One or Two?
jls5121
member
Hi all! I'm Jen. Nice to meet you!
My hubby and I are trying for a second, and the longer it takes to conceive, the more time I have to really think about it, and the thing is, I'm not so sure anymore! I go back and forth; I want my LO to have a brother or sister because I grew up with a little brother and we were/are really close, so I want that for her - the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board, best friend, and not to mention, the fact that they can eventually play with each other while I do MY thing. On the other hand, my LO is absolutely perfect and I love the one-on-one time I get with her now - I don't want to risk losing that or having her get jealous (which I know is inevitable). There's also the increased lack of sleep and DECREASE in available funds as soon as I'm sending two to day care since I work full time.
I'd love to know what everyone thinks the costs/benefits are of either situation (one or multiple). Any input would be great!
Re: One or Two?
Siblings aren't always best friends, or even close. My H's brother terrorized him his entire childhood.
If you aren't sure, maybe you should shelve TTC for a few months and really discuss the pros and cons with your H.
My only advice is to not think about the short-term challenges of having another kid (the sleep and $) because they won't last long. I'd think about what you want your family to look like in the long-term.
I grew up with 2 sisters and we're close and I wanted my son to have that relationship. Two kids is definitely busier and adds challenges. My kids right now don't really play together a lot and I don't know if that will change in the future or not. But they definitely love each other and that is a very sweet thing to see.
I would have been sad to only have one child, but I think I would have gotten over it. The only children I know are very close to their parents and there's definitely advantages to a quieter house!
I vote for two! Two is fun. I have a 15 mo. old and almost 3 year old, they are damn close together- 18 months apart.
When DD#1 turned 9 months I thought, great, let's try for another and BOOM I got pregnant. I was still nursing and my period had barely come back so I didn't think it would happen that fast. Oh well.
It was hard in the beginning. I'm not gonna lie. BUT it wasn't that bad. This is my personal experience though, our girls are pretty good. They are now starting to play nicely together which is great.
I think I even want a 3rd!
Reasons why 2 kids worked for me:
1. I had VERY easy pregnancies and labor and deliveries, both girls BF very easily and I had no issues there so that helped a LOT.
2. My toddler sleeps really well. Even as newborns they would wake to nurse but they were very good sleepers generally. My 15 mo old wakes once a night or so to nurse which is annoying but it's not the end of the world. I still get like 7-8 hrs of sleep a night.
3. Since they're both girls we saved hella $ and bought almost nothing for DD#2.
4. I took a bit longer ML w/DD#2 and it was great.
5. I work good hours, 9-5.
CONS:
THE NANNY. We are going broke paying for our nanny. That's about the only CON.
http://balletandbabies.blogspot.com
I started to doubt how we'd be able to handle 2 as we got closer to having DD2, and I'm not going to lie, it is difficult, especially since DD1 was a pretty self sufficient 3 year old, and now we're back to diapers and bottles, and feedings and all that baby stuff, but in the end I think it's all worth it. Thing is, I look at my mother and her siblings, even after my grandparents have passed, they're still close. They talk, and there's a sense of family, beyond just my sister and I - who now have our own lives. My father doesn't really have that.
I think as much as I wanted to have another child, I wanted DD1 to have a sibling - someone to play with on family vacations, someone to complain to about me and DH - who understands, someone to get advice from, someone to bother and taunt (that's part of the fun), someone to tell stories with in like 20 years.
And you never know how the jealousy will play out. DD1 does get jealous sometimes, but for the most part she absolutely adores her little sister, and is obsessed with her. She talks about her all the time, and I can tell DD2 is just as enamored by DD1.
I've always wanted a large family (3 or 4 kiddos) so having a second was never a question. We can afford it, my husband is super helpful, and I have a 9 to 5 job that doesn't require work outside of the office.
Best decision ever. DD1 loves her little sister and they play together, even though DD2 is only 8 months. DD2 is super chill so that makes things so much easier. DD1 still doesn't STTN (nor does DD2) and even with that it hasn't been a big deal adding another LO to the mix.
Cons are definitely the cost. Daycare is more than our mortgage which blows, but it's not a forever cost.
I agree that you have to ask yourself what you want for your family in the long run, not in the next few years. All the baby/toddler stuff will change. There are awesome things about having only one child and there are awesome things about having more. You and your DH need to think about what you picture for yourself in the future and what size family feels right to you. It's a very individual decision that depends on 8 million variables.
Is it harder with two? Yes, for me it has been extremely hard, I won't lie. Neither of my kids are easy and neither of them likes to sleep. At all. They are also totally adorable when they play together, of course, which helps and should only improve as they get older. The bottom line is that I have always wanted two, and still feel that this is the right thing for us. Good luck with whatever you decide!
I am an only child and I hated every minute of it. My parents were not very involved and not good at making sure I was able to participate in activities and spend time with friends, which I'm sure had a lot to do with it. I know it's possible to do a good job of raising an only child who doesn't feel lonely and isolated, but I always did. I also hate not having siblings now as an adult because every worry and stress about my aging parents is entirely on me and DH.
Nearly every part of DH's family is groups of three siblings and I think it's great. It seems to work well with small kids, college/young adult age, and adults with their own families. Of course there are conflicts and not everybody is best friends all the time, but overall I really think it's a great family structure. We are expecting our second now and are very open to the possibility of a third.
I agree that sleep deprivation is a short term challenge, but money is definitely not. Daycare costs may ease up over time, but even if you choose public school, you may still need to pay for two afterschool programs, not to mention double the number of activities, lessons and summer camp tuitions. And of course, there's the issue of college.
And that's just childcare and education. If you like to travel, for instance, that's four plane tickets instead of three. There are some fixed costs, especially if you already have extra living space and use hand me downs, but raising two children is continually more expensive than one, not just a frontloaded cost.
... And that's the end of my tangent.
Honestly, this is a REALLY hard decision. I was a one and done mom from the time we got pg with DS until he stopped nursing at 27 months. Then DH and I talked about the possibility of a second child. I think we were both sort of on the fence but neither one of us truly felt DONE yet either.
Since it took 3 years of TTC before our first pg, we decided to just stop BC and see what happened (with a determined deadline in place so we didn't feel like this was several more years of disappointment coming). 2 months later we were pg. I really didn't believe it would happen.
I still struggle with how much things will change but I know that we love this baby and the short term financial issues with paying for two in daycare will be okay. Long term I hope our kids are closer than other siblings we know but either way, it is up to them to decide how their relationship will be as adults. I feel close with both my sisters but don't need constant contact to feel that way. Same with my brothers.
DS and I both wanted more than one kid, til we had DS. We like our family the way it is now. I come from a family with 2 siblings, and we are all pretty close. DH hates his sister, and with good reason. Just because you have 2 kids doesn't mean they'll like each other, get along, be BFFs, or whatever.
In terms of the "the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board" rationale, IMO, that's what daycare is for. That's what friends, and play dates, and cousins are for.
I am so much in your same boat. I go back and forth in my decision on 1vs2 also. Sometimes I want a second child so bad that I'm confident that is the right decision. And then there are other days where the thought of the cost and time commitment of a second one nearly puts me into a panic. So, needless to say - I'm still undecided. I figure I'll know if/when I'm ready.