1st post on this board, 13yo SS hiding homework

Pamelacake · May 2013

Hi all (= I'm a SAHM. I'm a SM of 5, have 2 from previous marraige and am expecting. Big Family, I know!

So, I just fouond out from the school that my 13yo SS has a detention to do. The school called to schedule it and that's how DH and I found out. This is totally out of character for 13yo SS. If he has late homework slips he usually lets us know about them. I asked some questions about the detention and His teacher stated that he had a late slip last wednesday that wasn't signed and returned, and he hasn't turned in any homework since thursday!

This really isn't like him. I think maybe he's just ready for summer break but I guess he didn't think we would find out about this incident. I always ask when they come home, How their day was, what was fun about it, did they learn anything new, and last but not least how much homework do you have today.

He has a new friend in town and spends a lot of time over there and I allow him to ride his bike there, thinking he has no homework. I trust him to tell me the truth, He has been caught doing this before but it was months ago and by being grounded form his video games, assumed he learned his lesson.His teacher is a little different from the other's as she doesn't like to email. So I have to get and recieve messages through the office staff. He is a very smart kid but has a very sneaky side as well.

Sorry for the long post, Any similar experiences or advice? fThanks (=

ppants · May 2013

Welcome. My twins are only 7 and finishing 1st grade soon. I've always expressed to them how I can deal with the truth, but there will be punishment for lying. It sounds like you operate the same way. Ground him again once you've established there isn't something else going on ie reason he fears telling the truth?

Littlejen22 · May 2013

I raised my now 23yo SD. My advice is that he cannot go over there after school again until the year is over. Call the friends Mom and verify that he has been there unless you already talk regularly because there is a chance he is not even going there. A kid that age can get into all types of trouble and you now know he is good at lying so going forward he needs to prove himself. I really wish I called all the houses my SD was supposed to at in high school because she got into drugs and we never knew until it was a problem.

Pamelacake · May 2013

I just don't get it. He has made good grades no.. excellent grades all year.

He just recently started visiting this friend and sleeping over which he hasn't ever done with any other friends. so maybe it has somehting to do with that. My husband and I have both spoken with the other child's parents.

Thank you both for replying. It's easier for him to talk to me about school stuff than it is his dad but he doesn't always open up. I am going to wait and see if he brings up the detention though. He is doing it during recess today. I want to see if he is honest with me about it on his own before bringing it up.

We live in a very small town but I know drugs are everywhere. My husband has popped in over there before to make sure he was there bc SS had specific times he was supposed to call and didn't.

Thanks again (=

neverblushed · May 2013

Hi there -- welcome!

In addition to my own kids, I teach middle school English and I've tutored secondary school kids for years. I've dealt with lots of situations in which a middle school child pulled something like this. Usually the incident falls into one of a few categories:

--The kid makes one small mistake (being late to class/turning hw in late) and don't know how to come clean gracefully, so the avoidance and white lies pile up until it's finally too much to hide and they get caught. The kid is ashamed and embarrassed, even if he tries to play it off or even act angry and defensive to deflect the conversation with the parents. An incident that would have seemed very simple -- oops! I was late to class today -- becomes a much bigger thing. Lesson learned; everyone moves on. (This is the most common scenario.)

--Social pressures (trying to impress a new friend or group, blowing off responsibilities in order to spend time socializing) cause the kid to temporarily do things that he or she wouldn't do. (This issue is also not uncommon.)

--The academic or discipline issue happened because of some other social situation or problem that's been brewing. The kid has been dealing with some (real or perceived) problem and it finally comes out after this incident.

--Rarely, the incident is the first warning sign that something major is going on. If things continue or there are other things that seem a little "off" it's time to watch more closely or even consult the professionals.

beachy6 · May 2013

I was going to say the exact same thing as the other teacher I also teach middle school (7th and 8th grades) and at age 13, the kids just do some weird things. It very rarely means there's anything major going on. First, it's May. Most kids are DONE with school even though school isn't over! If he typically gets good grades, he's honestly probably just plain tired of trying! And, he's a teenage boy. I can't even tell you the number of times I've had the conversation with parents about kids not turning in homework (that has usually been done and is in the bottom of a locker/book bag) or kids not telling parents about homework/detentions.

As a matter of child development, your SS is at the age where he is trying to find his own identity and, unfortunately for parents, that usually includes keeping information from them. Sometimes it's to avoid getting in trouble and other times it's because they simply forget.

I'm in no way saying that there shouldn't be a punishment on your end, but just trying to explain that this is completely normal, even though it certainly doesn't seem like it!!

1st post on this board, 13yo SS hiding homework

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