Tell me your biggest argument with DH/SO while pregnant...
WhitWed
member
So DH and I are in the midst of a looming argument that just won't go away (and can't really), but it's driving me insane to have it keep rearing its ugly head. Our RCS is scheduled for 39wks like most. We have no family around so we're paying to fly someone here to watch DD for the surgery (two people offered - his step-mom and my sister). So DH is ready to book a filght for his step-mom asap since we have the surgery date and tickets are cheaper right now. My point is that with polyhydramnios I have large babies and will likely go earlier. DD was 11.4 pounds and delivered at 37.5wks. So, my point is that we need to just wait and bite the bullet on the more expensive ticket when we know for sure what the date is going to be. He thinks I'm just trying to exclude his family in favor of my sister coming because a last minute ticket from her locale is cheaper than from his step-moms. I just don't want to spend money twice no matter who is coming to help and either person would make me happy! So round and round we go and sometimes it gets ugly! (He sent me a flight itinerary this morning for his step-mom that triggered my hormonal frustrations and caused this post.)
Tell me your biggest argument with DH/SO while you've been pregnant. I don't even care if it was over something ridiculous. It will make me feel more normal and give me some good chuckles. And please don't tell me you're that couple "who never fights" followed by smooching sounds and angel wings fluttering.
Re: Tell me your biggest argument with DH/SO while pregnant...
Check to see what a flexible ticket would cost you. That way you can change the date if you need to.
Biggest argument that we have had is about my DH blowing off everything that is LO2 related U/S, appointments, getting furniture... Most recently, he thinks I am too pushy about getting a crib, stroller, etc and I am livid that he keeps putting it off. We also had a pretty good one about VBACing.
I would say it been about who to call at what point during labor and at what point are we going to allow vistors. I think we have something worked out but I foresee another argument about it. Both of us have really good points and are willing to die on our respective hills.
The other biggest tear-fest was when he told me he wanted to get a vasectomy after this one was born.
So we have both ends of the spectrum on how dumb/serious the issue was that started it, but honestly they dumb one was much, much bigger!
Well, I made a mistake last year when I depleted my IRA TWICE in error to put a down payment on our new house and we got a tax bill that could pay for a brand new car. He's really in charge of the finances so once we realized what had happened, he wasn't too pleased. I've been in the dog house about that pretty much since March. This pregnancy wasn't expected and although we are excited I've had to re-invest in all the baby stuff I had gotten rid of with my 4 yo.
It sucks and I'm tired of being told we have no money, etc. He's definitely the breadwinner but I work on commission and have the ability to bring extra home because of that. Both he and my boss are SUPER anxious for me to work during my maternity leave or forgo it altogether it seems. This is my constant argument! I want 8 weeks home with my boys!
We haven't had just one, but the highlights:
--When I was first in the hospital in the first trimester for bleeding, he just could not stop telling me for upwards of five hours that we were in there that his life sucked (hates his job, hates this country, hates worrying about money, will never have enough vacation no matter how much vacation he takes, etc). I've heard it before--probably a year of my life has been spent listening to this over and over again). When I told him the words "threatened [m-word--yaknowwhatImean]" because that was the ER doctor's diagnosis, he started crying in a self-absorbed, really irritating way and saying it was just what he needed. I lost it on him, saying "OK, I'm in the hospital lying here pregnant and bleeding AND IT'S STILL ALL ABOUT YOU? WTF?" He got a little better then, but he has yet to totally put on the big boy pants about it, because he is not used to having to listen to ME as well as me listening to him and trying to help him raise his mood. I've basically gone on strike from doing that until he learns how to reciprocate, because FFS I am pregnant and if I allow him to stress me out and spend all of my time trying (unsuccessfully, because it's not possible) to console him, I'm not going to be able to concentrate on not being stressed out myself.
But we fight about this every so often, like when I get stressed out by whatever terrible thing my OB's office is doing (and they are pretty terrible, according to the hospital ombudsman--fortunately I will most likely be switching OBs) and need to talk about it, and he is like, "well, I HATE my job, and my life..." and then it's off to the races for the next few hours. And then nowadays I just tell him that he's doing it again and I don't have the patience to listen to it in my current state, and when do *I* get to complain, and then we have a fight.
--His mother is coming to see us (from the other side of the world, for the first time) in September. She initially wanted to come earlier (like around the time of the birth), but I had a horrendous experience with her when I married DH in their home country, and even though she'll probably be subdued here (at least I hope), I don't entirely trust her not to make our first few weeks with LO a living hell, even if her intentions turn out to be all good. So I got DH to convince her to come in September instead ("it will be cooler"--not even a lie). But then DH's brother didn't want his wife, who's currently on maternity leave but MIL watches and basically raises their kids while BIL and SIL are like lazy passive kids themselves, to have to extend her maternity leave, so he insisted that MIL was dying of something secret and unspecified but dire and had to come in June instead (because traveling halfway across the world for the first time on three grueling airplane flights is SO good for the very ill? What?). Or this was maybe a plot of MIL's, because some of her cousins started calling us on skype and lecturing us and saying either MIL comes in June or we have to go see them, like, NOW (in their rural, inaccessible, really undeveloped place--NO. Not while I'm this pregnant). They were all being really annoying, and DH was actually looking into getting tickets for MIL to come in June, or thinking of going over there himself. I told him that since I was at viability and somewhat susceptible to preterm labor, if he left now (then), then I would never forgive him. We had a huge fight, but after attending our prenatal class he agrees with me.
--Our friends here from DH's home country had said they were going to throw me a baby shower even though it's not their tradition. Then they seemed not to be (until yesterday when they called DH with a complicated "plot" to make it a surprise). I was really upset about this because a) we're immigrants and kind of alone here, without any family though a lot of friends, and b) I have a batsh!t insane, abusive family of origin and have never had any milestones celebrated the way most people have (my mother spent my college graduation ignoring me and crying, because I was the center of attention and also because I wouldn't move back and pay rent to make up for the 18 years I was a drain on her finances--and that was the only thing they came to). I didn't even get a proper (to me) wedding because we were doing it all according to tradition in DH's neck of the woods. So I wanted this shower very badly and DH basically told me it was rude of me to expect them to deliver even if they said they would, because it wasn't their tradition, and that he doesn't dwell on the negative (O RLY?) and then we had a big fight.
This is basically about our each having different, culturally-based expectations for LO's entry into the world. I'd like a shower because I'm American, even though I come from a cultural tradition that doesn't do them either, he comes from a very different culture with the same nothing-until-LO-is-born tradition, and about other related things. All of these things keep coming up again.
Like our marriage--I wanted an engagement ring and described the tradition very explicitly, he said "yes, yes, "and then did nothing because it wasn't his tradition so he didn't think it was important. Fortunately when I and my hormones were sobbing over this for a week or so during Week 17, it finally penetrated and he bought me one three years after the fact. Then, a few weeks ago he came home and looked sheepish and said, "I noticed today that a lot of women have two rings together if they're married. One has a stone like the one I got you and the other one is plain like our wedding rings. Is that what you wanted and what I did not get for you?" (FLUCKING DUH) "I'm really, really sorry! I was so stupid! I should have listened to you. I see that it is a tradition."
And about our wedding--he was just fine with all his relatives there and none of mine, and a stubbly, sarcastic imam drawing up a "marriage contract" that consists of unintelligible notes in pencil on a grubby section of graph paper, and for me to wear a "marriage outfit" that basically looks like a red bathrobe and matching lounge pants rather than the white dress I always wanted, and for me to be his insano-mom's domestic slave for the next month while he lounges around and gets served because he's a guy, so what was my problem? (We're also going to have a "wedding party" the way I would have liked it about five years after the fact. Better late than never...sigh.) I mean, I'm no bridezilla, but I would have liked some control over whatever marriage proceedings were occurring. He said I would and then when I was stuck there he was like, "but I don't really know what's going on either--let's do what mom wants and then we'll do what you want soon, I promise!" This was in 2010....
So basically, we keep having this general semi-fight where I'm like, "milestone things did not go the way I wanted them or the way you promised!" And he's like, "but I didn't think it was important because it's not important to me!" And I'm like, "well it was AND IS important to me!" And he's like "huh?" And then many things connected with LO and my pregnancy are connected with that general issue that we have. It's taken him a while to realize that Americans have traditions too, and I come from a particular ethnic background that I'm not about to give up (like I guess the few American women who marry guys from his country generally do), and to adjust his expectations (or his lack of them) accordingly.
I think he does get NOW that my Important Things are different from his, and that he needs to put the same effort into understanding mine that I put into understanding his, but that he's sort of stuck about how to do that. It's kind of like, even though he's been living in North America for most of his adult life, I can't send him to the store to buy something for me if he's never bought it before, because even though he can technically read all the labels, it still looks foreign to him and he gets flummoxed. But (fingers crossed) it seems like there's been progress....
Ours are the little ones that never end. One is this soccer outfit that my dad had gotten for our little girl. He couldn't find it in pink, so it's black and white like a soccer ball with a little orange in it too. I can definitely make it look like a girl outfit. But my husband hates soccer with a passion and always has. He hates the outfit and doesn't want her to wear it. Says it'll make her look like a boy. But soccer is a big part of my family, and I love it!
Another is the sheets and blankets for the bedroom. I had bugged him about helping me pick out a theme for the room or at least crib sheets for the registry. He refused every time saying that I need to just pick something, but he hated everything I told him. So we never registered for them. And then my mom had picked out some that were really cute. He said no because Whinnie the Pooh is not from this decade and that he never liked that show. I told him he should have helped pick something then instead of putting it off.
These are just a few. It hasn't been anything serious, just really dumb.
Hmmmm.....a general "you never do anything around the house!!" argument. I have to practically twist his arm to get him to help finish up the nursery, or anything else for that matter.
The other one is a little pre-emptive, but he is going to be the primary care taker for LO and I don't feel like he is acknowledging it. This is not how things went down with DD1 and I'm worried. He makes these comments about hunting season, taking the boat out, going on a trip to NY with his buddies....um, dude? I'm going back to work in August. I am NOT calling out of work so you can (a) hunt or (b) take the boat out. He just doesn't speak like a man who thinks he is about to have a baby. Part of my job requires me to travel to my sales territory, which is usually a Mon - Wed trip once a month. He acts like that is going to stop. Nope. If we want me to keep making my salary and getting our health insurance, I have to go. We fight about my job...which is stoopid.
ETA: Yakut.....that was loooooong! LoL But what I caught in that is that you are actually having a baby shower? Right? Yay!
The biggest since I've been pregnant, I believe, was when he came home with an entire BOX of Cadbury's Cream Eggs. As in, 48 eggs. Which he bought for $35 or $39, I don't remember exactly. He was proud because he thought he'd "saved" all that money because buying them individually they're $1.10. I was horrified that he'd even consider eating that much candy under any circumstances whatsoever, much less fork over $35 to do so. Our finances are tight; I make most of the money and I won't be getting paid over my 12-wk maternity leave, and there's a lot of expensive stuff to do to prepare for baby. It made me so angry that I'd been wearing ill-fitting clothes over my growing bump, trying to remember the big picture and our long-term goals and not spend money on clothes I'd outgrow in 6 months. And then he goes and buys chocolate with what could have easily bought 3 maternity tops. (Can you tell i'm still a bit irritated?)
The real elephant in the room, however--which I'm determined NOT to fight over--is the fact that I'm due in 6 weeks and we still don't have a hint of a nursery yet. We'd begun talking about this time last year about turning our back porch into an extra room. When I got pregnant, we decided to make it a nursery. I wanted him to start right away, but he put it off until winter, when he'd be working less and have more time to do it. And now? It's May and nothing's been done. I told him to hire a builder if he didn't feel competent to do it himself, but he insisted he could and would. The front porch that he thought would take 3 weeks? It took about 4 months to complete. So this nursery? I'm not hopeful--and I'm really trying not to be angry. But part of me is already resentful because I'm big and exhausted and totally don't have the energy I'd wanted to enjoy putting into decorating and fixing it up.
And oh DHs, what it is with the obliviousness about the impending LO? Mine refuses to believe that any of LO's things need to be washed or that LO needs sleepers, so the hospital bag is still just sitting there gaping and mostly empty....I wonder if it's maybe just denial/stress, and I bet they'll pull through once it happens!