Fosterready to give up

lamo1210 · May 2013

DH and I took in our first foster two weeks ago. The child listens great to my husband and once my husband is off at work the child is another story. He says he will tell on me when he gets into trouble or if I warn him he might get hurt he says that's on me then.
I'm almost 14 weeks pregnant and do not have the energy like I thought I would be getting back by this time and I just feel ready to give up and that makes me feel like a terrible person.
Any advice or words of encouragement from other foster moms?
Oh and we have already been asked if we are an adoptive family.

JennaNAaron · May 2013

How old is the child? Have you reached out to your social worker for support?

lizlemon2 · May 2013

He probably feels safer testing you is my guess. When our older son was acting out more, our social worker would tell us he was feeling comfortable.

I highly suggest reading "Parenting the Hurt Child". Talk to your social worker. If there are foster parent or adoptive parent support groups, check one out. Does he have a counselor? If not, find one who is specially trained in attachment/trauma informed work.

Only you and your family can decide if it is right for the child to stay in your home. Just know how each move deeply impacts the child. Things usually do get worse before it can get better.

Don't feel pressured into making an adoption decision right now. Take it a day at a time.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

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elissaann26 · May 2013

Take things one day at a time. I felt that the beginning was always the toughest. Not only are you guys just getting to know one another, but many children rebel when they are feeling safe and loved.

Ask your social worker for support. If they don't give you want you need, then demand the support your need. That is their job and they need to be there for you. I'm not sure what the specific issues are (and totally don't expect you to share any details), but ask about therapy for your foster child if you think that could help. That made a HUGE difference for us.

Don't think about the adoption question. Right now you just need to think about survival. Once you find your family's routine and things start to fall into place where you can breathe, you can start to think about that.

Stay super duper consistent with consequences. When your foster child sees that what you say actually happens he'll start to feel empowered to decide what behavior to pick based on the known consequences. This is SO tough, so hang in there!

Vent here as much as you need! And let us know if there is anything we can help with!

lamo1210 · May 2013

Thanks guys, I am looking for some sort of therapy or consoling for him. Ask for it last week. I in no way find him to be a threat or bad kid and see it all from his previous upbringing. I talked with the case worker today and she said usually things are not this crazy but with it being his first placement and the case behind it all being crazy that it adds more stress. Today was great with him, listened at school, shopped alone with me no problem. But he did say I don't like when ppl are mean to me when I said no to something and a lady heard him and told him that's a great answer. I almost flipped.

Fosterready to give up

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