I need serious help with discipline...
My 13 month old is a sweet boy, but can be very (for lack of a better word) bad! He hits me, bites me, yells at me, etc when he doesn't get his way. It could be for any reason... he wants an apple first and I give him broccoli, or he wants to go outside and we can't right now... He screams in restaurants just for the heck of it. I've tried everything I've read on here... redirecting, talking to him, ignoring it, etc. I even resorted to smacking his hand at one point, which of course didn't help.
Please tell me this is a phase and he won't be like this forever. Is there anything I can do to help the situation that I am not already doing? I play with him a lot, we never have the TV on to watch, we read books all the time. He is a smart kid, but very difficult.... I feel like I am a good mom, but I am getting frustrated! Any advice? Thanks!
Re: I need serious help with discipline...
I like to give logical consequences. You hit me? Then you can get off my knee and be away from me because I don't want to be hit thanks.
Some of it I would ignore, eg the screaming in the restaurant (assuming it's a short outburst, and not prolonged. If it's prolonged then I would remove him/us from the restaurant)
Then somethings I might look at, whether I'm setting myself up over things that don't really matter. eg him wanting the apple over the broccoli. I generally put all the oofd on LOs plate at once, and she can eat what she wants. There's nothing else to eat, the end.
But generally, yeah it's the age, and it's tough. Hang int here.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
This age is so hard. It's hard for them to express themselves without the language to do it, so I think a lot of frustration comes out in "bad" behavior. They're also learning cause & effect, are becoming more independent, and starting push limits so all of that can add to it.
We teach "gentle hands" when he hits. It doesn't always make him stop, but I like giving him a positive direction of something TO do rather than what not to do (don't hit). We do a lot of redirection and the natural consequences like the pp suggested.
Not true. Parenting is full of highs and lows and there are a lot of them in the early years. What you're dealing with now has a lot to do with your little guy lacking the ability to communicate what he wants. Your world will get a whole lot easier and better once he learns some more words.
I also try to ignore this type of behavior. If my daughter reacts negatively to something, I will set her down in a safe place and then walk away. If she hit me or bit me, I'd say "We don't hit or bite" and then I'd walk away. I try to do this without any emotion. Sometimes she'll cry for awhile, and then she'll stop and it's like nothing happened.
I agree with this. The toddler years aren't as fateful as people make them out to be. They're hard because there is always something that needs to be worked on, but they're so exciting because there is always something new they're learning.
I really helps me to think about why the action is probably happening. He's probably realizing he can get a reaction out of you and other people by acting up--cause and effect. I agree with most PPs here--I would firmly say no, then ignore (or timeout in crib for a minute or two if it's really bad).
That age is tough because communicating with them is tough. They still are naughty when they get older but then you can communicate with them better.
When my boys were that age and they hit or bit me I would physically turn my back on them. If we were playing on the floor I would turn all the way around until i'm facing the other wall and say I'm not playing with you because you hit me. No hitting. It only took doing that once or twice to make the problem go away. They do the hitting/biting because they're frustrated and want your attention.
Also, pick your battles. just give him an apple instead of broccoli first. Both have fiber! but really, it just isn't worth it at this age because they don't understand sequence of events. They don't get that until nearly age 3. They don't understan that if you do this, then this and that happens. So, it isn't worth the fight and it doesn't mean you can't change the rules later. Like when he's 3 and you can reason with him and say "no apples until you finish your brocolli"
This behavior is normal but discipline at this age doesn't work very well either - I'm talking time outs and stuff like that.
Consistent redirection, or telling him what you want him to do instead of waht he is doing is helpful in his development at this stage, but he doesn't even have all the language capabilities to understand that if you don't do it VERY simply.
My 17 month is becoming more challenging by the day it seems. Like others have said, I am trying a range of things. I try to pick my battles. Like you said with the apple and the broccoli, maybe that isn't worth the fight.
If my son hits me, I tell him it isn't nice to hit, that it hurts mommy, and that if he does it again, I won't play with him anymore. He almost always tries again, so I put him down and ignore him.
If he is throwing his toys, I tell him that if he does it again, I will take it away, and I follow through with that.
If he is doing something that I want to discourage (like, playing with lamps, going into the kitchen, harassing the pets), I try to remove and redirect and also explain to him.
If it is something like he is mad we can't go outside and play for some reason, I try to redirect his attention, but otherwise I just ignore it.
I think it really depends on the situation. Sometimes he seems to get it, other times he doesn't. I think that at this point, it is almost more like I am training myself in terms of discipline, follow through, etc.
Agreed.
And honestly, my daycare really puts it in perspective for me. I don't know about all states, but California has a Desired Results Developmental Profile which my daycare uses to measure development. And so much of the behaviors that we characterize as "negative" are listed as "desired results" in terms of progression of development. I joke they make our jerky kid sound like it's a good thing! As an example -
This. Exactly.
All the pp's have given the best advice - redirect, ignore, etc...But the above is what I was thinking as I was reading through the comments. You can help your LO with their behavior by setting expectations that they can meet. Don't go to a restaurant where the food takes 30 minutes to get to the table + appetizers + dessert. You will be in for a showdown if not a meltdown.
As far as the hitting is concerned we started to deal with it around your LO's age and are continuing to deal with it. I have no helpful advice there except to be consistent. I have also given permission to any other adults we are around frequently to do the same as I do if he does it when I'm not watching. I get on his level, hold his hands, say, "no hitting" and then ask him to show me "gentle". He will usually demonstrate gentle. Usually. Sometimes he hits me back. Then it is nap time. Lol.
We were able to conquer biting in about three days (after a few weeks of it becoming progressively worse) with this method: Eye-level, Very stern "no biting. That hurts me", Then redirect to "you can bite your toy. You can bite this apple, etc...but you cannot bite mommy"
I've also noticed the behavior gets worse if he's over-tired or over-stimulated. Sometimes I'll just put him in his crib with a book, a toy and a sippy of water and let him have a few quiet minutes (around 30) to himself. I try to not show frustration when I do it because I don't want him to associate the crib with being in trouble...
Good Luck! You are doing a great job - it sounds like he is developing quite normally
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
Terrible twos start at the second year of life, not at two years old..... I have been dealing with this too. My LO is 16 months in. Few days and its happened over night within the tantrums, screaming and swatting at us when he doesn't get his way..