Working Moms
lorist202
member
When/ How often do you see Grandparents?
lorist202
member
in Working Moms
We have two sets of grandparents, and my own grandmother. I was a SAHM until 3 mos. ago. We were able to see all of the grandparents every week, and it set a precedent. Now, I feel like it takes up all of our weekend time, and we never get to do any daytrips just as the 3 of us. I really miss it.
So, when and how often do you see the grandparents?
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Re: When/ How often do you see Grandparents?
DH's parents are divorced and live here in town, so pretty much every weekend we have to make time for one or both of them. They will usually come over to our house, so at least we don't have to go anywhere. Rarely MIL comes over during the week if DH and I want to go out or if she's going to be out of town on the weekends. Their visits tend to be a few hours long.
My parents live 500 miles away, so their visits aren't as often. They come maybe once a month, usually every 6 weeks or so and stay for the weekend. DD and I make a few trips there each year to visit my family and DH comes with us every couple of trips.
DS has three sets of grandparents between DH and I. Seeing them depends on schedules and where they live. DH's parents get to see DS the most because they live in town. They come over for dinners 2-3 times a week and my MIL watches DS every other weekend (the only time DH and I are both at work).
My mom lives an hour away and she either comes here or I go there at least twice a month. My dad and stepmom live about a half hour further that same direction, but I've only seen them once since DS was born....I'm driving over there tomorrow.
As far as MY grandparents, I made a 4 hour trip to visit one of them during my maternity leave, but the rest live out of state so they've only gotten coos over the phone and pictures mailed.
To keep things as fair as possible I try to visit (or ask over) each set of parents equally. For example I needed a babysitter on an odd Friday last week and my MIL couldn't do it. I asked my mom who was more than happy to help. Next time something like that arises I'll ask my stepmom and dad.
You should be able to cut back your visits, just be sure to do it equally or you might have hard feelings. I think your parents should understand that you guys need/want core family time.
Well, yes... my own parents understand and will be flexible. However, my ILs refuse to give up any time, and in fact, feel that once per week isn't even enough. (smothering much?) At that point, I just have to decide if it's worth it to be unfair to my own parents and grandmother who are understanding, for the sake of some family time for the 3 of us... what a headache.
OP, I can totally relate. DHs parents don't thnk once a week is enough time with Lillian. We didn't go over this weekend, probably the first time in months. We see my parents about every other weekend. My parents understand and they actually have things to do on the weekend as do we. I need to get this under control and go every other weekend to their house and even that is too much for me. I don't like them.
Ouch. That is a headache. Maybe have DH talk to his parents?
I feel for you. The one grandparent I saw (and drove 4 hours with a 6 week old to see) made a couple comments about how she hopes it's not 10 years before she sees DS again. She lives quite a bit away and it's hard for me to get time off work to drive up that far and back, yet I still manage to visit her 2-3 times a year.... sheesh. My other grandparents see me once a year or less and haven't met DS in person at all yet....
GL to you.
My IL's used to get annoyed if they didn't see us every single weekend but I felt just like you do. We need our weekends to clean, run errands, and also have time together as our little family. I have been firm about it and it's finally getting better.
The kids see my MIL probably 5 days a week. She is very involved. She's our main babysitter as well. My FIL comes around every few months. We see my mom maybe every month or two, and my dad lives 6 hours away, so we don't see him often.
You saw them a lot when you were a SAHM, you had time then. I don't think you need to keep seeing them as much as you did before...things change. I wouldn't spend my whole weekend visiting family, definitely do things with just the 3 of you. Maybe you could incorporate the family in an activity you do...
My FIL lives across the country, but DH's sister lives 25 mins away and comes to visit at least twice a month, but she will come during the week, which is very helpful when DH works late.
What if you try having them over for dinner on a Thursday or Friday?
MMC 3.30.16
I can't imagine spending all weekend, every weekend, with extended family. I'm exhausted just hearing about it.
Go ahead and make your day trip plans. If they ask about it, just say, oh we have plans. You are in charge of your life.
A few times per year. Usually we see my parents 3-4 times per year for a total of 8-10 days. We typically see H's family 2-3 times per year, also for a total of 8-10 days. Both of our families live a plane ride away in opposite directions.
We are probably on the low end of normal visiting. Is it possible for either set of parents to visit with your LOs on a week night giving you and your H a night w/o kids? Alternatively, would the families be ok with doing an event all together some or all of the time? Like can each family unit host the whole group once per week so you only have one event to go to?
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We see H's parents 2x a year for 5ish days at a time. They live a 6 hour plane ride away. We've yet to go out there, but are meeting them for a family reunion in OK this summer.
We see my parents every other month or so, they live a 6 hour drive away. They usually drive down to us and stay for 3 days at a time. We've been to their house 3 times since B was born.
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We used to see my parents every weekend. They live 30 minutes away, and we'd drive up after DS's afternoon nap on Saturday or Sunday and eat dinner with them, then be home in time to put him to bed at 7:30. Now that my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, we don't see them as often because she's been very ill with the chemo. She also can't be around us unless everyone is completely healthy. I LOVE the time spent with my parents and wish we saw them more. Occasionally we'll do things like go to the zoo, but most of the time we just hang out at our house or theirs. I never feel like our time as a family is limited.
We see MIL every few weeks or once a month maybe. She lives just a couple minutes away. It always has to be on her terms and I honestly find it much more stressful than spending time with my parents.
I thought the same thing- what's there to refuse? Boundaries are important and your own little family comes first. I'd just say, "Sorry we aren't able to see each other as often as we used to. Our new schedule just doesn't allow it." The end.
I think I'm a little late to this game, but I want to try to contribute more to this board. So here goes...
My parents live out of state, so we don't see them very often. My mom will fly out here maybe twice a year, but my dad doesn't travel so we can go a few years with out seeing him. My MIL lives about 20 minutes away, but we always have to go to her. And, she refuses to see the boys if anyone has even a sniffle. (She's paranoid about getting sick.) So, we'll see her maybe once a month or once every six weeks depending on the boys' health. My FIL lives about 1 hour away, he will make a point to come down to see us every couple of weeks. He also was kind enough to sit for us so DH and I could go out to dinner for our wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.
ETA: All of my/ DH's grandparents are long gone, so our kids have never known any of them.
You need to lay down your boundaries (or have DH do it). You are a working mom now, time is a precious commodity! I don't know how you manage to do anything (even just laundry and cleaning) if you are visiting all these people every weekend, much less have any family fun time.
We live 5mins from my ILs, and we see them about 1-2 times a month. They will usually invite us over for Sunday dinner and they will also babysit maybe once a month. We live 30mins from my parents. I see my mom like once a week b/c she comes over to help with the kids all the time. If I have to work late or one of the kids is sick and can't go to daycare or something, she will come help. I probably only go over to their house every other month or so b/c its easier for them to come to me. My grandparents are still alive, I see them every few months. I wish I saw them more often, but they won't come to my house b/c of the stairs. And their house is not safe for young children.
My situation is different than most. My parents live across the street and watch DD during the week while we're at work. My ILs live 5 minutes away. During HS football and basketball season, we usually see them once a week for games. And just about every week all of us--DH, DD, me, my parents, and my ILs--go out to dinner together. We're also all going to Mexico in July (with my SIL and her boyfriend).
That said, no one EXPECTS that we are going to do something, and there are some weekends where we get busy and don't see either of our families. As PP said, it's about making a decision about what works best for you and staying firm with everyone else about that decision.
One set, about four-five times/year.
Other set, mom-mom about a dozen times because she comes here often and Poppy, about four times/year.
everyone works and we live three-six hours apart.
The responses to this have been interesting. It's not easy when grandparents live close by, nor is easy when they are far away. I have a friend who told me that the only way his marriage could survive was to move 3 hours away from his ILs, and now it makes sense to me.
Meanwhile, I had a discussion with DH, and we decided that for an entire weekend later this month, we will spend time together as a family, and grandparents may not finagle an alternate day- our schedule will not allow it. I suspect MIL will pull her usual trick of "I'm on my way; I just have to bring something by" at 6:00 on Tuesday night. Either that, or she whines and hounds DH so continuously about her disapproval that he gets worn down and gives in because it's apparently easier to fight with me about it. This should be interesting!