Am I over reacting?
DH and I have had an ongoing battle for 5 years now. He just WILL NOT grow up!
He stay up until 4-5am every night, and then wants to sleep all day. IF he does go to sleep at night, it is on the couch. I leave for work at 6 am. Sometimes he is still up when I get up to go to work in the am. DH doesn't leave for work until 1pm (he works afternoons), so he is home with DS when I leave. I rely on him to wake up when DS gets up (usually by 8, assuming he sleeps). So DH is home, looking after the baby, on zero sleep, and I am sitting here at my desk feeling horrible because I know DS isn't getting the attention or care that he deserves.
I have told DH over and over and over that it needs to stop. He always promises it will, and promises it will change, he will put his responsibilities first, this lasts about 3 days, and then it's back to business as usual.
I am so close to putting DS in daycare full time, from the time I leave (6 am), until I get home (6:30pm). I don't think this is fair, or right AT ALL. Why should DS be in daycare 12 hours a day when his father is home? I am at the end of my rope, and this morning, when I got out of the shower at 5:30 and DH was still up, I snapped. I told him that this is his absolute last chance. Either he grows the eff up immediately, or I need to do what is best for DS and I, which means full time daycare. I then went on to tell him that if that is the route we need to go, I am going to be completely disgusted with him, and am going to need to re-evaluate our family situation, as I don't think I can be with somebody who is so self centered that he puts his own wants ("me time") over his family obligations.
I don't want to need to follow through, but I feel like I'm at the point where I need to. I can't keep making empty threats, adn telling him that he had better start being responsible "or else". It is not my place to do that.
Am I completely over reacting or expecting too much?
Re: Am I over reacting?
I should give a little more info. It isn't just the incapability of going to bed, and getting up with DS that is an issue. He is just painfully irresponsible in almost every way.
I handle all our finances, I do all the cooking, cleaning. I can't rely on him to pay bills. BIlls in his name, I make sure the cash is there at home, and ask him on the day it is due to please go to the bank and look after it. Usually he doesn't and says it isn't a big deal, he'll do it tomorrow.
The odd time he will help with laundry. He may do some cleaning if I ask him to. He never does anything of his own volition. On weekends he feels that I should get up with DS, and let him sleep because he gets up with him all week...
It isn't just the not being able to trust him to sleep, and wake up, and function. It's a pretty all over the place issue.
If your H can't handle it then I don't think you're overreacting, especially since he's doing it to himself. I agree that you need to follow through with full time daycare if he doesn't change.
ETA: I just saw you follow up. I definitely don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like he's not being an equal partner in your relationship and things need to change. If putting your son in FT daycare will give him the kick in the butt he needs then do it.
He doesn't manage well at all. He sleeps like the dead when he is overtired, and I am so scared he will sleep through DS being awake and screaming. He can't handle lack of sleep.
Do you think it's out of line for it to come down to either grow up, or we need to re evaluate being together? To me, if he can't put our child first, I don't want to be with him. If E needs to be in daycare 12 hours a day because he can't be responsible, I don't know if I can overlook that. I'm looking at budgetting on one income, and looking into daycare full time just in case, I just hope Im not being rash out of anger.
I can see why putting your lo in daycare is the next step, but if I was your h, that just means I can continue to stay up late and do whatever because the baby isn't around anyway.
Not sure what the solution is,but from the info you've provided this sounds incredibly frustrating. Maybe try counseling?
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Here are my initial thoughts. You have every right to be upset and I would be as well. But, if this has been going on for 5 years, and you have been married for 1 year, you kind of knew these things about your DH when you married him, right?
I don't think marriage really changes anyone and if you are in it for the long haul, you are going to have to find some ways to cope with his behavior. He sounds like the type of person who needs that down time/alone time to function.
Also, other things that factor in, you said DH goes in at 1 p.m., when does he get home from work? Does he have some downtime in the evening with you and DS? Is he dropping DS off on his way to work or is he bringing him to daycare in the morning and then going back home to sleep?
I did know that he had this issue when we got married, but back then the only problem was that it was hurtful to me that he made the choice to sleep on the couch instead of with me. I assumed that given an increase in responsibilities, I would see an increase in responsible behaviour. I didn't expect marriage to change him, I expected having an obligation to his child would though.
He gets home at around midnight, when DS and I are already sleeping. DH tries to get DS to sleep all day. When he wakes up, instead of getting up and making him breakfast, he brings him into bed with him and tries to cuddle him back to sleep. He also tries to get him down for a nap as soon as possible for as long as possible instead of respecting the fact that he needs a stable routine. This leads to sleep issues, which is part of the reason that sometimes DS won't sleep until the wee hours of the morning. If he does need down time to hjimself, I think it should be kept to within a reasonable time frame to be up with our son when he wakes.
He tries to get DS to sleep pretty much the whole time they are home together, and he drops DS off at daycare at 1pm. He is constantly trying to get him to sleep in, and nap. And he "isn't tired" until 5am, but is soooooooo tired every other minute of the day, but then when it comes late night again, he isn't tired. it's BS.
My dh is not perfect by any means. There was one occasion this year where he went out the nigh before having to watch DS and was wasted. I had to write sub plans and take off work. I was livid! I now have a back up plan in care this happens again... And it better not! I will take DS to his parents and he does not want his parents knowing he couldn't fulfill his responsibility. There have also been a handful of occasions that dh is slowly waking up when he is supposed to watch DS and I leave with anxiety but I know once he fully wakes he will give all his attention to DS.
Hang in there and stay strong!
Just out of curiosity, what does your DH do for work? I only ask because before I switched to the shift I'm on now, I worked a late swing/grave and didn't get home until 3:30 in the morning. It was next to impossible for me to walk in the door and go right to bed due to the nature of my job. It would always take me an hour or so before my adrenaline quit pumping and I could wind down enough to sleep.
That said, I still made every effort to relax and rest because I knew I would be up with DS every morning while my husband was at work. I never slept, but I didn't use it as an excuse to slide my duties as a parent. I found a way to function for my son. Sometimes work situations suck. That's the bottom line. But when you decide to make a baby with someone, you commit to a lot more responsibility than going to work every day. I don't think you are overreacting at all.
He is 25. We have had this fight a million times, and I have done just about everything under the sun to try to make him see that his behaviour is not ok, so thats how I ended up here. I feel like I had to blow up and scare the bajesus out of him to even have a chance of it sinking in that I mean business this time, and it is extremely serious. He has never changed his behaviour before, but if he doesn't this time, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pick up, and take ds, stay at my parents, and enroll him in fulltime daycare until DH wakes the eff up. I feel like a single mother to two dependant children right now. And he doesn't want to see somebody because he doesn't think we need to. He jsut continually promises to change, and then does change for a few days, then slips back in to old behaviour.
He is a forklift driver in a warehouse.
I agree with all of this. I think just putting in in daycare will solve the problem of your DS getting enough attention, but it will just further enable your H to do what he is doing and possibly even sleep more.
What time does he get home from work? It sounds like a rough situation all around! I would also recommend counseling, however it sounds as it may be hard to find a time to go together!
This is my fear, which is why I feel like I can't JUSt do the caycare, I feel like if it is at a point where I can't trust my DH to care for my son, I need to leave, and do daycare. I don't want to enable him. I feel like the two consequences must come together. And we work opposite shifts, so it would be hard to time.
You asked for thoughts, so here are mine. Yes, it does sound like he could be doing more around the household to help out the family. But, try to see it from his perspective. You get to get up and get ready while your DS is still sleeping and then you go to work, you get home, have dinner with your . Then your son goes to bed at 7:30-8:00 PM, and then you have a few hours to do whatever you like doing before you go to bed at a reasonable time (say 10:30), so that you can get 7 hours of sleep or so before getting up. So, you put in approximately 13.5 to 14 hours of "on the clock time" (when you are either working or taking care of your son) every day between the hours of 6 AM and 7:30 to 8:00 PM. All the hours that you are not on the clock, you are free to do whatever you want--sleep, goof off, etc.
On the other hand, your son wakes up definitely by 8 AM (but you said usually earlier), and then your DH is "on the clock." He feeds him breakfast, cuddles, plays, etc. until he has to start getting ready (which is QUITE a challenge with a 1 year old clinger, as you know from the weekends!), get your son dressed, stuff packed and out the door to day care, so that he can head to his job. He then worrks from 1PM to approx. midnight when he finally gets home for the day. By that point, he has been "on the clock" from 8AM (or earlier) to midnight--which is at least 16 hours of total "on the clock time," compared to your 13.5 or 14 hours.
After a 16 hour work day (and taking care of babies is work--that's why we working parents pay other people to take care of our babies during the day), he needs a little "me time," just like you have enjoyed earlier in the evening before you go to sleep. But even if he literally came in the door and tried to get to sleep immediately, he wouldn't get 8 hours of sleep--so when you add in a human's need for at least a little down time every day, he is in a chronic sleep-deprived state.
I do think that it is immature of him to stay up until 5AM, but he has to have a little down time, or else he will just be a machine working/sleeping all day every day. I think if you guys can afford it, full day daycare wouldn't be the end of the world. Your son could get some more interaction that he is not getting from his chronically-sleep deprived dad, your husband can get some sleep, etc. But then if you go to that schedule, you can ask your husband to step up more with some chores/laundry/cleaning/etc. after he wakes up in the morning and before he goes to work. Because then he will have a little extra free time and may actually be receptive to handling more of those responsibilities.
My husband works really crazy shifts all the time, and it is hard some mornings to essentially feel like I am doing everything with C while he is working nights and getting to sleep in, eat "breakfast" by himself with the TV on at 4 PM before heading back to work another night, when I have to try to get ready and out the door in the morning with a very high-spirited little girl permanently attached to me! But then we talk about how much he misses seeing me and Charlotte during those weeks where he is on nights, and how it is lonely and disorienting to work during the night and sleep during the day, while your entire family is living on a different schedule. He doesn't "cherish" that "alone time" in the late afternoons, but he just has to make that schedule work while he is on it, or else he would get fired.
I would advise to sit down and explain that you get where he is coming from, and know that it is hard to be "on" from 8 AM to midnight every day. So, agree to do daycare full time for a while to see how that works, but talk to him and see if he will agree to pick up a few more household duties, now that he will have a little more free time. That will de-stress both your lives a little--and probably make for a happier marriage.
But I agree with what some of the PPs said about knowing what you are getting into--he might think it is really unfair to expect him to change his sleeping/awake ways after you decided to marry him after 4 years of watching him live the exact life that he has continued to live. But if he is not being a bad parent, I truly don't think this is worth leaving him over--I guess it depends on what you believe your marriage vows meant to you when you said them. He sounds like he is holding down a responsible 11 hour a day job, and stepping up to also take care of his son 5 extra hours a day before he heads off to work. I have read a lot of posts on these boards about husbands who seem to give a lot less sh!ts about their families...
Just talk to him--and don't go into it with the mindset that you are going to chastize him for all that he is doing wrong, but treat him like an equal partner in parenting and in your marriage. Divide up your chores and figure out who is naturally better at handling certain chores. Then stick to those responsibilities and continually re-asses where you can be more efficient, better at communicating, etc.
Good luck!
The problem there is that by him bringing ds into bed, ds may wake up at 8, DH doesn't get up with him. He brings him into bed with him and snuggles him until he falls asleep again (he has admitted before to DS being awake for an hour and a half, then falling asleep again). And then he gives him bottles until he falls asleep for long naps in the am, all so he can get more sleep. These habits lead to DS not sleeping at night, which leads to me up until sometimes 1,2,3 am (DH thinks that since I'm upstairs, it is my problem when he wakes up, despite the fact that I'm sleeping and he is watching tv). So his forcing DS to sleep, is leading to a really screwy pattern for everyone.
This just confirms that daycare is the best option for everyone in your household. But don't pitch it as anyone's failing because it really isn't. It is just what you guys need to do to take of yourselves, your marriage, and your son to the best of your ability.
I agree with a lot of what Sooner said. But you need to tell him what you need and hold him responsible. If he is awake any time after your DH is home you need to bring him down to him and have him care for him. I do think that you should put him in daycare. As Sooner stated, that is a long time for your DH to be "on." Even if he came home and went to bed by 1am, it would be very stressful for me to take care of a child from 8-1 and then work until midnight. He would have absolutely NO downtime and barely 7 hours of sleep and that's only if your son sleeps until 8am, if he wakes at 6am he is only getting 5 hours of sleep even with responsible sleeping habits and that's not fair.
Personally I think it would be fair to ask your DH to get up in the morning with you and DH and help get him ready for daycare and bring him at a reasonable time, such as 8 or 9am. He can then go home, relax, sleep and maybe do a chore or two. Can he cook or wash dishes from the evening before so you don't have to do it at night? I really wouldn't ask a person to do more than one chore, along with getting LO up and bringing him to daycare in the morning. I used to work 1-10pm and it was rough getting much of anything done before I went to work, because if you do too much you are exhausted when you get to work. Then you run on adrenaline, become overtired and it's difficult to sleep in the evening after it all. Talk to him about what he thinks would be fair to do. What is he willing to change to make this all work for your family? If he doesn't want to change anything or meet halfway, then you may have a bigger problem on your hands.
I think it is unfair for you to say you want to divorce him since it is who he was before getting married and before having LO. You should have told him your expectation before getting married and given him time to adjust before saying "I Do," that way you would know if he was willing to do what is best for his family.
I guess I must see everything really differently than everyone else. Maybe it's just compounded anger from this going on so long.
I just don't understand how all the housework, cooking, laundry, finances is all up to me, and then I'm up most of the night with the baby, get zero down time, very little sleep, and he gets like 5 hours of down time and then won't care for ds, instead sleeps in. Maybe I just need to get some time away from him to stop feeling so resentful in order to see things with a little more perspective. I think I may arrange for daycare for a week, and ask that either I go stay with DS at my parent's, or he goes to stay with his for that week, so we can get some time apart and hopefully some perspective on the situation. I'm about ready to throw in the towel, and I'm sure all that anger and frustration isn't helping me see things his way.
I think it is very normal for a Mom to feel resentful. Very rarely is raising a child or housework ever 50/50. I don't know why, but it's just hard to do unless you have two people who have the same schedule/commute, etc.
I don't think it is fair for you to be up with him at night, which is why I suggested that you bring the baby to him when he wakes at night and you go back to sleep. Lock the bedroom door if you want. If your DH is awake there is no reason for you to be getting up with him. But you also stated that you think your LO is awake at night because your DH forces him to sleep in the AM, if that's the case that should be minimized once that is no longer occuring. If he is still waking then you and DH can split the wake ups because that would be fair. You should also be able to transition your LO to an earlier bedtime once his sleeping schedule is regulated which would allot you some needed downtime in the evenings.
If you are both off on weekends then household duties should be split between the two of you. Don't do one million things during the week. Give yourself a chore per day just like you assign a chore per day to your DH. And if you make DH responsible for getting LO ready and dropped off at daycare in the AM that will make your mornings less stressful. Also, I wouldn't expect for all this to happen at once. In the beginning I would be happy with him just helping with LO at night and taking care of him and bringing him to daycare daily. I would then add the expectation of chores during the week before work.
Until you give the new schedule a try for a couple weeks I don't think it's fair to pick up and leave. That won't teach your DH to be more responsible and you aren't showing him that you want to meet him halfway, or that you're committed to your marriage; you are basically blaming all your problems on him, or at least that's how I would feel if I were him.
Daycare seems to be the best solution. But why move out during that time? Why not use the increased sleep and calmness that everyone will have once your son is on a good schedule to talk to him? When my husband works nights, he often brings home chick fil a chicken biscuits and we eat breakfast together in bed and talk and connect before I have to get up and he has to go to sleep. Marriages need commitment and work in order to be functional. You have to put in the time to have good talks with him, as opposed to running away from the situation. I don't know how it is in Canada, but here in the states, if you get divorced, the father can on many instances get joint custody, so that decision comes with it the real threat of losing lots of time with your son...
See the thing is, DH doesn't agree with daycare. He doesn't want him to go to daycare, and keeps insisting that he will change. It will cost us more than double what we pay now to up his daycare. Right now, with only less than 16hrs a week, we pay $80. with 12 hours a day, we would need to bring him elsewhere, and would likely be looking at more than $100/day. So he is dead set against it.
As far as chores, I have tried everythign there. I can try writing out a chore schedule again and see if i can get him to commit this time. He is ok if I say, in the moment, "hey on your way downstairs, can you grab the laundry and bring it down", but if I leave for the day and ask him to bring the laundry at some point during the day, it won't get done. He forgets absolutely every single thing that is ever said to him, I swear. Even when it is on the fridge on a list. I just don't know how to get him to actually agree, and follow through on improving the way that our home, our marriage, and our lives are run.
I'm sorry, this is turning in to more of a vent about the fact that I just can't stand him at all right now. I'm feeling hopeless lately, just because it is constant fighting, constant empty promises, and I am constantly picking up all the slack.
And it's ridiculous that you're the one getting up with DS if he's already awake. There's just no reason for that, especially since it sounds like his sleeping issues are your H's fault.
Would it be possible for your H to bring him to daycare instead of you? That way he could drop him off closer to 8 so DS isn't in daycare quite as long and your H still has some responsibility.
I 100% admit I haven't fully dealt with what happened the past year. I am a complete, royal, hot mess because of all of it, and I don't think it is something I can deal with all at once. I find that I kind of try to compartmentalize the bits of hurt and deal with them individually. I still haven't even let myself go anywhere near the anger I feel towards him because it is so immense. I just don't know how to face it and express it and talk it out without tramping all over his feelings and causing him to completely shut down again. Not only was he the cause of the whole thing, but he then shut down for months while I held our family together while I swear to God I thought I was dying. I know that all that anger has a roll in this.
We get along perfectly fine as long as I expect nothing from him. To sit and enjoy each other's company, all is well. It is when I start expecting him to do things (ie. look after DS, put his clothes in the hamper, pay his car loan),... that is when things get dicey. I am just let down over and over again. I'm almost at the point of considering it psychological abuse, but it is completely passive. I don't think he intends to be abusive at all, but it's like he thinks he just shouldn't have any responsibilities, and then I get upset and hurt and we fight, and eventually I end up just handling everything in order to avoid being upset and hurt about it all, and he gets off free. This time I don't want to back down and let this cycle continue. I feel like it is a self destruc cycle.
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Everytime I have brought that up he swears up and down and promises he will change, he will do this and this and that, and we don't need it.
I know I'm not a working mom, but I can understand the frustrations that come with a mom who feels like she takes care of LO 24/7. For the longest time, I was waking up with Nat, taking care of her all day, making dinner with her, doing all of the chores with her, and then when my DH comes home from work he wants his down time and then stays up until the wee hours of the morning resulting in sleeping in the next morning past when we wake up.
SO, saying that, I've been down your road being angry and upset that I was taking the responsibility of parenting while DH did barely anything. The hard part is that part of it is you. You can't change a person, but you can change how you behave. Taking a week break from your DH isn't a bad thing; it actually is a good time to take a breath and come back and deal with this.
Daycare might be expensive, but you should write down the pro's and con's and show your DH that this is best for your family and even him. He can argue with it all he wants but unless he steps this is what your family will be doing.
My husband is also forgetful with chores. I've noticed that writing sticky notes in prominent places has really worked well. Put a sticky note on the TV that says, "Don't watch me until you do the dishes!" Pick a chore a day for your DH to do, something that will take just a few minutes, and then praise praise praise him for doing it! He'll be more helpful in the future when he sees how much it makes you happy.
It's hard to be the responsible parent 24/7 and I can't imagine doing this long-term or for the rest of my life. Layout your new schedule with your DH and list of chores and responsibilities with your LO. Having him pick a couple things for him to do and hold him accountable (like with sticky notes, etc). If he makes the decision then he's more likely to do it versus you telling him to do it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this because I know first hand how frustrating it can be! But I agree with pp's that your marriage shouldn't be dissolved; that this is just a bump in the road that you two can overcome. And I agree with Sooner--full-time daycare is your best option all around to provide some instant relief whether your DH wants to do it or not.
Eta: I don't think you should have to tell him what chores to do or post sticky notes everywhere sorry pp he's not a child any more, he's a married man with a baby of his own. I sah with ds but my dh knows that just because I stay home doesn't mean I'm just sitting my ass not doing anything, I com and clean, I play with ds, I take him out for walks, I bathe him and change him, I make him breakfast lunch and dinner and snacks in between. When my dh gets home if he sees there's a load load clothes in the hamper he will put them to wash and wait till its done so he can move them over to the dryer, if he sees dishes in the sink, he will wash them and put them away. He throws out the trash without me having to ask or tell him or have a chore chart hanging around. I think you are right to feel how you feel, your dh needs to grow up, having a baby is a choice you both made, not you alone, so he should help you more.
Even if your H won't go to counseling, you might benefit from seeing someone individually. I know it's hard to rationalize that (I can't spare that hour+, I've got to do the dishes/laundry/insert 10,000 other things here!), but I know that for me, seeing someone really helped me work through my anger and resentment towards my H. It was really nice to have a neutral third party listener who wasn't at all connected to my H.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to re-evaluate being together if you need to put your child in daycare because he is too irresponsible to watch them. With everything else, it sounds like it would be less work for you to be single!
Hopefully you can come to some compromise though. If he gets home at 12:30, he should try to be in bed by 2:30am. That would give him at least 5hrs sleep before DS got up and then he could nap again when DS napped. If he can't commit to this (which he should if he is so set against daycare), then I would definitely go with daycare full time.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know a lot of how you feel. I am having problems with my DH too- especially broken promises- and some irresponsibility. It is so frustrating and I find myself resentful and angry with my DH a lot of the time he is at home (he works a lot), so I can't even enjoy him being home, and it is making me feel somewhat hopeless about our marriage too. My DH is also of the "we don't need counseling" thought.
Maybe you could just try full time daycare for a couple of weeks. I think if your husband got some rest and you got some rest, you could both look at the situation a little more clearly. I know when I'm tired and overwhelmed its very hard to think positively. I am a SAHM so I know things are different, but I did work for awhile after Lyla was born so I know its stressful to be the only one taking care of business. My husband works crazy hours and is sometimes gone from 6am until sometime the next morning and sometimes he is gone for a few days. Something I have had to learn and it wasn't easy was kind of what Sooner said about needing downtime. It is so easy to want to ask him to help with Lyla or do a couple of chores when he walks in the door because I need his help, but he needs time to decompress. He has just worked 12+ hours and needs time to let his mind and body rest. I think your husband is the same way. He is "on" all day and almost all night. I think his staying SO late is probably more out of habit than laziness. Your body gets trained to certain sleep patterns so he probably isn't lying when he says he isn't tired at 3 and 4.
Put LO in daycare fulltime and see if it helps. It will allow your husband to get some rest and maybe adjust his sleep schedule. It will allow you some time to rest well too. I don't think you should jump to divorce until you have tried other things first. You wouldn't want to regret later not trying everything to make it work for both of you.