for those wanting a med free birth
RussianMommy
member
how are you dealing with ppl, if any, who are basically laughing at you saying "good luck"?? I told my Mom tonight that I want to try and get as far as I can without an epidural, but if I happen to want/need one, then that's fine too. She was like "haha good luck, you have no idea what labor is like"
well, duh, of course I don't -- which is why I said I was open to whatever happens. It's so frustrating when you're trying to stay positive and focused and someone like your Mom is telling you that it's not possible. I also told her things I was putting in my birth plan, such as the fact that I don't want the gas mask (personally, I hate the smell, and I hate things covering my nose) and once again she said "how can you say that when you have no idea if you will want it or not"
I really want to involve her in this, but she is so negative and thinks she knows all about labor & delivery. She knows about HER delivery, she doesn't know about everyone's delivery and I feel like times are different now than when she gave birth. She never had doulas and midwives around in her days (at least they weren't as popular/well known in my city here)
I guess I just need to not tell her anything anymore, eh?
Re: for those wanting a med free birth
It doesn't matter what you say to another person involving your pregnancy. They will ALWAYS be critical. After a couple of months of it, I reserved the conversation to my husband and told everyone when they pressed with questions that we would deal with it when the time comes, even though we had our birthing plan in place already. Everyone has their own ideology of the right pregnancy, but the fact is, you row your OWN boat. If you want to try a natural birth, you go girl. You're very brave for wanting too. I was too much of a scaredy cat to even entertain the idea.
Just let your mom know you're keeping your options open right now, you're interested in trying it medicine free, with research you may change your mind. Let her know you would like her to keep an open mind so that you can talk to her about these things, otherwise, you'll feel awkward doing it.
I kept saying I was keeping my options open and I was very similar to you. I also didnt want to be induced or have a csection. Well both of those happened. Just keep an open mind. You will do whatever is needed to keep you or your lo safe.
I don't go out of my way to tell people that I want to go med-free, but I absolutely understand wanting to talk to your mom about it. If possible, I would talk to her and tell her that you've been doing a lot of research on it, and it is something you want to try-- but you are keeping an open mind, and if you need the intervention, you are prepared to accept that at the time. I would also agree that I DON'T know anything about labor, which is why I'm talking to her (mom) about this-- her advice and personal experience are very valuable to me, and it would mean a lot to hear her opinions, but in a supportive and positive way. Worded better than that, of course. Haha.
My own mom told me that I'll always receive advice from people who mean well (herself included), and that it can be hard but I'll learn ways to deal with it. The important thing is to always stand up for what you feel is right for you and your family.
I am going for my first med-free birth, too. And my baby is big with my husband's big head! Hahaha. Oh boy!
I feel that any negativity needs to be squashed and is not welcomed. So keep your mom out of the loop unless she promises to support you, and that means keep her out of the birthing room if she remains the way she is!!! You only want encouragement and support if this is truly the way you want to deliver. Mindset is most of the battle! So keep your plans to yourself unless discussing them with someone who will lift you up.
Good luck, mama! YOU CAN DO IT!!
I'm in Canada, but they keep it beside the bed incase you want it. They just take the edge off, nothing really for pain
I can't relate to my mom being non-supportive about natural birth (she had all three of us at home with 0 pain management drugs, no doulas and no fancy birthing tubs stools or balls) but I can relate to moms being Negative Nancys. Its gotten to the point where I don't even want her there when I give birth. Everything ends up being about her in the end. I can forgive her, but I also fully understand who I am dealing with. It really hurts to miss out on her support but I have a couple of close friends who are willing to step in an able to be nurturing if I need extra support besides DH.
As for your question, you just have to ignore and choose not to share info with the non-supportive people and to seek out the people in your life who are behind your birthing choices and can offer support and advice.
I've never had a full-term baby but from what I understand you will want the drugs and you will ask for them and you will probably get them. If you want a med free birth you have to use sheer willpower or just be at home or in a birthing center where they are not an option. You have to want the med-free birth more than the drugs. Maybe that is all your mom is trying to say and she just doesn't know how to say it in that way. Or maybe she is scared that you (even subconsciously) look down on her for taking meds for pain during labor? My mom would act out if she felt threatened and she often doesn't understand the diplomatic approach. There are a lot of things people do or say in innocence that end up feeling insensitive to those around them.
Good luck! I hope yo get the perfect birth experience you are looking for!
This exactly. I especially agree with bold part! People who have gone med free will tell you it's an amazing experience because that's what they believe. People who went for an epidural will tell you it's crazy to want to experience that pain because that's what they believe. I wouldn't let it get you worked up. Both are perfectly fine and healthy ways to deliver a baby, you can do it however you want!
I understand wanting encouragement and all, but if you don't want to hear people disagree with you, you probably shouldn't talk about it unless you know it's a supportive person. Sucks when that person is your mom, but what else can you do?
Yep, I agree that labor is at least somewhat mind over matter...and also how you roll the dice. Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. However, that you are going into it with positivity and determination is the right way to do it.
I'm on my second pregnancy and people are the opposite with me now - they treat me like a seasoned mom and pretty much no one has given me unsolicited advice or even attempted to touch my stomach. I like it.
I think women having their first babies are magnets for well-meaning but frustrating people. You just have to keep an open ear for the actually good advice and let the rest of it roll off your back. Easier said than done, I know, when your own mom is doing it - I've experienced that, too - but it's the only way to make it to the other side with your sanity.
I wanted a med-free birth with DD. I didn't get one, but that's beside the point.
Honestly, I didn't tell people what my plans were. I didn't want their opinions. It's easy for other moms to judge and tell you "good luck" and "just you wait" and crap like that, but the reality is - their experience is just that. Theirs. Not yours.
So my advice would be: just don't bring it up with her anymore. If she asks, say "I'll see how I feel when the time comes" and leave it at that.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
I too would like to try going as far as possible without drugs. I'm taking a childbirth education class (not really learning anything I didn't already know, but I wanted the breastfeeding class most) and after watching the videos I know I don't want an epidural too soon because I don't want to be confined to bed. If I want to walk around, I want to be able to.
I too have a birth plan, but I'm wise enough to know even though it's my first child that what I have planned for LO and what LO has planned for me are two completely different things. My birth plan is a "best case scenario" type thing but I realize that complications happen and I might not have a choice in the matter so I've already made myself OK with the fact that I won't be upset if everything doesn't go as planned.
I've mentioned to some of my family members that I want to wait as long as possible without meds (or even the whole thing) and some laugh at me telling me that I'm a wimp and will want them the second I feel pain, while others just try and convince me that I will want them and shouldn't even think about doing a med free birth.
Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't realize everybody had access to my pain receptors and was aware of how I handle pain. I like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain given how banged up I get every summer during softball season, and the pain I endure during my period (the kind where if I'm vertical I pass out)... Guess I'll have to add myself to the list of people who keep it between DH and myself.
I think more than the med-free topic what has upset me from what people say about my delivery is the comment that the nurse made last week at my checkup. I had brought my birth plan in to go over with somebody as I had some questions (I printed off the one from the bump) and I didn't know what the difference was in some of the options.
I'm having a boy and one of the options is about a circumcision. We have opted to have one, and one of the boxes to check off says "I want this done in front of myself / my SO" which I have chosen. A couple of my friends recently went through a really bad experience with their son's surgery and it makes me want to be present so I know just what the doctor is doing.
So anyway, the nurse saw that's what I wanted and flat out told me "You don't want to be there for that or for the shots. That's not something you need to be around for or will want to see." Really??? And just who are you to make that decision for me? Maybe it's a rebellious thing that never wore off in adolescence, but I don't like being told what to do or how to do it. I'm apt to do it out of spite just for those reasons if people try to force decisions on me.
People, usually women, will assume that because they did it differently that you are secretly judging them by doing it your way. If you do it the same way they did or have a bad experience, some how you validate their own birth. Usually they are not completely healed emotionally from what happened to them or they can not come to some resolution of their own experience. My neighbor had a c-section and really hasn't dealt with whatever issues that has caused her mentally. Any time someone has a less invasive outcome or a good birth story she shuts down. She's the first to jump to tell her blood and gore story to first time moms in our circle, and you can tell she is still hurting 6 years later. (This is of course my observation and not necessarily true of everyone. But my mother in law is the same way about cloth diapering and breastfeeding because of her experiences with both.)
I say this with complete honesty, good luck with your natural birth plan. Everyone deserves to be hopeful and positive. I hope you are not afraid of birth, the less you are afraid and the less you focus on it being painful, hopefully the more joyous it will be.
I frame it as I did the research and I think this is the best thing for my baby and for the easiest recovery for me. However, I have never been there before, and I will be in the hospital, so should I need something, it will be availble.
I explain that I am doing everything I can to prepare myself including lots of reading and taking Bradley classes and I will have my highly trained midwife and the hospital staff there.
I remind any objectors that this is what my body was designed to do and that there are significant risks and side effects with any medical intervention plus the possibility of epidurals not working. By telling people I have an "out" and am not completely closed to the idea I get a lot more support.
After getting over the initial shock, my mom has been quiet about it. My grandmother keeps teling me "Don't be a martyr." Says the woman who for all 3 of her births went to the hospital, was knocked out and then handed the baby when she woke up. Not exactly the experience I am looking for.