Need a little advice

mocasio3357 · March 2013

I have a good relationship with my MIl and she is an easy person to get along with.

My son is three months old and is very sensitive and fussy when he is anywhere out of the house. Anytime we are anywhere MIL (or FIL) immediately takes him from my arms and it always ends in a melt down. She doesn't even wait for a second, she sees us and just takes him away. Every.time. I want them to bond with him, but it has to be when he is ready for it, like at his house when he is rested and fed. Not out places with people in his face and he is overwhelmed. At those times he needs me to hold him to keep him calm.

My question is how do I tell MIL and FIL to back off without hurting their feelings? No matter how great they are, dealing with in laws is never fun in my opinion.

LatteLady5 · March 2013

Put him in a wrap and wear him close to you. If she doesn't ask before picking him up just tell her he's feeling fussy and you would prefer to hold him until he calms down or whatever. Invite her over more often to bond with him at your house on your terms. Also, if she still keeps trying can you have your H talk to her since it's his mom?

notkateanymore · March 2013

You're being overly sensitive and fussy sounding, IMO. He's a 3 month old...give them some time to bond with him and he'll be fine. Invite them over to your house more, so they can bond in a familiar setting. Other than that, meh...it's not the end of the world if he fusses for a bit. Certainly not worth ruining your relationship with your ILs.

mocasio3357 · March 2013

Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.

Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.

Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?

notreallyirish · March 2013

Just tell her. Obviously she has experienced the whole meltdown, so she knows what happens. I cant imagine her feelings will be hurt if you just say, "I think we can avoid this if you wait a few minutes to let him adjust before you hold him," or something along those lines. Or, like pps said ask her to come over so he can warm up in a familiar environment. Make sure he is fed and otherwise happy.

This is not a difficult an issue to address. I realize the meltdown is bad, but talking to your MIL about it shouldn't be, especially if she is as normal and sane as you say.

mocasio3357 · March 2013

joirish:
Just tell her. Obviously she has experienced the whole meltdown, so she knows what happens. I cant imagine her feelings will be hurt if you just say, "I think we can avoid this if you wait a few minutes to let him adjust before you hold him," or something along those lines. Or, like pps said ask her to come over so he can warm up in a familiar environment. Make sure he is fed and otherwise happy. This is not a difficult an issue to address. I realize the meltdown is bad, but talking to your MIL about it shouldn't be, especially if she is as normal and sane as you say.

Yah, I see now that I'm being ridiculous about it. I'll just stop her at the reach and tell her I'm trying to avoid his meltdowns. She already comes over about once a week and even babysits, but I will try to have her more often to make up for the less snuggling while out.

Thanks for making me see this situation really wasn't worth stressing over.

notkateanymore · March 2013

mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?

Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.

mocasio3357 · March 2013

Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.

He is not extra attached to me or afraid of strangers. In a calm setting he is fine being with others. But he gets overstimulated very easily and people in his face/lights/sounds are what do it and I happen to know how to keep him calm. You know, by being with him all day everyday as his mother. I understand you probably haven't experienced every type of baby in the world, but surely you can understand babies being overstimulated.

holz · March 2013

I'd wear him, which should help with the overstimulation anyway, and then when she asks to hold him just be like "remember how upset he was at x and when y? I'm realizing he gets a little overstimulated when we're out and about and hoping this helps. Lets wait until he gets acclimated."

No biggie. Must be nice to have a reasonable MIL! [mobile, so insert smiley face]

notkateanymore · March 2013

mocasio3357:
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.
He is not extra attached to me or afraid of strangers. In a calm setting he is fine being with others. But he gets overstimulated very easily and people in his face/lights/sounds are what do it and I happen to know how to keep him calm. You know, by being with him all day everyday as his mother. I understand you probably haven't experienced every type of baby in the world, but surely you can understand babies being overstimulated.

Oh I do...I just have never seen a baby react as badly as you are saying he does. Good luck though.

hellopoppyseed · March 2013

I bet you a million bucks your kid is having a meltdown because he's tired. Wear him in a wrap and he will pass out. Tell mil that he's tired and this is the best way to get him to sleep. When he wakes, you will nurse him then pass him off for a good 30 min.

LadyTyler · March 2013

KateMW:
mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives. 
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings. 
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers. 

Nate was and still is like that. I just told people that he will cry if they hold him but he would love it if they play with him from my lap and I haven't had any problems with people respecting that. Just tell her nicely and it should be okay.

sbevmc09 · March 2013

holz:
I'd wear him, which should help with the overstimulation anyway, and then when she asks to hold him just be like "remember how upset he was at x and when y? I'm realizing he gets a little overstimulated when we're out and about and hoping this helps. Lets wait until he gets acclimated." No biggie. Must be nice to have a reasonable MIL! [mobile, so insert smiley face]

I agree. My DS was like this, he's actually just now really coming out of it. I mean, he wasn't melting down at 2, but he's always just been slow to warm up in situations when there's a lot going on. For example, if we go to my grandparents' house for a family gathering, if we're one of the first ones there he's totally fine as people slowly accumulate. If we walk in to a loud room full of people he gets scared and doesn't really want to go in and then it takes him a while until he feels comfortable with the situation. When he was a baby he would often react to crowded situations by getting upset if people tried to get in his face, or take him away from MH or I at first. I do think some kids are just more shy, and more easily overstimulated than others.

I think PP's advice is spot on. Also I would make sure she realizes that he's not reacting this way to her, but the situation itself. He'll grow out of it. I don't recall my DS reacting by crying once he got to be a little older baby. Maybe 6 months-ish? After that he was just kind of shy and then warmed up after a bit and was fine.

mocasio3357 · March 2013

sbevmc09:
holz:
I'd wear him, which should help with the overstimulation anyway, and then when she asks to hold him just be like "remember how upset he was at x and when y? I'm realizing he gets a little overstimulated when we're out and about and hoping this helps. Lets wait until he gets acclimated." No biggie. Must be nice to have a reasonable MIL! [mobile, so insert smiley face]
I agree. My DS was like this, he's actually just now really coming out of it. I mean, he wasn't melting down at 2, but he's always just been slow to warm up in situations when there's a lot going on. For example, if we go to my grandparents' house for a family gathering, if we're one of the first ones there he's totally fine as people slowly accumulate. If we walk in to a loud room full of people he gets scared and doesn't really want to go in and then it takes him a while until he feels comfortable with the situation. When he was a baby he would often react to crowded situations by getting upset if people tried to get in his face, or take him away from MH or I at first. I do think some kids are just more shy, and more easily overstimulated than others.
I think PP's advice is spot on. Also I would make sure she realizes that he's not reacting this way to her, but the situation itself. He'll grow out of it. I don't recall my DS reacting by crying once he got to be a little older baby. Maybe 6 months-ish? After that he was just kind of shy and then warmed up after a bit and was fine.

Thanks for all of the great advice!

And an extra thanks for sharing your experiences! It's always great to hear that my son is not the only one and that your son came out of it well. I really appreciate it.

ridesbuttons · March 2013

KateMW:
mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.

i agree with Kate. Perhaps you are perceiving his reaction in a way that is not consistent with reality. IDK. I can confidently say that I have been around at least 100 three month olds during my life and I have never known one who always freaks out when being held by a stranger.

First-time moms? Now, that's another story. Some of them freak out about everything.

Andrewsgal · March 2013

ridesbuttons:
KateMW:
mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.
i agree with Kate. Perhaps you are perceiving his reaction in a way that is not consistent with reality. IDK. I can confidently say that I have been around at least 100 three month olds during my life and I have never known one who always freaks out when being held by a stranger.
First-time moms? Now, that's another story. Some of them freak out about everything.

I also think this is very much your reality, but not real. I just don't buy it, it is so abnormal from a three month old. The sad thing is hat if you keep catering to this perceived behavior as he is older it will become all too real. I see this over and over.

notkateanymore · March 2013

Andrewsgal:
ridesbuttons:
KateMW:
mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.
i agree with Kate. Perhaps you are perceiving his reaction in a way that is not consistent with reality. IDK. I can confidently say that I have been around at least 100 three month olds during my life and I have never known one who always freaks out when being held by a stranger.
First-time moms? Now, that's another story. Some of them freak out about everything.
I also think this is very much your reality, but not real. I just don't buy it, it is so abnormal from a three month old. The sad thing is hat if you keep catering to this perceived behavior as he is older it will become all too real. I see this over and over.

Thank you! I was beginning to think I was nuts. LOL I mean, that's such a weird thing for a 3 mo. old to do. Hell, they're still half lumpy then. They don't care where the food and snuggles come from half the time. Lord, I want a 3 mo. old.

So cute.

Andrewsgal · March 2013

KateMW:
Andrewsgal:
ridesbuttons:
KateMW:
mocasio3357:
Thanks to both of you for the different perspectives.
Just to clarify in response to Kate, once he melts down it is far from fussy. I'm talking 1/2 hour to an hour of hyperventilating crying until he calms again and sometimes only nursing gets him there. Also, our relationship would not be ruined by this because we are all reasonable people. I am looking for a delicate way to handle it because I care about her feelings.
Maybe I am making more of a deal about this than it is worth. After reading how upset he gets, would you leave things be, or address it?
Well if she's too dense to see it upsets her grandchild, I guess if you want it to stop, you're going to have to say something. Not that I don't believe you, but I've never ever come in contact with a 3 month old that is that attached to his mother and is that afraid of strangers.
i agree with Kate. Perhaps you are perceiving his reaction in a way that is not consistent with reality. IDK. I can confidently say that I have been around at least 100 three month olds during my life and I have never known one who always freaks out when being held by a stranger.
First-time moms? Now, that's another story. Some of them freak out about everything.
I also think this is very much your reality, but not real. I just don't buy it, it is so abnormal from a three month old. The sad thing is hat if you keep catering to this perceived behavior as he is older it will become all too real. I see this over and over.
Thank you! I was beginning to think I was nuts. LOL I mean, that's such a weird thing for a 3 mo. old to do. Hell, they're still half lumpy then. They don't care where the food and snuggles come from half the time. Lord, I want a 3 mo. old. So cute.

this kind of stuff drives me crazy. I really can't believe people put these personality traits on what is basically a blob. Then they have a two year old like this and say see he has always been like this. NO you made him like that, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I also live how she says he gets so upset she can only calm him by bfing. Um that is totally typical at this age and the way both my kids were calmed down when hey were fussy and tired.

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