Alright, I need a little clarity on this issue. Feel free to let me know if I am being unreasonable/crazy!
I am due in 3 weeks and my husband just told me this morning that he plans to go out for brunch with a girl he briefly dated 12 years ago. They have been friends since they stopped dating, she is married and the 4 of us have gone out as couples a few times. I'm not concerned about him cheating or anything like that but I just feel this is wrong...
He will need to drive 40 minutes to see her and I don't feel he should be spending on of our last few weekends alone together doing this. He could be home with me just enjoying our time together and/or helping to get organized for this baby. (although, to be completely honest we really are as prepared as possible for the baby). I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now and why should I have to give up my time with him so he can spend half of a day her.
So how would you feel about this?
Re: DH rant- would this upset you?
My personal opinion is that it would never be appropriate for DH to meet alone with an ex. Period. Go out as couples? Fine. The two of you meet up with her together? Fine. But alone? Why does he need to? My husband and I read a great book called "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins, and I would recommend it for you and your DH. Its about setting smart boundaries to protect your marriage.
I would let DH know that you are not comfortable with this, especially so close to your due date.
ITA
I do agree with PP...can she drive to meet DH by your house, drop by and say hi? That makes the most sense of all.
oh no... absolutely not.. wouldn't happen.
Why do they need to go out at all? If I could not attend then DH would not go. Period. 40 minutes or 40 seconds from my house. I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you guys have had time together as couples, then her and her H can come see your new family once the baby comes..
If you were invited and just don't want to go, and you really do trust your husband, then it's truly just being selfish and thats not right, no matter the circumstances. I would let him go, and like PP do something for yourself that afternoon instead.
I think I'm kind of in the very slim minority in saying that I don't think it's a big deal. You said they dated briefly almost 12 years ago (so nothing serious, and well over a decade ago), and they have been friends since. If they hadn't maintained a friendship then I would say no, absolutely. If their relationship is longer than your marriage/courtship then I definitely wouldn't see a problem with it.
They invited you to go out with them, you both have established families, and you are not worried about cheating. He has to have a life of his own outside of you, and who knows... maybe he's trying to get some of the things he wants to get done before baby arrives so he can be more helpful when the time comes. I know my DH is trying to get all of his late night gaming and drinking nights with his friends out of the way because he knows when the baby arrives it will not be possible for a few months.
If you don't let him know how precious these last few weeks are to you then that's on you... he isn't psychic. I think you should let him go instead of brooding about it. Hang out with some of your friends instead.
Pregnant or not this would be unacceptable to me. As a PP stated, it's all about setting boundaries. Ok so you and DH are friends with her and her husband then fine if you are comfortable with that. But even then there needs to be boundaries. My DH and I have "couple" friends but we ALWAYS go out as couples. If we don't then it will be the men only or the women only going out. So you say you were invited, but I don't see the question answered as to why her DH isn't going or is he?
I understand you say you do not suspect infidelity. And I am glad you feel certain of that. And I certainly hope that is true. I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy here, but just because infidelity isn't suspected doesn't mean it doesn't exist or it will never happen. Not all affairs start off with the actual intent to hurt a significant other. Not all affairs are committed by people that consider themselves "cheaters". Many of them start with situations that people feel are "no big deal".
Would you have an issue with this if it were a male friend? Honestly, after 12 years, and being friendly with them that long, I don't see how her being an ex matters here.
Meet up with a friend yourself, get a pedicure, take a nap, whatever. Unless you've got something specific you want to do w/ your H during that time and only that time, let this one go. Trust me, it's easier for him to go (and for you to be ok with it) for an afternoon now than post-baby. If you're really worried you'll go into labor, have a back up person to get you to the hospital and he can meet you there, and likely won't miss much.
Like some others, I don't see how it is a big deal. If you really don't suspect infidelity, I don't get it. Because you are having a baby in a few weeks, your husband needs to spend every waking minute with you? There are enough hours in a weekend that you and he can also spend lots of quality time together. Like another poster said, if it was a male friend, would you mind? I also don't think 40 minutes is that far to drive to catch up with a friend. My hubs and/or I do it all the time.
All that being said, us pregnant women get some free passes for being irrational, so use 'em while you got 'em!
I would be irritated for anyone, male or female, to take up half a weekend day when we only have 2 maybe 3 weekends left with just the two of us. I think the ex and insecurity discussion is a big tangent. I cant explain why for me, but i just want my husband around me every moment that he can. It makes me feel comfortable and eases my anxiety. Rational, probably not, but maybe its part of being a FTM. They've been friends for 12 years, she can wait a couple months to do brunch.
I think how you're feeling is being amplified by hormones. There's not much you can do but be aware of it and try to consciously counteract it. This type of reaction has the potential to build resentment in your husband, so I hope you are very open and honest with him about why you're feeling this way and encourage him to do the same.
This exactly. I have asked my husband not to go visit his best friend who lives an hour and a half away because I don't like him being that far away from me, even when I've been at work or doing other things. Maybe hormones make me clingy, but I figure I have the right in my last month of pregnancy to be a bit clingy with DH. (For the record, I'm fine with best friend coming here to visit, even if I'm home.) If you've explained your feelings, hopefully DH will understand that this bothers you, rational or not, and happily spend one of your last weekends together just the two of you. Really, at this point, any weekend together could be your last as a twosome. :-)