I admit it, I judge other parents

Merried_2008 · February 2013

Do you? I can have a friend I love and admire but then think tsk tsk, I'd never do thaaat!

For example my friend lets her babies watch hours and hours of tv daily and feeds them crap food, I mean really junky shttt. Yes I judged her before I had kids and now even more so.

::Hangs head in shame and hides::

potbellypig · February 2013

Before I had DD I was very judgemental of other parents. Then I had DD and followed some AP practices and became even more judgemental. Nursing is best without exception, co-sleeping is best without exception etc. I vowed I would feed her properly, educate her well, keep her entertained without the TV or Iphone. My kid was not going to have a snotty face or grimy clothes and I would love being a mom.

And then...

My AP train kind of fell apart when DD was crawling around the bed and we decided to put her in her own room. After DD went in her own room I decided it was best for us to stop nursing (she was just over 7 months) and weaned her pretty quickly, started using formula. Then I decided to do some gentle sleep training (No-Cry Sleep Solution for a few weeks then a little CIO ). I went back to work full-time when she was 8 months old (which is way early in Canada), and she occasionally watches TV so that I can make supper. Her face is always snotty (despite frequent washing of it) and I can't figure out how to get any stain off her stuff. I breathe a giant sigh of relief when she goes to bed.

Right after DD was born, I was on an AP Facebook group that was EXTREMELY judgemental and not supportive of our AP struggles at all. There was zero understanding or tolerance for parents to wanted to practice some aspects of AP but couldn't mentally handle the more physical aspects of AP. No offense, but after my experience with those women I have decided that people who are super pro-AP can be some of the least supportive parents out there (or maybe I was in the wrong support group...who knows).

I have become a lot less judgemental as time has gone by, and I'm actually pretty embarrassed about how judgemental I used to be. I've really learnt that all decisions mothers make are from the heart, and even if they aren't the best decisions in the long-run, you make the best choice for your child with the information and resources you have at the time. And when you know better you do better, although everyone has different experiences as to what "better" is.

JayandEmm · February 2013

I judge the crap out of DH's coworker who gives his toddler soda all day and lets them stay up past midnight every night.

I also judged a mom on my FB who turned her 9 month old forward facing in the carseat and doesn't have her 4 year old in a booster or carseat.

BriDaily · February 2013

Hmm... judging? Is it really judging another parent when what they are doing is clearly NOT the best thing for their child? I don't think so. In fact, I will gladly point out that the AAP recommends children not be allowed to view TV until the age of 2 (although I do let my 18 month old DS watch a little TV, but I do it with him and talk to him about the things he is seeing... I don't plunk him down and walk away every time). I will definitely say something about improper car seat safety. I even called out my in-laws bc they placed my niece FF at the age of 9 months because "she had outgrown her infant seat." Sorry, there are laws in this state and every state saying a child must be rear faced through the age of 1 year! I even contacted the state department of vehicle safety about the situation. Yups, I'm extreme Stick out tongue

As for parents feeding their children junk food. Let me tell you a story. One friend I had in high school had a mother who was single when he was a toddler. She worked for a catering business and did a lot of weddings. They ate a LOT of leftover wedding cake... his mom really couldn't afford healthy food sometimes and the leftovers from a wedding were all they might have some days. Needless to say, the guy NEVER eats cake now. In fact, the mere act of seeing a cake makes him feel sick to his stomach! So moral of the story, while your friend certainly isn't setting a good example for her children or giving them the most nutritious food, it could backfire one day. Pretty soon they are going to start asking why they don't buy more fresh fruits and veggies because they taste a lot better! It is possible some of the healthy eating programs in schools may light this fire.

In the meantime, you can always gift the children presents for their birthdays that make them stop and think about their lifestyle. For example - I found a very cool book about recycling that I will be giving my niece for her 2nd bday in May. (Her dad is 17 years old and still living with his parents who throw everything away) I will probably also gift some recycling bins/containers with the book. You could do similar things - gift books about vegetables and fruits. Cookie Monster eats his veggies before getting his "sometimes food" of cookies these days! Find a book about how much baby likes snuggling with mommy. Buy toys that encourage motor skills (my DS loves his Lego Duplos), include an interesting article on motor skill development for mommy to read. Gift a CD of music for children, include an article on the benefits of listening to music. Give tools to your friend to encourage her to raise her children differently. If you just stand by shaking your head, but never take the opportunity to provide her with resources, she will just continue doing what she is doing. Give her something to think about!

tokenhoser · February 2013

I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.

And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".

Merried_2008 · February 2013

Let me be clear. I'm human. I judge. Ugh phone won't let me do a smiley face. I know I'm not alone.

I love the idea about giving books about veggies, etc!

MmW36 · February 2013

My husband and I say all the time "we will never do that with our child." I'm waiting to see how we will be forced to eat our words. Haha.

BriDaily · February 2013

tokenhoser:
I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.
And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".

Just curious why you would judge parents who spend countless hours pouring over literature pertaining to how our immune systems work, read about the ingredients found in vaccines, and ponder medical studies showing the repercussions of injecting things like aluminum or mercury into the human body? You would also be judging the vast majority of the Amish/Mennonite community in America, not to mention the world.

Perhaps the people you should be judging are the ones who blindly follow others and never take the time to truly educate themselves or their children; the ones who never ask questions and never seek answers.

Runaway22 · February 2013

DC2London:
I will admit I do judge people with horrible diets. I definitely side eye the mom in the grocery store who is buying Cocoa Puffs, Mountain Dew and Cheetos and absolutely zero fresh foods. I shouldn't....but I do.

Ah, I've been wondering how many side-eyes I've gotten the past couple of weeks while checking out at the grocery store. My diet lately has been pretty shameful! haha

I don't know many moms IRL that I judge for judging sake, but I judge the $%#@ out of the Teen Moms :X

happywife2b · February 2013

I wouldn't call that being judgmental. I would call that recognising the flaw in other forms of parenting. It is not ok to feed kids total crap all the time. Every so often giving your kids ice cream or a little treat is one thing, and not harmful in the long run. But feeding kids crap food on a regular basis it is harmful to the child, and not acceptable.

Same thing with TV. A little TV of an age-appropriate nature can be fun for kids to enjoy, and can really stimulate their little brains and be a good learning tool. However, it is not acceptable to let the TV babysit the kids because a parent is busy or doesn't feel like interacting.

Recognizing these things and making the choice to provide better parenting is not judgmental. It is healthy!

For some reason we have been taught as a society that we don't have the right to recognize the flaws or the unhealthy behavior of others and that we have to be accepting of others, no matter how unhealthy or misguided they may be. That is total BS in my opinion.

ChristyML · February 2013

BriDaily:
tokenhoser:
I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.
And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".
Just curious why you would judge parents who spend countless hours pouring over literature pertaining to how our immune systems work, read about the ingredients found in vaccines, and ponder medical studies showing the repercussions of injecting things like aluminum or mercury into the human body? You would also be judging the vast majority of the Amish/Mennonite community in America, not to mention the world.
Perhaps the people you should be judging are the ones who blindly follow others and never take the time to truly educate themselves or their children; the ones who never ask questions and never seek answers.

Someone in my husband's family got vaccinated and she went into a vegetative state. There was no other reason for her vegetative state other than her vaccinations.

My husband and his twin sister got their first vaccinations, and had really bad reactions to them (worse than what the doctor said would happen). They didn't get anymore and their siblings never got theirs.

These are some of the reasons I chose not to vaccinate my child.

ChristyML · February 2013

Bump Burp.

chardonnay24 · February 2013

ChristyML:
BriDaily:
tokenhoser:
I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.
And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".
Just curious why you would judge parents who spend countless hours pouring over literature pertaining to how our immune systems work, read about the ingredients found in vaccines, and ponder medical studies showing the repercussions of injecting things like aluminum or mercury into the human body? You would also be judging the vast majority of the Amish/Mennonite community in America, not to mention the world.
Perhaps the people you should be judging are the ones who blindly follow others and never take the time to truly educate themselves or their children; the ones who never ask questions and never seek answers.
Someone in my husband's family got vaccinated and she went into a vegetative state. There was no other reason for her vegetative state other than her vaccinations.
My husband and his twin sister got their first vaccinations, and had really bad reactions to them (worse than what the doctor said would happen). They didn't get anymore and their siblings never got theirs.
These are some of the reasons I chose not to vaccinate my child.

Ah, yes. Peer reviewed, scientific...anecdotal evidence is the way to go when making choices about your child's health.

I judge non-vaxers as well. Harshly. It's selfish, stupid, and unsafe. It's right up there with carseat safety for me.

punkrockabye · February 2013

chardonnay24:
ChristyML:
BriDaily:
tokenhoser:
I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.
And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".
Just curious why you would judge parents who spend countless hours pouring over literature pertaining to how our immune systems work, read about the ingredients found in vaccines, and ponder medical studies showing the repercussions of injecting things like aluminum or mercury into the human body? You would also be judging the vast majority of the Amish/Mennonite community in America, not to mention the world.
Perhaps the people you should be judging are the ones who blindly follow others and never take the time to truly educate themselves or their children; the ones who never ask questions and never seek answers.
Someone in my husband's family got vaccinated and she went into a vegetative state. There was no other reason for her vegetative state other than her vaccinations.
My husband and his twin sister got their first vaccinations, and had really bad reactions to them (worse than what the doctor said would happen). They didn't get anymore and their siblings never got theirs.
These are some of the reasons I chose not to vaccinate my child.
Ah, yes. Peer reviewed, scientific...anecdotal evidence is the way to go when making choices about your child's health.
I judge non-vaxers as well. Harshly. It's selfish, stupid, and unsafe. It's right up there with carseat safety for me.

I'm also in this group. I do understand that some people cannot be vaccinated due to specific allergies/being immunocompromised/etc. Which to me, means that it is just that much more important for those they come in contact with to be vaccinated. Someone asked about judging a religious group that doesn't vax... yes, I do. Let me pose it this way: some religions believe in circumcision. Now how many of us who are against circing feel that "oh, well, if it's religious, then it's all good!"

...I may have inadvertently added another issue to the fire. oops.

Anyway. Yes, I judge people. Many times I judge them for things that should not be judged for, like putting babies in strollers constantly. But since very few of their parenting decisions affect my child, I say absolutely nothing. I feel like I SHOULD say something on issues of safety: plopping car seats down on top of carts, not strapping car seats properly or shoving kid into 3 snowsuits before strapping them in, or wearing a crotch dangler so low that the newborn's feet are hitting the adult's thighs. As someone who had a ton of problems about 2 weeks in, I judge people for wanting to BF but very quickly deciding that "I can't do it" and not seeking any help... it's a bit different than simply changing your mind or not wanting to to begin with. I just think, if you actually want to, try getting help first and don't use "having trouble" as an excuse.

Before I had my baby I thought pacifiers were for lazy parents. Then I realized that babies have a biological need to suck. I thought the TV would be the devil, although we watch it all the time, and I "knew" I'd keep my kid away from it. Then I realized that sometimes I need her to stop screaming so I can pee, or that when she has RSV and is screaming and I need to lay her down and take her temperature, she likes to calm down and not flail and instead she'll stare at Big Bird. She's not parked in front of Miss TV the Babysitter all day. Fair enough for me.

I know I get judged as well. We actually take our daughter out, and did so early on. She's 6 months today and this is the FIRST time she has been sick. She's also going to go to concerts with us. We have a pair of baby earmuffs for her. I'm still breastfeeding, and people think that's weird. Family is pretty vocal about thinking it's hilarious that she will RF past 1. Our cloth diapering is crazy, babywearing (and saying I will do so for a couple years) is crazy; a family member said "40 pounds? Right, try wearing my 5 year old!" and they quieted down when I offered to if the child was willing. Nobody is exempt from judging or being judged, but only the tacky ones attack people for simple parenting decisions. In my opinion, vaccinations, circumcision, egregious misuse of car seats: not simple parenting decisions. TV? Cheetos? My mouth is closed.

xoexpat · February 2013

"Before I had my baby I thought pacifiers were for lazy parents. Then I realized that babies have a biological need to suck. I thought the TV would be the devil, although we watch it all the time, and I "knew" I'd keep my kid away from it. " This is me, too. I'm glad our LOs are not totally dependent on the pacifier, but they do like to fall asleep with them in. And about TV, DH and I like to watch a show or two in the evening, and I hate that the babies are with us when that happens. If it's swing time for one of them, we will have the swing facing us and not the screen, and we try to distract the other one with toys. *cringe* This is probably my biggest guilty feeling. The most judgey time for me was definitely before I had children! And especially when I was pregnant. Babies have a way of slapping you in the face and laughing, don't they? Gotta love em.

tokenhoser · February 2013

BriDaily:
tokenhoser:
I save my deepest judgment for the non-vaxers. And I do know some of those IRL.
And when I heard she switched to another church, the first words out of my mouth were "Good, my baby won't be around her kids".
Just curious why you would judge parents who spend countless hours pouring over literature pertaining to how our immune systems work, read about the ingredients found in vaccines, and ponder medical studies showing the repercussions of injecting things like aluminum or mercury into the human body? You would also be judging the vast majority of the Amish/Mennonite community in America, not to mention the world.
Perhaps the people you should be judging are the ones who blindly follow others and never take the time to truly educate themselves or their children; the ones who never ask questions and never seek answers.

I judge them because they are wrong.

Individuals with truly higher risk of terrible adverse reactions should be protected by herd immunity. I will agree that there are people that shouldn't be vaccinated, but they're not the children of parents with degrees from Google U. People who can not be vaccinated are usually THANKFUL that other people are vaccinated so they aren't at risk of nasty disease.

Non-vaxers throw my newborn under the bus with their crappy decisions. The non-vaxers I know are just delusional, they're not responsible.

ncbelle · February 2013

I think it's human nature to judge...it's one of the ways we validate our own decisions. People who say they don't judge are lying - they may just be nice and keep the judgements to themselves.

Of course it is possible to go of the rails on the judgement crazy train too....

salt78 · February 2013

potbellypig:
Before I had DD I was very judgemental of other parents. Then I had DD and followed some AP practices and became even more judgemental. Nursing is best without exception, co-sleeping is best without exception etc. I vowed I would feed her properly, educate her well, keep her entertained without the TV or Iphone. My kid was not going to have a snotty face or grimy clothes and I would love being a mom.
And then...
My AP train kind of fell apart when DD was crawling around the bed and we decided to put her in her own room. After DD went in her own room I decided it was best for us to stop nursing (she was just over 7 months) and weaned her pretty quickly, started using formula. Then I decided to do some gentle sleep training (No-Cry Sleep Solution for a few weeks then a little CIO ). I went back to work full-time when she was 8 months old (which is way early in Canada), and she occasionally watches TV so that I can make supper. Her face is always snotty (despite frequent washing of it) and I can't figure out how to get any stain off her stuff. I breathe a giant sigh of relief when she goes to bed.
Right after DD was born, I was on an AP Facebook group that was EXTREMELY judgemental and not supportive of our AP struggles at all. There was zero understanding or tolerance for parents to wanted to practice some aspects of AP but couldn't mentally handle the more physical aspects of AP. No offense, but after my experience with those women I have decided that people who are super pro-AP can be some of the least supportive parents out there (or maybe I was in the wrong support group...who knows).
I have become a lot less judgemental as time has gone by, and I'm actually pretty embarrassed about how judgemental I used to be. I've really learnt that all decisions mothers make are from the heart, and even if they aren't the best decisions in the long-run, you make the best choice for your child with the information and resources you have at the time. And when you know better you do better, although everyone has different experiences as to what "better" is.

I love all of this.

gnomemom · February 2013

MmW36:
My husband and I say all the time "we will never do that with our child." I'm waiting to see how we will be forced to eat our words. Haha.

This is me. I've been a mom for all of 3 months, to a baby who is honestly super easy. Very happy, in great health, STTN 12 hours straight, no problems BFing...I'm waiting for it to all come crashing down. So aside from major safety issues, I am trying to reserve judgement. I have all of these big ideas about how I want to parent, but I'm sure future me will think present me was pretty clueless.

ChristyML · February 2013

fredalina:
And this is where pro vax people go off the crazy train for me. PP has a daughter with close biological family members who have had bad reactions to vaccines, including the father. Multiple family members, with reactions as severe as persistent vegetative state. Statistically speaking, her child probably won't have adverse reactions, but the risk is higher. This is someone who gets a pass in my book, and if all the idiot autism freakout people would vax, her child would be protected by herd immunity. But there are so many idiots thinning the herd. Judge them. In her shoes, I might choose a delayed schedule or to skip certain vaccines with my doctor's input. You might choose to vax or an alternate path, too.

If you're talking about me, I just wanted to say thank you for not judging and being understanding. Most of the people who know that Joey isn't vaccinated have judged us harshly. They don't know our circumstances, and they don't really give me (or my husband) a chance to explain why we didn't vaccinate.

skibunny59 · February 2013

I try not to judge other parents. I really like to believe that parents try to do the best job they can. It's hard not to judge though. Sometimes I judge my SIL for allowing her 2 young boys (ages 3 and 5) to play games on her ipad for hours. Or to allow the boys to watch movies and tv shows on her ipad/ipod at restaurants. I know she does it so the kids sit still in the restaurant and behave but I like to think that ipods, ipads, cellphones, will NEVER be allowed at the dinner table in my family. Other than that I think she's a great mom.

ChristyML · February 2013

I think there's a difference between judging out loud and telling other parents to do things different, and just keeping it to yourself. I don't think it's wrong to judge and keep it to yourself. I mean, it's better to not judge at all, but if something just bugs you, and you keep it to yourself, I think that's fine.

I also think that like skibunny59 said, she's learning how she wants to parent based on other parents' "mistakes", kwim?

Jbosarge85 · February 2013

I judge a friend who when her kid hits others hits him to teach him not to hit....umm..this is something I've never understood, and never will. I am a firm believer in not hitting.

stepper1725 · February 2013

BriDaily:
Hmm... judging? Is it really judging another parent when what they are doing is clearly NOT the best thing for their child? I don't think so. In fact, I will gladly point out that the AAP recommends children not be allowed to view TV until the age of 2 (although I do let my 18 month old DS watch a little TV, but I do it with him and talk to him about the things he is seeing... I don't plunk him down and walk away every time). I will definitely say something about improper car seat safety. I even called out my in-laws bc they placed my niece FF at the age of 9 months because "she had outgrown her infant seat." Sorry, there are laws in this state and every state saying a child must be rear faced through the age of 1 year! I even contacted the state department of vehicle safety about the situation. Yups, I'm extreme

Please tell me you see the irony here re: your stance on vaccinations. Please. It's just too much.

highlights · February 2013

The parent I judge most harshly is myself. Being a working mom with two jobs and a mysterious illness for the entirety of 2012 made me do a lot of things on my "never" list. My kid ate too much candy and not enough vegetables. His hair cuts weren't that great, he knows way too many TV shows and how to run the DVD player (almost), his clothes didn't match all the time, and I constantly forgot to get his daycare schedule in on time. Oh, and a couple of times, I forgot his sippy cup and he had to drink a 7 Up because it was the only option available.

Other than that, I tend to judge parents who think that they know the best way to parent other people's children. Occasionally my judge-ometer goes off when I see a parent being harsh with their toddler, I'm side-eyeing the parent whose kid taught my kid to call people "corn teeth" and sometimes I want to tell my co-worker if she was more consistent with her discipline her kids wouldn't run roughshod over her. But I don't really know what they are going through, so I try my best to bite my tongue and remember that I don't live in their world, and I sure as hell don't want them to judge mine.

brinaroze1 · February 2013

When I was pregnant, there were so many things I swore I'd NEVER do. I'd judge the mothers I knew who'd do any of these things. Now that my baby is here, I've learned to relax. I do what I need to in order to take care of my baby girl, and sometimes that means loosening up on my preconceived ideas of what being a good mom meant. She's healthy and happy, and that's the most important thing.

salt78 · February 2013

skibunny59:
Or to allow the boys to watch movies and tv shows on her ipad/ipod at restaurants. I know she does it so the kids sit still in the restaurant and behave but I like to think that ipods, ipads, cellphones, will NEVER be allowed at the dinner table in my family. Other than that I think she's a great mom.

I probably used to say the same thing, but The Wiggles on my phone have saved us from a restaurant meltdown before. I don't intend to allow her to have her nose glued to the iPad for hours at a time and it was a very last resort while we were out, but it's not like we could just walk out on our bill.

I admit it, I judge other parents

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