Who to have in the delivery room?

jfloor · February 2013

My husband and I decided to not have anyone in the delivery room. I recognize this may change when time comes, but for now this is what I am most comfortable with. I told my mom and she flipped out. It caused a huge argument. I think she is being unsupportive and making this all about her. She says I am clueless to hurting people's feelings. Any thoughts? What have others done? Am I being too harsh?

Ktrevey · February 2013

No, I think thats fair. I told my mom that she can be in the room until I need to push and things start getting real. Then she needs to leave. That was a good compromise for her.

MrsWindyCity · February 2013

It's not too harsh, and it's your choice. I only had H and a doula the first time around, and this time it will just be H. No way would I ever, ever want anyone else in the delivery room with me.

mben1119 · February 2013

Your kid, your labor, your decision.

doozer1345 · February 2013

Frankly, this is yours and DH's time not anyone else's. Your mom had her time when she had you and it is your right as you expand your family to have whoever you want in there. DH and I are probably not going to call anyone until we've had her and feel we've had our fill of our special first moments with her. This is about you and your new family member not anyone else.

nkasearle · February 2013

My husband and I have decided that it will be us and one of closest friends if she choses she would like to be there (she has been waivering), but NO MOMS. We know this may not come across well, but it is my choice and my delivery. Plus I wouldn't be comfortable with my MIL seeing me in labor and I don't want to have to hear the fall out of letting one mom in over the other. Not going there!!

traneshaph · February 2013

No, I think that's fine. It's your choice and your "hooh-hah" that'll be on display I personally, as a FTM, want to have my mom in the room. This is also her 1st grandchild and she lives 9 hrs away, so....it's a pretty big deal for her too. For subsequent births, it'll probably be just me and SO. I do NOT and will NOT have MIL in the room though. That's too much for me. SO understands and has no objections. So it'll be just him and my mom this time around.

BabyMayinMarch · February 2013

It will just be DH and I in the delivery room. The fewer people the better for me to keep calm and relaxed.

StarBe · February 2013

Ktrevey:
No, I think thats fair. I told my mom that she can be in the room until I need to push and things start getting real. Then she needs to leave. That was a good compromise for her.

This exactly

lauralovesbob · February 2013

mabenner1:
Your kid, your labor, your decision.

Exactly. This is about you getting through this in whatever manner you are most comfortable. The fact that your mom is making this about her is ridiculous. She's obviously having some hurt feelings about being included, perhaps to help her feel part of it you can assign her some task, i.e. contacting extended family, managing family who are waiting at the hospital (if you have family that insist on being there), bringing you a special snack when labor is over, etc.

For me, my husband and doula are going to be the only ones in the room. The first time around it was just my husband. I can see why for someone with a different personality than me they'd want their mom there. But it's a personal decision for you.

526SadieSadie · February 2013

mabenner1:
Your kid, your labor, your decision.

100%

jfloor · February 2013

I actually initially asked her to help with our dog so my husband could stay at the hospital with me. She ended up using that against me and was insulted by my even asking if I wasn't going to allow her in the delivery room.

I like the idea of asking her to inform family because she would love that.

starting all over again · February 2013

I really don't understand how parents seem to think it's obligatory that they are in the delivery room. Were they there when your LO's life was being created? Doing coaching from the closet and cheering you on??? I'm so glad I come from a family that understands privacy and they want to be told when I go to the hospital and to inform them before the pushing begins. This way they don't have to stand around in the waiting room for what could be hours. They show up after the LO is born ans cleaned up and only come to make sure that everyone made it through healthy. Then they understand that you need rest and quiet bonding time with your new family. If we are in the hospital for 2 or more days, that's when the visiting begins!! Maybe I should consider myself lucky??

dande2129 · February 2013

I think that you're right. IMO, it's normal for your mom to be upset if she had her hopes up for being there for the delivery but in the end, it's about you, your husband and the baby you made together and no one else. She should respect your decision. This is a time in your life that you don't need to be sensitive to other people's feelings (except your H, of course)

I can't imagine not having my mom in the room, but we are incredibly close. She was there for DS and was such a support and encouraging voice. Naturally, I wanted her in the delivery room with LO, and FI was okay with that. I did not want his mom in there, and he was upset by that. (I don't know if she was. We never talked about it.)

I told him that I was okay with just her being in the waiting room and coming in right after he was born, and that was the plan. My step-mom called her when my mom told her that was having contractions 2 min apart, thinking that it was really close so FI's mom dropped DS off with my step-mom. She was in the room while I was laboring, and I was okay with that. But, things happened REALLY quickly once she arrived and when I was ready to push, she asked me where I wanted her, that she'd do whatever I wanted blah blah blah. All I could think about was the pain, the pressure and getting my baby out.

...She ended up staying in the delivery room. It wasn't in my plan but I don't necessarily regret it; she got to see her first biological grandchildren born and I really didn't notice her. The only thing I was focused on was LO.

youenjoymyself · February 2013

She'll get over it.

TMWarren85 · February 2013

I agree with everyone else- with DD I knew my mom would throw a fit and try to sneak in so I told her ahead of time it would just be us, and then I ended up being induced and we didn't tell her (or anyone for that matter) until I was already well into labor. And at that point he sent out a mass text that said I was in labor, he would send details as available and didn't respond unless there was a need.

I may let some visit during labor after I've had my epidural, but I don't want anyone in there while I'm in visible pain because I don't want anyone acting all pity-party for me. I may have to compromise at some point because someone will have to watch DD and bring her to the hospital- but NO ONE except DH in there during delivery. This is our time.

Disneygeek77 · February 2013

This is one of those times in your life where you have to look out for what you and your husband want and not be concerned about other people's feelings. Is your mom allowed to be disappointed and upset ? Sure, she is entitled to her feelings just like anyone else, however that doesn't mean you have to change your plans to spare her feelings ? Let her be upset. It won't be the last time so she might as well get used to it.

Rose120 · February 2013

I don't understand why anyone would "expect" to be in the room with you in labor. It never ever crossed my mind to have anyone besides my husband in the room. Was your grandmother in the room when your mother gave birth to you? Because I seriously doubt it. Just tell her no if that's what you want.. If she gives you a hard time about it she is selfish and childish.

jfloor · February 2013

Thanks everyone for your feedback!!!! I am going to stick to my plan and if I change my mind in the middle of labor then even better for her, but I'm not going to let her guilt me into changing my mind. She doesn't seem to understand what I mean by being supportive and she says I am misinterpreting what she says. I think it was pretty clear when she told me I am clueless about hurting people's feelings (this is quoted verbatim too) that she was making this about her and completely disregarding what I wanted. Onward and upward, no more stressing about this. Everyone's feedback was really comforting and helpful so thank you!!!

CaraLynn91 · February 2013

It was just us 2 when we had DD, and it was miraculous. I will be doing it again this time. My mom was 100% supportive. His...not so much, but that's normal for her.

Disneygeek77 · February 2013

Don't let you mom upset you. Besides, this a moment for your and your husband. Other people feelings are kinda irrelevant.

wcvsb3b5 · February 2013

I don't think you are being too harsh. I am also only planning on having DH in the delivery room. I feel like more people might make things more hectic/chaotic.

ally2011 · February 2013

It will be us and the doula. I am sure our moms may be disappointed, but they would never say so.

At the end of the day, labor can be stalled and slowed when a woman is not comfortable with who is there. I am trying for a med-free birth and need to be able to focus on that only. I am a very modest person and for me, having other people there would definitely cause me anxiety.

Try to help your mom understand it maybe from that angle and reassure her that you love her, are so excited for her to meet her grandchild (after), etc. Hopefully she will come around, but if not, I still think you need to do what is going to give you the best labor experience....it is hard work and not, in my opinion, a spectator sport.

Good luck!

nyki06 · February 2013

You are not being too harsh at all. The first time around I JUST wanted my husband and myself to be there. We also had a doula but that didn't seem like a personal person in the room.

This time around is our last time around and I don't really care either way about my mom being in the room but I know it would mean a lot to her (and would be helpful to my husband) so I told her that she could be. My mom would NEVER expect to be invited into such an intimate moment though.

mrsguffey · February 2013

mabenner1:
Your kid, your labor, your decision.

This exactly. It may sound harsh, but it isn't your mother's decision so she can stuff it up her wazoo.

ally2011 · February 2013

I have actually already sent a really nice email to our family (parents and siblings) to explain the plan - we will call them when I go into labor, and when she is born. We want at least 4 hours or so after she is born before having visitors...which means before they come to the hospital at all. It would stress me out to know that people were "waiting" on me in the waiting room and I would feel rushed to let them in. In that time I will be getting a shower and turning myself back into a human. I am just not interested in having a big group of people around me immediately post-birth and I really want to have that time as a family of 3. My parents are taking our dog to doggie daycare/boarding and his will manage the cat/mail (they live 1/4 mile a way) so that is the main reason we will call them when I go into labor.

We are extremely close to both of our families, so it is not about that. It is about wanting to have as smooth a labor/delivery as possible and have family time that we will never get back before others come in. Luckily, we have an amazing family who is very understanding and respectful.

Zippydoo · February 2013

My mom and sister has no desire to be in the delivery room and I don't want them in there either. Your mom needs to be understanding and let it be and not say another word.

BelhurstBride · February 2013

We did the same thing, just DH and I. My mom also flipped. She had a pretty traumatic experience with me and not only was her mom in a different state and couldn't be there but she ended up not being able to have anyone other than the medical staff with her.

We ended up conceding to letting her and my father there while I was laboring (but after the epi) and kicked them out for pushing. I told them it could be awhile after delivery before I was ready for them to come back in, but they were okay with that.

sometimesdee · February 2013

jfloor:
My husband and I decided to not have anyone in the delivery room. I recognize this may change when time comes, but for now this is what I am most comfortable with. I told my mom and she flipped out. It caused a huge argument. I think she is being unsupportive and making this all about her. She says I am clueless to hurting people's feelings. Any thoughts? What have others done? Am I being too harsh?

I think you hit the nail on the head. When it comes down to it, it's all about LO. If you have to deal with undue stress, it might make labor even more difficult than it already is! Stand your ground.

knitsandgiggles · February 2013

I don't think you're being unreasonable or harsh at all. DH was the only one with me in the delivery room and that is just the way we wanted it. It's a very personal time for you and your DH so you two get to decide who will be there.

meheron80 · February 2013

My mom was very upset the first time when we initially told her no. She explained to me that my SIL had her mom in there and she felt cheated out of something special as my mom. We eventually decided to have my mom there but under some rules. She was to be on one side of my head, H on the other. Once baby was here she was to stay with me while H went anywhere baby went. Mom was also in charge of the camera for after the baby arrived.

This arangement worked out great as I had 6 vacuums to get LO out with grade 3 tearing. LO had to go with the NICU team straight from H cutting the cord to the other side of the room. My mom stayed with me and H went with baby. After about 15 minutes and mom taking some pics of the baby with me, with H, and getting checked out she left for the lobby to tell the other family members waiting.

This time around my mom has actually requested not being in the room. She had a stroke 2 months after LO was born and feels that labor, esp if its as intense as before, might be to hard on her and her health. I have told H he can have a support person if he needs but I am good with just him. MIL WILL NEVER BE IN THERE but Step-Mom is allowed if H would like that.

kirbabe · February 2013

It's absolutely your choice who is in the room. With my son, I told my mom she wasn't allowed to be in the room during delivery. She took that to mean she wasn't allowed in the room at all, which totally hurt her feelings. Once I explained she could be there for laboring, but when it was time to push, she had to leave, she was happy.

Although, I didn't actually enjoy having her in the room while I was laboring, either. During a particularly strong contraction, she grabbed my hand abruptly (in her defense, I'm sure it was difficult to see me in pain, but she's not a calm and soothing person) and I pushed her away, literally! DH was the only person who could touch me during a contraction, he was so gentle and loving and quiet. I love my mother, but she is NOT any these things. . .well, she's loving. . .just in a louder sort of way.

Honestly, I wish nobody had come to the hospital until the day after my son was born. I had such a miserable L&D, after pushing for several hours, it ended with a c-section where the epidural wore off while they were putting my reproductive organs back in me, then they had a hard time finding a medicine that would work to numb the pain after that, I was beyond exhausted emotionally and physically, and not really all that happy to have a room full of people snapping pictures of me (I know this sounds vain, but I look so miserable in these pictures, it's not just that I don't think I look good). I had no idea that MIL, StepFIL, BIL and his gf, and gparentsIL along with my mother (my father was really sick and couldn't be there) were even in the waiting room, much less were going to all come into my room at the same time. It was overwhelming.

Stick to your guns!

Omgzombies · February 2013

Many hospitals right now have limits on who can be in attendance at birth because of flu season. If you really need an out, you can always tell her, that right now they're not letting anyone else in but the father, and then tell the nurses to keep her out. It's possible to do.

hugmonkey · February 2013

I don't think you're being too harsh at all. I have gone so far as to tell everyone that I will accept no visitors the day of the birth at all so that DH and I can have as calm a day as possible to bond with our LO. Visitors will be welcome the following day.

Who to have in the delivery room?

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