How to act/what to say
RibbitGrl930
member
Not sure how many of you have been on either side of this situation (and maybe I should ask on the Loss board), but thought I'd ask in case anyone can offer any advice.
My neighbor at work was 21 weeks pregnant and Thursday went into labor that could not be stopped. Last I heard, she gave birth to her baby girl, but I did not hear what the baby's condition was. I did some research and the chances are not great that she did or will survive. I'm praying quite a bit for the both of them at this time regardless.
What I need advice on is this: when she returns to work, what would be the best thing to do or say? I know I should probably avoid baby/pregnancy talk for awhile, but otherwise, what are some things that would be helpful or at least not hamrful? I was thinking something along the lines of a nice card that says she's in my thoughts and I'm there if she wants to talk (and obviously, just shut up and listen if/when she does want to talk) and then just leave it at that. Does that seem like enough? I know sometimes when you experience a great trauma, the worst thing is for people to constantly be pressing you about it, but I also want her to know that she's in my thoughts.
Re: How to act/what to say
We lost our baby girl in April at 26 weeks. Going back to work was a very anxious time for me. I did not want to have to talk about it unless I initiated the conversation. I would suggest sending her thoughts in an email or a card that she can read on her own time. I personally really hated the head tilt followed by the question "How are you doing?".
I asked a co-worker to send an email to the office before I came back as to what happened so people did not have the curiosity and need to ask me about it. SO that helped a lot.
I hope all the best for your friend/co-worker. You being pregnant could be a trigger for her, too. Just FYI. I had a hard time with babies that were the same age as our angel.
I lost my son at 20 weeks and after 2 weeks out I was MEGA stressed when I returned. I advised one of my good work friends to tell everyone to not mention it and pretend I was on vacation. So I returned to a lot of welcome back hugs and was told I was missed, but no one said how sorry they were or anything. I was very grateful for that.. There were no pity face or anything so it was a nice change from the crying on my couch.
I would say welcome back but not mention anything unless she brings it up.
I know that one of my co-workers lost her husband (which is different, but still as painful/traumatic), and she asked a friend to email us and tell us what she needed. In this case, it was to be told "glad you're back" rather than "how are you?" when she returned to work, and to carry on with things as normal, because she wanted her routine back.
When we found out about our LO's congenital heart defect, I was a mess. I took a lesson from her, though, and sent a message around to the staff (I work in a tight-knit Catholic school) explaining what was going on, and asking people for what I needed, which was prayers, not the be asked about it because I was liable to cry every time I thought about it, and not to be told stories about so-and-so's child who had X and everything turned out alright (because those stories were very hard for me to listen to). My co-workers were very good about respecting my wishes and letting me talk as I was ready. The nicest thing that people did for me was to send an email saying they were thinking of me and that LO was in their prayers.
I'd think a note/email expressing the fact that you are thinking of her and ready to listen if she ever needs it would go a long way. And of course, not waxing prolific about how great it is to be pregnant/how excited you are/etc. when she is around.
Good luck.
I think I'll go with the suggestion of not saying anything directly to her, but instead leaving her a nice note saying I'm thinking about her and I'm available if she needs anything, then leaving the ball in her court to acknowledge it (or not acknowledge it) as she sees fit.
Thanks!