NTTGP: My husband fights dirty

penelopemaria · January 2013

Sorry everyone, this is more of a vent than anything else. I don't really know what to do anymore.

My husband is (generally) a great guy. He does a lot for me, he's kind and he works hard. But he flies off the handle at almost nothing.

When we disagree or I do something wrong he absolutely goes ballistic.

Tonight he placed a pot (closed) with pasta in the sink. I washed my hands over the closed pot because I didn't think anything was in there, and he went flucking nuts. He said I'm stupid, lazy and he's "sick of always cleaning up my messes." I'm not exaggerating... nothing else set him off. We were having a lovely dinner until I washed my hands over the closed pot.

I calmly told him he's overreacting, and he said, "fluck off. go do nothing like you always do."

Last week I casually said I didn't like the color of our bedroom, and he again he LOST it on me. Calling me names, and freaking out thinking I was going to spend money to fix it. I think his exact words were, "flucking move out them.. fluck you."

His meltdowns always result in me just walking away and not engaging with him, but it really hurts. He eventually comes and finds me 30 minutes later, apologizes and swears he won't do it again... but he does.

I don't know what to do anymore. How do you know when enough is enough? Is this abuse or is this just a bad side of him?

ETA: grammar

BankerBSN · January 2013

Does he hit you?

FSUNole31 · January 2013

That is a problem. Nobody (especially your husband) should ever be talking to you like that. I hope you find a solution very soon. Good luck.

penelopemaria · January 2013

Banker&BSN:
Does he hit you?

Never

PugMum · January 2013

That's abuse I'd be talking to a therapist and figuring out your options. Trying to get him help should be your number one priority.

CayleighDawn · January 2013

Slapptastic:
That's verbal abuse.
You shouldn't be yelled at like that.

This. There is absolutely no excuse for him speaking to you like this, no matter what he's like when he isn't ticked off. Not cool at all.

BankerBSN · January 2013

penelopemaria:
Banker&BSN:
Does he hit you?
Never

I would look into counseling ASAP. This is verbal and emotional abuse and there is NEVER a time when this is okay.

spacepotatoes · January 2013

That sounds like a really frustrating, uncomfortable environment to live in. What he is doing is a form of abuse and it should not be happening. No one has the right to treat you that way and you shouldn't have to live like that.

PugMum · January 2013

I forgot to add; I really hope you are not TTC with him.. Probably not a good idea until he gets help.

CayleighDawn · January 2013

PugMum:
That's abuse I'd be talking to a therapist and figuring out your options. Trying to get him help should be your number one priority.

I disagree. Take care of yourself first, and make sure you are safe before you start worrying about him.

KerCo51 · January 2013

As others have said, you need to get him into counseling and counseling together. When he is calm, you need to tell him that what he is doing is very wrong and he needs to fix things so he will never do it again.

mammersoh · January 2013

If he's acting like that over you stating an opinion on the color of your bedroom, I would hate to think how he might react to a child actually doing annoying kid things. I would see a therapist with him, make sure he is following through for a considerable amount of time, have a set amount of time to wait and see if he regresses and then think about bringing kids into the mix. Wish you luck, that must be stressful to deal with.

spacepotatoes · January 2013

CayleighDawn:
PugMum:
That's abuse I'd be talking to a therapist and figuring out your options. Trying to get him help should be your number one priority.

I disagree. Take care of yourself first, and make sure you are safe before you start worrying about him.

Absolutely.

bumpuser1282882 · January 2013

anamouse:
It sounds like he's verbally abusive (one sign is that he keeps promising it won't happen again). I agree you don't deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

This.

gamergirl522 · January 2013

All these ladies had great things to say. Definitely look into counseling, both solo and as a couple. I wish you the best of luck.

amricangrl1 · January 2013

PhilaPhan:
If he's acting like that over you stating an opinion on the color of your bedroom, I would hate to think how he might react to a child actually doing annoying kid things. I would see a therapist with him, make sure he is following through for a considerable amount of time, have a set amount of time to wait and see if he regresses and then think about bringing kids into the mix. Wish you luck, that must be stressful to deal with.

This.

pantherRN · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
It's abuse and he will do it to any and all children you have. Still think having a child with him is a good idea?
Get out. If he is willing to do therapy for both himself and for you two as a couple, you can consider going back. Otherwise run. It will escalate.

I agree with GM.

Emerald27 · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
It's abuse and he will do it to any and all children you have. Still think having a child with him is a good idea? Get out. If he is willing to do therapy for both himself and for you two as a couple, you can consider going back. Otherwise run. It will escalate. nbsp;

This! My father was emotionally abusive, and this sounds exactly like what he would do to my mother...in front of me! He needs help, or he may yell at your children too. Protect yourself, and your future children!

scbedi · January 2013

that is definitely verbal and emotional abuse. I'm glad he doesn't hit you but it's serious nonetheless. I am so sorry you are going through that, no one should and you don't have to. I just get a bad feeling while reading your post....He may not be physically abusive now but things do tend to escalate. I'm so sorry and please be safe.

Twinkie0612 · January 2013

Slapptastic:
That's verbal abuse.
You shouldn't be yelled at like that.

This.

OP, your husband needs help. I went through a very similar situation in my marriage. My husband would fly off the handle at the smallest thing. I would get screamed at, sweared at, and called names. A little while after the fight he would appologize, tell me he wouldn't do it again, and admit that he has anger issues and promise that he would get help. We would be ok for awhile and then the cycle would repeat. It got to the point that I was constantly worried that I would set him off.

Eventually I hit my breaking point. After one fight, he threatened to leave and instead of begging him to stay, I let him go. I told him that I couldn't live like that anymore and he had to get help for his anger. I think when Iet him go, it was his wake up call. He ended up coming back and he made an appointment with a therapist. It turns out that he was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and he was prescribed antidepressants. On the medication he is a changed person. We also did some couples counseling as well. It really helped us learn how to communicate better. It also really helped DH to learn that every disagreement is not the end of the world.

I would recommend counseling for the both of you. If he refuses, go to counseling by yourself.

CMSullivan326 · January 2013

Yes, that is definitely verbal and emotional abuse.

Has he always been this way? Is he having outbursts more often? Is it just toward you?

My dad was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. This isn't something to mess with. I agree with GM. It will get worse. Trust me. I would leave and I wouldn't go back until he gets some help. And if you're TTC with him, STOP.

GL with everything.

ayamw · January 2013

These ladies covered it all but I want to add good luck, keep YOUR best interest in mind and stay safe!

Tamma254 · January 2013

I don't usually put this out there, but my oldest son's father was abusive towards me. It started out exactly how you described YH, but it escalated. He slapped me around, grabbed me by my arms and held me backwards over our back balcony. The day I finally opened my eyes, he had his hands wrapped around my neck until I saw black spots. To this day, I still have no clue how I got away from him when he was doing that.

Please, talk to a relative and get out of the house until you can go to counseling. Stay safe!

LollipopsAndCrisps · January 2013

I left my husband in September because of exactly this type of behavior and have never been happier. Feel free to PM me at any time if you'd like to talk.

jeffsjayme · January 2013

I always think it is weird when people tell a story and ask for marriage advice as serious as "Should I leave him?".

We don't know you.

We don't know what really happened.

See a counselor because if you leave him because a bunch of internet strangers tell you to, that's a pretty flimsy reason. Strangers are good at suggesting restrurants for anniversaries or gifts for baby showers. Not "divorce or no divorce".

It's not that I think you're lying - it's that we should have no part in the decision on what you should do with your marriage.

penelopemaria · January 2013

Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate it. I told my mom once and her reply was something along the lines of, "Well, no one is perfect. Me and your dad had major fights back in the day, and now we're really happy."

What's just really scary is how I can't trust him with my feelings. I mean I am bawling my eyes out of the bed, asking him how we can talk to me like that, and he just leaves to go out with his friends. When I asked him why he speaks to me like that, he says, "you never listen..."

I don't know what to do, so I think personal counselling is a #1 priority.

Thank you again everyone. It means a lot to me.

And BTW - no, we aren't TTCing... Off-topic slightly, but the thought of having a daughter and some prick talking to her like this one day makes me feel sick.

sunlavender · January 2013

shecodes:
This is verbal abuse IMHO. Only you can decide when enough is enough, but I would encourage you to go to a counselor asap. See if he will go with you, but if he won't go without him. Whatever you do, don't ignore it.
Please be careful too... sometimes the angry outburts can graduate to something more.

I agree.

Sto71 · January 2013

That is verbal abuse from him. How long have you been married and did he do this before you did get married? Talking to your spouse like that is uncalled for. And if youre TTC and he does this with you how will he handle your child if they do something wrong?

krdesi · January 2013

This is definitely sounding like verbal abuse. It is up to you when enough is enough, but maybe you can find someone to mediate a discussion about why he has these angry episodes.

Does he drink or anything like that?

LadyXaverian · January 2013

jefa621:
penelopemaria:
Banker&BSN:
Does he hit you?
Never
Until he does. OP I watched a very good friend go through this and I know how hard it is. But you need to get out of there before you end up sitting with a friend in the ER because he broke your hand, and then going to the courthouse for a restraining order. It was hard enough being with my friend watching her go through this, let alone be in her shoes. Get out and get help. Please.

Same. A close friend and my sister both went through this. You can be sure, it will get worse.

I hope he'll agree to counseling, but if he doesn't, run and don't look back.

blinnea23 · January 2013

penelopemaria:
Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate it. I told my mom once and her reply was something along the lines of, "Well, no one is perfect. Me and your dad had major fights back in the day, and now we're really happy."
What's just really scary is how I can't trust him with my feelings. I mean I am bawling my eyes out of the bed, asking him how we can talk to me like that, and he just leaves to go out with his friends. When I asked him why he speaks to me like that, he says, "you never listen..."
I don't know what to do, so I think personal counselling is a #1 priority.
Thank you again everyone. It means a lot to me.
And BTW - no, we aren't TTCing... Off-topic slightly, but the thought of having a daughter and some prick talking to her like this one day makes me feel sick.

these ladies have good advice. There was a similar situation in my family and it wasn't until she took a took a step back ( left for awhile) that they could figure things out . Maybe life without you will jump start him seeing the need to change.

angelchild24 · January 2013

PhilaPhan:
If he's acting like that over you stating an opinion on the color of your bedroom, I would hate to think how he might react to a child actually doing annoying kid things. I would see a therapist with him, make sure he is following through for a considerable amount of time, have a set amount of time to wait and see if he regresses and then think about bringing kids into the mix. Wish you luck, that must be stressful to deal with.

This.

OP, I really hope you are able to get some help for both of you. Also, like others said only you know when enough is enough. Abuse of any form is NEVER ok, please take care of yourself!

artistlife · January 2013

My dh gets mad at stupid stuff like that, too. However, he has NEVER called me names, yelled and screamed, or hit me.
When he gets mad like that he will either step outside and calm down or he will be silent until he has his emotions under control. Then when DS goes to bed he will calmly approach me about it.
He has said a quick fluck, or son of a b, but never directed at me.
What my dh does is healthy, what your dh does is not.
My DH had to learn what he does through anger management when he was a teenager. It might be time for you and your DH to look into that.
I hope every thing works out for you.

Terrapantz · January 2013

That's absolutely verbal abuse! You shouldn't have to worry about being yelled at for stupid little things.

Shortie24 · January 2013

ayamw:
These ladies covered it all but I want to add good luck, keep YOUR best interest in mind and stay safe!

This. Good luck and I would definitely put TTC on hold for a bit

raeyn · January 2013

penelopemaria:
Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate it. I told my mom once and her reply was something along the lines of, "Well, no one is perfect. Me and your dad had major fights back in the day, and now we're really happy."

I think that a lot of times parents are not the best people to go to for this sort of advice.

When I had my first job when I was 18, I was being sexually harassed/assaulted by my douchebag boss. It started so gradually that I wasn't sure if it was my fault for not stopping things sooner. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but subconsciously I probably downplayed how serious it was because I was embarrassed. I'm pretty sure they thought I was exaggerating how serious it was. My father's response was to tell me that I needed this job and I shouldn't have let it get so far.

Your mom doesn't know what's going on inside your relationship. Even if you describe it to her in detail, she still won't necessarily fully understand it. Please get some help. This kind of problem doesn't generally just go away with time.

Princess_Lily · January 2013

Has he always been this way? If this is out of character for his everyday behavior then I would think that something is weighing heavy on his mind. Have you tried to talk about what's bothering him?

If this is his behavior every.single.day since you've known him, I would tell him that you refuse to tolerate that crap. Either he learns to cope with life in a mature manner or you leave him. You draw a line in the sand of what you will tolerate and what you will not.

ncase2 · January 2013

pantherRN:
GhostMonkey:
It's abuse and he will do it to any and all children you have. Still think having a child with him is a good idea?
Get out. If he is willing to do therapy for both himself and for you two as a couple, you can consider going back. Otherwise run. It will escalate.

I agree with GM.

Lots and Lots of This ^^^. Just stop and imagine yourself with an infant in this environment - no sleep, lots of crying and stress. If he snaps about the bedroom color, you can be sure he'll snap under that kind of pressure. Counseling is a great tool - just be sure to research where you go. You'll want to find someone you can both feel comfortable with, and one that has a good reputation.

insertclevername · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
It's abuse and he will do it to any and all children you have. Still think having a child with him is a good idea?
Get out. If he is willing to do therapy for both himself and for you two as a couple, you can consider going back. Otherwise run. It will escalate.

Absolutely all of this.

mabjcb19 · January 2013

Please get help, this is not normal or healthy! Good luck! ::::hugs::::

JuliaEL · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
It's abuse and he will do it to any and all children you have. Still think having a child with him is a good idea?
Get out. If he is willing to do therapy for both himself and for you two as a couple, you can consider going back. Otherwise run. It will escalate.

This. OP, I left my first husband because his verbal abuse eventually escalated into physical abuse. I know you may be thinking to yourself that "it's not that bad" but this type of volatility is always dangerous. My PM box is open to you if you need someone to talk to.

NTTGP: My husband fights dirty

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