Sorry everyone, this is more of a vent than anything else. I don't really know what to do anymore.
My husband is (generally) a great guy. He does a lot for me, he's kind and he works hard. But he flies off the handle at almost nothing.
When we disagree or I do something wrong he absolutely goes ballistic.
Tonight he placed a pot (closed) with pasta in the sink. I washed my hands over the closed pot because I didn't think anything was in there, and he went flucking nuts. He said I'm stupid, lazy and he's "sick of always cleaning up my messes." I'm not exaggerating... nothing else set him off. We were having a lovely dinner until I washed my hands over the closed pot.
I calmly told him he's overreacting, and he said, "fluck off. go do nothing like you always do."
Last week I casually said I didn't like the color of our bedroom, and he again he LOST it on me. Calling me names, and freaking out thinking I was going to spend money to fix it. I think his exact words were, "flucking move out them.. fluck you."
His meltdowns always result in me just walking away and not engaging with him, but it really hurts. He eventually comes and finds me 30 minutes later, apologizes and swears he won't do it again... but he does.
I don't know what to do anymore. How do you know when enough is enough? Is this abuse or is this just a bad side of him?
ETA: grammar
Re: NTTGP: My husband fights dirty
Does he hit you?
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This. There is absolutely no excuse for him speaking to you like this, no matter what he's like when he isn't ticked off. Not cool at all.
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I would look into counseling ASAP. This is verbal and emotional abuse and there is NEVER a time when this is okay.
Married 11/21/2018
Me: 33 / DH: 33
TTC #1 since 2012, finally successful in 2016
BFP 11/29/2013 - EDD 8/9/2014 - MMC 12/31/2013 8 weeks 2 days - Tried to MC naturally for 4 weeks, D&C 2/2/2014
IUI 01/25/2016 - BFP 2/5/2016 - Natural Home Delivery to our DD 10/8/2016
IUD removed 10/3/2018
Ready to TTC for #2
I disagree. Take care of yourself first, and make sure you are safe before you start worrying about him.
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Absolutely.
This.
This.
I agree with GM.
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This! My father was emotionally abusive, and this sounds exactly like what he would do to my mother...in front of me! He needs help, or he may yell at your children too. Protect yourself, and your future children!
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This.
OP, your husband needs help. I went through a very similar situation in my marriage. My husband would fly off the handle at the smallest thing. I would get screamed at, sweared at, and called names. A little while after the fight he would appologize, tell me he wouldn't do it again, and admit that he has anger issues and promise that he would get help. We would be ok for awhile and then the cycle would repeat. It got to the point that I was constantly worried that I would set him off.
Eventually I hit my breaking point. After one fight, he threatened to leave and instead of begging him to stay, I let him go. I told him that I couldn't live like that anymore and he had to get help for his anger. I think when Iet him go, it was his wake up call. He ended up coming back and he made an appointment with a therapist. It turns out that he was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and he was prescribed antidepressants. On the medication he is a changed person. We also did some couples counseling as well. It really helped us learn how to communicate better. It also really helped DH to learn that every disagreement is not the end of the world.
I would recommend counseling for the both of you. If he refuses, go to counseling by yourself.
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Has he always been this way? Is he having outbursts more often? Is it just toward you?
My dad was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. This isn't something to mess with. I agree with GM. It will get worse. Trust me. I would leave and I wouldn't go back until he gets some help. And if you're TTC with him, STOP.
GL with everything.
I don't usually put this out there, but my oldest son's father was abusive towards me. It started out exactly how you described YH, but it escalated. He slapped me around, grabbed me by my arms and held me backwards over our back balcony. The day I finally opened my eyes, he had his hands wrapped around my neck until I saw black spots. To this day, I still have no clue how I got away from him when he was doing that.
Please, talk to a relative and get out of the house until you can go to counseling. Stay safe!
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I always think it is weird when people tell a story and ask for marriage advice as serious as "Should I leave him?".
We don't know you.
We don't know what really happened.
See a counselor because if you leave him because a bunch of internet strangers tell you to, that's a pretty flimsy reason. Strangers are good at suggesting restrurants for anniversaries or gifts for baby showers. Not "divorce or no divorce".
It's not that I think you're lying - it's that we should have no part in the decision on what you should do with your marriage.
Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate it. I told my mom once and her reply was something along the lines of, "Well, no one is perfect. Me and your dad had major fights back in the day, and now we're really happy."
What's just really scary is how I can't trust him with my feelings. I mean I am bawling my eyes out of the bed, asking him how we can talk to me like that, and he just leaves to go out with his friends. When I asked him why he speaks to me like that, he says, "you never listen..."
I don't know what to do, so I think personal counselling is a #1 priority.
Thank you again everyone. It means a lot to me.
And BTW - no, we aren't TTCing... Off-topic slightly, but the thought of having a daughter and some prick talking to her like this one day makes me feel sick.
I agree.
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This is definitely sounding like verbal abuse. It is up to you when enough is enough, but maybe you can find someone to mediate a discussion about why he has these angry episodes.
Does he drink or anything like that?
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Same. A close friend and my sister both went through this. You can be sure, it will get worse.
I hope he'll agree to counseling, but if he doesn't, run and don't look back.
these ladies have good advice. There was a similar situation in my family and it wasn't until she took a took a step back ( left for awhile) that they could figure things out . Maybe life without you will jump start him seeing the need to change.
This.
OP, I really hope you are able to get some help for both of you. Also, like others said only you know when enough is enough. Abuse of any form is NEVER ok, please take care of yourself!
When he gets mad like that he will either step outside and calm down or he will be silent until he has his emotions under control. Then when DS goes to bed he will calmly approach me about it.
He has said a quick fluck, or son of a b, but never directed at me.
What my dh does is healthy, what your dh does is not.
My DH had to learn what he does through anger management when he was a teenager. It might be time for you and your DH to look into that.
I hope every thing works out for you.
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This. Good luck and I would definitely put TTC on hold for a bit
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I think that a lot of times parents are not the best people to go to for this sort of advice.
When I had my first job when I was 18, I was being sexually harassed/assaulted by my douchebag boss. It started so gradually that I wasn't sure if it was my fault for not stopping things sooner. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but subconsciously I probably downplayed how serious it was because I was embarrassed. I'm pretty sure they thought I was exaggerating how serious it was. My father's response was to tell me that I needed this job and I shouldn't have let it get so far.
Your mom doesn't know what's going on inside your relationship. Even if you describe it to her in detail, she still won't necessarily fully understand it. Please get some help. This kind of problem doesn't generally just go away with time.
Has he always been this way? If this is out of character for his everyday behavior then I would think that something is weighing heavy on his mind. Have you tried to talk about what's bothering him?
If this is his behavior every.single.day since you've known him, I would tell him that you refuse to tolerate that crap. Either he learns to cope with life in a mature manner or you leave him. You draw a line in the sand of what you will tolerate and what you will not.
Lots and Lots of This ^^^. Just stop and imagine yourself with an infant in this environment - no sleep, lots of crying and stress. If he snaps about the bedroom color, you can be sure he'll snap under that kind of pressure. Counseling is a great tool - just be sure to research where you go. You'll want to find someone you can both feel comfortable with, and one that has a good reputation.
Absolutely all of this.
Please get help, this is not normal or healthy! Good luck! ::::hugs::::
This. OP, I left my first husband because his verbal abuse eventually escalated into physical abuse. I know you may be thinking to yourself that "it's not that bad" but this type of volatility is always dangerous. My PM box is open to you if you need someone to talk to.