Just having a hard day (kitchen sink breakdown) (DS mentioned)
anitaflora
member
We all have them and today was mine.
I was arguing with DH about managing our finances. Not so much the fact that we're strapped, but just the management side of it all.
And I just had this overwhelming breakdown. I just started crying my eyes out, ugly, sobbing, heaving crying. Because I started thinking maybe God is just trying to tell me, no, you shouldn't have another child. No, I don't want you to have another child. That's not "the plan." And I guess I was crying because first of all I was trying to just really come to grips with that and trying to figure out if that was what I felt like was true or not...
And then just feeling so HORRIBLY conflicted about it all.... how am I supposed to know the plan!??! I don't know the plan!!! I can't just "wing it" or see signs about this. I am trying to look for signs or some guidance or something in my life that will give me an answer about whether or not we should be continuing to try or not. And the answers are just not there.
I feel like in my gut, no, maybe this is just part of the journey. But I am at a complete loss - I really, really don't know. And I usually have SOME instinct about something or not. I mean I don't think I've ever NOT had ANY instinct or feeling about it one way or another. I feel like I envision our family with one more child. I ALWAYS have felt that way. But now I just don't know if I'm feeling that way because it's what I want and I'm being selfish and that's not what the plan is, or if really that is the plan and this is all just part of the journey.
I know that a lot of this came from the dream my BFF had. I am closer to her than anyone other than DH. I'm really as close to her as I am to DH. Of course, that's not including DS, which is just a whole other level.
She had a dream, she said it was really, really vivid, that we were both just sitting together holding hands and reciting the serenity prayer.
And every since I read her email about it I've been just repeating it and repeating it to myself. God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
And I just don't know. I don't know where this falls. I don't know if I really am just being blinded by my own desire to have another child or if it's just something I need to go through before we have a sibling for DS.
And I thought about the double rainbow I saw in the sky a while ago (some of you might remember I posted about that) - and that I felt like it was a good sign to me. But again, I don't know if I'm just seeing something I want to see or not.
I also have a really, really hard time with this dream that I had.
The night before I got my first BFP while TTC #2 in Feb 2012, I had a really vivid dream with my grandmother in it. She passed away quite a while ago. And in it she was holding my face in her hands and looking at me and said, "Oh dear heart, if it were up to me you would have TEN more babies!" And I remember in the dream I was like, oh, that's so sweet grandma, but really I just want one more. But I've always felt like, since that first loss, that was some sort of message to me that I'm not supposed to have any more. Is that crazy?!?!! And I can't let go of that even though I don't feel like it's necessarily true - but it keeps nagging in my mind. Why did I have that dream!??!
Anyway, it's just been a really, really hard day today. I have been either crying or on the verge of tears all day every time the thought comes into my head that we really may not ever be so blessed again as to have another baby. I just cannot get through that thought without - see here I go again - starting to sob.
Okay, well, thanks for reading if you made it through all that.
Here's something yummy....chocolate lava cake with a strawberry...
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
</dream 2>
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***All always welcome!!***
Re: Just having a hard day (kitchen sink breakdown) (DS mentioned)
BFP #1, 3/12, EDD 11/9/12, MMC 3/27/12, D&C 4/10/12
BFP #2: 11/16/12, EDD 7/25/13, MMC 12/5/12, D&C 12/6/12, Complete molar pregnancy confirmed 2/9/13, benched for 6 months until August 2013
IUI #1, 8/16/13 Femara + Menopur, 3 mature follicles, BFN
IUI #3, 10/8/13 Femara + Menopur, six mature follicles, BFN
BFP #3, 12/9/2013, while on treatment break, EDD: 8/22/2014 Please stick and grow, LO!
Additional Dx: hypothyroidism, TgAb positive & anti-TPO positive, POR/DOR (2/2013), and suspected endometriosis
******All AL always welcome******
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**BFP#1 9/5/12 EDD 5/15/13 changed to 5/25/13 after u/s, missed mc 10/19/12. D and C 10/22/12**
BFP 4 10/28/19 EDD 7/6/20
Married my very own GI Joe May 2002
Married my very own GI Joe May 2002
TTC Since 8/2011
BFP #1 5/13/12 * EDD 1/24/13 * MC at 7 wks 4 days on 6/11/12
BFP #2 5/13/13 * Current EDD 1/23/14
Baby N born 2/8/14
"there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
BFP #2 2.27.13 EDD 11.8.13 Grow, baby, grow!
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~ all ALers welcome ~
I'm sorry you are having a tough time, anita. Dealing with all of this is torturous psychologically, and messes with our world view and our sense of self. It goes so deep.
My perspective, in case any of it would be helpful to you: I don't know if anybody out there has a plan for me, or what it might be... but I do know what my plan for me is. And I know what DH's plan for us is. And we have a lot of tools to help us reach our goals. I may not ultimately have control over the end result, but there is a lot I can control. And I take every bit of control I can. Because I'm a type A control freak.
The question that DH and I are constantly asking ourselves and each other is, What can we or will we do to have a baby. Will we be able to handle another loss and take that risk? Will we risk 5 more? Will we be able to spend $X on more IUIs, or IVF, or surrogacy, or adoption, etc. When will we move on to a new option? How far will we choose to go?
It's a tough thing to think about and to talk about. Scary stuff. But it helps us to make our own plan, and take control over what we can. So that's what we choose to focus on. Life can play dirty dirty tricks on us, but that doesn't mean we're not allowed to fight back!
I hope any of this was at least slightly helpful... if not, here's an entertaining PIP so at least maybe I can make you smile and not be totally useless:
I hope you are feeling better soon, anita. (((HUGS)))
TTC since March 2010 ~ Dx Unexplained IF September 2011
2011: IUI + Clomid = CP#1
2012: 3 more IUIs + Clomid = 3 more CPs. One on-our-own pg, also CP
2013: BTB IUI + Lupron/Follistim/Prometrium/PIO = CP #6
IF testing, RPL testing, Autoimmune testing = all normal
So lost.
Oh honey (((Hugs)))) it is so hard when you want this so bad and you cannot make it happen.
Your post made me think of something a friend once posted: "if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". She had certain things in her life mapped out and pretty much had to toss that map out of the window.
There are things we cannot control no matter what we do and, for me, it has been so hard to find peace and acceptance of those things. There are also things you can control. You are working with your RE and your OB. You are doing everything to optimize your chances.
As far as your dreams - you friend's dream may just be that she recognized the struggle you are going through right now and not that you have to give up on your dream. Your dream of your grandma may only have been to let you know that it was not going to be easy.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
I'm not overly religious, but I definitely 'get' questioning if this m/c was for a reason and if we'll be blessed with a second child in our home.
Since you seem to be religious, I'll share with you a saying that popped into my head as I read your post: Let go & Let God.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
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~All AL'ers welcome~
BFP: 2/4/13 EDD: 10/11/13
Patiently waiting for Buggirl to join me!!
Beta #1 11dpo:89 Progesterone:38.9 Beta #2 18dpo:1940
HB seen at 6w HB 8w 5d 176bpm! Its a BOY!
grow rainbow grow!!!!
All Always Welcome!!
9/13/12 BFP 9/25/12 M/C at 6.5 weeks
***All AL'ers Welcome***
BFP #2: 8/31/12 EDD: 5/18/13 Chemical pregnancy: 9/4/12
BFP #3: 5/17/13 EDD: 1/24/14 Loss at 5 weeks: 5/29/13
Lots of testing, all clear with the exception of compound heterozygous for the MTHFR mutation.
Cycle 1: Femara, trigger shot, Bravelle added due to slow response = BFN
Cycle 2: Cancelled due to two cysts =(
Cycle 3: Femara, Bravelle, trigger shot and IUI = BFP then loss #3
Cycle 4: Femara, Follistim, trigger shot and IUI = BFP! EDD: 6/7/14
PGAL/PAL welcome
I don't mean to sound all melodramatic or like so gushing it doesn't come across as genuine as it really is ... but I am seriously overwhelmed by the support you ladies have given me today.
I don't even really know where to start other than to just say a big, huge thank you. I read and reread and I will again reread everything that everyone has written to me and it just made me feel SO much better.
After reading everything I feel like, nope, you don't know Anita. And I feel like I just have to be okay and some how at peace with the fact that I don't know the answer. It's all trust and faith. And you ladies have SO MUCH reminded me of that.
I am SO, so lucky to have gotten to know you ladies. I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd probably still be a sobbing mess except sprawled out on the kitchen floor with a semi-damp dishcloth still half clinging to my hand and a sink full of dirty dishes half done because I collapsed mid-washing. Or something similar!
Or just so withdrawn and depressed and crying I wouldn't even be able to function today.
So - how do I thank you for that? Seriously? I don't know how. There aren't words enough to say how grateful I am for each of you taking time to wrte the tings you did. Even if it was just offering hugs - I guess it's kinda silly but I felt them across the miles and it truly helped lift me up today.
These are the words, in kind of collage - stream of consciousness format - that, all together, stood out to me the very most, that I will take away the most I think...
kryan - Sometimes our thoughts are our worst enemies [stop overthinking everything!]...
kklamb - In some situations God doesn't give us clear direction but instead allows us to make a choice. Sure He know what that choice will be but it's part of our free will. [God doesn't usually just hand us things after all, does He? He gives us the opportunity to get what we need etc. but it's usually up to us to actually do the thing that will get us what it is we want/need]
mamato3boys - Don't pressure yourself to have all the answers. They may not be there for you to find, they may just come some other time wayyy down the line and not by any of your doing in finding them. Junebug - Let Go & Let God. [Let go of trying to control things and let go of the pressure part].
snegde - "Our life's dance is not painted for us with footsteps on the floor. It's not laid out so we know where to place our next step. We simply have to judge which steps best fit the rhythms that we hear." Paul Marshall. We so often want it all laid out, but life isn't like that instead we need faith just to take that next step. Try to find just a tiny bit of faith, it will be enough. [LOVE all of this!!]
JennOH85 - Let yourself cry it out when you need to.
RedPhoenix625 - Thank you for reminding me - DO take control of the things that I can. This is the courage to change the things I can part of the serenity prayer to me. Don't sit back and think things will just make themselves known to me - take control of the things that I can - for me I think these things in themselves are things that have been put in my life on purpose for me to do. Kind of like the above part about just having to judge where we want to take the next step and just taking it and being okay with that.
Oh, and LOVE THE KITTEHS!! Sooo cute and totally put a smile on my face
buggirl72 - "There are things we cannot control no matter what we do and, for me, it has been so hard to find peace and acceptance of those things. There are also things you can control. You are working with your RE and your OB. You are doing everything to optimize your chances.
As far as your dreams - you friend's dream may just be that she recognized the struggle you are going through right now and not that you have to give up on your dream. Your dream of your grandma may only have been to let you know that it was not going to be easy. "
[All of this was so important to me. Thank you buggirl
You're right about the dreams and not to assume I know that they meant a certain thing or anything at all and not to put too much weight into assumptions about what I think they mean etc.
Diapers & Wipes - I try to maintain a grateful attitude and remember that he will not fail me, he will not let me struggle in vain. [YES! Thank you for reminding me of this!!! I do believe he will not fail me and will not let me struggle in vain. I needed to remember this.]
Rosie - Do you have someone like that who you can talk to? [I hadn't thought of this and I should look for someone. I am not connected to a church at all. I feel pretty deeply spiritual but honestly I can't stand most aspects of organized religion so I don't have anyone like this - but I would like to seek someone out. I hadn't thought of this. Thank you Rosie!!]
And to everyone I didn't mention specifically - again, I just thank you SO so much for your kind words and thoughts and taking time to reply. I am sending you all tons of hugs of thanks....
Oh and maybe a little Josh Holloway and drinks!
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
</dream 2>
resolve.org
lyrics
***All always welcome!!***
These are like my three favorite things in the whole entire world. DH knows that if I met Josh Holloway on the street, I would run away with him in a heartbeat
Droool....
And ((((HUGS))))
TTC since March 2010 ~ Dx Unexplained IF September 2011
2011: IUI + Clomid = CP#1
2012: 3 more IUIs + Clomid = 3 more CPs. One on-our-own pg, also CP
2013: BTB IUI + Lupron/Follistim/Prometrium/PIO = CP #6
IF testing, RPL testing, Autoimmune testing = all normal
So lost.
My Ovulation Chart