December 2012 Moms
Never forgive myself
My son is a little over a week old, and I have already dropped him. I feel like a horrible mother, I have been a mess all day. I am so worried that I may have damaged my perfect little baby. Last night I was a total zombie (I am exhausted!) I didnt even realize that my husband was holding our son, I kept asking where he was and he was being held right next to me. Then, I woke up to him crying so I tried to grab him out of his bassinet, and the next thing I know he is on the floor!! luckily, he did stop crying and then proceeded to breastfeed. On top of that, I fell asleep with him on my chest, and I woke up to him screaming in the bed next to me!!! I don't know if he had rolled off or what but he was covered in the blankets. All of this happened while my husband was sleeping because he doesnt get up to help me at all! I put him back in his bassinet and proceeded to bawl my eyes out!!! I feel like the worst mom on this planet. I know we all make mistakes, but I can't help but feel that I am unfit to parent after this episode. If I am a zombie after 1 week of not sleeping how will I be a month from now. My heart hurts, and I know he is fine- but I am definitely beating myself up:(
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Re: Never forgive myself
First of all, your baby will be fine. I promise. Unless you notice any differences in behavior, his eyes change in any way, or his head feels tighter/bigger (swelling), he will be fine. Promise.
I want to ask this just because I wish someone would have talked to me about it, but... how are you feeling on a day to day basis emotionally? It sounds like you are having a lot of anxiety. It's normal to have some, but the panic-y feeling can be PPA- post pardum anxiety. Looking back on it, I KNOW I had PPA with LO1. I thought it was "normal" to wake up anxious and feel panicked about LO. It's not. I'm not trying to diagnose, I just want you to reach out to your doc if you feel like it's needed. Fwiw, I have been feeling much better this time around, which only makes me wish more that I had spoken to my doc last time. GL
As for your husband, I would definitely talk to him about your feelings and in the meantime find some other help. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your sanity because he's a little lazy.
BFP#1 on 02/14/09 BIRTH to Mason 6lb9oz on 10/12/09
BFP#2 on 5/28/11 EDD 2/1/12 Natural M/C on 6/13/11
BFP#3 on 1/20/12 EDD 9/30/12 Natural m/c on 1/27/12
BFP#4 on 4/23/12 BIRTH to Isabella 7lb1oz on 12/19/12
Its so hard to have to function and take care of yourself plus another person when youre so exhausted. The other night I had her in the swing and when I woke up she was in the pnp. I have no idea how she got there. It scared me because if I was that tired that I dont remember her waking up, I assume I fed her and put her in the pnp too, I could have easily fallen asleep with her in the bed or something.
I got this https://www.busymomboutique.com/nursing-breastfeeding-night-light.html and it does give me some peace of mind. You can set it for 5,10,15 or 20 minutes and it vibrates after that time in case you fall asleep.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Just be glad that he is fine now and make adjustments so you have help. Babies are very tough although they seem fragile. As far as a head injury, you want to look for immediate swelling, if they lose conciousness, or have vomiting. My 7 week old flipped over in his bouncy from a foot or two up, my Ds#2 fell down the steps at several months old when the baby gate was left open (he was fine) and Ds #1 flipped out of his stroller headfirst at Target when he was between 7-9 mo old. I had no idea he was that mobile at that age. Stuff happens - even to 2nd and 3rd time moms.
What is very important is that you sound like you need a break, or someone to help you out so you can sleep a bit. I elbow or nudge Dh if he sleeps though a cry and I need help or a break. I make sure he wakes up. He helps tons, but sleeps hard sometimes. The biggest thing is to keep the baby out of your bed if you are that exhausted. Can you put a pack n play right next to you? Or feed LO out of your bed so you don't fall asleep with him on you ? It is better for you to lay the baby down in their crib and let them cry then for you to be so tired you fall asleep with him in your bed. I am so sorry. Just give it another week or two and then hopefully the baby will go in longer stretches for you to get some rest. It will get better.