NPR: bachlorette party attendees question

cynthia2007 · December 2012

So...one of my besties is getting married in June. Her two sisters suck at planning/coordinating etc so they arent wanting to ready plan their sisters bachelorette party. I love doing this kind of stuff...being pregnant for one of these is a first! The wedding is going to be small so I know they aren't inviting tons of people. Is it ok to invite friends to the bachelorette party that may not be invited to the wedding?

SJ7108 · December 2012

I'd say not to. If someone is invited to the bachlorette party they would probably think they are also invited to the wedding and then feel badly about not being invited to the big day.

ChristyD6 · December 2012

IMO it would be a little rude to invite ladies to the bachelorette party and not the wedding unless there is some reason they aren't invited... like it's VERY VERY small- like family only, out of the country, or some other circumstance. Maybe the "rules" are different for parties, but I know my mom said absolutely no one invited to the shower that wasn't invited to the wedding (we had a small wedding).

kaleyandjason · December 2012

Unless it is like unbelieveably small and private I wouldn't invite anyone to a party that wasn't invited to the wedding.

jmcgra06 · December 2012

It didn't happen for any of the bachelorette parties that I went to, but my DH went to a bachelor party where some of the guys weren't invited to the wedding. The guys who weren't invited were more friends of the friends who were invited, but they were all friends by association, if that makes sense. I guess if I were planning it, I would just talk to your friend about what she wants to do since she probably knows you'll have a party for her, just not the details.

Jtaxson · December 2012

kaleyandjason:
Unless it is like unbelieveably small and private I wouldn't invite anyone to a party that wasn't invited to the wedding.

Agreed. Unless the wedding is less than 20 ppl I would say no to invite them to a bachelorette or shower in good taste. I do think you could do something similar with different wording. Like an email invitation for a get together celebrating her upcoming nuptials. Note that since the wedding will be so small you wanted to be sure all her besties got a chance to celebrate with a special girls night out. You shouldn't mention the words shower or bachelorette though.

bumpuser8448316 · December 2012

I don't know if there is proper etiquette like not inviting people to the bridal shower if you don't invite them to the wedding. But I wouldn't do it.

I hosted a bachelorette party when I was 7 months pregnant and it was small and lovely and perfect for the bride. But then again I'm not a fan of big, loud, raucous bachelorette parties

SunshinyLees · December 2012

A couple of things. I agree with some of the pp's that if the wedding is small then I think its ok. We had our wedding in Maui with only 54 people and both DH and I invited a few friends to our bachelor/bachelorette parties that weren't invited to the wedding. But they were more like the friends you only call when you go out for a big night anyway so they were happy to be included and weren't offended at all.

duffmaker · December 2012

ChristyD6:
IMO it would be a little rude to invite ladies to the bachelorette party and not the wedding unless there is some reason they aren't invited... like it's VERY VERY small- like family only, out of the country, or some other circumstance. Maybe the "rules" are different for parties, but I know my mom said absolutely no one invited to the shower that wasn't invited to the wedding (we had a small wedding).

This exactly, like for ours we're having very strictly parents/grandparents/siblings and that's it.. so the bridal luncheon my BFF had planned for me included several friends and cousins that weren't invited to the ceremony and small dinner after and they were completely cool with it. (But we got pounded by snow so it was a complete bust... on the upside my BFF ended up braving the roads alone for an hour long drive just to go to take me to the mall/lunch so the day wasn't completely ruined.)

skio · December 2012

No.

lioness13 · December 2012

I think it depends on the situation. I invited 2 girlfriends who I had gotten to know better less than 6 months before my wedding. They understood that plans had been made before I really knew them. They just wanted to be there for me and our friendship grew more later.

sheacox · December 2012

This happened to me once, i was really offended. I was good enough to invite to bachelorette party but not your wedding...? their excuse was it's a small wedding... well then they shouldn have had a small bachelorette party, IMO.... i wouldn't do it...

roxt26 · December 2012

I was invited to a small wedding shower by the bride via facebook. I found out that I was not invited to the wedding until after the shower. I was the only one at the shower that was not family or a bridesmaid. Her family didn't even know that I was not invited to the wedding.

I found a great website (www.weddingbee.com) for wedding etiquite. I especially found the one on bridal shower etiquite helpful. Basically, the bride will look gift grabby if she sends out invitations and IMO rude if she doesn't keep track on who is invited to the wedding. If a friend or family member is sending out the invitations, they can invite people who are not necessarily invited to the wedding as long as you know that they would like to "shower" the bride, but I would be careful on who is and isn't invited to the wedding. If it's only one or two that are not invited then I'd say not to invite them to the shower. They will feel awkward. At least if it is about 50/50 it won't be so bad, hopefully. I don't know what anyone has said on the knot boards for I was never directed there when searching Bridal Shower etiquite.

Obviously I've gone on about bridal shower etiquite, but I am sure the rules are similar if not the same. Hope this helps and Good Luck.

roxt26 · December 2012

Here is the exact post I was thinking of and just couldn't find right away.

How it's supposed to work:

The bride is not involved at all in the planning of any shower held in her honor. IF the hostess requests names or addresses of her dearest friends, the bride happily provides them. Other than that, the bride shows up at the time and place she is told, smiles graciously and says "Oh Thank you! You shouldn't have!" quite often.

It's seen as rude and gift grabby by a lot of people when the guest of honor helps plan their own shower. Since the point of a shower is to "shower" the guest of honor with gifts, it's a bit like throwing themself a fundraiser/benefit if the guest of honor gets involved.

The shower hostess SHOULD only invite the people who are near and dear to the bride - people that the hostess KNOWS would like to give a gift to the bride.

Modern "tradition" says that only wedding guests should be invited to a shower - but traditional etiquette says the bride would have no control over that. If the hostess knows that Great Aunt Edna would LOVE to give the bride some hand-knit pot holders and welcome her to the family, then the hostess isn't wrong to invite Edna. If the bride and groom hardly know Aunt Edna, and the MOG hasn't suggested that Edna be added to the guest list, then Great Aunt Edna probably won't be a wedding guest. But the bride can't be expected to know which distant relatives will attend a shower, and she shouldn't be held hostage to invite everyone to her wedding who is included on the guest list of a party thown by another individual.

Of course, part of the reason people lean towards inviting everyone from the shower to the wedding is because typically all of the bride's nearest & dearest WILL be invited to attend her wedding. So if the guest list at the shower is kept very small and intimate, (as was intended when showers were first thown) then it's quite likely that every shower guest will also be a wedding guest.

When extended family and "church ladies" attend (or throw) a shower, it's not quite as small, and it's at that point where a bride worries she'll upset the ladies "who didn't make the cut." Avoid talking extensively about the wedding & reception and instead focus on how happy you are to be getting married, how wonderful it is that these ladies are welcoming you to the family, and how lucky you are to have met your wonderful groom. (Otherwise the conversation may drift towards "Oh, we'll have a gigantic chocolate fountain and there will be a cirque du soliel performance... I can't wait to see your reactions! - Oh, well not yours Auntie Edna... You're not invited.")

You're OK here - just leave the planning to your FMIL and/or MOH, be gracious and sincere, and know that you can't and shouldn't be judged by your FMIL's actions. (And if you get wind that your BFF since 3rd grade or your grandma is left off the guest list, you can probably provide their names and addresses to you MOH or FMIL and mention how much you would love to include them.)

and here is the link to the whole conversation https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridal-shower-blues-3

cynthia2007 · January 2013

Thanks ladies. I thought i shouldn't include them but wanted some input.

NPR: bachlorette party attendees question

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