Does Baby Love Mommy More Than Daddy??
ladyjenna13
member
I saw a thread on the August 2012 Mom's page about a mom who feels bad that her husband and the newborn are not bonding as she would have hoped. Apparently the newborn goes into meltdown mode the minute mommy is out of view, and this is making hubby feel pretty bad.
One of the women responded that it was unavoidable.....newborns only want to be by their mothers because of that unique relationship that moms have with their babies. So I went against my own rules and I commented on the thread because I was somewhat upset by that comment. Since day one my son and I have not had one moment where he wanted his mommy over me...NOT ONE!!
I felt that was just a horrible generalization for this woman to make. Maybe that is the case in her house, but in my house our child is comfortable with both of his parents, and does not meltdown just because I am holding him and mom is not around. The only time that my son needs his mom is when he is over-tired and needs her magic, mommy touch. That I get. The idea that newborns are genetically programmed to favor moms over dad is almost insulting.
So, dads....what do you think about this? Can you guys manage your newborn without mom being right next to you?? Do you agree that newborns are predisposed to only be soothed and comfortable by their mother's??
Re: Does Baby Love Mommy More Than Daddy??
We're at the point where it really seems like I'm his Best Friend while mommy is his Milk Machine/servant. He demands and expects things from her, while he seems delighted when he gets to spend time with me.
Babies really go through so many phases it's almost silly thinking too much about any one stop along the way. My kid went through a phase where he only wanted mommy around month 3 or 4. Now? He wants to explore the world. Yeah, he demands mommy for milk and sometimes sleep. But he's just a different person than he was.
I would agree with all of this. I think we tend to get too caught up in what society has dictated in terms of our roles as parents instead of exploring how we can get the most out of our parenting experiences by stepping out of our "roles" and trying new ways of communicating with our children.
For instance, I cannot count how many times a day I kiss my son on the lips or cheek and tell him I love him. That is something that I know for a fact my father never did with me, because it was so frowned upon back in the day. To this day even, my father rarely says those three words to me.
Lady lurker here. I agree with those of you who said that your LO goes back and forth. Since birth, there were times only I could comfort her (mostly when she wanted to nurse) and times when I was the LAST person who could comfort her. Now, at almost 20 months, it's the same way. Sometimes only Mommy will do, but sometimes Daddy is where it's at.
I understand why you felt insulted.
Our LO was born in June so he was in his diapers and I was shirtless most of the summer so we had a lot of skin to skin contact and good bonding. MW helped to get him used to bottles by having me feed him breast milk when he was like 3 weeks old.
MIL is our primary care giver so if she is around he usually goes to her first depending on what is wrong. He is 17 months old.
I believe the bolded part of what you posted here somes it up perfectly. There is no doubt in my mind that parents have more to do with this than nature.
My wife and I made sure that we both did skin to skin daily for the first month. In the hospital I was walking around shirtless in our room most of the time while my wife recovered. She started pumping at three weeks so I was feeding him shirtless as well. We made this decision long before he was born, and we did it because we did not want our little one bonding with only my wife. We have friends who have let this happen, and it looks like a not-so-fun homelife for those families.
Our little guy is well adjusted and able to interact with other people already, and we believe it is directly related to how we interacted with him right from the start.
This is my wife and I's plan too. Glad it is working out for you guys! Good news! My wife was concerned about bonding with our daughter when she gets here and wants to make sure I have the opportunity to feed her and get some alone time with her.
It really has been the best parenting choice we have made so far. Our next door neighbor's fell into that trap of mom doing it all for the first year, and now the father walks around clueless, with no idea how to interact with his own child. I could not imagine that.
Wow, this is just... dumb.
I mean, I hate judging other people's parenting decisions, but geez that seems unhealthy for several reasons, not the least of which is Mom's sanity.
As a mom who has done it, yes, this is a risk.
I agree with you, LuckyDad. That's crazy! My husband was a huge help to me, and I loved it when he could feed our baby a bottle. I can't imagine the mom never leaving her kid alone with the father just because the primary nutrition is breast milk.
Like you, I don't really like judging the parenting skills of others, but it seems like a poor choice in a lot of ways. You mentioned Mom's sanity, and that seems like the second most important reason (or maybe first!) a woman should NOT hoard her baby, topped only by the need for baby to bond with dad.
Does that really make people happy? Are there women who really want to spend every single second of every single day with their child/ren?
Sadly, I think some women get so wrapped up in being a mother that they think it is all aboiut them and the baby. The toll it takes on a marriage is huge, as I have seem a few take a hit because the father is so removed from the dynamic he is like a house guest. After that, resentment from the mother for feeling the father is not involved enough, when it was the mother's actions in the first place that led to this weird dynamic. If a man is not confident enough to speak up on an emotional level, he will just clam up, we are good at that.
One thing I would say to any parent-to-be (and I don't really give out advice because every situation is different but.....) is to please try not to get your feelings hurt if/when your LO does express a preference. There really were times when DD only wanted me. She went through a pretty long phase where if she could see me, she wanted to be attached to me. That wasn't to say she wasn't ok with her Dad if I had to go out and do something or just needed to shut myself in my room for 30 minutes and read a magazine, but if she could see me, DH might as well have been chopped liver.
Now, there are still times when she only wants me for comfort. But there are times she only wants him for comfort, and I have to not let my feelings get hurt when she reaches for him instead of me.
None of it is a reflection of her having a stronger bond with me over him or vice versa. Babies and toddlers are just strange little creatures, you know?
I don't think anyone here would disagree with everything you posted.
But there are cases where mother's tend to create that environment because they do not allow the father to participate in raising the child in those first months to first year even. I see it all around me, a father walking around like a lost puppy while mom controls every single little aspect of how the newborn is handled at every moment. I know for me, a very active father, that would cause serious issues in our household. Father's need to stand up more against that and take charge of their own role as a father.
Our son refuses to fall asleep for me when he is over-tired, and the only person in the world who can get him to sleep is his mom. I accept that, and even welcome it since it shows that he has a special relationship with his mother. Likewise, when he is awake and wants to be active, it is all about me, and my wife loves that we get that time together, to the point of tears of joy at times.
If we were not so disciplined in that first month with making sure our son knew he could get support from both of us at an emotional level, I do not think we would have the great dynamic in our house that we currently have.
Definitely true! There are also fathers who refuse to participate in activities that would help them to be more bonded to their child. In those cases, mothers need to stand up more and insist that the fathers take a more active role.
It's nice when both parents are on the same page. My husband is an active, hands-on Dad like you are. I think in cases like ours, the "bonding" issue isn't too much of an issue at all.
Thanks for "letting" me butt in. lol
You can butt in any time you want!
Single mom chiming in here...
I've been alone with my son from day 1, and I have to say that if there are two parents involved, they should be equally involved. I have no doubt that babies are just as capable of bonding with their fathers as they are with their mothers, but both parties have to be on board with that. It's really common for breastfeeding moms to do everything, and for fathers to not be as involved as they could be. And I can tell you from experience, that level of bonding with your baby can totally drive you insane.
I still don't like to be away from my son at all, ever. Not because I don't enjoy my own time (that might be the reason I stay up for hours after his bedtime every night), it's just that when I'm not with him it's kind of like I'm missing a limb. It's hard to focus and I get really anxious. He's freaking three years old.
My point is, mother and child benefit greatly from having a very involved father around. Now that I'm used to being the only one, I think it will be a very hard adjustment for me to make if I ever have another child, with an involved partner. I can't even imagine.
You can butt in whenever you want to around here!! Us dad's appreciate a mother's point of view from time to time when it comes to these important issues.
Soon to be mommy with thoughts and questions:
I never really thought about this issue of a child not bonding with dad, probably because my husband is such a "natural father" with kids...and he's getting his "dad humor" full force these days! But this shirtless daddy thing. Can someone tell me more about that? I have never heard of it...makes sense but I'd love to know more.
In terms of "allowing" for bonding, I welcome it! My husband is from Africa and comes from a culture where the village truly raises the child. After living there with him, I had really adapted to some of those life practices. I look forward to leaving our child at home with him, I appreciate the one-on-one time our baby will get with daddy, grandparents, etc. I believe it is really positive for a child to develop strong bonds with mom and dad as well as extended family.
I am the "breadwinner" of the family (teacher...hahaha) and will be using my sick days to take a 6 week maternity leave. After that my husband will be home with our baby while I am at work for the remaining 6 weeks of school until summer. I feel so lucky that we will both be home during those fist six weeks to share in the initial bonding. My mom will then come up to help us out when my husband and I go back to work (he works nights). She and my hubby get along amazingly. It will be so wonderful to have her be a constant presence as my husband and I rotate our schedules to be with the baby.
Whew....sorry about going off into a personal tangent...probably unnecessary! Back to my initial question: Shirtless pops...can ya tell me more about it???