How many are REALLY involved?
Ok, I need a show of hands on how many dads are really actually there. I dont' know if I am being unreasonable or what the norm is for others but sometimes I feel like I don't get very much help on anything. Yes I am a SAHM and it is my job to take care of the house and our DS but am I not entitled to have some time to myself? Our latest fight is - DH is going away 2 weekends in a row with his dad in december to go hunting. And yes, he has always done this prior to baby. wait, let me correct myself. He's only gone one weekend but now all of a sudden its 2. My problem is now that we have a little one and I think 1 weekend is enough, especially with christmas right around the corner. I want my DS dad to be more involved with things. like take DS to see lights, or santa, or a fun thing we have coming up called candy cane castle. DH always has an excuse to get out of it. I feel like he's never gonna get these memories back.I sometimes really feel like I am raising our son by myself.
Re: How many are REALLY involved?
The day I became a husband was the day I stopped acting like a single man. The day we had our son was the day we both stopped living our lives for just the two of us, and our son became our sole focus.
I live in the deer hunting capital of the United States....Wisconsin. I understand exactly how big hunting is here for millions of people. So if he wants his two weekends to hunt out of the year, fine...he gets that.
But that is where it ends, at least with my wife it would. That would be it for the year, end of story. Any other trips would be with family, period!
She would not have to worry about it, because my weekends are about family.....nothing else. Yes, I sat in the mancave all day yesterday watching football, but I did that with my son, and I told my wife to get out for a few hours to do what she wanted. That is called a marriage. That is called being a husband and a father, two titles that should mean more to him than anything else.
Hey, if he wants to miss all those memories, that is on him, and he will have to face the consequences of his decisions at some point. But if you are not going to step up to the plate, and communicate to him what you expect from him as a husband and a father, he is going to keep doing the things he does. You, as his wife, have to let him know your expectations, or you will continue to be disappointed when he continues to do the same things that cause you concern.
I'm there and love it. My schedule is a bit out of the ordinary, so my wife and I do not have full days off together, we do get the opportunity to have 4+ hours a day together with our son, but we each get our "days" with him. My days off are in the middle of the week, so I've been taking him to his doctor appointments. I take my son to the zoo at least once a month (weather permitting... when it was 90+ degrees all summer it didn't happen), I take him to the children's museum on occasion, we go on walks.
Personally, I wouldn't want to leave my child for an entire weekend, let alone two. I'm all for time to yourself, but I could never see taking 2 weekends off, especially during the Christmas season.
I don't know how old your son is, but maybe he thinks he's so little he won't remember and therefore he isn't missing anything? I personally don't feel that way, because while he didn't remember his first full Christmas season (my son was born a week before Christmas, so I am referring to last Christmas where he was present for the whole season)... I certainly will remember.
You are however, on a board, in which the dads are so engaged in being a father that they are willing to post on a message board about being dads... so I think you'll find that the bulk of the dads here will not be like your husband. I get the going for the one weekend, it is something he's done with his dad, probably for years... and it is a chance for him to unwind and renew the bond with his dad. The sudden addition of the 2nd weekend is something that might raise a conversation.
The guys who create an account and post here are likely to be guys who are excited about dadhood.
Two weekends in a row of being gone sounds like a lot.
Depends on what you mean by really involved? MW understands when work is really stressful to help keep LO from "poking the bear". She also has to work one weekend a month, she works from home, so that means I have a total of about 10 hours over two days to keep LO occupied somewhere else.
As for hunting, if it is close by I don't see why they can't come home at night. Not sure where you live, but in some places like PA, parts of Ohio, and most of the Western states hunting is a big deal. When the child is older, your husband most likely will take him with them to hunt. I know a lot of families that do this.
I would still talk to your husband why he doesn't want to do "fun" things with his son and you.
This. We are a slightly skewed and biased party.
True that!!
Although I am currently working on my judgemental nature when it comes to how I view other parents who are struggling with it. I promised my wife I would try to be more understanding about these things.
Thank goodness there's someone out there wondering if their husband is being ridiculous. The last few weeks (our daughter is 7 weeks old) I've been more and more frustrated because my husband has been less than "present." I'm still at home but will be going back to work in 2 weeks. He works 4 days/wk, 10 hour days but is home by 5pm. He gets home, sometimes doesn't even say hello to the baby, goes upstairs to change, sometimes will take a detour to the computer for several minutes before coming back down to eat dinner. He watches TV, only sometimes holding our little girl, and takes a 30-60min bath every night before going to bed.
He never seems to make an attempt to hold the baby, doesn't ask if there's anything I'd like to do/somewhere to go and he'll watch her, and certainly doesn't make any initiation to play with her. The one time I've left for a few hours to my mom's for a party I came home to him playing some zombie video game super loud with her propped on a pillow next to him, fussing.
Is there a tactful way to ask him to make more of an effort without sounding awful? I know he works long days, but it can't go on like this when I go back to work. I simply can't do it all. I have had him feed her from a bottle each night (pumping and bf still) to get the bonding going.