Can having a baby drive others away? (Long!)
markhamgurl
member
I've had the same "best friend" since high school. Though we grew up in the same town and went to the same schools and were otherwise quite similar, our paths seem to have taken us different places over the years.
I finished my undergrad and got myself into the working world. Although she seems to prefer being in school (she's done her undergrad, teacher's college, Masters, and now in the middle of a PhD), it sounds like she's getting burned-out with the schoolwork that her PhD program requires. She just doesn't sound happy and is always starting or finishing "work" when I call.
Since informing her of my pregnancy, it feels like there's a lot she doesn't seem to be sharing with me. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because she feels we're in such different places in our lives right now, and that having a baby is going to somehow change my personality which would prevent us from continuing as friends?
I'm also wondering if her being jealous has something to do with our growing apart, because she recently admitted that she doesn't "want" to work a regular job when she's finished school. When I gently told her that people generally don't like to work and many of us hate our jobs but we do it anyway (let's be realistic, here!), she responded with a despondent, "Well, you aren't going to have to work anymore!" .. despite the fact that our circumstances are very different (I have a husband who's willing and able to support me while I'm a SAHM and/or work part-time, whereas for the past six years she's chosen to date someone who lives an 8-hr drive away across the border in the US, and who has commitment issues).
Anyway, it makes me sad to think that our respective life choices might be driving us apart. I've tried talking to her about it, as I acknowledged that she sounded a bit "down" the last few times we spoke. When I told her that I worried about her sounding unhappy, she attributed it to her school work (this is when we had the "I don't want to work" discussion as well, it was rather bizarre). We live 3 hrs apart so don't often get to see each other, which doesn't help.
She spent this past weekend visiting another friend where she said (via text) that she'd done "lots of thinking" (though didn't elaborate on what that meant). FWIW, I'm notorious for assuming things are my "fault" when in reality they've got nothing to do with me, and hope that's not the case here. It could just be her schoolwork that's getting her down, but as soon as she threw out that line about me not having to work anymore whereas she'll have to, it made me suspicious.
I'd appreciate any insight or advice any Bumpies might have, on my situation or one that they've experienced themselves, since I'm terrible when it comes to discussing feelings or relationships and don't really know how to best approach this situation, anymore!
Re: Can having a baby drive others away? (Long!)
It's hard...my best friend is 6 years younger than me. She has just finished her college degree and is looking for her first apartment with her boyfriend...I had my first child when she was a freshman in college. However, my having kids has brought us MUCH closer together.
On the other hand, I've lost two friends who are the same age as me and in similar places. Both are newly married, and one is now pregnant. The pregnant one called out of the blue for the first time in over a year to have lunch the other day.
I think sometimes people don't know how to relate, they don't know how to "fit" into this new life you're making for yourself.
I think the best thing for you to do is try and sit down with her and hash it out. Be blunt and honest. "This is how I feel, what is really going on?" etc.
My "best friend" and I started to grow apart the minute I got pregnant too. We were in vastly different life stages (she was dating a jerk who she suspected of cheating, at a dead end job, renting an apartment) and I think she really resented my "perfect" (far from it, but in her eyes...) life. She would make snide comments about how at least she wasn't going to have to change sh!tty diapers and how much labor was going to hurt. I put up with it, and even felt guilty about sharing good news with her, but she became a real debbie downer and I just felt I couldn't reach her.
She would invite me to go to happy hour with her 2-3 weeks postpartum and became rude when I declined. I would invite her over the house to hang and she would come up with an excuse.
I stopped making an effort, and so did she. It felt forced and I think we mutually agreed without talking about it that it just wasn't going to happen. We correspond cordially via Facebook and the occasional text, but we aren't real friends anymore. I will love her always and be there for her, but i'm glad we didn't keep up the farce.
I made lots of new friends by going to classes and kids stuff with DD. Good friends who are in the same life stage as me. I'm not saying you should dump all your non-mom friends, or not try to salvage the relationship,I'm just saying sometimes it's better to just let go than to force it.
This is all really good to read, thanks ladies.
I agree that someone else's circumstances (ie. getting married, having a baby) can definitely make you sit back and force you to look at your own life and gauge how happy you are with yourself and your choices. Heck, when people we knew had babies, it would usually trigger a conversation between DH and I regarding our own plan to have kids and where we saw our life headed, and whether or not we were making the right decision. So I definitely understand how she might be doing some internal reflection of her own.
She's always been quite competitive and always out-performed me in school for the most part, and I think she always took great pleasure in that. I just came to the conclusion that certain subjects in school were just not my forte, lol. Now we can't really compare grades anymore, I wonder if she's comparing our lives instead.
I think a frank conversation is definitely in order. It's getting harder to be honest with her though, since she's started being more secretive about her relationship and vague about her school work. There's only so much poking and prodding I can do before I feel like her mother!
So, for those who have experienced it, is it easier when a friendship just fizzles out, or when the other person outright tells you that the friendship is over? I don't like ambiguity (and don't like feeling as though I'm being avoided!) so I'd probably prefer the second option, but have never had it happen, so can't say for sure.
I wouldn't want to have an "it's over!" conversation because it might not be. You might need a break from each other, but as her life changes she may change her tune. Maybe a few months, maybe a few years, she might settle down, have kids and you'll find yourselves naturally reconnecting. It might be awkward to do if you finalize a "break-up" instead of letting it evolve on it's own, no hard feelings
Very true. Funnily enough, just as I posted my last contribution to this thread, she sent me a text message. I ended-up calling her, and we had an awkward chat. Not at all what I'd hoped for!
I tried so hard to be interested in what she was doing, plans for Halloween, etc. and she was very reluctant to tell me. I specifically avoided the baby talk, too, although she did ask me how I was feeling.
I asked her about the "thinking" she'd been doing two weekends ago, and she was really evasive. When I asked her how her past weekend had been, she said her mom had visited and they'd mostly done "talking". She didn't elaborate on what they talked about, but when I asked, she said, "Just ... personal stuff. I'm actually really tired of talking about it, because I talked about it a lot with my mom".
So I told her I wanted to make sure I hadn't done anything to offend or upset her (which, apparently, I haven't) and then mentioned that she had seemed really secretive and vague about things lately, and that I wouldn't be all "judgy" if she wanted to talk to me about her personal issues. Which didn't seem to get me anywhere, either.
I can only assume that her "personal issues" have a lot to do with me or my current situation though, because she seems to be talking about them with everyone but me! Sigh.
I didn't go so far as to say that I felt like she was cutting me out of her life, because that seems a bit dramatic. It feels like I'm being kept in the dark about something that concerns me though, which is frustrating.
Such a bummer, I feel like I can't do anything right
My best friend since we were kids cannot have children. Now that I am pregnant, he says he is happy for us but does not call or visit as often as he used to do. His wife, comes over every week and we visit and have a great time. I miss my friend but that is something that he will have to work through. I know the problem is not mine - even though he would like me to think it is. He is not comfortable since this is not something he can participate in. All I can do, and the hard thing to recommend, is to let him work it out.
Do what you are already doing for your friend. Be there. Don't push but be a quiet presence of support. Let her work this out and she will come to you when she is ready/comfortable. That is the most difficult part of being a friend. Knowing someone you care for is in pain of some type and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
I think I am a little younger than you but have experienced the friend seperation thing. When i started my senior year of highschool I was diagnosed with a Seizure dissorder, that does not affect me much, and Bi-polar. Once my friends found out i was bi-polar they kind of seperated from me. As the year went on and they realized i was no different than before (they had been dealing with me undiagnosed for several years and just thought it was me) they came back around. I got pregnant not far after i had graduated. Which was fine, since i was told not to attend any type of college for 2 years due to the ilnesses not being treated correctly. I was on a sad spiral downwards, I got pregnant and was very happy again about life. All of my friends were very excited about me being pregnant. I was always a big motherly type, and they knew as well as I that i wanted children and i wanted them soon. Lol.
I went out most weekends when i was pregnant for DS, and my frineds liked partying with me. I mean come on, convenient DD here. After i had him, the friends stopped in maybe 1 or 2 times at first. And then they just kept their distance.... I get talked to everynow and then, they come and see DS and are once again excited about LO coming in Feb, but still very distant. I am one of a group of 5 "Good" friends, that another woman has a 9 month old, and another just found out she was pregnant. They are still associated with, invited to go hang out, to have lunch, etc. But i am just pushed off to the side.
It used to get me really down, i felt so bad that i was no longer a part of their fun. But now my SO and i are planning on moving to another state in April, so i am trying to think that i do not need to try to start something back up with them, if i am just going to move away. I might as well just keep the contact i have with them now, and go with it.
Right now her and her husband live on others sides of the country and she spends most if her free time commuting to see him. I am in kid mode but when my kids are older and more independent I know we will find more time for each other again. We have been friends for 20 plus years... And I think 20 years from now it will be the same. This is just a stage...
I definitely think having children can drive people apart.
I have a good friend from high school who basically refuses to see me now, and I think it's because it just hurts her too much to see me. I am happily married, have an AWESOME husband, MIGHT get to be a SAHM (working part-time). I am pregnant and so happy to have my first child. My friend is dying for a family of her own, but her boyfriend is a guitar player who still thinks he's going to get famous and refuses to get an adult job. He plays a gig once or twice a week and makes maybe a couple hundred bucks. That's the extent of it. Ever since I've gotten pregnant, she's completely ignored me and blown me off. I don't really blame her... I feel really sad for her. Everything I have ever wanted is coming true, and I can't imagine being in her situation.
Also, I have noticed a couple of other friends kind of distancing themselves. I guess they think we dno't have anything in common any more, or maybe they don't want to hang out if I can't drink and party. All I have to say is, I don't need friends like that in my life.
OH, and one girl is upset because she found out on facebook (we aren't even that close!!!), and she has been going out of her way to ignore me (by texting me FIRST, then ignoring my responses.) If you're not happy for me, screw you. You're seriously going to make my pregnancy about YOU?! Seriously?!
So there are all kinds of different situations. Some people I'm more sympathetic for than others, but it can wreak havoc on relationships. At the end of the day though, I couldn't be happier. I have a loving and supportive husband , I'm starting my family and having the child I've always wanted, and if anyone can't be happy for me then I don't need them in my life, period. I'm just focusing on myself and my relationships with my family.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
I'll be honest. Yes, sometimes having a baby does come between friends. I commented on a post like this before and said that when I became pregnant with my DD a lot of my "friends" didn't call or come by for a visit any longer. I talked with a friend of mine who did not have children about how that felt and she poo poo'd the idea and made me feel I was being "hormonal and sensitive". While I was in labor with my DD I got a call from that same friend, she announced she was pregnant. I was very happy for her. One month later she called me up crying that all her "friends" had abandoned her and she didn't know what to do. I invited her over for tea and now we are very close as mommies together.
I had another friend who hung in there with me. She came to visit, brought gifts, and played the "auntie" but things were changing. She told me that she talked with her mother about how hard it was for her to see me "give up" on life. That I was an independent woman before I got married and now I had "settled" for being nothing more than a mother and a wife. Her mother had reminded her that some people are very happy with being a mother and wife, and that I didn't "settle". The whole friendship came crashing down when she text me asking for a favor I couldn't fulfill because of parenting responsibilities. She flew into a rage accusing me of putting my child before my friendship. Well, yes, I am guilty of doing that. My child comes first in everything, and I am unapologetic about it.
The reality is, children change our lives massively! We are NOT the same people we were, now we are less selfish (not that we were awful before) and our lives now revolve around the well-being of another person. This can make us seem a million miles away from those we were close to before when we turn them down for a drinking night at the local pub or a girls night at the movies because we are tired and just want to spend time with our hubbies and our babies. Suddenly WE are not our first priority, our FAMILY is, and that is hard to understand before you are in the midst of it. Often their lives will change as well and they call you when they have their first LO looking to rekindle that same friendship because suddenly they understand.
There is a great episode of Sex and the City that deals with this after Miranda has Brady. It was a pretty honest portrayal too.
Thanks so much for everyone's heartfelt and honest responses. It's really eye-opening to hear about how the friendships of others can change with the introduction of a baby (although I realize that isn't always the case).
Yeah, I don't know why I jumped straight to the jealousy thing. I tend to be a bit paranoid and always assume I'm somehow at fault when others start acting strangely. I agree that it's most likely issues that she's dealing with personally and is not necessarily directly related to my pregnancy. I'm guessing it has something to do with her current life circumstances (boyfriend, school burnout, etc.) based on the vague things she's said lately, and she perhaps doesn't want me to know that she's now second-guessing - or having problems - with the direction she's headed in with her relationship and/or career.
It's funny, because for awhile, I thought she had the better deal in life. Going to school, living the student lifestyle, and no pressure to get married or have babies. I was working in a job I didn't like (still don't!) and felt like my biological clock was ticking LOUDLY (yet I didn't feel "ready" for kids)... and my only saving grace was that I had married an amazing guy. It's interesting how a change or two can affect how you perceive your life.
Talking to her is so hard now though, like there's an elephant in the room in the form of her "personal issues", and it's difficult to remain on topics that she's willing to discuss. Like many of you have said though, it's probably best to drop the probing (I've tried twice to resolve the problem and have been shut-down both times) and let her work through this on her own. Hopefully she'll continue to remain in my life, because it just has always felt like it was destined to be one of those lifelong friendships.
(Okay, I'm officially bummed-out, now!)
Had to comment as our stories sound so similar (and Markham is nearby to me too!). Don't really have any advice though as I'm going through the same exact thing with my own best friend (also doing her PhD and living almost 3 hours away). I'm hopeful we'll get through it though... It feels more like we don't have as much in common but I'd like to maintain the friendship and think we can.
I have two stories to share that relate here.
First, Spouse's best friend had a baby in February, his first. He's one of my closest and oldest friends too. When we found out that his wife was pregnant, I was not happy. For a lot of reasons, but jealousy was not one of them. The main reason though, was because I don't like change. This meant that he couldn't come visit us anymore (we live across the country), we couldn't hang out like we used to when we went home to visit, Spouse lost his stay-up-late-and-play-video-games-on-the-weekends buddy. I don't like it when things change and this changed everything.
However, I was wrong. They won't be able to come visit us, that's true, but our friendships have remained strong and constant. He made the effort to still talk to us and do the things that we used to do together (like playing video games). We went home for the first time in September and did get to see him, and my pregnancy affected our time hanging out together more than his 7 month old baby did (because I was exhausted and couldn't stay awake!). At the end of the day, our friendship didn't change, and I was really glad for that.
And then I got pregnant. My best friend and I have pretty much always been at different stages in our lives; we met in college, I had a steady boyfriend, she had an on-and-off relationship with a jerk. I graduated college a year earlier than her, got married, and moved across the country for graduate school. She still had a year left of college and then went right into working full time. I finished grad school, and she went back to grad school. Now I'm pregnant. She has always been almost intimidated by my "adultness" and has had interesting reactions to things, like when I told her that I was engaged. But she's learned that my being married didn't change anything- we are just as close as we were back then. When I told her I was pregnant (we weren't trying to get pregnant), she was very honest with me, and actually told me that a part of her wanted to jump up and down with excitement for me and another part of her wanted to cry because we were supposed to do this together. And I get, I really really get it.
We had a conversation since then where she admitted that she was worried it would change our friendship and that she has a hard time sharing me with Spouse, let alone a baby, but she decided that she doesn't want it to be like that so she is going to extend her jealousy to the baby too, and not share the baby either. I thought it was the sweetest thing and I was really happy that she was able to accept it and come to terms with it so well. She asked me if she gets to be "aunt" and she's excited about being a part of this baby's life- she wants to fly out here when the baby is born and be here for everything.
She doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to ask her at Christmas to be the baby's godmother. We may be at completely different points in our lives, but we still talk about everything- the boys she's dating and who she likes best, her classes and her jobs, etc. And she's been my go-to person for my worries, the first person I told that Spouse got a job offer that would take us even further away, the only person that I told when my CF test came back that I'm a carrier, and she always asks me how I'm doing and how my appointments went. She's been there for me for everything so far and when we talk about the heavy stuff, she'll sometimes say how she feels so silly talking about boys when I have real adult stuff to deal with, and I make it a point to tell her that I LOVE hearing about her boys and her life is just as important, even if we are going through different things.
What both of these stories show is that it all comes down to the efforts that people make. Can a baby (or other major life changes) affect a friendship? Absolutely. But if YOU make the effort to keep the friendship, you're half way there. But it requires the other person to make the effort too. Maybe your friend just hasn't come around yet. Maybe she still will if you give her the time and make sure that she knows that her life and what she is going through is still important to you and doesn't seem petty compared to having a baby. But at the end of the day, it takes both people to want it to keep the friendship strong.
I am also going to say that it may very well have nothing to do with you. I am not sure why everybody assumes there is a jealousy aspect to it. From a lot of the responses I am seeing, many people seem to look down upon their "poor" friend who has made bad life choices and are dating unreliable people who have low paying jobs that will not allow their friend to SAH. It sounds awfully judgemental. You may be unintentionally giving the impression that you are looking down upon her for her life choices.
There was a similar issue between two friends. Friend #1 had what she felt was the ideal life. She was married, she was pregnant, she had just bought a beautiful house, she was going to SAH, and she even had a dog. She was pretty proud of her accomplishments. Friend #2 was dating someone, not sure if it would work out, wanted to buy a new house, and really wanted kids. Friend #1 just assumed Friend #2 was jealous. In fact, Friend #2 saw the first friend's husband as a loser, the pregnancy was unplanned, the house was purchased in part by a loan from parents, and the dog was annoyingly yippy. At one point, Friend #2 said something about wanting to buy a new house and #1 responded "Someday, honey, someday..." How condescending! Friend #2 realized that Friend #1 was looking down upon her and judging her for not making the "right" choices. The friendship fizzled for awhile. I am sure Friend #1 thought it was due to jealousy, when in fact it was due to her condescending view of other friend's lifestyle choices.
I do not think having a baby drives people away, I think different priorities and interests drive people away. Friends serve a purpose in our lives, sometimes that purpose is fulfilled and the friendship fizzles. Other times the friendship just evolves. Sometimes it fizzles and comes back. I have friends who have kids who are the exact same age as DS, and we never see each other and rarely talk When we do, it is forced for the sake of the history of the friendship. I have friends who have no children and we get together once a month and talk frequently. I have friends whose children are older and we bond through work. The friendships have nothing to do with my DS, but have everything to do with how I approach and view those friendships.
Give your friend time, she might need some space and to work some things out. Maybe she is ashamed of her lifestyle choices, or maybe she is perfectly happy with those choices and does not want to be judged for them or given "helpful" suggestions that really meet your expectations of a fulfilled life. I would not, however, assume that it has anything to do with you.