Hello ladies!
I have a bit of a dilemma and I don't know how to tactfully approach it.
My in-laws smoke. A lot. Like, several packs a day. Whenever we visit them, you can barely see because the smoke is so thick. The smoke has always bothered me, but I want to avoid second hand smoke altogether now that I am pregnant. Luckily, my husband and I have been so busy, that we haven't had a chance to visit them lately. However, I am starting to feel anxious about the upcoming holidays, when we will be visiting them in their homes.
Is it polite of me to ask them to not smoke indoors when we visit? My husband suggested we have them over at our house (smoke-free) for the holidays, but I already know there is no way I will want to play hostess for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I feel like asking someone to not smoke in their home is crossing a line and I don't want to cause any discomfort.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Re: how to handle in-laws who smoke
Short of just not going to their home, I don't know what you can do except for offer to host. Even if they don't smoke while you're there, there is all sorts of stuff that is going to be coming out of all the surfaces in their home (walls, sofas, carpets, etc.). I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either.
Good luck with your choice - that is tough.
As others have said, it's pretty rude to try and dictate what someone does in their home. Wouldn't you be slightly ticked if the reverse was the case, them asking you not to do something in your house? Hosting really is your only option.
In order to ease the load of cooking uou could always ask everyone to bring a side or a dessert.
Like pp said, smoke and all the chemicals are all over that place. There is a reason Neonatal staff rec for parents not just to smoke outside but to quit all together. The chemicals are still in their clothes and holdong the baby next to their clothes can affect the baby. Food for thought.
No matter what, it shouldn't be YOU who mentions it. It should be your hubby talking to his family. It is reasonable to offer to host. If that is too much for you, then maybe start a new tradition with you/hubby/baby on your own. You are right, asking them not to do something in their home may be too much, but hubby does need to start talking to them about smoking around the baby, too. Better to get that settled now, before things get crazy in your life.
(I'd like to thank Dear Prudie for that advice. She is always telling letter writers to let the spouse deal with the in-laws.)
This is an issue I am going to have to tackle as well. MIL smokes and for the most part, it's easy for me to avoid at this point. Although, DH's family is the only one that is close, and I know that when Baby J gets here, and if we need a babysitter for any reason, they will be our go-to. Their entire house smells of smoke. Even if they don't smoke while Baby J is around, the smell will transfer... diaper bag, carseat, clothes, stroller, etc. I told DH that we're just going to have to lay down the law that if they have to babysit for any reason, it will be at our home (which would be more convenient for Baby J anyways).
Here are things I would do (and did when my f-i-l was alive --- though I wasn't even pregnant then --- he smoked like a chimney, and eventually died of lung cancer):
(1) Don't stay at their houses. Stay in a non-smoking hotel (assuming they're far away). If they ask you why you aren't staying at their house, be honest, and let them know that your doctor has advised you to avoid second-hand smoke while pregnant.
(2) Bring extra clothes with you so that you can change out of those clothes when you visit them.
(3) When they smoke, excuse yourself and walk outside or into a different room.
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My ex in laws smoked so much in their apartment that they had the smoke haze as well. Our "compromise" of sorts for when we'd go visit was that they had to open the doors and windows to allow fresh air in as they didn't open the doors and windows as a general rule and the air became extra stale. They started opening the windows even before we'd come over when the visits were planned. It didn't solve the entire problem but it did help.
If you decide to host the holidays, try preparing as much as possible before hand and invite family members to help in the kitchen both before and after the meals. My mom, my grandmother and my aunts would gather in the kitchen for family get togethers regardless of the occassion and they'd have a ball preparing and cleaning up after the meals. In fact, some of my happiest memories of my grandmother revolve around helping grandma and her daughters in the kitchen.
Lisa
Y
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Wow! Thank you for all the advice! I know that this will be a touchy topic to bring up, but I feel more confident after hearing everyone's opinion. I am lucky that I have a husband who is just as disgusted by smoke as I am, so I know he will defend me and our unborn child.
Thanks again, ladies, for all your help. I feel very fortunate that I can seek advice from so many knowledgeable women who have been in my shoes.
Thanks!!!!