I feel like this is a topic that is taboo during pregnancy. Everyone wants a healthy, happy baby - I know this and let's just get that out of the way. I hope I don't get flamed to holy hell for saying this...and it's just my opinion....
The "new" generation of my family (all my cousin's kids, which there are 9 of them) are all boys. I have a brother, and 2 male cousins. I've got 4 female cousins. I've always wanted kids, and now more than ever I REALLY want a girl. I am hoping and praying this baby is a girl. I know boys are great, my family is full of them, but there is a part of me that would be really sad if we had another boy. Everyone says once you have the baby, you won't care what the sex is, as long as it's healthy.
There has been a big boy boom in my city for the past few yrs - very few girls are being born. Have you ever known anyone to have gender disappointment? did they cope well?
Re: Gender Disappointment
My cousin really wanted a girl but she has 2 boys. She won't have more kids because she "knows" it will be a boy. After her first she was really upset, she didn't want to look at girl babies or girl things and when other people in the family had girls she was angry. After the second boy she was devestated. When she had her second boy there were three other babies born within 5 weeks (I have a large family with lots of kids) and the other three were all girls. She resented all of them.
She loves her boys and treats them well and was proud of them just the same. She is a wonderful mom. She still feels she was cheated out of having a girl somehow. EDIT I should mention she in spite of feeling that she is very happy and has a really good time with her boys. They are loved very much.
I never understood it. I never wanted a girl or boy with my first. With the second when everyone said "bet you want a girl" or "I hope it's your girl" I just didn't agree. I never wanted one or the other. I now have two boys and to be honest, I don't care what this baby is either. Boys are just as amazing as girls. Girls tend to get more attention with certain people in my family but I think it's silly.
Just give it some time. I don't think there's anything wrong with being upset or disappointed when things don't turn out the way we wanted. It doesn't mean you love your son less. If you want a girl to do girly things maybe if you have a niece or a friend has a daughter you could do things with them. I take my nieces to get their nails done and things do other girly things with them.
no nieces 3 of my female cousins are done having kids, my other one is only 21, so that'll be a while. my 1 male cousin is done having kids and my other male cousin is only 18.... and my brother.. well.... that'll be a while too. I know things can change at anytime.. and I get what you're saying... I've been on GD websites where women discuss their issues and it all comes down to mourning the life you wanted to have. But I know that if we have 2 boys, I will definitely give their brides the wedding they want!! LOL Hope she doesnt mind! haha
I do not think extended disappointment is normal or healthy at all. If you really think you are going to be "so sad"....get counseling. I think a re-adjustment period if you think LO will be one sex and turns out the other is normal, because you have to retrain your thoughts to be "he" vs "she" (or vice versa). And adopting because you want a specific sex is bad idea...it puts waaayyy too much expectation on a baby for a desired type of relationship you think you are lacking with your biological children.
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TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
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This, but especially the bolded. Feeling "so sad" because your baby is born the "wrong" sex is a problem that you should talk over with someone, and not a message board.
I think gender expectation/disappointment is problematic because it puts such a specific set of expectations on what is an individual human being.
I don't want to raise my daughter in a certain way because **I** am looking to get something specific out of that experience.
I know someone who was dying to have a girl. She was a high school volleyball coach and would talk about how someday she would coach her daughter's team etc.
She has had two boys and I don't think they are planning on having another. She absolutely adores her two sons.
I am pregnant with my first and I can say that I'm leaning toward wanting a boy, but I'd be SO happy with either. Once I'm pregnant with my 2nd I know I'll be hoping much more for the opposite gender of whatever this baby is.
I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling disappointment and I certainly don't think that people should be telling you that it's wrong to be posting this on a message board. You have something on your mind and this should be a safe, non-judgmental place to post your hopes and fears. With that being said, if you get to the end of your pregnancy or after the baby is born and you are still feeling a lot of disappointment, I agree, you should seek a professional counselor.
If you find out that this baby is a boy, take your time to "come around" to all the great things about little boys. It may take some time, but I'm sure you will grow to love every little piece of your baby no matter what the gender.
Good luck and take care.
This. Don't worry about it and understand that this will be your child regardless. I was leaning toward a girl just because I never really had experience with boys. Low and behold my baby is a boy...and I could care less because everything was put into perspective when I saw him on the screen. He is MY child. So sorry, nope. Don't understand gender disappointment.
Being upset at the gender of your HEALTHY child is sickening to me. unlike the PP, I DO think there is something wrong with being "a little sad" or bummed or disappointed..whatever word you want to put on it.
Be happy you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child. Don't be sad because you won't be able to fulfill whatever preconceived notion you have for a particular gender-stereotyped relationship. Good God, what is wrong with people!
Baby C - 08.23.13
lol - pretty sure there are worst things out there.
Best of luck!
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a friend of mine is not finding out until delivery for the same reason. us, on the other hand, will find out the gender in november. I reallly want to know so I can start the nursery and get outfits ready and call him/her by their name, which we have had picked out for the past 2 yrs.
I am so glad you brought this up. I have one son, and my brother (only sibling) has two boys. I am really hoping this one is a girl, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up, because I feel like I will be dissapointed. I am only planning on having two children, so this is my last chance for a girl. Also the last chance for my mom n dad to have a grand-daughter. Both my dad and mom have mentioned that they are hoping for a girl too, The pressure is on!
I am really nervous to even find out the sex of my baby. I want to find out while Im by myself, because I know if i find out Im having a boy I will probably cry at first. I will be happy, of course for a healthy baby. But...you know.
Glad to hear someone else is having the same feelings about this because I was trying to stuff it down and act like I wouldnt really care.. Maybe I wont a year from now, but right now, I do!
I think there's always a little part in expected mother's who hope a little bit for a certain gender and I don't think that's bad. I wanted a girl with my first pregnancy and was excited when they announced she was, yet I still was saddened a bit for the loss of not having a boy, KWIM?
What peeves me is if someone finds out they have the opposite gender they were hoping for and they get really upset about it. That's just lame. There are so many ladies who would just beam to have the chance to have any sex, just to be able to have a baby. I know a couple girls who pouted after hearing the reveal and I just thought it was gross.
EDD 1/31/13, MC May 17. EDD 3/31/13, MC July 26. I miss you so much already my angel loves
My husband has always talked about wanting a daughter. I became nervous even before I was pregnant that if I had a boy, my husband wouldn't be as happy. However, my husband has said since I became pregnant, that he thinks this baby will be a boy and keeps referring to it as "he" and "him" and talking about boy names we can agree on. When I asked him if, deep down inside, he really still wanted a girl he said "I'm not going to waste a prayer on gender. I'll save all my prayers for health."
Of course, this is my first. If I already had a boy, or two or three, I'm not sure how I'd feel then. I'd probably long for a girl. But I'll still love every blessing I'm lucky enough to give birth to.
I agree!
Well said!
Way to completely miss the point of my post crazypants.
I think gender disappointment is very normal and a lot of people experience it. A mama I know has 2 girls and just found out her third, due in January, is another girl and she is upset.
My BFF was hoping for a boy and when SHE was born, of course couldn't be more in love.
I have a boy and would love a girl for a lot of reasons, one of them being a girl would have a lesser chance of having autism like my son does. However, my heart is not "set" on it and I would love another son so he could have a brother.
So yes, I think it's normal, but I'm hoping that those that experience it don't feel it for long.
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I actually haven't commented on this board yet (hi!) but I think this is a very interesting topic.
One of my best friends has said repeatedly that she "never wants a girl because boys always love their moms more". I think a lot of the gender preference is influenced by the relationship that we have with our own parents - women that have a bad relationship with their own mothers or that had rough teenage years may be more wary of having a little girl.
Obviously a healthy family will welcome either gender baby. But it is just as important to look at those emotions and try to figure out where they are coming from, otherwise that disappointment or surprise can get unhealthy REAL quick.
I do see how people can think i'm being a little extreme; I re-read what I wrote and I get it....lol. I didn't mean to come off being rude it's just frustrating to see high-risk pregnancies daily (I'm in healthcare and see a ton of OB) and witness wives apologizing to husbands when they find out the gender isn't what the other was expecting. I have also witnessed mother's being disappointed upon finding out the gender of their future child and then I get to walk into the next patient's room and tell someone else they're having a miscarriage and there's nothing we can do.
So I guess reality and perspective get slapped in my face on a daily basis.
Baby C - 08.23.13
aannndddd....i'm definitely not crazy. if you can't take the heat.....
Baby C - 08.23.13
It took me three years, 6 IUI's, and 2 IVFs to get pregnant. During that time, I had two miscarriages, and an ectopic pregnancy that cost me a tube and nearly killed me. So, I definitely have some perspective. However, when I finally got pregnant with my take home baby, I would be lying to say that I didn't hope for a girl. I knew there was a good chance that I would only be able to have one child, and I have always wanted a daughter, because I cherish the relationship that I have with my own mom.
If I had found out that I was having a boy, I certainly wouldn't have loved him any less, but I might have been slightly disappointed for a little bit. I definitely would have gotten over it quickly, though! Some people take gender disappointment way too far (having way more children than you ever really wanted in the hopes that the next one will be the "right" gender, for example), but I think it's normal to have a preference and to be a bit disappointed if you don't get that preference.
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When I first got pregnant with DD1, I was REALLY hoping for a boy. But then she came out and the Dr announced "It's a GIRL!" and I never thought twice about it. Now I must say I honestly that when I got pregnant for the second, and then third time, the thought of boy vs girl never really crossed my mind. OK maybe a little. I know DH would like a boy to pass down the family name. And I'm sort of used to having girls now, so I wouldn't mind another girl Looks like it's going to be a "win" either way