How do I tell him to leave?
Hey ladies,
Well a while ago, I posted about my other half being useless, and not interested in the baby or me, and pretty much carrying on living it up and drinking heavily.
Alot of people suggested to move away and life with my parents till babby was born.
Well I did, since around end of June, I've been living with my parents. I've been coping alot better and become more secure and confident. Now my "partner" has only been to visit me once in the time (it's only 2-3 hours away) I've been here which was a rather short weekend visit -to be honest I was grateful, as I was uncomfortable around him.
The week before he came up I said I was possibly gonna have a c-section as my doctors were concerned about my weak heart. He said awesome then I could tell him the date and be with me for the birth. Well, I hadn't considered this at all. In fact I didn't want him with me. So I tried to phase this in a delicate manner stating I didnt want him there, he asked me why not "She's my daughter". This made me laugh as he STILL hasn't bought ANYTHING for her.
So I politely asked him to answer a few of the questions on my birthplan and see if he thought he knew enough about MY birthplan to consider it. He didn't in fact he got everything wrong. Well he said he would learn and get better and do more. So I gave him that chance he did get better, he started to ask more questions, read up my pregnancy books I had left at our flat. But ofc it started to dwindle away again. He has gone back to a lack of interest and even when I mention her to him, he doesn't ask anything about her. But we can have a 45min conversation about movies.
So anyway. I have decided that, well I don't want him to be apart of my daughters life as he has been little of part of it now, but he suddenly decided that he is moving from our flat and he is moving to live with me and my parents for two months before moving back to Australia. He says this is so he can spend time with her after she is born. But I don't want him here, my parents don't want him here. I've told him that they aren't keen but he says, but she's my daughter they can't stop me from seeing her.
He has tried to encourage me to move back with him but the thought of being trapped in Australia with no friends, no family, no way home scares me to death, so I said no way, and he says he is going home and this means I need to organise moving my belongings out of the flat while still pregnant and I have no where to store them.
Well I've decided not to put him on the birth certificate, but I really just want him out of my life and out of her's. But I don't want to be a b/tch about it. I just feel we would be better off without him and the two months he is staying with us is gonna be extremely uncomfortable for me and for my parents. Plus since he wont be moving up till AFTER she born anyway now - since he has to finish his month notice at his workplace.
So how do I tell him, I don't want him in my life or hers?
Re: How do I tell him to leave?
The way to tell him is simply "After much thought, I have decided I do not want you to be a part of my or my daughter's life." Period. End of discussion.
If he wants to persue it, he will have to do it through a court order.
He cannot just move in with you and your parents without permission. So yes, you can stop him from seeing her. Again, if he wants visitation, he will have to start the process through the courts.
And given what you've described, it seems unlikely he will put in the effort.
Remember your priority is your health and the health and safety of your daughter.
Stay strong and steadfast in your decision. You are doing what you feel is best for your LO.
I'm confused as to how he can live in your parents' house without their permission. If they don't want him there and you don't want him there, then he cannot be there. End of story. He cannot just "decide" that he is moving into their house.
The fact that he hasn't bought anything for her doesn't make her not his daughter. But, if you've decided that you're not going to put him on the birth certificate, I would tell him that. I can't imagine how you would go about telling him so, because I would never refuse my SO access to his child.
Just a side note: I don't know your daughter's father or your situation, but I grew up without my father, and I would never deny a father the right to see his daughter if he actually wanted to participate in her life. He may not have read every single parenting book (to be honest, my SO hasn't - I usually just fill him in on whatever he needs to know, he asks questions about labor/delivery when he has them or looks it up online) or bought her anything, but if he's saying he wants to be there, he might genuinely want to be there. He is right, she is his daughter. The decision is ultimately yours, but I can tell you from experience, your daughter will want to know who her father is later in life and she might resent you for refusing them a relationship.
SCANDAL!
ALL of this. You really have to be strong now and not let him step all over you. It sounds like he knows that he can generally get you to do what he wants so he is being really pushy and telling you how everything is going to go.
This is me too. I had a great step-dad who raised me but my biological father died before I could meet him and that is something that hurts me so much in life.
Do not let him stay with you and your parents though, it will stress you out and that can effect your daughter. If he really wants to be a part of her life he will find somewhere close to stay so he can see her. A real father will do everything to be a part of his child's life, just make sure that if he wants to try he has an opportunity. From what you have said though, you won't have to give him many chances.
Well first of all, if you don't want him in your life why would you let him move in with you for 2 months? He may have a right to see his daughter (though he'd have to take you to court for visits) but that doesn't mean he has a right to live with you. I"m sorry, but that is just completely crazy.
Go plan a weekend and get help and get your stuff out of the flat. If you don't have a place to store it, get a storage unit or sell it or if you just don't want your stuff let him deal with it.
If you don't want him in her life, and don't want to get taken to court for visitation down the road at some point (potentially years later - one of my close friends had her baby daddy show up when her daughter was about 13 years old and sue for joint custody when he had been 100% absent up until that point. and the court GRANTED it to him). I would go see a lawyer, get the paperwork ready, and when you go get your stuff out of the flat sit down and ask him to sign over his rights. Since he is moving out of the country and won't be a part of her life anyways, you think this would be best.
He may not do it. It's his choice, and technically he is the father and would have some rights to his daughter if he wanted them. But you can ask.
There is no need to be polite to him. You need to be assertive with your wishes as the way you describe him he has the ability to manipulate you. I would just straight up tell him "You are not welcome to stay with my family we are not your caregivers. If you would like to be closer to be able to see your daughter for the few months in between moving then you should research a sublet and if you can't afford it you should have thought about that sooner. If you want to be in her life then you need to make changes so that she has consistancy and you need to make her your priority."
I am sure that came across as rude but that is just what I would do.
Oh, please don't move to Australia with him. That sounds miserable (not Australia, but only having him to rely on).
Get your parents or solicit other friends and family to help get your stuff out of the house you shared. It can be done.
He cannot just show up and move in with you and your parents if you don't want him to. If he's really interested, he can pay for a hotel or somewhere to stay. If he tries to bombard your parent's house, have them call the police.
If he's moving to Australia, he won't be involved in her life anyway. Definitely do not list him on the birth certificate. This guy sounds completely useless.
Sorry you're going through this.
You are going to have to take time to consider the pros & cons to removing him from your childs life. Seriously, sit down and write down the pros & cons then ponder if it's worth it. A little girl really does idealize her father, more than we may admit.
If you decide to go forward with the removal then consult a lawyer and consider having documents written up for him to sign in front of the lawyer waiving his rights. I doubt he'll sign it.
I would also meet in a public, mutual location with someone there to help you if something drastic happens and tell him you no longer want anything to do with him. But as stated, he does have the right to take you to court where you would have to show documentation of being in an unsafe enviroment.
He cannot just show up with a suitcase and demand to move in to your parents house. Your parents would have to deal with that one if it happens as they are the legal property owners/tenants. They would have to be the ones to call the police to report unauthorized trespassing. If that happens, consider a restraining order (again, it will require documentation of being unsafe in his presence)
I would not move out anywhere with this person, it does not sound safe if there's constant heavy drinking involved. If he wishes to move out of the country then that's his choice.
As PP's stated have some friends/family help you move your belongings or tell him they are his and he can deal with it.
But not talking about the baby 24/7 does not make him a bad person. DH & I don't talk about our family life all of the time. It's nice to take a break and talk about non-important things like politics, movies, TV shows, etc.
Best of luck, you have a tough decision to make.
All of this. My DD does not know her biological father and if I have any say she never will. She is better off with me and DH, no question.