3rd Trimester
Mother in Law Problems
My mother and law asked me a few months ago if she could be in the room with my hubby and I when we have the baby. I said no it would be umcomfortable for me. She said I am going to be in that room. I thought she was joking, so yesterday we were having a conversation and it came up, she said I cant wait to see the baby come out. I have no idea what else I can say to make her understand that she is not going to be in the room. Help me I do not want to hurt her feelings.
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Re: Mother in Law Problems
Have your husband tell her that you guys are serious about only him being in the room with you for the actual delivery. Then make sure you tell the nurses on the day of. They will ask her to leave when the time comes.
The trouble with making something up like "the hospital only allows one person" is that she can easily find out that isn't true. It's best not to lie. Just continue to stand your ground and have the nurses aware of the situation.
you may have to be blunt with her and say it will be just you and DH. or you can say only H is allowed in the room per the hospital so she doesnt get upset with you, but that could always backfire if she happens to call the hospital to check (some MIL are BSC like that)
I don't know about the hospital where you'll be giving birth, but at my labor and delivery tour the guide/nurse brought up this exact situation (someone wants to be in the room and you don't want them there) and she said to let them know, because it is part of their job to ensure that your delivery is minimum stress, and that includes getting people to leave the room if you don't want them there. So make sure you let everyone know that under no circumstances is there to be anyone else in the room during delivery than you and your husband.
ETA: As far as telling her, you can mention again it will be you and your husband, but you've already told her once. It's not your job to keep reminding her of your wishes. Tell her, and then let the nurse handle it.
That advice always makes me roll my eyes. Everyone is an adult in this situation, there's no need to lie. AND if you start letting your MIL think you're spineless now, she's going to trample all over your parenting decisions when the baby arrives, as well. You and your DH need to nip this - if it comes up again, you say "as we've talked about before, we think this is a moment for just the two of us to experience. You'll meet the baby as soon as we're all ready for company."
And if all else fails, you call security on the nut job. Yikes.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
In Law's are hard to deal with. I would just tell her again and make sure that your husband is going to support you and back you up in this. That would really pi** me off if she was just ignoring me. Although, I have a loud mouth and don't have any problem telling people how I feel.
Are you able to be blunt with her, or are you kind of beating around the bush and beinig meek. Your vagaina, your rules.
I'm sorry, but I think her feelings are going to have to be hurt. You and/or your husband need to express to her that this is just not going to happen. I think the truth is best--if it's true that the hospital limits the number allowed in and you're at that limit, that's a great reason, but if it isn't true she'll find out as pps said. If it's that you want it to be just the two of you, tell her that. Honestly, it's going to be harder to express to her if you have tons of other people planning to be there--but it's your birth and your comfort level. She doesn't need to understand, but she needs to respect your wishes.
I would segue the "you aren't going to be in the room" convo into making plans for her to come visit as soon as is feasible, so she knows that you care about her--you aren't trying to shut her out, just setting limits on who's in the room.
This. And I just have to say Wow to the number of posts I see where relatives try to insert themselves into the baby's birth. I really can't imagine anyone in either of our families insisting upon being there if we said no.
Oh, deer, yes. These posts make me very grateful for my family, and my in-laws, who are all the "stay out of your business" types. The most my parents have insisted is that they want to be at the hospital when I deliver, and they would like to see her after that, although they don't care if that takes an hour or three. They're just excited.
BFP#1 10 wk missed mc
BFP#2 DS born at 40+2 on 8/14/12 BFP#3 DD Born at 39+3 on 5/13/14
Have your DH tell her no. Tell the nurses, when you get to the hospital that your MIL may show up and that she is not allowed in under any circumstances. Don't tell her when you go into labor.
I agree with this completely. You've told her no...a reminder might be nice, but it isn't your job to make sure she "understands" your wishes.
Personally, I wouldn't worry about it. When I had #1 they specifically asked me who I wanted in the room and those were the only ones the hospital would permit. Just make it clear when you are admitted.
It wouldn't hurt to have your husband put a bird in her ear that you want it to just be you and your husband. Make sure however you make it clear that you do however want her to be involved in your families life, just not when your giving birth!
Dexter 08/31/2012~Summer 07/25/2011~Jack 10/21/2008~Aaron 08/12/2007
I think a three-fold plan might be nice:
1) have DH reiterate the plan (or you tell her one final time)- either way, be nice and firm- we're having this baby together; we'll call you when it's visiting time; the end.
2) let the nurses know that she's not welcome for the actual birth
3) don't tell her when you're headed to the hospital (unless there's a reason she needs to know).
Will her feelings be hurt? Maybe, but since you've already told her your wishes and she's ignoring them, I sorta feel like hurt feelings are okay, YKWIM?
It seems like she just wants to be a part of it really badly; if you're comfortable with her playing a different role, then let her know. Maybe she'll be the first visitor (or whatever you choose) and that might be enough. But I agree with the PPs that mentioned that you don't want to start off the baby's life with your MIL calling the shots despite your wishes.
Don't let her in the room. End of story.
Don't walk on egg shells with her. Tell her "No". You don't have to even tell her your in labor, let her know once the baby is already born. Have your husband or boyfriend also get involved and have him tell his mother to back off and respect your wishes.
I always see these posts of the woman always being the one to carry the burden of dealing with the MIL....where the hell is the husband? He needs to get involved and stand up to HIS mother.
Exactly. Be honest, and stand up to her (kindly). "Mom, we've told you that it will just be the two of us when LO is born." Lather, rinse, repeat. There is no discussion to be had.
this.
That kind of sounds creepy. My mom and DH were in the room with me for DS, but she stayed up by my head so she didn't see anything. I felt like I wasn't getting the support from DH though and my mom lives really far away.
I had my MIL in the room with my first birth. This wasn't the original birth plan. She had her head right there in all the action and pretty much saw my kidney's that day. On video after the baby was born you can hear her making stupid comments, I hated having her there.
With my second pregnancy, she just sort of assumed that since she saw my daughter born that she could be there to see my son come out. I simply told her straight out that it wasn't happening. She tried once more by testing the waters and casually asking again but I told her again that it was just going to be her son and I. She shut up after that.
Just tell her, bluntly, that there is no way in h e l l that she is stepping in that room. And that you will be happy to have someone call her after the baby is born. And that if she steps one foot in the direction of that hospital room, you will have the security guards remove her from the hospital.
Have your DH back you up & make sure the nurses are aware.
The bottom line is, that is your body which is giving birth, and you are the one who needs to be comfortable. Your wishes are what matter and now is the time to be firm with her about what makes you comfortable. You will regret it if you don't. Maybe sit down with her and DH and tell her once more and let it be done. It's not something that's up for discussion or debate.
Hope things work out for you
Seriously, as a second time mom, my advice is you need to NIP this behavior right now before it gets out of hand. You think it's bad before you give birth? Just wait until baby gets here. She won't listen to a thing you say. This is such a special moment - probably the most intimate moment of your life. You absolutely have a right to decide who will be there, and anyone who questions your judgment on that is just being disrespectful of you. She's testing the boundaries and I believe it's important that you set some firm boundaries now. The more the boundaries are crossed, the harder it will be to change things in the future.
In my opinion, it's your husband's job to be the bearer of bad news. He can sugar-coat it or he can hand her the news as honest as it comes - whatever he does, he needs to communicate clearly that you guys, as a couple, have decided that only ___ and____ (insert whoever will be there - that's up to you!) will be there for the delivery.
He needs to also be clear on whether or not anyone is invited to be at the hospital or when she will be invited to see the baby. It's not up to her - it's up to you guys to decide. She had her moment when she delivered DH, now it's your moment.
Personally, I would NOT pull the "the hospital only allows xyz in the room" or something like that. Because that makes it seem like you WANT her there which isn't the truth. Just be honest - and he needs to make it clear that it is non-negotiable. He could also tell her that it's not up for discussion any further because nothing she says is going to change anything.
People might not think it's a big deal to have someone there that you don't want. It's a huge deal. Not only is this a very special moment for you and your husband, but having someone there who you are uncomfortable with could slow your labor or even stall it, causing complications. The body is amazing in the way that hormones work - and stress hormones DO affect the labor and delivery process.
Good luck, you'll feel so good after you lay the ground rules. We personally opt to not call anyone to tell them that we're in labor at all and just call after baby is born because we don't want the stress of people calling and saying "how are things going" or texting us and bothering us. We don't want anyone at the hospital waiting - that makes me feel pressured - but that's a personal preference. We called our family about 10 min after baby was born and that was the first phone call they received. We prefer our privacy. Personally, if I had a MIL who obviously didn't respect what I was telling her, I wouldn't want her waiting in the waiting room b/c she might just stir the pot and cause trouble (coming into the room uninvited, etc).
Finally, you need to make sure to talk to your husband about how disrespectful it is of your MIL to so rudely ignore your wishes. You are up for a challenge in the future, I predict!
This. You told her once. Have DH reiterate and then make sure your nurses know that only your husband can be present. They'll kick her out.
There is more than one option here:
1. Tell her straight that you do not want her there, that, after all, it is you who has a baby, is naked and in pain, so you get to make the rules about it. Whatever needs to be said, say it.
2. Do not call her when you go to the hospital. Have your DH call her afterwards.
3. Tell the nurses you don't want her in there. They will keep her out.
4. You husband needs to talk to her and be clear about it.
On a personal note, I don't get it. When did having a baby become a spectator sport? WHY does everybody and their cousin think it is a fantastic idea to watch someone giving birth?! For me, it is something my husband and I started, and we will experience it together. Well, us and whoever has a job to do, really, but we snuffed any demands from family really quickly.
This, absolutely this.
Do not lie, it suggests you WANT her there.
You both need to grow a spine and make it clear she won't be in there, and leave it at that. If you are nice but firm and she gets hurt, then that is her problem. If she can't see that is not about her as a person and about how you and your DH want to experience the birth of your child then she is beyond selfish.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old