Babies: 9 - 12 Months

BFF scheduled her baby shower on my son's 1st Birthday Party

My BFF scheduled her baby shower on my son's 1st birthday party. She was in the room when I delivered him. Of all dates, I thought for sure she would recall his birthday. Apparently she didn't. I received her invite to her baby shower this week, scheduled on the same day as my son's birthday party (In September). My son is her godson. When I said something she remarked that she was taking childbirth classes the two days before her shower, and her husbands has off that weekend, and that's why they chose the date. Problem is that when I mentioned the scheduling conflict, she had the nerve to ask me if I would change the date/time of my son's birthday party to accomadate her shower. What boiled my blood was that she was unwilling to change the date or time of her shower at all. Pretty much told me it was set in stone and if I wanted her there I would have to change my son's birthday party to a different time, or select a different day. Is it me or does this seem rude? I can't change when my son's birthday is (he was lucky enough to manage to not be like his Mama who shares her birthday with Thanksgiving every 7 years) and by a stroke of luck it fell on a weekend day when all of my out of state family will be in town. Furthermore, she doesn't see that asking me to change my son's birthday party was rude and self-centered. Am I the only one who thinks her logic is ridiculous?
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Re: BFF scheduled her baby shower on my son's 1st Birthday Party

  • If the party is on his actual birthday, I would simply tell her that you're sorry she's unavailable to come to the party.  If she still says you need to change the party to accomodate her, say that the party has been scheduled - just like her baby shower - and won't be rescheduled just to accomodate one person. 

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  • Yes his party is on his actual birthday. That's why I was so tickled it worked out perfectly, family in from out of state, on a weekend...etc. I was really hoping to make it to her shower, she's pregnant with her first after TTC after 2 miscarriages, and while I love and am thrilled for her, I feel it would be not only bad parenting to let her shower (a celebration of another child) to take precedence over my son's birthday, but it would seem like I'm allowing her celebration to be more important than my son's. I am just floored that she really see's nothing wrong with the day she picked, asking me to change my son's birthday party, or most of all, thinking that how she went about it all was fine and perfectly in line.
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  • Weird? Yes.

    Rude? Probably. I can see where you're coming from and I wouldn't be thrilled either.

    However, no matter how close you are to someone, at the end of the day birthdays are one of those events that really only matter to the person having the birthday. Not sound brash but it's not a National Holiday, so life goes on.

    Just like it was the only weekend that worked for your party, It may have been the only weekend that worked for her too. Maybe she has out of town family, another friend she really wanted their, work schedule issues, a close family member with a ton of plans, 16 weddings for the next 16 Saturdays. Who knows.

    I wouldn't let it get to you. No one can be everywhere all of the time. Play the bigger person and say, "I'm a bit sad our parties fall on the same day! However, I understand. You enjoy yours and tell me about it after and I'll enjoy mine and we'll catch up later." Then send a nice gift. IMO, birthday parties and baby showers are not big can't miss events in the grand scheme of life.

    And as for her asking you to change the party just simply say, "I can't. We have a lot of out of town guests making plans for it and the invites are out." Then leave it at that. It was so, so strange she asked you to do that, but remember pregnant women get wrapped up in their own little universe too easily sometimes.

  • My friend got married on Tim's birthday last year, it was annoying but there wasn't much I could do it. It worked for them and I;m sure she didn't pick it to annoy me.

    I was annoyed because I wanted his party on his actual birthday, but such is life. I went to the wedding for a little bit and then left early so I could spend the rest of the day with Tim on his birthday

    It's possible, that date worked best for your friend for whatever reason. I'm sure she wasn't trying to stir anything up by picking that date

    I think they only thing that would make it awkward is if you decide to keep the party the same day and have the same group of friends causing people to choose a birthday party or a shower.

     

    Ok I'm done rambling. 

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  • I think it's a little rude of her to expect you to change your party.  I wouldn't change it though.  It would just be one of those things where I would miss her shower and she would miss my child's 1st birthday party.  I certainly wouldn't change it for one person.  Birthdays are a big deal in my family, so a lot of planning went into DD's first bday party last month.  If your LO's bday fell during the week, I would just say change it to the other weekend (before or after), but since it's actually that weekend, I wouldn't change your party.
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  • I definitely think it is rude and A LOT does go into planning a first birthday party. Usually there is someone else planning a shower, unlike you who are planning your son's 1st on your own. I'd be mad. 
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  • I know how you feel. My son's godfather set his wedding for my son's birthday. I was furious. He could have chosen any day for the wedding but my son's birthday is predetermined. Needless to say we will not be attending the wedding. I will be enjoying my child!
  • *GASP*  You mean someone doesn't think that your child's birthday should take precedence over something in her life?!?!?  How dare she?  She should be calling up the person who was kind enough to offer to throw her a shower and insist that they change the date, despite other dates not working as well, because, well..YOU expect it.  I mean, it wouldn't cause any trouble, invitiation haven't gone out or anything...oh wait...they have! 

    You expecting her to change her date and then getting mad that she dare suggest that you change your date is a little rediculous.  I think you calling her up expecting her to change her date is the rude and self-centred part.  Was she right in suggesting that you change your date?  Probably not, but she was probably also hurt that you would expect her to change the date for a party that invitations have already been sent out for. 

    Seriously, get over yourself. Your one year old son is not going to a) know b) care or c) remember whether or not his birthday party was on his exact birthday. It's clear that you have a bit of an entitlement issue, afterall, how dare Thanksgiving fall on your birthday once every 7 years?!?!?

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  • Her logic is no more ridiculous than your own. Can't you see your both guilty of the same thing? Wanting the other person to change their day. Keep your day if it works bet for you but just don't get all pissy that she does the same thing. Missing a baby shower or a birthday is simply not the end of the world, life will go on and hopefully you can let this go so your friendship can go on too.
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  • imageAccounting Chick:
    *GASP*  You mean someone doesn't think that your child's birthday should take precedence over something in her life?!?!?  How dare she?  She should be calling up the person who was kind enough to offer to throw her a shower and insist that they change the date, despite other dates not working as well, because, well..YOU expect it.  I mean, it wouldn't cause any trouble, invitiation haven't gone out or anything...oh wait...they have! 

    You expecting her to change her date and then getting mad that she dare suggest that you change your date is a little rediculous.  I think you calling her up expecting her to change her date is the rude and self-centred part.  Was she right in suggesting that you change your date?  Probably not, but she was probably also hurt that you would expect her to change the date for a party that invitations have already been sent out for. 

    Seriously, get over yourself. Your one year old son is not going to a) know b) care or c) remember whether or not his birthday party was on his exact birthday. It's clear that you have a bit of an entitlement issue, afterall, how dare Thanksgiving fall on your birthday once every 7 years?!?!?

    That was kind of a rude response. 

    Actually, I think it is was kind of weird that she planned her baby shower on the same day. She isn't "just a friend" as some posters have said- she is the child's Godmother. That is a really big deal.

    Maybe she picked that day without thinking (although it seems kind of unlikely considering how involved her role is supposed to be with your child).

    Anyway, I'd tell her that you're sorry that you cannot be there for her shower and would love to meet up the following week to talk all about both babies and swap gifts. I would NOT change the date of your party (especially considering that you already said that it is the only date that works for out of town family). I would also not expect her to change her shower date. It is probably the only date that works for her family and invitations have already been sent out. It seems that both parties are set in stone, and I wouldn't risk your friendship over these events. Put a smile on your face and try to not take it personally. She is probably just very excited to finally be having a baby after two miscarriages and probably thinks its just her turn to have the spotlight.

    I'd definitely chose a family member as a godparent for the next child, though!

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  • I think you're overreacting.  I'm making an assumption here that you have NOT sent out invitations for your son's birthday.  She has sent invitations to her party.  As much as you think it would common knowledge that you would have your son's party on his actual birthday, lots of people have them on a different day for scheduling reasons.  I don't think her asking if you could change it was rude and she was likely looking at it from the point of one being finalized with mailed invites and one still in the planning stages.  I can understand that you don't want to but I guarantee she doesn't yet realize that a 1st birthday is a big deal.  She's got a big deal going on in her world right now and it's different from your big deal.  Neither is better.  Different.
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  • You're out-of-state family isn't in town for 2 days, just 1?  If so, or your invites are already out, or the day is that important to you, I would try to do both parties if possible.  For example, BFF comes to the 1st hr of the birthday and you go to the last hour of the baby shower.  If not, you could miss each other's parties and mutually (and kindly) agree to celebrate together another day (more celebration!).  Otherwise, I would consider rescheduling my DD's birthday or having two parties (more celebration!).  For example, for the birthday out-of-state family a small party on the day and the big party on other day.

    I might be sad, but not offended.  Since you are offended, I wonder if there is more to it than this request.  I hope you two work it out.  It's going to be even trickier once there are multiple children and naptimes involved!  GL.

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  • Asking someone to change their child's birthday party for their baby shower is about as rude and self-centered as asking someone to change their baby shower for their child's birthday party.

    I understand the desire to throw a first birthday party, I'll probably do one.  But you do understand that it's all about you, right, and that your LO doesn't know and doesn't care what is going on and what day the party falls on?  If it's important for you to be at your BFF's shower, then cange the date or time of the bday party.  Otherwise, send your regrets and life goes on.

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  • I would do your son's bday party when you want to.  If she can't make it, that is too bad.  If its that important for you to have her there, change your date? 

    I would still do whats best for your family though.

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  • I think you are being dramatic. Your baby is going to be one. Yes, its a big deal for you, but not really for anyone else. You have many more years to throw birthday parties, years that your child will actually remember. If we were in this situation, my BFF and I would agree that it stinks that we didn't coordinate better and we'd be sorry to miss each other's events. Then we'd move on because we are adults. 
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  • imageLalaMama81:

    I think you are overreacting. As important as our children and their birthday's are to us - it is not the same for our friends. 

    I would not change the date or time of my child's birthday if it was already set. If it wasn't set or if invites hadn't gone out, I might try to change the time if it allowed me to pop into the shower, but most likely I wouldn't worry about it. I would be annoyed that she expected me to change my child's party to accommodate hers, but since you seem to expect her to do the same, I guess that doesn't work. 

    You each picked a time and date that worked best for your event and planned accordingly. Unfortunately, you picked the same one. It stinks that you both can't share in the other's celebration, but that's life. 

     

    All of this.  Plus her shower is quite likely (hopefully) not being put on by her.  She may've had to work with what weekends were good for the hosts, plus her and her hubby, etc...the same as you did. 

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  • imageLalaMama81:

    imagetiffitaya718:
    I know how you feel. My son's godfather set his wedding for my son's birthday. I was furious. He could have chosen any day for the wedding but my son's birthday is predetermined. Needless to say we will not be attending the wedding. I will be enjoying my child!

    Really? If this person is your son's godfather, I'd think they were an important person in your life. You will really skip this once in a lifetime event - a wedding, which is HUGE, b/c you are mad it's on your son's bday?

    I just don't get it. There are only 365 days in a year. Only 52 Saturdays (common party and wedding day). There will be overlap.

    In this situation, I'd probably laugh, say it's funny that it's DDs bday, too, but how fun b/c I'll always remember the date! Then I'd plan her birthday either the weekend before or the weekend after and assume the godparent would be sitting this one out b/c of wedding/honeymoon plans.

    Kids don't care when we celebrate their birthday.  

    My thoughts exactly! Have you ever planned a wedding? There are sooo many factors that go into setting a date. Venue availability, other vender availability, personal significance of dates, your schedule, your fiance's schedule, your close family's various schedules, regional weather, seasonal considerations....now couples are supposed to add "groom's friend's child's birthday" to the list????

    Is it just me, or have 1st birthday parties recently, inexplicably morphed into these gargantuan events that somehow require months of preparation, complicated themes, long guest lists, and rigorous social expectations? It's exciting to us when our children have birthdays, but it's unreasonable to expect that our friends and family will plan their lives around them. 

  • Wow....my BFF and I have missed several important events in each others lives. We take pictures, and share our experiences with one another. To expect her to be there at my every beck & call is immature and ridiculous.
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  • imagePinkpeppers:
    Her logic is no more ridiculous than your own. Can't you see your both guilty of the same thing? Wanting the other person to change their day. Keep your day if it works bet for you but just don't get all pissy that she does the same thing. Missing a baby shower or a birthday is simply not the end of the world, life will go on and hopefully you can let this go so your friendship can go on too.
    This sums up my take on this.

    The amount of emotional investment people tack onto these events these days is stunning to me.  

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  • imageMommySept13:
    My BFF scheduled her baby shower on my son's 1st birthday party. She was in the room when I delivered him. Of all dates, I thought for sure she would recall his birthday. Apparently she didn't. I received her invite to her baby shower this week, scheduled on the same day as my son's birthday party (In September). My son is her godson. When I said something she remarked that she was taking childbirth classes the two days before her shower, and her husbands has off that weekend, and that's why they chose the date. Problem is that when I mentioned the scheduling conflict, she had the nerve to ask me if I would change the date/time of my son's birthday party to accomadate her shower. What boiled my blood was that she was unwilling to change the date or time of her shower at all. Pretty much told me it was set in stone and if I wanted her there I would have to change my son's birthday party to a different time, or select a different day. Is it me or does this seem rude? I can't change when my son's birthday is (he was lucky enough to manage to not be like his Mama who shares her birthday with Thanksgiving every 7 years) and by a stroke of luck it fell on a weekend day when all of my out of state family will be in town. Furthermore, she doesn't see that asking me to change my son's birthday party was rude and self-centered. Am I the only one who thinks her logic is ridiculous?

    How do you ever get through those years where your birthday falls on Thanksgiving?? It must be so hard to not be the center of universe that year. Confused

    I think it's funny that you are insulted and think she's rude and self-centered to ask you to reschedule the party when you also asked her to reschedule her shower.

    As PP's said, a lot of time and planning go into a baby shower and that time and effort most likely falls into someone else's hands. Your LO will not remember who was there and who wasn't, and will definitely not remember or realize if his party was on his exact birthday.

    I think you're being unreasonable and self-centered.

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  • So since she asked you to do the same thing you asked of her shes rude? Babies birthdays happen every year, her baby shower will not. I think your being selfish shes had two miscarriages trying to build her family and you think shes for not giving up the day to celebrate her coming into motherhood. I hope you get a bit of perspective and dont wreck a friendship
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  • Are both parties scheduled to be 24 hours?  Each one should be, what, 2-3 hours?  If it is sooooo important for her to be at the birthday party (and I personally don't get parents having their friends at their kids b-day parties unless they have a kid that is friends with your kid), if her shower is in the morning, have yours in the afternoon, or vice versa. 

    There, problem solved.

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  • imageLiz4444:

    Are both parties scheduled to be 24 hours?  Each one should be, what, 2-3 hours?  If it is sooooo important for her to be at the birthday party (and I personally don't get parents having their friends at their kids b-day parties unless they have a kid that is friends with your kid), if her shower is in the morning, have yours in the afternoon, or vice versa. 

    There, problem solved.

    Damnit, Liz.  Stop telling women that they're NOT the center of the universe!!  You're so mean.

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  • imageLiz4444:

    Are both parties scheduled to be 24 hours?  Each one should be, what, 2-3 hours?  If it is sooooo important for her to be at the birthday party (and I personally don't get parents having their friends at their kids b-day parties unless they have a kid that is friends with your kid), if her shower is in the morning, have yours in the afternoon, or vice versa. 

    There, problem solved.

    Wait...what?  A logical solution?  What kind of black magic is this??

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  • Is she planning her own shower?

    Anyway, I would send a gift but not go. The plans have been made on both of your parts and neither of you should have asked the other to change your plans. 

    With that said, DS's playgroup friends all have November birthdays and for the 1st bday parties, the moms all planned parties around one another so nothing overlapped. And we are hardly BFFs.

  • Thats frustrating that the wedding date is set as the same day as your son's bday BUT in all fairness, he couldn't have "chosen any day for the wedding".  There are so many factors that go into this-maybe that was the only day the venue had available, etc.  I think its sad that you say you will not be attending the wedding - this is a once in a lifetime thing!  Maybe you could have the bday party during the day and then attend the wedding reception?  In the long run, your anger may make you regret missing his big day.  Maybe you could also suggest you get together after the wedding/honeymoon so celebrate your son's birthday with him....I'm sure it is important to him too.
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  • imagetiffitaya718:
    I know how you feel. My son's godfather set his wedding for my son's birthday. I was furious. He could have chosen any day for the wedding but my son's birthday is predetermined. Needless to say we will not be attending the wedding. I will be enjoying my child!

     

    Sorry my post was in response to this

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  • imageMommySept13:
    Yes his party is on his actual birthday. That's why I was so tickled it worked out perfectly, family in from out of state, on a weekend...etc. I was really hoping to make it to her shower, she's pregnant with her first after TTC after 2 miscarriages, and while I love and am thrilled for her, I feel it would be not only bad parenting to let her shower (a celebration of another child) to take precedence over my son's birthday, but it would seem like I'm allowing her celebration to be more important than my son's. I am just floored that she really see's nothing wrong with the day she picked, asking me to change my son's birthday party, or most of all, thinking that how she went about it all was fine and perfectly in line.

    If she is your true BFF why aren't you throwing her a shower?

    Also, I think your true colors really come out in this post. WOW. 

     

  • Ok, to clarify for ALL of you. When she suggested that I change my son's party to a different date, she was still unwilling to attend because she would be at her childbrith classes that day. This is why I am so upset. She asked me to change the day of my son's party, because it was the same day of her baby shower, so as not to "take away from her day". I don't discount the importance of her day by any means. We both were TTC. I tried for 6 yrs, she had 2 miscarriages, we both understand how wonderful it is to have a child after extreme diffculty. My family will be in for the weekend, however when they are here I have an Uncle who's a train/railroad nut, they spend their entire Saturday visiting various train station/sight-seeing, hence why that Sunday was the best pic, it's the usual day all the family gets together.

    As for my Thanksgiving reference for my birthday: my family thought the idea while I was growing up to put my candles in a pumpkin pie was not only funny, but less work. Hence my not-so-wonderful affection for a birthday that falls on a holiday. Kind of like my mother's request that her birthday (5 days after Christmas) presents NOT come wrapped in Christmas paper. It's the whole, your bithday is less important today because it falls on a holiday, so sorry for you.

    I would not be so upset, but she is an important person in my son's life. She should of remembered this date. But her unwillingness to move her date, as she is throwing her own shower, and expecting me to move my son's party is the bugger of it. Official invites were not already sent out. It was an invite on a social media site. Not the official in the mail card, return the RSVP. I guess it's the "I expect you to move your date, but I will not change or compromise my own." That is what I am having an issue with. Why expect someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself? <----that right there is why I am upset.

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  • imageMommySept13:

    Ok, to clarify for ALL of you. When she suggested that I change my son's party to a different date, she was still unwilling to attend because she would be at her childbrith classes that day. This is why I am so upset. She asked me to change the day of my son's party, because it was the same day of her baby shower, so as not to "take away from her day". I don't discount the importance of her day by any means. We both were TTC. I tried for 6 yrs, she had 2 miscarriages, we both understand how wonderful it is to have a child after extreme diffculty. My family will be in for the weekend, however when they are here I have an Uncle who's a train/railroad nut, they spend their entire Saturday visiting various train station/sight-seeing, hence why that Sunday was the best pic, it's the usual day all the family gets together.

    As for my Thanksgiving reference for my birthday: my family thought the idea while I was growing up to put my candles in a pumpkin pie was not only funny, but less work. Hence my not-so-wonderful affection for a birthday that falls on a holiday. Kind of like my mother's request that her birthday (5 days after Christmas) presents NOT come wrapped in Christmas paper. It's the whole, your bithday is less important today because it falls on a holiday, so sorry for you.

    I would not be so upset, but she is an important person in my son's life. She should of remembered this date. But her unwillingness to move her date, as she is throwing her own shower, and expecting me to move my son's party is the bugger of it. Official invites were not already sent out. It was an invite on a social media site. Not the official in the mail card, return the RSVP. I guess it's the "I expect you to move your date, but I will not change or compromise my own." That is what I am having an issue with. Why expect someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself? <----that right there is why I am upset.

    Neither one of you should have asked the other to change your plans. 

    With that said, she is getting a huge side eye from me for planning her own shower. 

  • Since it was asked but not answered, why are you not hosting or co-hosting the shower? I'm confused about how a scheduling conflict could ever arise in this situation.
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  • Would of hosted it for her with joy! But she beat me and all her family and friends to the punch because of her schedule and her husband's rotating schedule for work. Without getting into specifics, her other BFF is pregnant as well and busy with her own pregnancy so she is pre-occupied with hosting her own as well.

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  • imageMommySept13:

    because of her schedule and her husband's rotating schedule for work.

    Putting the side-eye to the side for the moment of her planning her own shower - my DH works a lot of weekends to the point that we don' thave a lot of flexibility when it comes to planning stuff.

    If between her and her DH they have a crazy schedule, she may have picked the only day that worked for them.  Is it o.k. to be sad she can't be at your party?  Sure.  But I just feel that there is more going on here than you're actually letting us in on. 

    Bottom line- no event is a "must attend" event for anyone.  No one's life, except yours, is going to revolve around your baby.

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  • imageMommySept13:

    Would of hosted it for her with joy! But she beat me and all her family and friends to the punch because of her schedule and her husband's rotating schedule for work. Without getting into specifics, her other BFF is pregnant as well and busy with her own pregnancy so she is pre-occupied with hosting her own as well.

    Obviously she didn't choose the same date out of spite; obviously she can't have a baby shower if she is working.

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  • It must be difficult to be BFF with someone who is just as self centered as you are.

     Honestly, you're both pissed at the other about the overlapping plans, you think your son's birthday is the end all be all and she's hosting her own shower. You both need to lighten up. 

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  • Why was my genius idea completely ignored by the OP?  Because it made too much sense?
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  • Just wanted to point something out for you to be mindful of in the future.  As kids get older, you have more children, they attend school, etc.  You are going to miss a lot more birthdays and parties.  For example: my BFF has 3 kids...all of which I have taken my kids to all 3 of their birthday parties this year.  I even received invitations for other parties around the time of her kids' parties and I called her to see if she scheduled hers yet - to give her preference.  Now, both of my girls' birthdays fall this month - we are having one party for the two of them.  Guess who can't come to their birthday?  It happens.  As one poster said, if she is TRULY your BFF - I would really want to be available for her shower.  I would consider moving the time of my kiddo's birthday just so I could attend for a little bit - even if she can't attend your child's birthday.  It really is very special for her - the two of you will have LOADS of birthday parties down the road.

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  • imageExpectantSteelerFan:

    Honestly though, I think you are being just as self-centered as you are accusing her of being.

    This. FWIW, I also "share" my birthday with Thanksgiving, but I'm old enough now that I'm at the point where I. don't. care. I don't have birthday parties anymore, and the only people that should remember (my mother and my husband) do.

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  • imageMommySept13:

    Ok, to clarify for ALL of you. When she suggested that I change my son's party to a different date, she was still unwilling to attend because she would be at her childbrith classes that day. This is why I am so upset. She asked me to change the day of my son's party, because it was the same day of her baby shower, so as not to "take away from her day". I don't discount the importance of her day by any means. We both were TTC. I tried for 6 yrs, she had 2 miscarriages, we both understand how wonderful it is to have a child after extreme diffculty. My family will be in for the weekend, however when they are here I have an Uncle who's a train/railroad nut, they spend their entire Saturday visiting various train station/sight-seeing, hence why that Sunday was the best pic, it's the usual day all the family gets together.

    As for my Thanksgiving reference for my birthday: my family thought the idea while I was growing up to put my candles in a pumpkin pie was not only funny, but less work. Hence my not-so-wonderful affection for a birthday that falls on a holiday. Kind of like my mother's request that her birthday (5 days after Christmas) presents NOT come wrapped in Christmas paper. It's the whole, your bithday is less important today because it falls on a holiday, so sorry for you.

    I would not be so upset, but she is an important person in my son's life. She should of remembered this date. But her unwillingness to move her date, as she is throwing her own shower, and expecting me to move my son's party is the bugger of it. Official invites were not already sent out. It was an invite on a social media site. Not the official in the mail card, return the RSVP. I guess it's the "I expect you to move your date, but I will not change or compromise my own." That is what I am having an issue with. Why expect someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself? <----that right there is why I am upset.

    Dude, she is having a baby after experiencing two losses. I don't think your son's birthday is at the forefront of her mind and it is entirely possible that she forgot it was his birthday. I can't remember any of my friend's children's birthdays.

    You are being really sensitive and making a much bigger deal about this that is called for.

    Chill our, drink some wine, take a Xanax (it will help, trust me on that).

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  • You already got the invite to the shower, not much else you can do. Invitations already went out, either plan your party before hers or after hers, or do it another day, or do it and not have her there.

     

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