Can I stir sumshit up?

IrishCoffee7 · July 2012

Is anyone still here?

I just have to add that with all of the blow ups about things spouses are allowed to do, not allowed to do, forced to do...I simply don't get the concept of having to "make" your spouse do something or not do something. I EXPECT him to step up, be an adult, and live up to his responsibilities in life. And if he wasn't man enough to do that because that's what people do, rather than because I "made" him, then I honestly don't think we'd be married.

The concept is foreign to me. I'm not being snarky, I just keep seeing references to it. I don't have control of my husband, but I don't need it. He's an adult. We're a united front. We make compromises, accomodate each other, and want each other to be happy even if that means we have to suck up our own personal comfort sometimes or do something we'd rather not.

I don't know why this is bugging me. Maybe because I'm pretty laid back in general and I don't consider asking my husband to be an adult and a partner controlling.

::sits back and waits for the flames::

Venus04d · July 2012

Word.

Wufroggy79 · July 2012

I agree with you for my own relationship, but I know other folks that need to parent their husbands because they are still little boys.

wife1014 · July 2012

Literally walking out the door to play. I will be back on this one. Read it quickly and I think I agree.

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

Oh.

Heather R · July 2012

Expectations, eh? I don't think you're a cool enough wife.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

::sits on bench with Irish:: I couldn't agree more. I mean, sometimes we tell each other that xyz function is important and then we support each other. I don't think I could handle a marriage to someone that I had to make do things, or conversely felt that I was being made to do things. I wouldn't be happy that way.

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

AGmomof3 · July 2012

No flames - I completely agree! I guess I really thought about some of those things when I was dating/looking for a spouse. It was also covered in our premarital counseling - so we discussed a lot of things prior to getting married. The counseling was great!

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

justAphase:

No flames from me. But I understand there are times we may not agree on something and I might have to do some convincing. So far SO has been great with knowing what's important to me. Generally the only times I have to really make him do something is like, watching Water for Elephants instead of Paranormal Activity.

I joked about making him come home from a bachelor party, but really I just called him and told him I needed help, and he was happy to come home (ok, maybe not happy, but he knew it was the right thing to do).

Yup. This happens a lot in our house.

Kitiara5512 · July 2012

twatley:
I don't parent my husband, either. But that's not to say that some husbands don't need parenting.
People make shitty decisions. Sometimes those decisions include marrying douchebags who haven't grown up. Those are the women who generally have to "make" their spouses do things.

ITA. And sometimes they aren't intentional douchebags, they just have not been parented all that well before marriage and therefore need to be taught to be all grown up now.

ASmallWonder · July 2012

I agree with you. That's why my post below was about me not even wanting to give an answer on this cookout. We'll work through it. In our relationship you do what you're supposed to do and beyond that, you do what you want to do as long as it's not screwing the other person. We don't ask if we can go out. We give a head's up and ask if there's anything going on we didn't know about. Then we go out. My DH isn't seeing the cookout as a big deal and it truly isn't but it's a bump we have to talk about. I never want to be that couple who says "My wife won't let me." Gross.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

seahorse102410 · July 2012

I guess but in some ways I feel like men just don't see things the way we see them. For example, we are having a party for the 4th and my husband says, "what do I need to do?" It's a question that annoys me because we've had parties before so I think he can figure out that he needs to get gas for the grill, ice for the beer, etc. like he always does every time we have a party. But I ask him (tell him? make him?) to ice down the beer, check the gas for the grill ... etc.

littlemac1117 · July 2012

Scout2005:
I'm with you, Irish.
But then we know I'm sanctimonious. And like blue cheese olives.

I haven't stopped thinking of these since you posted about them yesterday or whenever that was. I need them.

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
CinemaGoddess:

Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

IT's always a work in progress. Part of that work in progress is letting your needs and desires be known in a way that's productive.
But being with a spouse who WANTS to know what you need and WANTS to partner with you and compromise, to have you feel happy and supported is more what I'm getting at. I'm as imperfect as DH is here but we will both sit down and communicate where things need work in our marriage, and we'll both step up to the plate.

If I say "I need you to be more respectful and supportive of my time with my family" (which I HAVE done by the way since my family is the opposite of awesome), he works to respect my needs.

ETA: that kind of sounds like I'm giving you marriage advice or something...I'm not. I'm just laying the expectations I think DH and I both agreed on before we got married, and have worked toward ever since.

We never came up with expectations. We were already basically married when we got married. We were, and still are, working on making compromises.

I tell you what, the babies and the house stuff were some of the most stressful times in our marriage and we survived that. If we can survive that, we can survive anything I think.

Even if that means having the occasional, "What in the gotdam hell were you thinking?" argument.

wonkatalia · July 2012

I agree with you to an extent but some guys have different backgrounds and upbringings. For example, I don't know if you are referring to my post from Saturday night about dinner or if you even saw it, but the way H was brought up, the woman takes care of the baby.

H is very helpful when I ask him to and sometimes he thinks of stuff to do for DD before I ask him to, but in general, I have to lead him in our parenting of DD. I don't think of it as a shortcoming or a reason for us not to be together or anything like that. Just something I need to accomodate in our relationship. It just means that I have to be more clear when I want him to step in, take over or do something.

I can't expect him to already know things that I don't tell him. I don't know if this made any sense.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

CinemaGoddess:

Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

Yeah, but I see a difference. He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose.

delg23 · July 2012

Yea we don't make each other do anything but if one of us does something the other dislikes we voice our opinion. In that thread she said that she didn't tell her husband not to go because she doesn't make him do things, but they had discussed that he would go and come home sober. The problem is that he didn't adhere to the agreement, not that she should have known that he was going to screw up. And not that she didn't call out from work, she is too controlling, or schedule a babysitter, or see it coming. People screw up. it doesn't mean she has a bad marriage either. But she does have a right to be angry.

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

sofamonkey:
CinemaGoddess:

Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

Yeah, but I see a difference. He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose.

No, he's not. But I didn't see what was discussed yesterday as the H being an obtuse assss on purpose either. Unless I missed something I didn't see it said that he got too drunk out of spite.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

wonkatalia:

I agree with you to an extent but some guys have different backgrounds and upbringings. For example, I don't know if you are referring to my post from Saturday night about dinner or if you even saw it, but the way H was brought up, the woman takes care of the baby.

H is very helpful when I ask him to and sometimes he thinks of stuff to do for DD before I ask him to, but in general, I have to lead him in our parenting of DD. I don't think of it as a shortcoming or a reason for us not to be together or anything like that. Just something I need to accomodate in our relationship. It just means that I have to be more clear when I want him to step in, take over or do something.

I can't expect him to already know things that I don't tell him. I don't know if this made any sense.

I gotta say that I did feel bad for how that post went. DH & I talked about that kind of thing before we had kids, and we talk as things come up. If it was a recurrent annoyance, I'd talk to him. I didn't mean to come off superior. Sometimes I have to flat out say "H, take your damn kid" and that's what works for us. You guys need to find your balance though, and it is hard to do. Sorry Wonks

madamsmurfette · July 2012

I agree, but I think an outsider may see our marriage as one of "those." DH gets the big stuff. He's a good husband and father. But there are some times that he may not understand my point of view or realize how something would make me feel until I explain it.

On the little things.... yeah, many times he just doesn't think about things. He leaves crap laying around and doesn't even notice clutter. Sometimes I have to be a b!tch because he doesn't realize *** needs to be done.

wonkatalia · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
CinemaGoddess:
We never came up with expectations. We were already basically married when we got married. We were, and still are, working on making compromises.
I tell you what, the babies and the house stuff were some of the most stressful times in our marriage and we survived that. If we can survive that, we can survive anything I think.

Even if that means having the occasional, "What in the gotdam hell were you thinking?" argument.

Fair enough. And yeah some people go through more of a trial by fire...you guys for sure. Not saying those things can't be worked out "on the job" if needed. We got lucky having time to set some parameters...and I was hyper obsessed with the idea growing up with a bad marriage as an example.
It's more the people who seem to have the expectation that you CAN'T treat your spouse as an adult without telling him what to do or being controlling that kind of baffle me. That IS the premise of the marriage in some cases it seems.

I'm not saying my H is like that because he does make adult decisions without my help, but what does it matter to you if that's the way other marriages work? That may work great for another couple. There are PLENTY of guys that I know that desperately need a good woman to keep them on the straight and narrow path and help them make better decisions. And I don't see anything wrong with that.

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

I understand what you're getting at IC.

It just kind of burns my cookies when what everyone's describing as a "bad" kind of husband is what my husband is like and it's not bad. He's not bad. I feel like I have to defend the husbands who make mistakes sometimes because sometimes it's just a mistake and not some kind of slam against the spouse.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

CinemaGoddess:
sofamonkey:
CinemaGoddess:

Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

Yeah, but I see a difference. He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose.

No, he's not. But I didn't see what was discussed yesterday as the H being an obtuse assss on purpose either. Unless I missed something I didn't see it said that he got too drunk out of spite.

Well, the update made me think differently about both of them in that sitch for sure. Also, if my H promised he'd do something, even if I thought it was unreasonable, I'd hold him to it.

In our house, no way would DH be expected to go to a bach party & come home to do anything besides sleep. Intentionally or not, her H was a total jerk about the situation. I think that is way different than the dishwaser type scenarios.

write2nicole · July 2012

I agree with you. I didn't marry until I found someone who had enough shared views on life (not shared interests, but shared goals) to build a life together. And I wasn't even sure about having kids at all until I met my H. I knew he'd be a good dad and would be there for me and our kid(s).

wonkatalia · July 2012

sofamonkey:
wonkatalia:

I agree with you to an extent but some guys have different backgrounds and upbringings. For example, I don't know if you are referring to my post from Saturday night about dinner or if you even saw it, but the way H was brought up, the woman takes care of the baby.

H is very helpful when I ask him to and sometimes he thinks of stuff to do for DD before I ask him to, but in general, I have to lead him in our parenting of DD. I don't think of it as a shortcoming or a reason for us not to be together or anything like that. Just something I need to accomodate in our relationship. It just means that I have to be more clear when I want him to step in, take over or do something.

I can't expect him to already know things that I don't tell him. I don't know if this made any sense.

I gotta say that I did feel bad for how that post went. DH & I talked about that kind of thing before we had kids, and we talk as things come up. If it was a recurrent annoyance, I'd talk to him. I didn't mean to come off superior. Sometimes I have to flat out say "H, take your damn kid" and that's what works for us. You guys need to find your balance though, and it is hard to do. Sorry Wonks

That's so nice, I really appreciate you saying that. That post did not go as I expected it to at all. lol. I mean, that is just the way all of the families we hang out with handle their kids at restaurants.

Some people did kinda make me feel like sh!t in that post. But whatever, I probably needed to hear that I need to let H handle more when we're out.

ETA: clarity

scoutkate · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
It's more the people who seem to have the expectation that you CAN'T treat your spouse as an adult without telling him what to do or being controlling that kind of baffle me. That IS the premise of the marriage in some cases it seems.

I get where you're coming from. And it reminds me of that thread from a week or so ago about "letting" your husband make decisions. I know why Amys worded the thread title the way she did, but there were a lot of responses that made me raise my eyebrows.

I just chalk it up to other people having a different marriage dynamic than we do, and try to stay out of threads like the one yesterday.

littlemac1117 · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
littlemac1117:
Scout2005:

I'm with you, Irish.

But then we know I'm sanctimonious. And like blue cheese olives.

I haven't stopped thinking of these since you posted about them yesterday or whenever that was. I need them.

MMMMmmm.
I think Scout and I need a martini date after BabyScout arrives.

YOu too if you want to hit up Chicagoland.

Yes please! I wish, haha. I definitely don't see a vacation in my future. But I may go buy myself some blue cheese olives later.

monkiem · July 2012

I love you, Irish.

I agree with you.

TunaTown · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:

Is anyone still here?

I just have to add that with all of the blow ups about things spouses are allowed to do, not allowed to do, forced to do...I simply don't get the concept of having to "make" your spouse do something or not do something. I EXPECT him to step up, be an adult, and live up to his responsibilities in life. And if he wasn't man enough to do that because that's what people do, rather than because I "made" him, then I honestly don't think we'd be married.

The concept is foreign to me. I'm not being snarky, I just keep seeing references to it. I don't have control of my husband, but I don't need it. He's an adult. We're a united front. We make compromises, accomodate each other, and want each other to be happy even if that means we have to suck up our own personal comfort sometimes or do something we'd rather not.

I don't know why this is bugging me. Maybe because I'm pretty laid back in general and I don't consider asking my husband to be an adult and a partner controlling.

::sits back and waits for the flames::

I don't see anything flameable about your post. Seems like reasonable expectations to me. *shrugs*........

CinemaGoddess · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
CinemaGoddess:

I understand what you're getting at IC.

It just kind of burns my cookies when what everyone's describing as a "bad" kind of husband is what my husband is like and it's not bad. He's not bad. I feel like I have to defend the husbands who make mistakes sometimes because sometimes it's just a mistake and not some kind of slam against the spouse.

I understand all marriages are a work in progress. I think part of it for me is truly that I was the one who needed more work than DH when we got married. He supported me and also had expectations of me, and I committed to being a better partner. And I am. It was work. It still is.
I think if the man is the partner who needs to step up, in most cases he can with a spouse who expects it but is patient and supportive...but still expects him to be an adult.

I agree, but it's not always possible to have this kind of relationship.

MandaPanda518 · July 2012

CinemaGoddess:
Anecdotal: I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense. I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

It's a work in progress, but we're getting there.

This is pretty much me and my DH. He is a smart guy, a great dad and husband, but he really lacks in the critical thinking and problem solving departments.

Like you said, it is a work in progress, just sometimes I wish the progress was faster!

peekaboo716 · July 2012

My DH is very accommodating to just about anything I ask. We have a very give and take realtionship. So, I'm with you.

judahsmommy1 · July 2012

IrishCoffee7:
CinemaGoddess:

I understand what you're getting at IC.

It just kind of burns my cookies when what everyone's describing as a "bad" kind of husband is what my husband is like and it's not bad. He's not bad. I feel like I have to defend the husbands who make mistakes sometimes because sometimes it's just a mistake and not some kind of slam against the spouse.

I understand all marriages are a work in progress. I think part of it for me is truly that I was the one who needed more work than DH when we got married. He supported me and also had expectations of me, and I committed to being a better partner. And I am. It was work. It still is.
I think if the man is the partner who needs to step up, in most cases he can with a spouse who expects it but is patient and supportive...but still expects him to be an adult.

ITA with this. When my DH and I got married my DH had some work to do. He would absolutely tell you the same thing. We handled it exactly as you describe. It makes for an interesting dynamic because I will tell you that hands down, he has worked harder for our marriage. We have both worked hard, and we have both sacrificed, but because he had further to go to be a healthy spouse, he's done the most. I have so much respect for him because of that - because he's done that work. I think if we had approached it differently we would be stuck in unhealthy roles where I was the parent and he was the child. Our marriage is far from perfect, and we haven't handled everything right, but I think this is one of the things we have been smart about.

Can I stir sumshit up?

Re: Can I stir sumshit up?

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