Frustrated w/ DS-need help please
MrsJ723
member
Although I'm not new to the bump (was on it when pg with DS and hang out on TTGP now), I am new to this board. This probably isn't the best introduction, but I'm desperate for help, so please excuse my lack of a formal intro post.
DH and I are so frustrated with DS (who will be 3 next month). He just does not listen. If we ask him to do something, he doesn't do it. If we ask him not to do something, he does it. We've been using the 1-2-3 Magic system consistently, and sometimes he'll comply with a request (i.e. pick up your toys) by "2", but lately it seems we're constantly getting to 3, and he has to go to time out. Does anyone have any other behavior management/discipline methods that they've found successful? I imagine a lot of this is just normal 2.5-3 year old behavior, but if it's possible to make it better, I'd love to.
Our second issue is time out. When DS goes to time out, he is supposed to stay on this little carpet square for 2 minutes (we have a timer). Lately he's been getting up. When he does, we stop the timer, place him back on the mat, and then re-start the timer. If anyone has any "stay in time out" suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
TIA for your help!
(I'm reposting on this on Parenting as well)
Re: Frustrated w/ DS-need help please
Thank you for the great ideas! I feel like we're over-doing t/o but wasn't sure what to try. I think having to lose toys, etc. is a great non-t/o punishment.
ETA: Your first post gives me hope
Yes, I agree; TO only for aggressive behaviors, here. I believe in the 1-2-3 part of it because it gives just an instant to choose the right thing. But Time-out is another opportunity to engage you, invite you to a power struggle, and an escape from the initial task LO doesn't want to do. Rather than punishing noncompliance, I believe it rewards it.
SO. When I give an instruction, if LO doesn't listen, I immediately say, "on your own or with help? one, two..." And when I get to three I do not engage in any verbal scolding or anything but simply hand over hand help LO do what is asked. If it is something like "come here," then I pick LO up and continue with what I was doing.
It's funny, DD#2 I know if she doesn't do what I ask immediately, she's not going to, so I don't bother counting. With DS, he he will ignore me until I say "th." tHEN IT'S done. So now with him, I count really fast.
I find this plan clear-cut, easy, and low-stress.
A totally different direction from time outs and rewards, but the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn has alternative ideas and explanations for discipline/misbehavior/etc.
There are tons of articles and you tube clips on his stuff but the book is a good read for in depth details on his theory. Here's a short clip: (sorry no clicky)
I agree - great book!
I agree with this. Also, when a time out is warranted (hitting etc) if he does get out, keep putting him back and reset, no matter how long it takes. My second oldest will test me (or anyone else that gives him a T/O) every once in a while to see if he can get away with it. When he finds out he can't he goes back to sitting quietly. No behavior modification is instant, and they all have regression at some point because no one is perfect, keep it up and you will see improvement.
I didn't read through all of the replies, but I was totally where you are about 3 months ago. I cannot reccomend " Love and Logic Magic for Preschoolers" enough. I've told all of my friends, neighbors, everyone about it! I seriously have not yelled at DD in 3 months...although I got pretty close yesterday and today. I think I need to skim through the book again. It gives really amazing techniques that really are quite logical (even if they aren't intuitive). I seriously think most parenting books are crap, but this one is worth it's weight in gold.
However, I am concerned about when DD outsmarts some of the techniques...as she did tonight. One being when your child tries to argue with you to get their way, just tell them that you love them too much to argue. Did that exactly tonight when DD was trying to insist on wearing flecce, longsleeved, feety pajamas when it's 100 degrees out. I told her that they were not appropriate and she should choose something cooler. She started to argue and I told her "I love you too much to argue", to which she replied, "I love you too much to argue too!" (But in the end, I got my way without a battle!)
I think that you are doing all the right things. Just make sure that you are being consistent and following through. Don't give empty threats.
You may want to start giving your DS some choices. Only give him 2 choices of things that you want him to do. So he has to pick something. He may like the idea of "being in charge".
Verbal praise for what he's doing right will help out too. Stickers and charts can be a good motivator.