Anyone else here with a history of/struggling with an ED?
erjarv
member
I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was about 11 or 12 (not exactly sure when I crossed the line of abnormal eating to straight up disordered), and always knew that when I had kids, I wanted it to be kicked for good. Well, right before I found out I was pregnant (we weren't planning on having kids for another 3 or 4 years, as we just got married this past August and wanted some time) I had been struggling pretty badly again with my symptoms. Once I saw that positive on the test, however, I knew I had to get serious about being healthy. All things considered, I did really well the first 2 trimesters. I gained a lot of weight fast (something my OB said wasn't surprising at all considering my body wasn't used to getting a normal amount of food), but was able to cope with it pretty well even though I did feel very self conscious of my body.
Starting this trimester, I've been having a much harder time. I'm still eating the amount I'm supposed to, and I'm not doing anything harmful to myself or the baby, but I'm not able to cope with it quite as well anymore. Every time I eat, regardless of how healthy or little it is I feel plagued with guilt and all I can think about is how horrendous I feel and how enormous I am. I know that I'm pregnant, so getting big is inevitable, but dealing with it and being okay with it is so much harder than I had ever imagined.
I feel so selfish that I'm worried about my weight, because I know I should be more worried about the baby's health and making sure I give him everything that he needs than whether or not I gain more weight than the suggested 25-35 lbs. I hate myself for obsessing about it so much.
Anyone else on here have a history with an eating disorder or still struggling with it like I am? I feel like I must be the worst mother in the world for this.
Re: Anyone else here with a history of/struggling with an ED?
I struggled with one for a few years and have been in recovery now for about four years. You are not a bad mother at all, trust me. You're doing the best you can and all I can tell you is just to take it one day at a time, every meal or snack at a time.
One website that helped me out a ton is FindingBalance.com - do a search for "pregnancy" and they have videos helping women with ED deal with pregnancy issues. There's also a pregnancy blog on there written by someone in recovery who is working through similar issues.
Hang in there, breathe, and keep thinking of your baby like you have been!
You are NOT a bad mother you are just sick, just like someone with cancer or diabetes is sick, it's not your "fault"
And having battled an eating disorder for most of my life I will tell you that it IS hard but it does get easier. I've been in recovery for a good 6-7 years now and although it's been a hard fight and there are still occasional struggles it's much more managable.
I would really suggest getting into some form of therapy, doing this on your own is setting yourself up for disaster. Good luck!!! Keep your mind focused on that beautiful baby growing inside you!
Just wanted to offer some support and let you know that you aren't alone. I never crossed that line into disorder, but i definitely had my share of abnormal eating habits that borderlined a real problem. I used to restrict terribly before I got married, and I loved how I looked. I actually wasn't too thin, my body just accepted the restrictions and I maintained a healthy weight not eating. After I got married, my husband discouraged this behavior, and I gained weight. Very very upsetting for me to this day, I still look back at pictures and long for that feeling of being hungry and looking thin.
Getting pregnant used to be my biggest fear because I was absolutely terrified of getting fat. However, after being told I probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant, and then finally getting pregnant naturally, while that fear is still there it isn't as strong. Some days are worse than others. Some days I hate my body, everything about it. Doesn't make me a bad mother though, because I wouldn't change being pregnant for being thin. I've slowly begun to accept my current pregnant body... however I think what I am going to struggle with most is the after pregnancy body... that is what terrifies me. That is what I know I am going to need help with to avoid falling back into old habits. I catch myself thinking about all the old ways I used to lose weight, and it is so tempting to want to use those same methods again after little one is born.
None of my story or feelings, just as none of yours, makes either of us bad mommys. Really with the world today it isn't surprising that so many of us struggle like this. Guess we just have to remember that taking care of ourselves equals taking care of our babies, even after they are born. If we take care of ourselves we'll be around longer for them, to see them grow and have children of their own.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRUGGLE. I HAVE ISSUES TOO WITH EDS. THE OBSESSIVE THINKING NEVER REALLY WENT AWAY FOR ME BUT IT DID IMPROVE. IT TAKES TIME TO HEAL FROM THIS SORT OF OBSESSION/DISEASE. MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO TRY AND FIND A SUPPORT GROUP THAT HAS A 12 STEP PROGRAM AND SEEK AS MUCH SUPPORT AS YOU CAN FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM BECAUSE ITS THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND YOU.
ALSO PRACTICE SAYING POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TO RETRAIN THE WAY YOUR BRAIN THINKS ABOUT YOURSELF.
REPEAT STATEMENTS AND MANTRAS THAT ARE POSITIVE ABOUT YOUR SELF IMAGE. WRITE THEM DOWN IN A JOURNAL TOO.
AS FAR AS EATING GOES, DO THE BEST YOU CAN...THINK OF EVERY MEAL OR SNACK AS NOURISHMENT FOR YOUR BABY, NOT FOR YOU.
YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
XO