One year of TTCAL, round 2 (ticker warning)

erinkate23 · January 2012

I'm an infrequent poster these days, but I had to whine somewhere. I hope it's okay to come here. If not, let me know and I'll DD. I can see it's been sensitive here lately and I definitely appreciate that. I've been there.

It's officially been a year of TTCAL, again. 1 BFP, 1 MC, this time around. Last time, it was a year of TTC and 2 m/c, and at the year mark, I had a sticky BFP. This time, after a year, I'm staring at the RE's phone number, afraid to pick up the phone.

Secondary IF/Loss sucks. I didn't have this crushing guilt last time. I knew I wanted to be a parent and would do anything to get there. Now, I question myself constantly. I "should" have 4 children; I have been pregnant 4 times. I have one, and I am eternally grateful for him, and very aware that others would do anything to have what I do. I don't feel like I have a right to grieve for the babies I've lost. I feel like I should just be happy with what I have, and that I'm being greedy for wanting another.

Feeling morose, guilty, sad and frustrated.

Thanks for listening to the rant. Feel free to join the grumpy bus with me!

RedRose84 · January 2012

**Hugs** I hope your RE can help you and you get your BFP really soon.

raashton · January 2012

You do have a right to grieve and be sad. Just b/c you have one child doesn't mean you can't be sad over the others. Grief and gratitude can be within the same person, and having one doesn't lessen the other.

babyd617 · January 2012

I completely understand

I have a daughter and am so grateful for her. But since her, I have had 2 m/c's- in a row. That's 2 more children. But PP is right, we are allowed to grieve and be sad. We still lost babies. Babies that could have been in our arms. Don't feel greedy. Frustrated, yes - greedy, no. (((hugs)))

JellyTwoPointO · January 2012

erinkate23:

I'm an infrequent poster these days, but I had to whine somewhere. I hope it's okay to come here. If not, let me know and I'll DD. I can see it's been sensitive here lately and I definitely appreciate that. I've been there.

It's officially been a year of TTCAL, again. 1 BFP, 1 MC, this time around. Last time, it was a year of TTC and 2 m/c, and at the year mark, I had a sticky BFP. This time, after a year, I'm staring at the RE's phone number, afraid to pick up the phone.

Secondary IF/Loss sucks. I didn't have this crushing guilt last time. I knew I wanted to be a parent and would do anything to get there. Now, I question myself constantly. I "should" have 4 children; I have been pregnant 4 times. I have one, and I am eternally grateful for him, and very aware that others would do anything to have what I do. I don't feel like I have a right to grieve for the babies I've lost. I feel like I should just be happy with what I have, and that I'm being greedy for wanting another.

Feeling morose, guilty, sad and frustrated.

Thanks for listening to the rant. Feel free to join the grumpy bus with me!

Don't say that. No no no. Every baby is an individual and you have the right to grieve all of them. Obviously you're grateful for your one sticky baby, but that doesn't mean the ones you lost weren't just as real and losing them isn't just as hurtful. You are allowed and have every right to be upset and it is NOT greedy. Not at all.

I am SO sorry for your losses. I hope that in time you'll be able to heal. :-(

lau1021 · January 2012

raashton:
You do have a right to grieve and be sad. Just b/c you have one child doesn't mean you can't be sad over the others. Grief and gratitude can be within the same person, and having one doesn't lessen the other.

All of this! ((hugs))

jelero · January 2012

I completely agree with the PP - each child you hold and raise is a blessing to cherish and enjoy, just as each angel you are given is a loss that you mourn. Nobody would think you greedy or unreasonable for loving each and every one of your children, regardless of whether or not you got to keep them here on earth with you! Hugs and best wishes!

hungryhippo · January 2012

I'm sorry for your losses. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad about them. Loss is hard, no matter what else you have to be happy about. I have a pretty good life, but my losses have been devastating and the only way I've been able to heal is to embrace my feelings despite being grateful for everything else that I have.

maxsom · January 2012

I'm sorry for your losses. *hugs*

benoitfan · January 2012

erinkate23:

I'm an infrequent poster these days, but I had to whine somewhere. I hope it's okay to come here. If not, let me know and I'll DD. I can see it's been sensitive here lately and I definitely appreciate that. I've been there.

It's officially been a year of TTCAL, again. 1 BFP, 1 MC, this time around. Last time, it was a year of TTC and 2 m/c, and at the year mark, I had a sticky BFP. This time, after a year, I'm staring at the RE's phone number, afraid to pick up the phone.

Secondary IF/Loss sucks. I didn't have this crushing guilt last time. I knew I wanted to be a parent and would do anything to get there. Now, I question myself constantly. I "should" have 4 children; I have been pregnant 4 times. I have one, and I am eternally grateful for him, and very aware that others would do anything to have what I do. I don't feel like I have a right to grieve for the babies I've lost. I feel like I should just be happy with what I have, and that I'm being greedy for wanting another.

Feeling morose, guilty, sad and frustrated.

Thanks for listening to the rant. Feel free to join the grumpy bus with me!

This, except, I have only had one loss. Sometimes, I feel exactly like you do. Why do I set myself up for possible additional heartache? I have the best little boy a woman could ask for. I should just be satisfied just with him and count my blessing. I am and do, but at the same time I'm not, therefore I feel greedy. It's not that I am not grateful for my LO, I totally am and know I am blessed. I just have always dreamed of having 2 children. I do not want my son to have to go through life without a sibling to grow up with and share life experiences with the way only siblings can. I especially don't want him to have to deal with DH & I when we are old, require care and eventually leave him. I can't bear the thought of him having to deal with that on his own. A bit morbid, I know, but, I can't help myself.

Rationally, I know that I am not greedy for wanting another child. I know I am blessed and am grateful, so I should not feel guilty for having what others would do anything for. I know that deep down, you know that too. What we are feeling is normal. It's about having dreams, and yet at the same time realizing that your reality is anothers dream. It's about compassion too...because no one should have to worry about not having the family they want and deserve.

roxyttandme · January 2012

I hun! How are you!!!???!!! Not sure if you remember me, but I remember you!

I hope you stay is short and sweet.

(((hugs)))

ella.mabel · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your losses. I've had those exact same feelings of feeling guilty for my grief, and feeling like i should be fortunate for my DD and just leave it at that. But sometimes i'm actually more sad FOR her, sad that i seem unable to give her the sibling that i know she would love. She loves other kids and babies, and trying for another is as much for DH and i as it is for her. It's not greedy, it's just a longing to make your family whole, and mourning of the babies you never got to meet. Good luck with everything. ((hugs))

erinkate23 · January 2012

benoitfan:
This, except, I have only had one loss. Sometimes, I feel exactly like you do. Why do I set myself up for possible additional heartache? I have the best little boy a woman could ask for. I should just be satisfied just with him and count my blessing. I am and do, but at the same time I'm not, therefore I feel greedy. It's not that I am not grateful for my LO, I totally am and know I am blessed. I just have always dreamed of having 2 children. I do not want my son to have to go through life without a sibling to grow up with and share life experiences with the way only siblings can. I especially don't want him to have to deal with DH & I when we are old, require care and eventually leave him. I can't bear the thought of him having to deal with that on his own. A bit morbid, I know, but, I can't help myself.

Rationally, I know that I am not greedy for wanting another child. I know I am blessed and am grateful, so I should not feel guilty for having what others would do anything for. I know that deep down, you know that too. What we are feeling is normal. It's about having dreams, and yet at the same time realizing that your reality is anothers dream. It's about compassion too...because no one should have to worry about not having the family they want and deserve.

This exactly. I love my brothers, and my life would be incomplete without them. They have been my best friends, and the women they have married have become my friends too. I want another child for me, yes, but mostly for my son. He deserves siblings. His kids deserve cousins. Thank you for understanding, everyone. It means a lot. My husband understands, but other people in my "real life" don't seem to get why I am concerned about this.

HIIIIIIII ROXY AND SUGAR!!

Mommaswede · January 2012

As someone that already has two DS, I can definitely relate. However, as my therapist has told me, your infertility/losses are no less significant than if you didn't have children. A loss is a loss and you need to let yourself grieve for the family that would have been...

JimiKirkman · January 2012

I have three babies, four losses, and with each one, I knew I loved them. It doesn't matter if you have 1 child or 101, a loss (or multiple losses) still hurts! It's not greed, it's grief. I wish you the very best and a successful journey.

One year of TTCAL, round 2 (ticker warning)

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