I used to be extremely social & active. I am not a homebody. CLEARLY I knew taht having a baby would change this a bit. I think I had this silly thought I could still maintain my former lifestyle and just bring Luca along with me.
Well Luca is NOT a good sleeper. he naps well at home if I REALLY watch his signs. . . .have to get him down before he is really tired. once he's overtired Im screwed. He screams in car most of the time..... he is in & out of sleep when we walk. He is so curious as to what is going on all of the time.
So my husband and I had a fight last night. Luca was super fussy - I had gone to a friends during the day - he didnt nap well at ALL. He basically blamed me for taking him out too much. Yet I feel like what am I supposed to do? Be a prisoner in my own home? I recognize he does better @ home - but yet I want to be one of those mom's that is able to bring my son out. ug
Re: how to maintain a normal life?
DD1 Feb 2010
DD2 Sept 2011
I disagree that it's this black and white -- lots of people have social lives AND children -- it will probably just take some time to figure out how to make it all work. I'm in the process of finding this balance as well. Hang in!
Most of my friends have kids. That isn't the issue. It isnt that I want to go to clubs, bars & parties. Its that I feel I can't even bring Luca to people's houses who HAVE kids b/c he gets so fussy he cries & screams and then the night at hoem is a HOT mess b/c he is overtired, falling asleep eating (which I try to do eat play sleep). I feel awful messing up his happiness & schedule yet don't want to feel like I can't even go for a damn walk
DITTO
I disagree and think that's harsh, who said you had to choose between loving your LO and having a social life? I very much have one and Hadley is only 2 months old... I don't party, but I go and shop and hang with family & friends often!
I don't think the point Cassie was trying to make was that no one can have a busy social life and a baby, but that it is obviously out of the question for the OP right now.
OP...I get that it sucks, but I think you are just going to have to suck it up for a while. It will get better, but it isn't worth having your kid screaming just so that you get to get out of the house. If your husband is concerned about the baby's well being enough to get into a fight with you about it, I would try my damnedest to listen to him.
From what I got from your OP, you know that your social schedule is negatively affecting your LO's day. I swear this won't be forever. Take this time to catch up on books you've always wanted to read, to decorate for the fall holidays, or to make a scrapbook of your pregnancy or your LO's first few months. Invite people over to your house for any reason that you can think of. Heck, do a deep fall cleaning if that is your sort of thing.
This is all about your attitude, because you can't reason with a baby. Good luck, and I hope that you find a way to get rid of your frustration!!!
Harsh. I don't think OP wants to bar hop with her child in tow. I think she wants to enjoy life outside the house WITH her LO.
I don't have this problem, kind of the opposite actually. DS sleeps better during the day in his car seat. When at home he naps poorly in his crib and he is not happy without his sleep. I am struggling with letting him develop crappy sleep habits or struggle through sleep training now.
GL!!
Its this kind of attitude that makes women feel guilty about trying to have a life outside of their kids and their family.
OP, it will get easier as your LO gets older and has a more consistent nap schedule. Do you ever wear your LO? My second DD was really colicky and would only nap in the moby when we were out. I wore her a lot and it made it easier for me to go places. No way was I sitting in the house all winter with a colicky newborn and a 2.5 year old!
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Wow, I feel like these posts set us as women back about 75 years. We are dealing with the same sort of adjustment and I know how frustrating it is. It is important as moms that we also take good care of ourselves, and I often dread going anywhere because of what it will do to LO. I keep telling myself it will get better, and staying at home all day isn't healthy for him or me. I don't have a good answer for how to make the situation better, but I don't think locking yourself in the house is a solution either, GL!
Woah Girls! You can have both LO and your social life as priorities. I think we all place too much emphasis on being "Martyr Mom" and our world revolving around LO becuase it's the "thing" to do.
Think about it. How often were our Mom's life dictated by us? I know my loves me but she was never trapped at home because I might need something. She went had fun, and left us with us the sitter to boot. We were all better because of it.
In all honesty, I just do it. I love my LO but I refuse to let her dictate my life. For the most part if I want to do something I make sure she's fed, we strap her in the carseat and we go! The first couple times it was rough but she got used to it and we're golden now.
Sitting around waiting for LO to be "ready" will leave you trapped in your house forever. It's the "I can't go anywhere because of LO" mentality that breeds guilt and makes us depressed hanging out in our houses.
So listening to a husband's concern about the sleeping habits/fussiness of their child is setting us back 75 years? Um, ok.
OP, it's about finding a balance. We don't leave the house to go places as much as I'd like because it messes up one or the other of the boys' schedules and it's a PITA to get two ready to go. We do some short things (a walk around the mall or the neighborhood) just to get fresh air, or I invite people over here. Yes, your life is going to change for awhile. Yes, there are days that DH gets home and I'm in tears because it feels like I haven't seen the light of day in forever. No, you're not going to be able to do everything that you were pre-baby. But my DH is also really good at reading me and has basically forced me out of the house on a couple occasions (evenings and weekends) just so I can maintain a social life. Talk to your DH and let him know that since you need to be home so much during the day, you need him to step up at certain points and give you time out of the house.
Congratulations! I bet that Mom of the Year plaque looks just fabulous on your wall.
My kid is my number one priority. I am my number 1 priority. Somedays it's all about my kid. Somedays it's more about me. So all in all we're equal. And I don't feel guilty about that. It keeps me sane and a good mom as a result. I am more important than my kid. I would lay down my life for her and do anything to keep her safe definitely. In that sense she's much more important than me. Always will be. However, in day to day life, I am more important. I need to take care of me, so I can take care of my kid and be the best mom I can be.
I love my LO to pieces and she's changed my whole world but I will not let her dictate my life to the point I'm miserable. Kids get used to what they know. They grow up flexible and patient as a result. Do I delay going somewhere sometimes becuase she's crabby, hell yes. I'm not saying it'll never happen, but a lot of taking baby out is a matter of it is what it is and just doing it.
And FFS don't talk to me about "special needs" and priorities. I fought damn hard to get a happy healthy baby. Harder than anyone should have to fight. She is my priority but there's an extent to it. So don't imply I'm a bad mom because I don't prioritize my schedule to everything LO may or may not need.
Special needs vs. a needy 3 month old doesn't correlate. At all. Apples to oranges. So take the drama queen theatrics out of the equation.
Yep, time to stay at home knitting booties.
Exactly, it's about finding a balance. I just want everyone to admit to that and realize it's okay. I don't think anyone is "ignoring' their child's needs to take care of themselves here.
And yes, I do have an easy baby. Part of it is personality. But I like to think I played a role in that Afterall in 3 more months someone will be on here b*tching because "my friend stayed home with her kid for 3 months and now he won't go anywhere without a fuss." Kids adjust...even the fussiest ones. It may take longer but it doesn't hurt to keep trying in the meantime. I've been around enough kids to know that. As moms we have to do what works for us and if staying home all the time isn't working for sanity's sake then we need to find a way to make it.
I also don't think it's sad to be "itching" to do things at 3 months. That can be a long haul with an infant. All babies need at that phase is to be loved, fed and held. I can do that at home in a rocking chair or in the middle of Target if I have to.
I think I'll just hit you up with some advice instead of getting in on the drama.
When you go out, try putting LO in a carrier so that he's close to you, rather than having him in a carseat maybe snapped into a stroller or being lugged around. I definitely found outings to be much more enjoyable when I didn't have to leave him strapped into his carseat for a majority of it. He also gets in his catnaps like usual while he's tucked in our Ergo.
If LO is having a super crappy day, then you might just have to stay inside and pick a different day to do things. I've cancelled plans more than once because we didn't have a good sleeping night or DS was just super fussy.
This is a really good suggestion! I have also found that sometimes LO just doesn't want to be in the carseat. If I am at friends houses he is sometimes much happier if he's kicking around on a blanket.
I certainly never said communicating with your husband was setting the women's movement back, and how you got that out of what I said makes YOU ridiculous. My point was, if the OP is the one spending all day everyday with her LO, she needs to be making the calls about what is best for her LO on those given days. If that means to stay home, or make adjustments to her schedule then that's what she needs to decide. I communicate with my husband everyday, but there are only so many decisions or judgement calls he can make for LO when he is not here during the day. You totally missed my point, totally.
I wonder where I got that idea...
Um, that's what I took out of your post as well. In fact, I already commented on it up above. Someone mentioned listening to her DH if he was concerned. You highlighted it and made it bold, then went on to say that posts like this set us back 75 years. It might not have been your intention, but I also thought that's what you were referring to. And I completely disagree with your comment that the person spending all day with the LO is the one that should be making the calls on the activities. If her actions during the day affect the LO in the evening (when her husband is home and BOTH of them are trying to get some sleep), then he has every right to factor in to the decision-making. And I say this as someone who is a full time SAHM.
::gigglesnort::
ITA. All babies are different and unfortunately, OP, it sounds like you got a tough one. My first was a difficult baby and it can definitely be very, very hard to deal with, but it will get better and when it does, parenting that LO will be incredibly rewarding. My second is a super easy baby (so far!) and I really can take her pretty much anywhere. In the time that DD1 was still in the NICU, this LO has been to Costco, playdates, church, etc. and as long as I make sure she's fed, she's happy. So yeah, sometimes babies need a little more stability in terms of keeping a schedule, staying home more, and it's your job to find out what will make your specific baby thrive. In the meantime, I'd discuss the fussiness with your pediatrician at your next check-up - there could be something medical going on, like reflux (the culprit for my DD1). I'd also look into using a wrap, like the PP mentioned. Even my super-grumpy pre-reflux-diagnosis little girl would happily sleep for hours in the wrap.
This is what I did. It was hard the first few times. Mostly for me because I was terrified. I did a lot of lunches with friends. I hoped that the noise of being out and about would help her start to get her days and nights right. Though I'm also lucky because she loved to nap in the car. Good luck!
I completely agree!! Happy healthy babies need happy healthy mommies! I know I would go crazy if I forced myself to be cooped up all the time and I don't think that would be good for me or baby.
@Cassie
Wow... first of all, let's remember OP had a heated argument with her hubby when they were both frustrated because baby was crying. That doesn't neccessarily mean that this guy has major concerns about his baby's well-being.
The most common advice people have given to me regarding this subject is that if you revolve every second of your life around your child when they are an infant, you are going to be doing it for the rest of their lives. While, this is probably what you are striving to do, most doctors would argue that it is not healthy for you or your child. I absolutely believe you can raise your baby to be more "patient and flexible". Now of course, I am not saying you should ignore your baby's needs (feeding, changing, etc.) but I think you can provide for your baby while still fulfilling your own needs. I think the more OP takes her baby out, the more he will adjust to being places besides home.
It sounds like you have some issues of your own. I can't imagine why else you would have worded your original post the way you did unless you are trying to make yourself appear superior on a pregnancy website. Other people that have psoted on here have had similar views to yours but avoided trying to make OP feel like a crappy mom with crappy priorities. Congratulations... we all think you are super cool.
There's a major difference between communicating with your hubby and doing your "damnedest" to comply with him because he picked a fight with you.
Sounds like you are creating a pretty high maintenance baby... you do realize that eventually she is not going to be a baby, is going to go to school, and is going to expect her teacher to cater to her every whim, because that is what she grew up used to. I'm assuming her teacher isn't going to adjust the temperature of the classroom or give her a snack the second she demands it...
I am not going to get into this stupid debate over semantics, but I will say that my baby has a similar issue.
She just can't tolerate outings much. It has to be something low key or she goes ape *** when it is time for bed. If she doesn't nap well during the day - which tends to happen more if I take her to Target or to Panera or a friends' BBQ - then bed time turns into a 4 hour screaming session.
In fact I have to constantly remind my mom that she has to let her nap when she looks tired and not try to keep her awake to play with her, take pictures ect.
It sucks. I hate that I can't go out and do everything I want. I am going nuts being cooped up in the house on most days, but I do it because to me- the trade off of an easy night and a happy well rested baby is more important to me. I tell myself that she will get over it and eventually when she is a bit older things will start to get better. I don't see myself as spoiling or over catering to my LO. Infact, I see it as doing both of us a favor.
When your child is upset wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to minimize that?
Just remember your baby is brand new and her brain can only process so much information in a day. Too much excitement creates an overtired overstimulated fussy baby. They really only need to be awake for an hour or 2 tops at a time before a good nap at this age.