How much do you tell family?

kzawisl · August 2011

DH and I did a round of injectibles + TI, and we both told our parents. My mom had issues with IF as well, so I was more picking her brain than anything else. We're gearing up for IUI #1 in October, and I kind of don't want to tell them. I don't want to have to answer the constant "how's it going" questions, and I certainly don't want to have to tell everyone if it doesn't work. Once you've "come out" to family, how much detail do you give? Is it possible to just be vague now?

reb259 · August 2011

For me...I was adopted so my parents are very sensitive to IF and our feelings. I love that my mom can relate. My in-laws don't really ask so that is ok. If the have questions I would have no problem answering questions, but they don't really ask.

AmCheri · August 2011

You should do whatever feels the most comfortable for you and your DH.

We've chosen not to tell any of our family members beyond one of my siblings. There are some days when we'd both like to tell them to lay off because we have a lot on our plates, but we always chose to stay quiet. It has been challenging to keep quiet because we've had to come up with lots of excuses for why we can't make it to weekend events that are out of town. I always seem to have to be at the clinic early Saturday or Sunday morning, so we're sticking close to home.

Like you, I don't have it in me to deal with the "How are you doing" type questions. When there's good news to share, our families will be the first to know.

stinkerbell6879 · August 2011

So far it is really depending on the "who" as far as how much I am saying at this point. I am pretty open with my BFF's and my SIL's and they all have been really supportive. My mom has been great BUT at the same time she just thinks why not just adopt and not worry about the extra expense of IVF. So it's kinda hard to talk to her right now so I am keeping things very vague until we know are more concrete plan of what we are going to do.

jbull25 · August 2011

This is totally a decision based on what is most comfortable to you and DH and also on your family dynamics.

My in-laws are the best anyone could ask for. They are super supportive without being pushy or nosy. My MIL makes it clear that she would love to know how we are doing but that we shouldn't feel pressured to tell her.

My mom is a little more nosy and pushy but she is also supportive. I've learned to live with her. I just take her advice and opinions for what they are worth. I know she will be happy with whatever makes me happy in the end.

shirz903 · August 2011

My mom knew off the bat and she knows details as in dates and everything and DH knows she knows. My aunt and uncle know as she is a pharmacist and he is a doctor and we are close. My brothers also know, but DH doesn't know they know.

With the help of the ladies on here I have actually opened up to DH's family, but for them I keep it vague so they have no idea what the timeline is or what we are actually using drug-wise and things like that. I also keep it very light with them and brush everything off like I am fine, when I am not, but the comfort level is just not there for me.

kzawisl · August 2011

Thanks, all. I am lucky my mom and in-laws are so supportive. My mom went through all this 32 years ago...charting, injections, miscarriages. She and my dad adopted my sister and brother and then along I came (surprise BFP)....so sometimes I think SHE thinks maybe that could happen for DH and I (even though she and I have different Dx). Thankfully, she hasn't said that out loud to me. My in-laws, on the other hand, come from a long long line of fertiles, so they don't really have any idea what we're going through, and they have a lot of questions. I don't mind answering them, except sometimes it CAN get a little personal. I understand they don't realize that though.

jbull25 · August 2011

kzawisl:
Thanks, all. I am lucky my mom and in-laws are so supportive. My mom went through all this 32 years ago...charting, injections, miscarriages. She and my dad adopted my sister and brother and then along I came (surprise BFP)....so sometimes I think SHE thinks maybe that could happen for DH and I (even though she and I have different Dx). Thankfully, she hasn't said that out loud to me. My in-laws, on the other hand, come from a long long line of fertiles, so they don't really have any idea what we're going through, and they have a lot of questions. I don't mind answering them, except sometimes it CAN get a little personal. I understand they don't realize that though.

I can totally relate to you on this. My husband has nine brothers and sisters and 55 first cousins on one side. They can't possibly understand, and you can't blame them since they haven't walked that road.

elisem42 · August 2011

a lot of my decisions on this have come down to who i think will be smart enough to grasp it, learn about it and be supportive about it...

my parents are fortunately great, my inlaws are OK so i limit the info they know and SOME of my friends are smart enough to get it...the ones that i know aren't will remain in the dark bc some of the ignorant things that come out of people's mouth even when they don't know, make my skin crawl!!!

MrsNap_515 · August 2011

I'm very close with my SIL's, so they know mostly everything, and although they're fertiles, they are very supportive. I choose to not discuss with my MIL & FIL, they are very traditional catholic, and i don't think they would understand certain aspects, plus they have 7 boys so probably wouldn't understand much...my dad knows everything, he brings me to most of my appt's since DH works crazy hours, he's very supportive, since most of my issues stem from a birth defect i've been dealing with since i was a child.

My biggest support system is my cousin, more like a sister to me, she had leukemia as a child, so when she was in her early 20s, she had to tackle IF since from the chemo/radiation her egg quality was poor, so she is completely supportive and offers a wealth of information, she's amazing, and it's so great to have her there to talk to about every detail, and she'll tell me what to expect, etc.

But we don't hide too much, it doesn't bother DH or I to discuss with family, we leave out certain details, but pretty much, everyone knows we're dealing with it. No one bothers us for details, it's a very supportive atmosphere.

Ann679 · August 2011

We have told our families most of what is going on. We have given them timing and details. My mom and sister have been wonderful and really have helped me get through this. DH's mom on the other hand always seems to say the wrong thing. I'm really regretting that she knows the details. At this point, I'm just saying that it's really stressful and that I don't feel like discussing it anymore. So I think that even though you have told them what's going on this far, you don't have to continue to tell them.

Hope that helps. Good luck!!

Ruthie04 · August 2011

I agree with everyone else...every family is different. We told my mother immediately, as my sister needed Clomid and everyone was comfortable with the topic of IF. She, in turn, told everyone she has ever met. That was not really in our plan. We waited to tell my husband's family, hoping that we could surprise them with an eventual BFP. But, after the miscarriage, it all came out anyway. My husband's brother and sister struggled with IF, so the whole family was very sweet. They never pry. While I am so grateful for the support, I do wish we had maintained a little privacy. If it ever happens for us, I think we might miss a little bit of the "Surprise, we are pregnant!" reactions. All in all, I would say it depends on your relationship and the ability of your family members to keep it to themselves. And- GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR IUI!!!

kbrodie06 · August 2011

Family is a huge gossip grapevine on my moms side. (Parents divorced) So my mother and brother know nothing at all. They dont know about 2 miscarriages or about 5 or 6 IUI's or about 1 ivf attempt or anything. I did not want to deal with it. Dad knows about 1 miscarriage and that is all just because I did not want him thinking about it and or worrying about it. Friends know way more. In-laws know we may be seeking help for a second child and thats it. (i think that is all the husband told his mother)

I figure it as anything i tell them I would get the constant hows it going or whatever question or they get all excited and start planning all this stuff or who knows what. Not sure what to tell you on what to tell them.

Kristin

ecleptic · August 2011

You can be open about your infertility but still keep some things private.

We started off telling family and friends everything. We had a ton of people waiting on the beta for our first IVF and I had to call them all and tell them it wasn't successful. And that sucked.

So we limited the people we told about our second (FET) cycle. Everyone knew that we were cycling- just not the exact date of the beta. We broke the news to those same people over 3-4 days when we had our positive betas and had several days of ecstatic celebration. And then we had to call them all when we miscarried just a week after we had our positive beta. And that really sucked.

So this cycle there's exactly one family who knows our dates and that's because I babysit for her and can't lift her 25lb kids into their cribs in the two week wait. We told people that we had to wait a couple of months (my parents think we'll be starting meds in September) and we'd let them know when we had any news. This FET will be over by September though. It took some misdirection and that wasn't something I was comfortable with at the start. I wanted to share and have people there with me.

Now- I want more privacy. I'm willing to say that the FET didn't work or that we (god forbid) miscarried again- but I want to do that on my timeline. I don't want to have people constantly checking up on me and making sure that everything's okay. I've had 6 months of family constantly asking me if everything is going well... or if everything is okay... or if I'm still hopeful... or if I think it worked this time... or if I'm afraid it didn't/won't work. And I'm kinda tired of the attention because I can't answer their questions. And their questions are really just an extra reminder of all the same questions that are already constantly going through my brain.

But it took some misdirection. Lies of omission. And my mom's going to be really upset if this FET works and I don't tell her until I'm 8 or more weeks along. I had to make my peace with that. And that sucks too.

MrsOjoButtons · August 2011

Our families both know we can't have a baby without IVF, but they're not given timelines or recaps of appointments. My husband is very certain he doesn't want to tell his family anything, and my family is flat out mean, so we're keeping all the details to ourselves.

leolyns · August 2011

DH's parents know...they kind of figured it out on their own. My mom, sister and one of my girl cousins knows (she & I are the same age and are close) that there is a very small chance of conceiving naturally and we're seeing a fertility specialist for options. Eventually I will tell my boss about it once I start undergoing IUI triggers since I'll probably be late to work a few times (she's a mom and she'll be understanding). None of the DH's brothers know but one of them is begging for a niece or nephew so when he mentions it we just brush it off and tell him we'll let him know when we're expecting. I think whenever we get a BFP, I want to keep it under wraps for the first tri.

BearWombat · August 2011

I've only truly told my sister, and DH got mad at me for that, but I told him that I needed someone to talk to about it aside from him, and I am closest to her. Both of our families are aware that we are TTC, and I would have to guess that they must be concerned about what's going on, but the only one who has said anything was my mom. She was asking me how long it's been that we've been TTC, and I said 18 months, and she said, "Well, I didn't know it's been that long. But if you get drunk and have sex you will get pregnant." Both my sister and I were "oops" babies due to mom's misuse of BCP. She's not the brightest crayon in the box. I'm not very close to her. DH also wants to be the one who decides who we tell about it, since he is technically the one with the issue, so I'm basically forbidden to tell anyone about it. I would like to talk to his sisters about it, but I've been given the red light for that. It sucks because now his brother and his wife are pregnant and are asking us when we're going to have a baby, and it breaks my heart because we've been TTC since before they were married. I wish DH would at least let us tell family that we are dealing with IF, and not tell the details, just so they would be more sensitive.

Trish11278 · August 2011

You should do what you feel comfortable doing. Especially because you know how your family will react to all of it.

I have been very open with my IF struggles to family and friends. I find that with my family and friends, I get less questions with them knowing. Before I was open about our struggles, I would always get questions about when are we starting and that we just need to relax. Now that my close family and friends know, I don't get those questions any more. I do get questions like, "How is everything going?" but I am ok with that because I am open with it.

If you don't want those questions, I would just try to leave things as vague as possible.

Lovetangle · August 2011

At first I told my parents and my MI that we were having trouble. My MI told EVERYONE. I met my DH's aunts and the first thing one of them did (prior to introducing herself) was put her hand on my stomach and tell me everything was going to be ok. I know she was trying to be sweet but I wanted to scream.

That was a year ago so once we decided to start seeing a IF doctor, I told my MI and asked her not to tell. My SIL came home for a visit and told me that my MI told her. My DH brought it up to her and she denied telling her. Obviously, I am done sharing info with her.

I still get to talk to my Mom about everything and my Dad knows. They are very good about not pestering me. They only talk about it when I bring it up.

kseav · August 2011

elisem42:
a lot of my decisions on this have come down to who i think will be smart enough to grasp it, learn about it and be supportive about it...
my parents are fortunately great, my inlaws are OK so i limit the info they know and SOME of my friends are smart enough to get it...the ones that i know aren't will remain in the dark bc some of the ignorant things that come out of people's mouth even when they don't know, make my skin crawl!!!

This right here is exactly how i feel!! Should have found this before posting! It def helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel. To original poster, my mom and mother in law know most of what is going on, but I even limit that bc extended family go to them for answers rather then being bold enough to ask us. As far as friends I find less and less of them know anything based on experience with IUI and even the couple I brought up IVF with that ran and discussed it with their SO. It to me is personal and emotional and very few people seem to understand that.

mrssmsmyth · August 2011

Wow this is hard...I've been less than honest with my and my husband's families. Unfortunately, because of snide comments by my husband's brother-in-law suggesting that I need to go make babies I had to draw the line and have my husband talk to him and the rest of his half of the family. Thank goodness he didn't make me do it because I'm a wreck about my infertility as it is! He was blessed with sisters, all of whom have children (6 between them). I was unable to speak with any of them during any of their pregnancies because all I could do is cry when my husband told me they were on the phone and I could hear them talking about baby stuff. To make matters worse, I have brothers, one who planted his seed wherever and whenever and we're not sure how many children there are but it's around 6 at last count, and a younger brother who's girlfriend miscarried (it would have been his child). So, of course we did some checking and I am the one with the problem:endometriosis and PCOS. Anyway, I mentioned the idea of adoption one evening to my mother thinking I finally could open up and it wasn't the friendly and compassionate ear that I thought I might get. I am sick and tired of people asking me when my husband and I are going to have children-especially after they ask how long we've been married and we tell them 6 years. It's very uncomfortable for me but my optimistic answer is always the same "maybe sometime in the near future" but honestly I have no idea when that is going to be. I have a few close friends that I've confided in and they know the details. Everyone else makes unknowing comments about the fact that I have 6 pets and such a big house with no children. We have a room picked out to be the nursery when the time comes and I'll be back in the fertility clinic soon. Maybe they will be able to help me so that I will finally be the one sharing that good news with our families.

How much do you tell family?

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