My husband called screaming at me and said he never wants to see me again. He told me to get my things and get the fvck out of the house. It took 3 calls later for me to find out why he was on the rampage. Apparently while he was at work and I was at my doctor's appointments today, his dog's chain got tangled up and she couldn't get to her water. He came home to find the dog he's had for 7 years dead from a heat stroke. I put her out there this morning so the blame is all mine. I know DH is just really mad and upset right now but he said some of the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me. I am so upset about everything. I am so sick to my stomach over the dog dying and have been fighting the urge to vomit. She has been like part of the family to us. DH has called me several times just to tell me what a horrible person I am and he hopes that I don't starve our baby when he gets here. He told me he never wants to see me again and he hopes that I can't live with myself for killing his dog.
I don't know what to do. I know he is probably just venting and it will pass but what if he really does mean what he said? I hate to think that he would hold the death of his dog against me forever and let it ruin our marriage. I really think he is just extremely upset and is saying things he doesn't mean. He was just saying 2 nights ago that he doesn't know what he would do if his dog died. She was his "other woman" as he often called her. I know it isn't completely my fault but I still feel responsible. I just dont know what to do. '
No flaming please. I know it is silly but I am distraught.
Re: I guess my marriage is over...(sad)
Oh goodness... hugs hugs and hugs, how absolutely horrible. It isn't silly at all. It's so sad and it's an unfortunate accident, it isn't your fault. It's just an accident. I truly hope he can let go and not continue blaming you. I really hope it's just his anger and devastation talking right now.
Is there anywhere you can go tonight? I don't think you've done wrong, I don't think you deserve to be blamed and screamed at and verbally abused but he may need at least tonight. I wish I knew what to suggest to make you feel better.
It isn't silly, hugs
He is understandably upset. Whether you deserve the blame or not, if the dog was like a family member you husband is grieving right now.
Give him some space, give him some time. Do you ahve family that you can go spend the night with? Your husband clearly needs to be allowed to deal with this. It is not just that the dig died, but he found the dog, and it was an unnecessary death.
People say horrible things in anger.Things that they do not mean. Let him cool off, let him know you are there if he needs to talk.
After he has cooled off and is able to talk rationally with you, you may want to bring up some of what he said to you. He needs to know that anger is okay, but accidents are accidents and that saying the things he said to you are not okay.
If you guys are not having other issues, your marriage is not over. It has just hit a big speed bump.
He left. He went to his mom and dad's farm to bury the dog. He just told me to be gone when he got back tomorrow. I am guessing he is staying there tonight.
First, I'm really, really sorry about your dog. That's incredibly sad and such a loss for both you and your husband. Having lost pets before (including one very recently), I know that this is a palpable loss.
Second, your husband is being completely unfair and cruel. People sometimes get that way when they're grieving, but while that can help explain it, it doesn't justify it. This is your loss too. I'm not sure how completely to blame you were-- it's hard to say from your description-- but I'm sure you didn't do anything on purpose, and you definitely did not cause the insane heatwave. Not to mention that it's completely counterproductive to push away your support system when you need it most. And to say those horrible things about the baby when you are already feeling guilty-- it's just not the mark of a supportive husband.
I would wait for him to calm down a bit. If he truly is set on abandoning his pregnant wife like this, then you are probably better off without him. Most likely he will simmer down-- but once enough time has passed, you really need to speak with him about how painful his reaction was. Tell him you understand (and share) his pain at the loss, but that it is unfair and vindictive to direct that anger toward you.
ok I might be a bit*h for saying this but my H would never care about a dog more then he cared about me, and I think your H is being a ass for treating you in such way over a dog....its like saying he values the dog more then he values you....if I where you I would have a hard time not telling him to grow a pair and realize that yes he should be upset but no reason to talk to me that way.
but in the end I wouldnt fight him, just let him cool down, maybe spend the night out while he cries.
I would also stop answering his calls if he is going to keep saying horrible things to you, in the end it was a mistake, and your his wife and mother of his child!!!!!
a dog can not give him a quarter of what you give him...a child, take care of him, love (the naughty kind)
in the end he can be upset and mad but talking to you that way and saying those horrible things are not ok
That's a good idea, if possible. If it was me and my husband, I wouldn't leave. I'd decide he was irrational and cry until he came back the next day. When he came back I'd try to talk to him. I don't know what your relationship or communication is like but my husband is typically incapable of conveying his emotions effectively. He has 3 emotions : good, bad and pissed.
I think too, maybe he needs to know you are devastated too and can't see past his own hurt to realize how upsetting it is to you.
I agree with all of this. Also, I'm not sure what your situation is, but I'm not understanding why he gets to kick you out of the house you share. He definitely has the right to be upset, but unless there is something else going on I don't see this as a "you need to leave the house" incident.
I agree with all of this. Also, I'm not sure what your situation is, but I'm not understanding why he gets to kick you out of the house you share. He definitely has the right to be upset, but unless there is something else going on I don't see this as a "you need to leave the house" incident.
I agree with all of this. Also, I'm not sure what your situation is, but I'm not understanding why he gets to kick you out of the house you share. He definitely has the right to be upset, but unless there is something else going on I don't see this as a "you need to leave the house" incident.
The day my dog died was honestly one of the worst days of my life. I know some people don't understand that, but it's true.
My husband has a very quick temper. In situations much less serious than this one, he has snapped and said nasty things that he shouldn't have said, and ultimately regretted.
My sense is that your husband's anger will calm as it changes to grief. It's going to be a really hard time for both of you, as you grieve the loss of his dog and also deal with the mean things he said. He might also continue to have flashes of anger at you, even if he knows that it is unhelpful and even unfair.
The most important part is going to to be communicating with each other while supporting each other. I hope you are able to do that and that things settle down for the two of you.
TTC since 10/07
11 medicated cycles
including...
4 IUIs*5 IVFs*1 FET
2 chemical pregnancies*missed m/c @8w 9/09*missed (twin) m/c @8w 5/10
Laparoscopic myomectomy 8/10
Chromosomal translocation of #2 now requires ICSI and PGD
IVF #4= success!!! G-man born 8/18/11
IVF #5 2/2013 = N born 10/10/13 at 35w3d
My doctor's appointment was at 3:30 pm and I live about an hour from the office so I left at 2:30 pm and put her out as I was leaving. Dh gets off work at 4 pm. I had her water bowl in her dog house about 10 ft from where she was chained up. She has a 15 ft long chain. It somehow got kinked up and she couldn't get to her water. I don't understand it. She had never gotten tangled up before.
I don't think you're a b@tch for saying that. I hadn't looked at it like that and I think you're right. Husband and I had some big fights last weekend and while he may have been unfair at times he remembered I was pregnant and came back (in 15 min) and didn't leave me alone or fully blame me for everything. I hadn't thought about how very very mean it is to forget she is suffering too and carrying HIS baby.
First off, sorry about the dog. Secondly, he needs to calm down. It's just an animal. Seriously. Not to belittle it but I just don't see dogs that way I guess.
I think maybe you guys show go and see a counsler about what happened to fix it.cause it's ridiculous he would say things like that to his WIFE over a dog.
My mother said the exact same thing and you are exactly right. He called me a few minutes ago saying he is sorry and he loves me and he doesn't want me to go anywhere. I told him I don't know what to say. I told him that I am just as upset as he is but putting the blame on me doesn't help either of us. He then went on to tell me that he is sorry that he never helped me take care of the dog and it was just an accident. I told him I appreciate it but we need to talk about some things when we are both level-headed. He is going to stay at his mom's tonight.
Let me start by saying that I'm really sorry that you're in this situation and that you feel your marriage is at risk. That really does suck.
However, maybe I'm the odd one out here, and I'm not trying to stir stuff up or be mean or anything, I'm honestly genuinely curious- do you live in a cooler part of the country? There are heat advisories out all over the place, and 2-4 is THE hottest part of the day. Why was the dog outside even for a couple of hours, even with water? I know the heat we're having here is phenomenally bad, and even news programs are advising to stay inside and keep pets indoors.
As I said, I'm not trying to stir stuff up, I'm just wondering.
This.
Im sorry for the situation happening to you now at this late stage of your pregnancy. I agree with lots of the other posts. DH needs to calm down, remember your his wife and mother of his child, and any animal in his life, comes second. This is a lesson he will learn now and even more so when his child arrives. Especially when its your first kid.
SECONDLY, and MOST IMPORTANT! YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL NEEDS RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO INTO PRETERM LABOR OVER THIS. YOUR MARRIAGE ISNT OVER...DONT THINK THAT WAY. JUST ALLOW SPACE BETWEEN YOU AND THAT SILENCE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. Go talk to a counselor yourself or your parents for support if need be.
Your going to be ok and so will he.
hugs!!!
I think it is absolutely and completely inappropriate how he has behaved towards you. It is unacceptable.. unless he had walked in and you had beat that dog to death... anything else, especially because it was an accident.. is NOT okay.
I don't care what his excuse is... grief, anger, whatever... that is no way to talk to you or to act. He seems very immature and doesn't seem ready to be married let alone become a father. I'm sorry if this seems harsh... I'm sure this "fight" will blow over.. but he is in desperate need of some counseling to help him deal with his anger and his actions.
I hope he gets the help he needs. I'm sorry about your dog.
I am glad he apologized and calmed down Hang in there lady!
(((((((((((((((((Labor Buddy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm soooo sorry to hear about your dog I lost my dog in November and it was devastating....it was not your fault though! Accidents happen your story makes me think of what happened to my brother's dog...he hung himself on the fence with his chain and my 5 year old nephew saw the dog hanging when my brother and my nephew came home....my brother tried to be quick but....children are quicker.
I agree with other PP, people do say mean things when they are hurt and I hope things become better with the two of you.....I remember when I hung up the phone with my vet having to say "I agree to put my dog down." totally swearing at my family, at God, at whomever was around......it doesn't make it right but people do things in the moment.....things are very strange though, because a month or so later, I became pregnant
Am here to listen to you
I may be in the minority here but I really don't see this as an accident....at least if you are living in a part of the country (which is the majority of the country today) that is in a heat wave. Here in Baltimore at 7pm the heat index is 115 degrees and that is not the heat of the day which is when you left your dog outside. Even with access to water there is no guarantee that the dog would have lived.
I am sorry you lost your dog and your husband was a butt head but honestly I think you need to reevaluate having a dog if you put them outside in this heat.
You're probably not the odd one out, but at this point there's not really anything that can come out of asking this question, except making the OP feel worse than she already does. Unfortunately, it's too late for this question to be helpful.
This! I find it hard to believe he really cares about this dog if he feels it is okay to keep her chained in the yard. You were wrong to leave the dog out in the heat, but I'm going to assume from your post that you guys never had a conversation about not doing that. So maybe that's why you are shocked at his reaction? Did you go outside in the heat at all? Did you notice how hot it was? I just don't understand. GL...
I am sorry about your loss but I am glad that he apologized and that you guys are in the process of working things out. Hugs
& this is why you don't chain dogs up outside. Unless you live in Antarctica, it's bloody HOT outside. You are both to blame for thinking that it was OK to leave the dog outside in the first place!
As for your husband, I don't blame him for being upset. His dog died a preventable death. However, I think a serious CTJ talk is in order over his behavior & how he (apparently) speaks to you when he is angry. He needs to grow the fvck up & express his anger/frustration/upset like an adult, not a petulant 3-year-old.
DH has said hurtful things when upset before, but never to the extent it sounds like your husband did. The fact that he called you back REPEATEDLY to tell you how horrible you are? Oh, heIl no. DH would be afraid to come home.
Regardless of how your marriage turns out, please, seriously re-evaluate your lifestyle (especially since you are having a baby) before you get another dog. Heatstroke is one of the absolute worst ways to die, & is entirely preventable.
No animal should be outside???? Okay, what about the one's that live there? Did all the birds and squirrels drop dead? I live in Florida, It gets this hot every summer. My dog LIVES outside, we do not bring him in for a/c just because it's summer time. He has plenty of shade, a dog house, and water... he's survived the heat for 7 years. There's nothing wrong with putting a dog outside while you leave as long as they have shade and water. I personally hate to see a dog on a chain, but if you don't have a fenced in area for them sometimes there is no alternative.
As far as the verbally and emotionally abusive husband, I would leave his butt! I'm sorry, but as a domestic violence survivor that was dumb enough to stick around for ten years, I've learned that there are some things not worth putting yourself through. I wouldn't blame him for being mad at you, because the loss of a pet is a tragic and emotional thing, but to say such awful things and then throw you out of your home? He obviously doesn't value you as much as he did his dog, which is really sad and makes me very sorry for you. Don't use the baby as an excuse. Do you want your baby to turn out like that?? That type of behavior is destructive and unacceptable. He can be sorry all he wants, being sorry doesn't undo the damage he's done. Does being sorry about the dog bring her back? I'm not saying this can't be worked through, but he has to realize the severity of what he's done because being angry is not an excuse. If you hit someone out of anger, you go to jail, no matter how angry you were. It is not okay to let anger drive your actions, it is childish and wrong. If you choose to work it out, I would definitely seek some counseling to deal with it, because both of you can hold onto the hurt you're feeling and all it will do is deteriorate your realtionship. Me, I'd just leave, but that may just be because of my "been there, done that, never again attitude." I can't imagine my DH ever saying anything so hateful to me no matter what I'd done. Not all men act soley on their emotions, which means the ones that do, have no "couldn't help it" excuse.
Uh yeah. This.
I guess I'm in the minority. But I don't blame your DH one bit for saying the things he said to you. You deserved it.
It's really sad you think that leaving a dog outside if perfectly acceptable - if you leave it outside all the time, why did you even bother to get a dog?
Your dog lives outside in the hot Florida heat? That makes me sick. Why would you even bother to get a dog if he "lives outside"??? You won't bring him for the a/c because it gets hot? That is just cruel, and it turns my stomach.