I am missing out!!!
k8trz1024
member
SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.... I NEEDED TO VENT...
Well, I am having a hard time today.. Several girls in my office and I all were due around the same time (within weeks of each other). I am the only one that lost my baby. I see these other two girls daily and it is breaking my heart knowing that I would be exactly where they are if I hadn't lost my little one.
They are finding out the gender (both having boys - which I was hoping mine was), getting their ultrasound photos (my first photo, there was no heartbeat), and starting feel their angels start to move (something that I long for!). I am trying so hard to show excitement for them but at the same time I just want to scream. I hate this daily reminder that my baby died.
I hate knowing that I will have to see them continue with their pregnancies for the next 15-20 weeks leaving me further in the dust. I hate knowing that their babies are growing and mine is gone. I hate knowing that they are having sons like I could not. I hate that they are so happy. I hate that I have to fake being happy for them. I hate that everyone else is always talking about their babies and not remembering that I had to let go of mine. I hate when these girls complain about annoying pregnancy symptoms! Some of us don't have them anymore and want them - don't be so inconsiderate!!! Be grateful for your symptoms - You have a baby that I cannot have!!!!!!!
All there is to do is just to just continue to watch their bellies grow and dread the feeling when the babies do come. I hate that I will always look at their children knowing that my little one would have been the same age. It makes me realize how empty my heart really is right now. No one understands why - I should be over it already, but I never think I will be... Instead of a baby in my belly, I have an empty space in my heart and soul.
Re: I am missing out!!!
I don't think that we'll ever "get over it". Everyone I've talked to said you never do. Walking around with this burden feels like a lot to ask for the rest of my life. I hear it gets easier to deal with on a daily basis though. My H's grandmother, 93 years old, still remembers her losses and she gets confused sometimes. I had cards waiting in my mailbox when I came home from the hospital, from people I hadn't even met. Telling me of their losses, 15 and 30 years later. Word spread fast in our small town. It's something we will carry with us, I'm still trying to convince myself of that; that it won't go away.
I understand what you're talking about. I'm thinking daily of the things I "should" be doing with my baby. Of friends of mine, due within weeks of me, that are doing those things now. It hurts so bad.
You're not alone. Small comfort, I know. No one should have to deal with this. I guess that's the price we pay for trying to bring kids into this world and raise them. The worry never goes away. The trade-off is love. I hope we all get to experience it.
Oh sweetie...that is brutal. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have a hard time even walking by a pregnant woman at the grocery store never mind having to listen to every little detail of a pregnancy every day!
It is never going to be easy watching them go through each step and then finally have their babies. You lost something that you hoped and dreamed for and that will never change. I hope that every day is just a little easier than the last. Will be thinking about you and praying that you have strength and grace to get through this.
BFP 6/11/2011. Heartbeat seen on u/s 6/29. No heartbeat 7/13 at 9w0d. D&C 7/18.
Missing our little bean. Our hearts broke when yours stopped beating.
BFP 1/3/2012. Please God...let this be our take home baby!
THANK YOU!!!
Thank you all for your kind words. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this... I sure do wish it was as easy as hiding someone on FB!!!!! I feel horrible trying to ignore these friends of mine, but I think it's what I need to do for a little bit. If I only have to fake being happy for them every once in a while it'll be easier... right? Hopefully?
Good luck to all of you and thanks again for all your support. I am so thankful I found these boards - they help me keep my sanity! I think it's really healing to give others encouragement too. Thanks again!!!
Make a pregnancy ticker