My mom is obsessed with me being pregnant
rachellaura86
member
I apologize as I have posted about frustrations with my mom before but it is driving me insane. I really like hearing from people who can relate.
My mom is severely depressed, I am an only child, her focus is 10000000000% on me. It is very very suffocating. She honestly has nothing else going on, as she is not working and sits in the house all day. She is physically and mentally not well. She is extremely sensitive about everything.
I obviously want her involved in my pregnancy and with my baby, but she takes things to such an extreme. She uses my pregnancy as an excuse to call me constantly, at least 2x a day. I just gently asked her to call less, as I am exhausted and am working a full time job right now as well as starting my own business. ?She did listen to me and is calling a bit less, but I feel like I hurt her feelings. I always end up feeling guilty and as if I'm not doing enough for her.
My current gripe is that she has been emailing me- no joke-- at least 10-15 times a day with different decorating ideas for the nursery or things to buy for the baby. After I asked her to call less, its seems the emailing got worse. I know if I say something, I am just going to hurt her feelings again, but I feel like I need to set boundaries and this is so ridiculous. I need breathing room!
I want to make decisions about what to buy my baby primarily with my husband. She treats me like I am still 8 years old and need help with everything. I want her involved to some extent, but I want her to stop obsessing over everything. I told her I want to decorate the nursery in lavender and in no time I got bombarded with emails with different lavender accessories.?It also is ridiculous that I see some of her emails are sent to me at 2 or 3 am, and to think she is just sitting up all night researching baby products on the internet is ridiculous.
Thanks for listening, I just want to scream! I also understand that I am lucky she is involved.... so I dont mean to sound ungrateful...... pregnancy is just so overwhelming and it doesnt help to have my mother breathing down my neck....?
Re: My mom is obsessed with me being pregnant
Oh man, that's a tough one. It doesn't help that she's physically not well... No distractions what so ever. I don't really have any ideas... Except maybe to give her ONE thing to plan and tell her you want it to be a total surprise for you (as in, if you tell me about it, it won't be a surprise, so keep it to yourself). Not that it would keep her from bugging you, but at least it would give her something to focus on that you wouldn't have to hear about 12 times a day. Maybe request that she put together a family tree for baby (a really, really long family tree!).
Who knows. I'm sorry you have to deal with that though. I'd lose it.
My mom was a bit over zealous with my first, so I sort of understand.
At least when you asked her to call less, she respected your wishes. I truthfully think the emails are harmless. You can read (or not read) them at your leisure. If she's obsessing, maybe it's giving her something positive to focus on instead of being depressed. I remember how frustrated I was PG with my first and my mom wanted a part of everything, and all I wanted was DH. My mom no longer works, and unfortunately now is ill. Knowing that there's another grand child coming keeps her alive. I'm sure its a huge inconvenience for you, but maybe it's giving your mother something she really needs.
When she overwhelms you maybe you could just say something like 'mom, I need a little breathing room'. That's how I handle mine, and even if her feelings are a little hurt, it's ok. Everyone, pregnant or not, needs space and independence from their moms. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking for it, as long as you do it kindly.
HTH.
I struggle with things like this with my dad, I have to watch EVERYTHING I say. I always feel guilty for not being close to him, but in reality its his fault. I need healthy boundries.
Maybe just tell her you are worried about her and how late some of the emails are? Or try to involve her in something she can focus on. Give her a project
I do that with MIL.It helps her feel valued and included without me being burdened either.
Mom is always asking "are you talking to our baby?" She says "i'm going to be really upset if you're not talking to that baby - you've got to talk to em."- like it's a houseplant or something. Crazy lol
Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Your story about her sounds the same too, all but the emailing, she doesn't have a computer. I'm not an only child, but my sister is 20 years older than me, so I'm the baby and it was like I was an only child. I think it makes things worse to be an only child or the baby of the family; moms seem to be more smothering.
Mom's do tend to obsess, especially when there is a new grandbaby involved. I'm sorry you are feeling like you are. Hope things get better. I know how you feel and I can honestly say that.
I love my mom. I just feel she smothers me, especially now that I'm pregnant with her only grandbaby. I'm thankful she's around though.
I do have an idea...
Come up with one thing that she can put all her focus and energy into and that you are okay with her "taking the wheel" with. Set aside a little "meeting time"(15-25min?) the same time every week for you two to sit down and go over her recommendations about the topic during that specified time only (be firm about this).
I am worried however, if you do this, that she still won't stick to the subject you choose for her or the time the you set especially aside for her to talk about it. If she can't stick to you boundries (and it sound like see is having a difficult time with this) unfortunaly any ideas might be mute.
If she is suffering from some mental illness, in my opinion, you cannot continue to be afraid that you will always be 'hurting her feelings'. I'm not trying to downplay what a difficult situation it is to help care take for such a person and whom is your mother, I just feel as though if your sensitive, that doesn't mean you need to be a pushover.
What a complex situation.... I hope you find some luck or resolve.
I'm new to these message boards, and I had no idea other people were as annoyed with their mom as I am with mine! My mom isn't calling and emailing me all the time, but my DH and I have been married almost 5 years and for the last couple of years she has asked me repeatedly when she can expect to be a grandma. When I finally told her I was pregnant, and my DH and I were excited to start our family, she said "Well, it's MY grandchild." It was almost like she was arguing with me over whose child this is going to be. Whenever I talk to her she calls it "our baby." I know she's just excited, but this is MY baby (and my husbands, of course!). Then she didn't want me to tell anyone in our family I was pregnant, SHE wanted to be the one to do it.
My mom isn't necessarily mentally ill, but she's the type who really likes attention, and my pregnancy is a way for her to get the attention she craves.
Anyway- I'm sorry to hear that your mom is overwhelming you- I agree with the others that you don't HAVE to read all of her emails, or leave them in your inbox until you have time to read them. Or, giving her a specific thing to be in charge of is also a good idea- particularly something you don't really care about. Are you going to register? Maybe you could ask her to research brands of strollers or something like that.
Good luck to you and congratulations!
Make a pregnancy ticker
I am glad I am not the only one! Since i told my mom i was pregnant EVERY single converstation we have is about babies and showers and anything else baby related. At first i was like well she is excited ill let it go but its gotten worse and worse now I am to the point where I sit there looking bored with her rambling. She gave me such an additude saying I am not excited about this baby and how i am crabby. She just got a job last week after being laid off for over a year i thought this would ease the obsession but its not. She drills me with questions and concerns. AND to top it off my boyfriend and I live below my parents because we are buying a house at the end of the month. ( Luckily). She doesnt understand the fact that she is over whelming me to no end.
My dad brought up our fight ( because of course i snapped and yelled ) and says i am not being fair to her and shes just excited. I knew he would side with her and all i had to say was there is being exciting and there is giving me anxiety and overwhelming me. My boyfriend is wonderful and understands what i am going through.. I am just glad I am no the only one.
PS- I am also a only child ( and in my opinion the only child gets smothered to pieces)
See, it's strange, because I totally thought my mom would be like this! She's basically only excited about the baby shower and keeps asking me questions about that.
Oh, and she wants me to have all MY old baby clothes?! Yeah, that's weird.
(But kind of cool at the same time. As long as they aren't disgusting by now!!)
I really like one PP's suggestion that she get a specific task like looking up a lavender bed set. Then she'll actually be helpful! I totally went through that with my wedding. I was in another country and my mom was crazy about researching for the wedding. Now, not so much! I kind of wish she was, because I feel a bit clueless (many times!)