Blended Families
A comment a friend made.... WDYT?
I was out with a friend, and we were talking about my skids bmom. Out of the blue, my friend started giggling and said "bmom is crazy, and nobody would ever want her, she has four kids from two different men already".
This totally caught me off guard. I thought it was a really mean thing to say. I guess I want to know how others feel about a person who has four kids from 2 failed relationships. I really thought it was a cruel statement but at the same time, I know on the flipside I would be very reluctant to be in a relationship like that (just too complicated I guess).
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Re: A comment a friend made.... WDYT?
I think having 4 kids, even with one man is a turn off to a lot of men. I don't think the two failed relationships is going to be the main factor.
I have 2 kids with two failed relationships, and I've never had a problem with meeting men and dating. I think if she really is kinda crazy and doesn't have much to offer, then I can see your friends point.
For me, I am really structured with my kids (kid now that my oldest is older), I have never had drama with my ex's, and I never got anyone I dated involved in any of the issues or problems with the kids. I think it really just boils down to the kind of person you are and that you don't drag your baggage around and be negative.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I guess it depends on the circumstances. My mom has 6 kids by 4 different men. She was married to my (and my two younger brothers, ages 25, 24, 23) father. She was engaged to my sister's(23) father, then my little brothers(8) father was around for 10 years, but bailed when she got pregnant. With the youngest (a sister, almost 5) her(my mom's) boyfriend is 25 years older than she and I guess she didn't think they'd have children so my little sister was a surprise. But they where all relationships. It makes a difference.
Compared to my my former aunt-by-marriage, who married my uncle, had his child, then subsequently cheated in a series of one night stands to have 4 (that we know of, though my family suspects more) more kids, of which my uncle raises 3 that she abandoned with my family and left the state.
So I suppose one would need to know why she has kids by different men. I don't judge my mom, who has 6 by 4 because the 4 where commited relationships. I do judge my aunt who has 6 by 6 because she can't keep her lages closed and then abandons her children because she can't keep her legs closed or a least try to use protection.
My SIL has 4 kids. DD1 she had at 17 by BD1. DD2 she had at 19 by BD2. She has no contact with either man.
She is now married to the most wonderful man and has 2 kids by him. All four kids call her H "Dad" and he stepped up to be there for them in the most amazing way.
IMO, it depends on the people.
I had four kids by my ex. We were young and he was military when we met and married. Where we were, that's what you did. Recreation by procreation is what I call it. The husbands would be gone for months at a time so the wives would have kids to raise and houses to take care of. That's how it was. We had two girls, he wanted a boy, I didn't want three kids so that was that. He became disabled and I had to step up to the plate, taking care of him and the kids and working my keister off to pay the bills.
I grew up into a completely different person between the time we had our kids and we separated. I met my DH sixteen years ago, and he accepted the full package - me, kids, ex and eventually ex's whacked wife and family and those crazy relationships delving into ours and the kids'. He's responsible, well-educated (advanced degree), respected (top 100 employer and an expert in his field) and respectable (pays his bills early, doesn't drink/smoke/abuse), among many descriptors; he's not a desperate or dunderheaded schlub with few choices or little self-respect.
On the other hand, my DD has three kids with three different men. Our dysfunctional lives when she was young affected her to the point that as a teen she was a runaway (we had "too many rules"), used drugs and went from man to mak in a desperate search for love and acceptance. Yet she has never had a problem finding guys to date, have relationships with, marry (well, most of them she had a problem with the marriage part but one did marry her) and live with and help raise her kids. They're called "fixers" and lots of women with kids and problems manage to find them. Or abusers.
You never know. She may grow up and meet someone special like I did. She may find a "fixer" who wants to fix her. Or someone who sees desperation and takes advantage. Or she may remain alone.
Yes, it was a crappy thing to day. Besides, is it a problem if she never finds a man anyway? Some women do make that choice as well.
If it was out of no where, and she didn't know anything about her but she had four kids and two different fathers, I think it is mean, but her opinion and telling you is not the same as telling the bmom. But if she knew all of the information, from you, or the bmom, I think would think she was just stating her own opinion because she knows the entire case.
I would not want to wrapped up in a situation like that myself. When I hear of this kind of case I always think of them as a modern Brady Bunch or Cheaper by the Dozen.
Check us out
I was recently in the elevator of a hotel and two men were talking about a friend of thiers. The third friend had a gf who was pregnant. They were talking about how he should run from the situation - - this was her third child by three different men (including their friend).
The conversation was interesting to me b/c I never heard the male perspective on that situation. DH had dated women before me who were divorced / had kids - but only one father to their kids.
I think it depends on the situation, but even if she is a mess it's a pretty cruel thing to say. Better to say nothing.
Also, in fairness, a lot of these women who have children with multiple men aren't the ones who decide to leave - a woman cannot control if a man impregnates her and then takes off.
I err on the side of treating every person I meet like a human being - helps me avoid ever being the one who says something like that about another person.