Adoption
Dr.Loretta
member
HTT: justifying adoption
Dr.Loretta
member
in Adoption
I've noticed a lot of posts from newbies* who worded their intro posts like they had to justify why they're now choosing adoption. Mostly people dealing with IF who specifically point out that adoption was always something they were interested in, or wanted to do. I feel like they think they might be flamed for not saying it, like people on this board might tell them they're thinking of adoption as a second choice.
Thoughts?
*Not singling anyone in particular out, just noticing it these days
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Re: HTT: justifying adoption
It's interesting that you should point this out.
I've noticed that I have done it from time to time. I'm in a pretty public position, and I have to explain to people what we're up to with growing our family.
From time to time, when I go to tell them we're adopting, I go into a long story about my IF and Pg Loss issues. And that we've always wanted to adopt anyway, and how it will be good for us.
Anyway, I spend too much time explaining why.
There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to just joyfully say, 'we're adopting' and leave it at that.
Funny how we try to justify ourselves sometimes.
Interesting point Dr. L.
You should only have to justify your adoption to your social worker, attorney, judge, agency, birthmother and child.
We're not owed an explanation.
Of course, if someone posts something here that leads me to question their motives, I'm going to pry. I know that people can start the process with a very narrow viewpoint, so hopefully they would stick around and learn and their motives would change.
How's this for a hot topic/flameful post:
Almost everybody could say that at one point they imagined adoption/adopting. That part is all rosy and sweet, and worldly... or something. But, it often sounds so shallow to me, like if they never got to a point in IF it would have just been a fleeting thought. (This is not directed at anyone in particular, and obviously doesn't apply to those who don't consider themselves adopting after IF).
Other people have to actually weigh the pros and cons, and make hard decisions like choosing IA over DA, or infant over older child, or "healthy" vs. special needs. There are so many choices to make and things to consider I don't think people who've really truly looked into/lived through it can make a genuine claim.
I don't know if I've expressed this coherently. And, I'm obviously very emotionally attached to the subject right now.
I really don't think anyone needs to justify their decision to adopt, but I don't believe people who haven't been involved IRL with adoption (through personal experience in any part of the triad or worker team or actual research and consideration) can make any genuine claims about having always "thought" about doing adoption.
I guess I think honest claims need something more serious to back them up.
Janie -- I feel that way a lot as well. I always imagined myself adopting growing up b/c I was adopted by my "stepmother" after my biological mother died. In our home, we always said "blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood." It doesn't mean it was easy and perfect, and unfortunately b/c of some family circumstances and issues I am missing a lot of information about my biological mother. But I have always felt like biology didn't matter and just knew that I would have children in whatever ways possible in my home from the time I was very young -- whether biological, DIA, FA, IA or whatever.
(Not that I meant my response to turn into a justification -- but just wanted to illustrate, I totally see where you're coming from and have felt the same way on occasion.)
Same here. I mean I know I had imagined it before. But it was just a novel idea until I was really faced with IF, the same way I've thought that maybe Marky Mark will profess his undying love for me and steal me away to a fabulous life of hot sex, expensive furniture and good food. (I have not, unfortunately, genuinely faced such a predicament).
I'm like 5th or 6th - but I have also noticed the "adoption has always been something I wanted to do" in intros. Its not a bad thing.
and I'll be honest, adoption was something I was never interested in until I came face to face with IF.
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you didn't plan on adopting, that you planned on having biological kids. I don't think that by saying that you're saying that it's "second best" or anything like that.... it's just a different choice (I have bio and adopted children, BTW) Many people who finally make the choice to begin an adoption process really wanted biological children and THAT IS OK! There is loss associated with that decision, disappointment, and pain. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you really wanted a biological child - I don't think it means you will love your adopted child any less, but it is a change in the path that you thought your life was going to take and that's hard.
I think a lot of people say it, because it's the truth for a lot of people. I know IF couples who had no interest in adopting and now live child free.
I think some people have to go through some stuff before they get here, but they get here because it was always on their radar.
I wouldn't say that I "always" wanted to adopt, but my heart was open to it in 2000, when my cousin brought twins home from India, almost a decade to the month before we brought our son home. It was something that I broached with my now husband on our third or fourth date. It was a dealbreaker for me.
The hardest part in our journey is that he wasn't as ready as soon as I was. That for him it was "someday" and for me it was now.
I think some people are trying to be sensitive of other people's feelings who have already adopted. Most of us come onto this board with minimal information about adoption and its something we're trying to learn about. The culture on this board is different than that on others so you have to learn the ins and outs. I don't want anyone to think that adoption is a last case scenario for me (ie that I'm jsut taking the road you chose because nothing else worked out so I guess I will "settle" for this). That would likely be super sensitive for people who have chosen adoption and have beautiful wonderful children because of it. Also an intro is about telling your story - who you are and how you got here. If I say I've always considred adoption, then I've always considred adoption. It's not for someone else to say that my statemtn has nothing behind it because there is no action to back it up or I have no experience iwth adoption. I don't get that.
Even though I am considering adoption after a diagnosis of IF, I think "Adoption has always been something I've considered" is sufficient. I don't think further proof of that statment is necessary. I could say when I was a child I thought I was adopted but wasn't, that my family is coo coo so I've always worried about passing on my DNA, that I travelled the wrold extensively and always considered international adoption, that when I was 25 I resarched adoption as a single woamn extensively and even completed the required 9 week training program through the state, that we pursued TTC b/c my husband wanted a genetic link to our child, that after our diagnosis of IF I cried unconsollably and was depressed for several months because I was so upset I couldn't give him what HE wanted and because I felt betrayed by my body - NOT because it meant the loss of a biological child, that we considered IUI, IVF or other treatments briefly but didn't try any before moving on to thoughts of adoption because for us it wasn't worth going down that path when our goal was to be parents, not to give birth, and that now we're taking our time to do research to further search our hearts to make sure that we understand where we're going and what the ramifications are and that we are making the best possible choice so that there is never any doubt for our child that this was done on a whim or without much consideration or without a completely full and open heart. I could have said all of that but I think "Adoption has always been something I've considered" is sufficient and I should be able to offer that without having my motives for saying that questioned as if I am justifying something.
If some newbies do say that to justify their choice to keep from getting flamed I can't say I blame them. I say very little on this board aftr getting totally flamed for a comment I made - a comment I prefaced with this is just my opinion, I'm not judging anyone else, this is my personal feelings, etc. and was answering a question where someone ASKED for people's opinions. If people are not able to express their opinions and thoughts without getting flamed and use that as an opportunity for people to learn and be supported, it should be no surprise that people feel the need to justify their comments and that the board is slow and a lot of people lurk but don't post. Just my 2 cents. Go ahead - flame away.
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012
Honestly, I hear "I've always wanted to adopt!" everywhere I go. Remember my story last week about the insensitive boob who what trying to tell me that M didn't lose anything when he was adopted? Yeah.
Generally, I judge on a case by case basis, just like I judge any other aspect of a person's character. If it seems that the person is genuinely interested, then I take it on face value that the person really would like to know more about adoption out of a personal interest, whether or not they'll actually pursue it. But I do think that a lot of time this just means that they are fascinated by adoption, and not that they'd ever really seriously consider it for their own families.
If the person claiming they've always thought about adoption follows up the statement with random myths or stories about friends who've had horrific experiences, my eyes roll and I realize what they are really leading up to are all the reasons they think adoption is weird, dangerous, second-best, saintly, or just not for them.
Just like with anything else in life, I judge people's intentions and sincerity by what they say and how they present themselves.
I agree, for the purposes of this board. As I said above, I only judge the statement if it seems it's insincere. If you've found this board and taken the time to post, I assume you are at least somewhat serious about gathering information about adoption, and that's cool. We all need to start somewhere, and adoption's not right for every family. I think it's very courageous for someone to look into/research it and decide it's not right for them, provided they make those decisions based on facts and not myths and stories.
Nature, I remember the incident you are talking about, and quite frankly, I think you are overreacting by saying you were flamed and implying that we aren't open to other's opinions here. That's simply not the nature of this board. In all my time posting here, I've only witnessed one true flaming, which I did think was inappropriate and I truly wish never happened. Candm, if you still lurk, I'd wish you'd start posting again!
In fact, I think this board is very open to varying opinions, but is also populated with a group of strong women who speak their minds--so they will let you know if they disagree with you and try to persuade you to their way of thinking. You will not be called names, and posts are almost always written in a respectful way. Even if the entire board disagrees with your viewpoint and says it, the posters here go out of their way to be polite and maintain their composure while expressing their opinions on even the most heated topics. That's why we can post HTTs and have a meaningful discourse.
When I received my IF diagnosis, I wanted to research all the ways to build a family and I would be lying if I didn't say my first choice is to carry a child and experience a pregnancy but at the same time; spend a boat load of money that's not a sure bet (IF treatments) or potentially spend a boat load adopting and in theory, have a more sure bet of being parents via adoption?
I have a lot of self exploration to do, and we aren't in the phase of actively trying to expand our family so that's good we have time.
On the Hallmark Adoption Special in an episode one of the adoption agencyterrepresentatives says it like this "Its not a Plan B" Its just taking a different route to the same place. It really doesnt matter how you get there, it just matters that you get there
Exactly. Way too many, unfortunately, just don't see it that way. Living child free, to us, would have been the end of the world, not not being able to have a bio kid or experience pregnancy. While I still mourn the pregnancy aspect, what we have in our son is SO much greater than that.
I think most people that are coming here are coming from infertility. Due to the nature of infertility they are just used to explaining themselves. "Well, we are going to try such and such medication. I know it is risky but..." They are used to defending themselves on other boards that are snarky and don't really know how to approach people in a room where the subject has been taboo for so long. I can't really blame anyone.
However, I want to piggy back on this topic and add to what CaptainSerious mentioned:
I have more animosity toward people who have biological children and say "oh I always wanted to adopt" than people who are actually doing it claiming they always had that preference in their heart.
Statements like my sister's, "oh it doesn't matter what sex our current baby is going to be, because after a couple of kids we will adopt whatever sex we don't have" are belittling to the adoption process and personal choices.
Captain Serious: I did feel flamed but I should have been fair and not attribute taht flaming to the whole board or say the whole board isn't open to varying opinions. It was one person.
Fredalina: I am more than able to "put on my big girl panties" (funny by the way) and I do all the time but that's not what I come HERE for. As many know, the IF journey is so difficult. And then you (some of us) come out of that into a limbo phase and the "not knowing" part is so difficult. And then you start down the beginning of the adoption journey and that is so difficult (broaching the subject with family, exploring your own true thoughts and feelings, thinking about the financial impact, trying to learn a whole new language and feeling kind of like a kindergarten starting out with no knowledge). I assume the rest of the adoption journey has its challenges too. So many people probably find there way here a bit beaten up and battered. I was just looking to gain knowledge, and to some extent for support. I am not the least bit interested in putting on my big girl panties and dealing with any drama or conflict and if that's what my comments will solicit, I prefer to stay quiet. I'm sure I will stick my toe in the water a little more and more as I feel comfortable :-)
And I didn't take this as Dr. L calling me out (I did an intro quite a while ago and quite honestly can remeber if I said "I've always considered adoption" or not). I was jsut trying to respond as a newbie to offer an explanation of why some people may offer what seems like a justification. But no I am not so senstivie that I took her post personally.
I am sure this is a great board. I have learned a lot - including to sometimes keep my mouth shut! (or my typing fingers still) :-)
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012
I would agree with this. I hear it quite a bit. I mostly just roll my eyes at it, because if they think adopting is easier than just getting their IUD out, well, have at it!
Ok so this is going to be my rant. after reading above posts I really cant bite my tounge in this matter.
My best friend in the world and I were visiting the other day, now keep in mind she is a mother of 5 year old twin girls and trying for another very soon. Then she mentioned to me that after she had one more pregnancy she was going to adopt because there were so many "unwanted" kids in this world. I LITERALY came unglued. I couldn't believe she said that. Like she was taking "pity" on all the adoptees out there because they weren't wanted. I take this VERY personally because a) Im adopted and so are my brother and sister, and I dont and never have felt "unwanted" b) im a Birthmother and SHE Knows thaIt!! and it wasn't that I didn't want my kids by ANY MEANS (I placed Triplets in 02 and a singleton in 03 both open adoptions) I at that time in my life couldn't give my kids the life I wanted.
and the other "justification" of sorts I got for someone to adopt was that she didn't want to "ruin" her body. I mean come on? If you are stuck that much onyourself , you probably shouldn't be a parent in the first place.
Ok, thanks for letting me vent
Whoa. Could she fit anything other than her feet in that mouth of hers? That's awful.
Omg she is evil. I want to throat punch her. If anyone ever insinuates my beautiful son was unwanted or unloved there will be hell to pay. We have an open adoption and he is loved, by many people, that's why an adoption plan was made. To give him a future.
I just want to say that as I have read through all the responses, it made me as a mostly lurker newishbie feel more welcome. When I did my intro (many moons ago) I am certain I did not say that adoption was something that I have always thought about. It wasn't, and it is good to see that I am not the only one. I don't post often as I am usually several days behind trying to catch up on what is happening with everyone, and at this point in my journey (stalled journey) I am a complete Debbie Downer.
Thanks ladies for being here with advice, encouragement and warm, welcoming spirits.