Husband bummed...
Yesterday we had our 20 week anatomy scan and while I didn't want to find out the gender, my husband did. So we had the tech tell him but not me. Well that drove me crazy and by late afternoon, I had him tell me. He said he told the tech he thought it was a girl and she said that he was right. Problem is he really really wanted a boy. I am happy with a girl, but I was also hoping for a boy too, mostly because I knew he really wanted one.
Now I feel guilty because I was a little sad it was a girl. Also, he seems really bummed about it. I know that when she arrives, he will change his mind and fall absolutely in love with her. But in the meantime I can't think of anything to say to him to make him feel better.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this either because we promised that if we found out, we would keep the gender a secret from the rest of our family and just have it something between the two of us!
Any suggestions on how to handle this? Did your DH have the same feelings and how long did it take to get over?
Re: Husband bummed...
When we found out DS was a boy I was a little sad and we even were hoping for a boy! The way I see it, either way you lose the hope of having either one. If they had told me DS was a girl I probably would have still been disappointed that it wasnt a boy. I have to say though that I wouldnt have it any other way though, him being a boy and if he was a girl I would feel the same way
In the end I really don't think it matters and your husband will get excited about his baby girl. I bet she will even be a daddy's girl!
I think he probably just needs a little bit of time to absorb it. My DH and I were both pulling for a boy as well, and I admitted to him that I would feel sad if it were a girl...which I felt AWFUL about, but when you have certain "plan" in your head its ok to feel like your bubble burst when it doesn't turn out the way you hoped for.
I don't think there is much you can say to him, but I think just give it a little time and you will see that he starts to fall in love with the idea of having a little princess
He will get over it. My DH was hoping for a boy as well. He wasn't bummed, but kind of shocked when we found out it was a girl.
Now he's madly in love with our future daughter. It's really adorable!! Don't worry.
DH and I were certain that our LO was a boy...I guess she surprised both of us
At first DH was disappointed but now that I am farther along and we are starting to discuss names (we found one we both like) and nursery themes, he is really happy. And I am sure our little girl will have him wrapper around her little finger.
Hopefully he will get over himself and be delighted with his healthy child. There are plenty of deserving fathers out there who aren't so lucky, and would be thrilled to be expecting a healthy little girl.
Really no need for that... it wasn't an ungrateful post at all. I guarantee you that your pregnancy hasn't been all sunshine and beanie babies and that you have hit an emotional speed bump along the way. Stop trying to make others feel bad just to make yourself feel better.
You should probably just gofuckourself you ignorant little harpie.
This exactly.
I completely agree
For all the posters telling the original poster to "get over it" and be happy for a healthy baby and assuming she has never had any difficulties in her pregnancy or experienced a loss in the past, quit it, you're diminishing something that bothers her that she came here looking for advice on.
To the original poster.....when I was pregnant with my first aside from wanting a healthy baby because we all know that deep down that's what everyone truly wants I really wanted to have a boy too. I had always pictured myself having what people around me have called "The Rich Man's Family" two kids: a little boy with a younger sister. The moment I found out I was pregnant I thought it was a girl and I was so looking forward to seeing dh interact with our daughter! Throughout my pregnancy I got a lot of comments about how the men in dh's family don't "make" baby girls and how I was definitely having a boy and looked liked I was having a boy blah, blah, blah. We did not find out what we were having until delivery and after a very traumatic emergency c-section I woke up from my anesthesia to my husband crying by my bedside telling me we had a little girl. He as well thought all along we were having a girl although we openly admit to anyone that when we pictured and talked about our future family we had said we always wanted a boy first.
I'm sure the shock factor will wear off in a bit and like everyone says your husband will be over the moon in love with his little girl. Google Gender Disappointment......despite what some might say or argue it is real and not something one can control. I think I read somewhere someone say that "it doesn't matter what your plans were for your family because it can all change and you learn to love what you have and in the end can't imagine life any other way" (or something along those lines). I also read about this on Google because in the beginning of this pregnancy I not my husband was hoping for a boy......now I kind of think it'd be neat for my daughter to have a little sister, in all honesty it doesn't matter. Please don't let anyone dismiss your or your husbands feelings on this subject!
That.
I see nothing wrong with allowing yourself and your husband some time to feel a little disappointed. Just try to remind yourself that you have a healthy baby coming into this world shortly that you can cuddle and kiss and care for and LOVE.
Maybe try to get DH involved in some baby shopping to distract him? Have him come with you to pick out some stuff? Once he sees how special his little girl is, I bet he forgets how he felt!
I hate these comments. Of course they are happy for a heathly child. Of course they are greatful. They are just disappointed and bummed. That's a normal feeling.
Although I was happy to find out our baby is a boy (and we wanted a boy), I was a little bummed to know that I wasn't having a girl. Either way, I think I would have felt this--and I think it's totally normal.
You post on this site, you are going to get a variety of opinions. I don't think my reply was mean just because I don't see where the OP's husband is coming from, nor do I in any way see being "bummed" when your child is healthy. Surprised, maybe a little shocked? Sure. Disappointed and bummed? Can't get there, sorry.
You are entitled to think otherwise. She asked, she's going to get honest answers. This was mine.
It really is a common, normal reaction. From both parents. The indignation accomplishes nothing.
It's also almost always temporary, however, so not something to be worried about. Especially not this soon. So I'm not sure 'handling it' is necessary, at least not in terms of actively working to change his mind. That can create unnecessary stress on both of you.
Me too. Oh, and how do you know we never had T-TTC?? I certainly did. I even had emergency surgery to remove a tube. But I'm not going to discredit other girl's questions or feelings about things b/c of it.
We're on our third baby girl, so I TOTALLY know how you and H are feeling. It's completely normal to have a preference and be a little bummed when when don't get what you hoped you would.
Does it mean you don't want your healthy baby girl? Of course not! You will love her just as much as you would a son. And when she's here, you won't be able to imagine your life any other way. You'll look back and say "what was I thinking -- girls are so awesome!"
Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. It's OK to be a little bummed. In a few weeks you will both be excited when you start going over names, and your H talks about putting her in a convent @ 16, and how she can never date because he knows how guys are. Just give him a little time to get used to the idea of something new.
Really, I think that guys perfer boys because they are scared of raising girls -- they would never admit it, but I really think that is it. They don't know what to do with their parts, they aren't so good about feelings and emotions, and they know that they will love those little women with all of their heart and that one day some guy (much like themselves) will hurt her and there is nothing they can do about it. It's probably just REALLY scary for him. But he'll be OK!
I have to say, even though we both really wanted a boy this time but are still so excited to be having a healty baby girl, I am a little jealous of the relationship my H has with our girls. They both fall all over him and they have him wrapped around their little fingers. I'm sure it will be the same for you!
Congrats & welcome to team pink!
Oh Sam, you beat me to it. Everytime.
Any parent in their right mind wants a healthy baby and is grateful that they are blessed to have one, so let's not even start that horse and pony show. Laying guilt on someone for having an easier time in the conception department (and who knows if it even was easy- lots of assumptions here) is uncalled for. Everyone at sometime in life gets delt a shi!tty hand, and I've had my share too both with a loss and TTC. Still, her and her husband's feelings shouldn't be discredited. It's not like they're getting an abortion now or going to sell her on the black market after birth.
OP- My DH and I were convinced that this baby was a girl. Right down to picking out the bedding and just coming shy of hitting the 'pay' button. We were 'shocked' to say the least when the US tech said 'another boy!' It took me at least 2 weeks to come to grips with the fact that we will never have 'said girl.' It takes some time when you have your mind set on one thing and you're thrown another. It's not that I'm ungrateful to be having a healthy baby, or anything of the like. It's wrapping my head around the fact that I will never get to experience the things you do with a daughter as opposed to a son. Am I overjoyed for Ty to have a brother? Yes. Am I thrilled that it's a viable pregnancy and healthy? Yes. Am I going to love him any less? No. However, I still long for the girl that I thought he was.
DH and I were actually both hoping for a boy... so I think we were both a little bummed at first. But my DH figures that he's going to get a daddy's girl (one of my fears) and I'm hoping to correct some egregious errors I think my mom made raising me.
We're both on board with having a girl now, so I think it really does just take time.
This!
Personally, I think he will have no problem getting over it in time. I got over my initial disappointment that it was a girl. I wanted a boy but my SO wanted a girl. I think that part of us always has in mind the way we want our family to be and being disappointed at first can be a natural reaction when that vision doesn't happen. But we get over it and move on. I am happy to be having a girl now and even happier that she is healthy!
While I agree that it's infuriating to read when someone wants/doesn't want a particular gender, I think that sometimes it's helpful to take a step back and realize that there may be a reason behind that that is not so obvious to everyone in the 'room'. I have learned that in some cases there are real fears behind specific gender, and it has nothing to do with not wanting that baby it has to do with whatever they are scared/nervous about.
I remember when DD was born and we were told she was a girl (we were team green). One of the first things DH said to me was, "But I don't know what to DO with a girl!" It wasn't b/c he didn't want her or love her--in fact, I think he bonded with her quicker than I did, even. It was that he was terrified that he wouldn't be a good dad to her.
He has since learned that, with anything else, being a parent is what you make of it. He plays princess with her, wears her tiaras if she requests it at a tea party, and ten minutes later they'll be practicing how to slam dunk a basketball and build a fort. He's learned how to parent a girl along the way b/c I expressed confidence in him, and he wanted to be a good dad. Period.
I would take it easy on him. I would just about guarantee it's out of fear more than anything else, and saying "But don't you WANT a girl?" and the like isn't going to help. If he was a giant douchebag and said something horrible or insensitive or crass about having a daughter that would be different. But he didn't. So cut him a little slack where appropriate and give him some time.
We were sure it was a girl, but found out at 25 weeks that it is a boy! I think the folks who say you will be bummed either way are right. I am very happy that he is healthy and growing well and that is all that really matters!
I totally agree. I'm not trying to be mean, but really save your disappointment for something important. There are boards full of couples who would give their right arm and have given their life savings and then some, for the chance to have a child, boy or girl. I'm sure this isn't meant to come off as whiny, but it just does.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
BIC said it perfectly.
And I caution anyone from suggesting that someone is ungrateful for their child because of gender disappointment. That's like saying because I lost my Mom at 9 y/o that I should go ahead and begrudge every person that posts about disliking their mother or MIL. Just because you had a difficult time TTC and there are deserving parents out there that would love ___ gender doesn't mean the OP shouldn't or can't have these feelings. Period.
Seriously, people. Get some perspective and don't make assumptions when you don't know the whole story.
I have plenty of perspective. You have a 50/50 shot at each gender. To be "really bummed" that you missed the coin toss? Wow.
If it's going to be an issue that you get the one you didn't want, it's time to head over to in-gender and do IVF/PGD to get what you want.
Nothing in her OP came off as ungrateful or any of that, though. I've seen some doozies when it comes to gender dissapointment and this doesn't even come close to those.
I honestly believe that some people are cray cray when it comes to the gender. I also believe the some people have these feelings of disappointment for the reasons that BIC stated. They aren't sure of how to handle the opposite sex etc. What I don't like about this thread in particular is you have someone that had TTTC come in here and harp on the OP for the way she feels. I guess with your logic, I have every right to enter each MIL-whining post and say "just be grateful for the mother you do have, you ungrateful brat!" Truth is, that's not fair and frankly, I don't see the point in begrudging others of their (very legitimate) feelings.
Now, if the OP came off like a douche, I'd have a different opinion. Instead, she came in here asking for advice on how to help her DH along. I don't see any problem with that, and I certainly don't take that as being ungrateful. :shrug:
All of this, exactly. On the May 2011 board at one time one woman told another who was having issues with her MIL demanding she be allowed to come to appointments and see the baby, hear the heartbeat, etc that she had lost her MIL and the OP should just be glad she had one and let her do what makes her happy. Uh, no. We lost my FIL about a year ago, and while it breaks my heart for my MIL and my DH, it does not give my MIL a free pass to overstep her boundaries because I have empathy for her.
There have been some really ridiculous gender disappointment posts around here. This was not one.
Completely agree. There was a post a few months ago on this board of a girl who was disappointed she was having a boy because everyone else in her family had girls first. She wasn't sure she even wanted the baby anymore. Its those gender disappointment posts that really tick me off. Being bummed for a few weeks is one thing but once you cross that line of not wanting the child anymore, that is too far.