My life is over
I don't know why I haven't felt this way sooner. DS is almost 8 weeks old and I am now starting to feel like my life is over. Sometimes I look at him and think "my gosh I'm so blessed, he's beautiful and healthy. What more could I ask for?" Other times it's "OMG please just hush!!!" or "My life is over....I cook, clean, do schoolwork and take care of you. I have no life" It's true, I have no life. All "friends" have disappeared totally, not a single person I can call my friend but my husband and honestly, I've been thinking he deserves a whole lot better. I find myself thinking of just walking away, or just wanting to cry for hours. I'm not even 21! I haven't experienced being able to party or have a good time, and now since I have nothing in common with anyone I used to hang out with even if I got a babysitter, I have nowhere to go.
I also currently do school from home so I don't really have a chance to meet new people. I am going to graduate with a bunch of stranger. Then I see my family that I used to be around all the time, do a lot of things with and go places with, making plans without me and me not being invited, or drifting apart. I don't have the energy for anything. I don't get out of bed till 12 but stay up very late, sometimes I will leave laundry in the dryer for a whole day because I don't want to get off my lazy butt to do anything. I've tried to make it better by looking for mommy-and-me classes and there aren't any in my area. I just want to hand my son to his Nana, tell my husband to leave the house, and sit here alone and cry.... I'm ashamed of myself and my feelings.
I've been diagnosed with depression before and was on prozac before becoming pregnant, but when the doctor told me there was the tiniest chance of DS being born and having withdrawal symptoms I quit and had a fairly happy pregnancy and was fine until now. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. My husband has to drive me places and I'd hate to tell him I need to start seeing a therapist.
Re: My life is over
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think it's important for you to go talk to a therapist. Your husband should support you and be proud of you for wanting to better yourself and for seeking help. You need to do this for YOU. And for that beautiful baby I see in your siggy. He needs his mama to get better. You deserve to be happy. Things can and will get better, but it's going to take some effort on your part too. For me, I found that meds alone weren't the answer. I've been seeing a therapist for just over a month now and already things are starting to slowly get better.
I wish you peace and send you virtual hugs. I know this board is pretty dead, but know there are TONS of us out there experiencing the same or similar symptoms as you. PM me if you ever need to talk. Hang in there!!
I had depression too before I had my DD. I had been off meds for 2 years before I got pregnant. I never thought I was going to have to deal depression again but here I am. I just started taking antidepressants again yesterday. It is hard to have to admit something like this to your husband, but you have to get some help. I'm sure he'll be supportive. Don't be ashamed, you didn't choose it. If you had diabetes you wouldn't be ashamed, it just so happens that this is something going on in your brain. It's hard to be objective about it because you're in your own head. Know what I mean? Anyhow, from my last experience with depression and taking antidepressants and the wonderful change it made for me, well I know it can happen again and that I don't have to just sit here and suffer and be miserable. I know I can get back to a good place with some help and so can you. Don't let your depression lie to you, it doesn't have to be like you are now.
ETA I'm in a small town in GA too. On momslikeme.com you can find local moms and posts for playdates etc.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now.
One thing you might think about if it is difficult to get around is getting in touch with someone via phone. A quick google led me to this website, which has a PPD help line number (I haven't called and I'm not familiar with this organization, but thought I'd pass it on anyway):
https://www.ppdhope.org
1-800-944-4PPD (1-800-944-4773)
Please check back in with us and let us know how you're doing! ((hugs))
Reading your message brought tears to my eyes. It could have been written by me two years ago. I've been there. I felt the same way--the isolation, the hopelessness, feeling that you're not good enough, the feeling that your baby and husband deserve better, the feeling that your life is over. When post partum depression hit me, I was shocked. How could I be feeling this way? What's wrong with me? Why can't I control it?
The bottom line is, I couldn't control it and it wasn't my fault. The way you are feeling isn't your fault either. You have a history of depression, like I did, which puts you at higher risk for PPD. Couple that with the wild hormonal fluctuations that you are experiencing post pregnancy, and it's the perfect recipe for all of your feeling. The good news: you can get help. There is help for you. You just need to ask for it. You made the first step by talking about it online with others. You're not the only person who has felt this way after the birth of their baby. It happens more often than people want to admit. Talk to your OB/GYN. He or she will know how to treat you. The best thing I ever did was break down and tell my OB/GYN. She got me started on Zoloft. It made such a difference. It was a roller coaster ride for awhile, but it got better. The cloud began to lift. My life wasn't over. A new part of your life is beginning: your life as a mother. Eventually, the baby will grow, and you'll get more of "yourself" back. But you need to seek help for yourself so you can be the best mommy you can be. Explain to him what you're feeling. Direct him to the following web site so he can understand that this isn't "all in your head": https://www.womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/postpartum-psychiatric-disorders/ There are organic reasons why this is happening to you. Please believe me that it does get better with time and treatment, and you don't need to suffer through this alone. You're not the only one. It only feels that way sometimes.
I know you're in a small town, but it's important to seek out some social support--call your family. Tell them how you're feeling. If you're part of a church, get together with some of the women. Keep talking, even online. I hope this helps. Hang in there.
Please go to this website to find resouces in your local area: https://www.postpartum.net/Get-Help.aspx
Please know that we're all praying for you!!