I love my MIL, but ever since we told her I was expecting she has tried to control everything. At first she wanted full right to the babies name and wouldn't agree with any of [even insulted] my choices. My DH and I were kind enough to compromise and let her pick a list middle names for us to choose from. While at the same time my family does not know that we're letting anyone give any say towards the names and they are not aloud to suggest or pick names for us. We don't know the gender so we had to choose a boy name and a girl name. Once we had the first names she was back at the efferts to change the name. We had to change the first girl name we picked (Avari pronounced uh-V-ar-ee) because she persuaded DH that it was too close to his cousin's son's name (Avery). I do understand the names are close, but is the family relation close enough to have to change the name? But we got along fine and decided on Aolani instead. As soon as the girl name drama was over MIL had to nitpick at the boy name. Jaxith is the proper spelling of the name, but she thinks it would be better with an "e" at the end. I am just going to ignor her request because it is my child and though I'm not really found of Elijah, I agreed to it as the middle name for the boy.
Now that I'm nearing the third trimester, I think she's trying to stress the baby out of me by constantly suggesting that, once I start the Fall semester next year, the baby should live with her until DH and I finish college. She lives in the Mid West, we live on the East coast... and she suggest I give my baby to her for the next 3 years. I think my MIL really wants to have a newborn of her own. I suppose this could be because she herself was a young mother and DH and I are going to be young parents so she is still young enough to feel like she's the mother of the baby. But my parents were young parents and aren't trying to be overbearing like my MIL. Even my step mother who could not have children of her own is no where near being overbearing, she's just overjoyed with becoming a grandmother and buys me maternity clothes and Eeyore themed gender nuetral stuff for the baby. Granted I live with my father and step mother, and my mother is still caring for a 13 year old boy, 11 year old girl and a 5 year old girl in PA(5 hours away from my house).
I'm still kinda shy around my MIL but I need to let her know she's gotta back off. She's very strong willed and can be agressive if she thinks she's right so I need to find a way to tell her off without damaging our relationship aswell.
Re: My MIL thinks she is the one having my baby.
Huh. Someone needs to let her know that this is not her baby, and that someone is your husband. She doesn't get to name the kid and she sure as hell doesn't get to have the baby live with her. That is totally ridiculous.
Mind if I ask how old you are?
Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you. You chose not to stand up to her from the beginning and even offered to let her pick out the middle name. You guys created a monster and now you have to deal with it. Since you didn't put your foot down from the beginning you have to do it now. Tell your MIL that this is not up for discussion. If she continues to argue with you, you leave or hang up.
She hs obviously learned that if she throws a hissy fit, you both turn to jelly and let her have her way. Much like a little kid who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle. So essentially there is not reason for her to stop. Why should she, it gets her what she wants.
There might not be a nice way to tell her to back off and you know she just might get really upset. You have to be ok with that. You have to be ok with her being mad and upset with you. Realize it isn't the end of the world if she gets upset with you.
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This is not a MIL problem, this is a you and DH problem. YOU let her push you around, and YOU let her pick your childs name even though you don't like it.
I'm so shocked by this whole post, I can't even figure out what else to say.
I agree.
At this rate just let her have the baby...you obviously have no backbone to raise it on your own.
I wondered the same after I got over the shock. If she can push you around like this over the phone, god-forbid she ever live near you.
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This, exactly. Your husband sounds like he has no backbone what so ever if he hasn't spoken up about the baby living with your MIL for the first 3 years of life & what have you. You need to talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to tell his mother that your MIL's "suggestions" on raising your child are not up for discussion. You and your DH will decide how to handle the raising of your child. If your DH is too chicken to man up, then this will have to fall upon you. I got a feeling that you will be the one that will need to stand up to the MIL and your DH will not be backing you up the way he should. This isn't just an MIL problem, this is also a DH problem as well....
My sons grandma is the same way. She is very aggressive and will speak her mind no matter what. She too, would let my son live with her if I said yes. I understand where your coming from & know it's intimidating with a MIL like that.
I do agree with all the ladies that you need to tell her how you feel and very firmly say that you are the mother and your husband is the father & you 2 together will be the only ones making choices about things involving your child.
Just be honest with her. Maybe she feels that you have given her so much control to start with that you might actually let her to have the baby live with her.
Good luck, you can tell her what she needs to hear!!! Name your baby what you want & don't let anyone try to take that away from you
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11
I am 26 and in college with 3 years left! But that is besides the point!
Anyways you need to stand up to her!! If she gets upset oh well she will get over it. If she wants a kid to raise of her own tell her to adopt!
omg.... she wants to take your baby to another state to live with her and NOT you?
I understand your going back to school...but your not a teenager...your a married woman...with your first baby on the way! I would have put my foot down on that comment...thats crossing the line!!!!!!!!!!
ugh that makes me mad for you! your husband should cut in here and have a talk with his mother.
she can give opinions on names...but when the time comes to fill out the birth certificate the nurses will ask you and your husband to sign your name to verify it...NOT your mil...so whether she likes your choice or not... when the time comes, you name your baby what YOU want good luck
Have your husband tell her to go take a seat and back off. If he won't then you have another problem on your hands.
Her expecting to raise your child in another state is one of the most absurd things I've read here on the Bump in a long time...and there are some good ones on this site, but your MIL is coming in at a close 3rd place for me. I wouldn't stand for her bullshit and would have no problem telling to knock it off. She's batshit crazy for proposing that idea.
You and DH need to sit down and discuss setting boundaries that apply for your MIL together. Even write a few of the ground rules down so if you'll have them to refer back to when she starts putting pressure on you both again. Limit control and decisions she has as well as the fact she has to respect your decisions. I think it was nice that your compromised on the middle name for her.
The key is to have your DH say no to her when she starts telling you what to do. She may be trying to help but she is definitely driving you away. Another wake up call may be the passive agressive approach, do not answer the phone or communicate with her for a few weeks. Then have DH explain that you do not need this additional stress or pressure from her. She will realize that it will either be losing you (and her grandchild) or playing by your rules. Best of luck!
Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself.
Siggy check.
This. Totally.
This is YOUR child. YOU have the be the one to stand up for him/her their entire life. If you can't stand up to her about a freaking NAME ..... what happens if she wants to spank your child? Drive with him/her not properly restrained? Put him/her to sleep in an unsafe manner? Feed him/her food you do not want? Ignore food allergy concerns?
You need to grow a pair and be an adult. Now.
Mommy to Rachel 1.15.06 and Ashley 5.17.11
There is a normal ammount of "input" that will come from both parents... my mom and MIL are full of advice, before the name was picked, they had fun offering suggestions.. When we disagreed, or were uninterested in their requests, they let it go. That is NORMAL.
Your MIL is NOT normal. It is absolutely NOT normal for her to request that your child not only live with her but live with her IN ANOTHER STATE!
Honestly, this is rediculous. If you don't like her names, say I'm sorry, we don't like the names. If she keeps bringing it up, let her know that "with respect" if she cannot avoid talking/hassling you about the names, especially if she continues to request that your child live with her, let her know that she will not have the option of being apart of baby's life!
I can't even believe you and hubby have let it get this far. NOT OK! I understand wanting to keep the peace with your Inlaws...but this is WAY out of hand and only you two can fix it.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
So I guess I should give up on trying to keep things soft and pleasant between MIL and just let her have it. What would our relationship be if it didn't have a few bumps.
I had a conversation with my DH directly after I posted and he has realized that he had given his mother to much liberty (being he was the one who melted on the phone and granted MIL the middle name). I never really mentioned it so clearly before to him before because I didn't realize exactly how I felt about it before. (I know that's strange but I had been busy with school and the holidays and not put so much thought into it when I got peeved at her when DH brought her suggestions up.) But I'm glad that he understands and agrees. Right now we've been trying to figure out some middle names of our own and tossing her's out the window. Not that we told her yet but I think having a new name picked out will be an easier way to brake it to her that she doesn't get to make that decision. Also, if I decide I am in love with the thought of something (ie: a baby name) it is extremely hard for anyone to change my mind on it. I know I didn't share how much of a stuggle it was for me to let go of the first girl name but I am horrible a making decisions so when I make one I stick to it like as if it is the truest thing in the world and only I can change my mind.
Thank goodness DH never folded to his mother's suggestion of letting our little bundle of joy live with her. Not that he could with me behind him, holding my ground. That was one thing that was obviously out of the question for both of us. DH loves working at a day care, for her to think he wouldn't mind being separated from his first born son/daughter, she would have to be out of her mind.