How were you punished when you were younger? I admit my mother was very loose with her hand, or whatever object she had at the moment, and it was not restricted to the bottom area. I highly resent her for it, got to the point I physically wanted to defend myself so I would fight back and we would get in physical fights. I don't know how much of it I can blame on her though, her mother punished her the same way. I realized this kind of punishment wasn't okay when my grandparents got guardianship of me, I was only spanked once on my bottom.(EDIT: only spanked once on my bottom by my grandparents)
Them raising their voice a little or giving me *the look* pretty much scared me out of doing wrong. If I still acted out it was to my room with no toys or anything until I apologized or something. I was more defiant with my mothers form of punishment rather than my grandparents and I think the way they punished me had everything to do with the way I would act towards them. So how were you punished and do you think it effected the way you acted or how "rebellious" you were?
Re: How were you punished?
My SF was abusive - physically and emotionally. He called my brother and I (1 year apart) names, smacked us around, spanked us with hand, paddle, switches, etc., and as a 365-pound man, used his size and weight to intimidate us. I remember one time, he had me bent over backwards against the washing machine cussing at me and calling me names with his fist in my face and leaning over me. He got in fist-fights with my brother a lot.
My mom, who worked most of the time while SF "took care" of us, was the most passive person and didn't believe in capital punishment. At some point, she told him not to spank us anymore, and he began boot camp-type tactics with us - hold your arms out for 10 minutes, do 50 push-ups, stay in the push-up position for 10 minutes, etc.
I hated the man until his death, and even now still have some resentment toward him. My mom and he divorced when I was 16, and it took several years for me to get past the abuse...
Now, with my kids, I'm very overprotective. I sometimes get into arguments with my husband when I think he's being overly harsh with them, because I felt like my mom didn't do enough (although I'm not convinced she knew everything that was going on) for us. Thankfully, DH understands where I'm coming from, and we can usually talk things out. And, he's awesome about apologizing when he's wrong about something - to both me and the kids. (Not anything abusive, mind you, just losing his temper or setting a bad example, etc.)
My parents had a wide range of punishments. lol
I was spanked, but I never considered it as being beaten.. wasn't the same at all. I was grounded to my room, put in the corner, had to write like 500 sentences about what I did wrong over and over, priviledges taken away... I really wasn't a bad kid though. I wasn't punished often, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I was raised.
DH was beaten. Comparing our two childhoods, we definitely know what we will and will not do in regards to discipline for our own kids.
This. Plus I was grounded or things would be taken away from me. My parents often used money as a source of reward, control, or punishment. I had way more issues with that than spankings.
I had to do then sentences too when I moved in with my grandparents, hated it then, now I realize it set me straight in a lot of ways=)
All of this. My parents still try to control me with money but I refuse to allow it. I was grounded for being 'overweight' (by my mother's standards overweight was way below my recommended BMI) and for getting less than an A in school. If I got anything lower than an A I was grounded until the next report card came out.
I resent all of this more than spankings.
This for us to. Just knowing a spanking was possible usually worked for me. When we were toddlers my mom gave us the 1,2,3 count and usually by 3 we were complying
This is what DH and I plan to do.
My dad was big into lecturing. My mom was more into guilt and privilege-removal. Both tactics worked well on all of us (I'm one of 9 children), I think probably because they were consistent and excellent at follow-through. If we were told that we lost the privilege of going somewhere or doing something, that was that. Nobody "felt bad" later and gave in, no matter how much we promised to behave.
We were never spanked or slapped, and we were good, respectful kids.
My husband was beaten mercilessly by his stepfather, and spanked and yelled at by his mother. He was an angry, rebellious child and he's for the most part an angry, miserable adult who only knows to yell when he's upset. Luckily, he would rather die than lay a hand on me or Aidan. We're working on the yelling thing.
We'll obviously be going with what worked on me rather than what failed miserably on him.
~EDD Nov 18, 2017 with my IUI success story~
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My brother (younger) and I were pretty well-behaved, so punishments were few and far between, but different between my mom and dad. My mom would give us "the look" (something I hope to inherit!) and if need be would slap us (I think this happened once when I was 10- I cursed at her!) One time she washed my mouth out with soap (she is a baby boomer, I guess that was popular then!)
My dad would just yell and intimidate us into cowaring away. He would also stand at the end of the hall, say "go to your room" and as we walked passed him to get to our rooms, he would give us one wack on the butt (which felt like it carried us the rest of the way!). I wouldn't consider either one a harsh punishment, but they never took the time to talk to us about why were in trouble, or let us express ourselves. That's the one thing I will do with my kids.
Ugh, growing up in my family spankings were the only form of punishment. I got spanked even as a teenager, and my parents believed that the older you were the more you deserved it because you should know better. Our age was how many swats we got, so I was 16 getting hit (hard) 16 times with a wooden dowel for talking back to my mom. I have some resentment to say the least and will NOT be disciplining in the same way as my parents did. I will give spanks only as a last resort or if my child is displaying in-your-face defiance and disobedience, but ONLY one or two swats, and definitely not out of anger. I have seen how effective consistent time outs can be with even the most challenging kids (my SIL had some out of control foster kids, and she and her DH were able to get them under control just by using time outs), so that's what DH's and my plan is.
Siggy check.
My Mom tried everything in the book to punish me, nothing worked. I always rebelled against her, not really sure why when I think back to it. I guess I've always resented her for various reasons. And we've always had a pretty crappy and strained relationship.
My Dad on the other day had a good mixture of being the big tough Dad type, he had a certain look that I knew meant cut it out. If I didn't stop he'd raise his voice, if I still didn't stop he'd threaten a "lickin" (spanking). If I still didn't stop I'd get a spanking, but honestly that was pretty rare. BUT his good mixture was that he loved the living daylights out of me. I knew how much he loved me and I knew most of the stuff he'd get mad at me for was because he loved me. I think that is key, it's not about scaring the kids it's about a mixture of being a parent (NOT a friend) and showing how much you love your kid.
When I was young, my dad beat me. I mean sticks and belts. I grew up TERRIFIED of my parents. Around the time I hit 14, 15 I developed an eating disorder and starting sneaking out. 2 days after my 17th birthday I moved out (as soon as it was legal in my parish).
I NEVER want my children to look at me like I looked at my own parents.
I was spanked occasionally by my mom; my dad scared me more but never once laid a hand on any of us. I was punished more by grounding and "isolation". I was a naughty child and my therapist suggested isolation. There were times I was sent to my room, told not to speak to anyone (and my sisters couldn't speak to me) and could only come out to use the bathroom and go to school. Meals and snacks were provided for me in my room. My parents now realize in retrospect that this has affected me greatly in my adult life (I have strong trust issues - I have a hard time getting close to people, etc.)
Ditto to both of your responses! My mom always warned and every time we got smacked (usually on the palm with a wooden spoon!). I knew I'd done something wrong, been warned and have no resentment. She always talked to us about it before and after and I think I rarely repeated the same mistake twice. I think it's all in how it's handled, but unfortunately, many parents "punish" in anger. If my mom was ever REALLY mad, she would wait, calm down and then handle it. Again, I doubt I would use that (social acceptance, blah blah blah), but am certainly not resentful, nor emotionally scarred from it.
My mom was abusive physically and mentally. She hit me a lot, and it wasn't spankings. It was more like back handed smacks in the face, name calling, like OP said hit with whatever she had in her hand at the time.She was completely phsycho as I hit my teenage years. She would do crazy things like record our phone calls to find out what we were up to, even though any time she asked me what i was doing i would tell her the truth, yet she would go behind my back and do shady things to find out. She resented me because I was a Daddy's girl. They divorced when I was pretty young, and I always wanted to live with my Dad, but she wouldn't let me. Dad was completely opposite. Never laid a hand on me. Also like OP mentioned, my mother was abused growing up as well.
My worst fear is I will end up just like her, just like she ended up just like her mother. She even "jokes" about it. "Well, it seems to get a bit better with each generation". I am NOTHING like my mother though. I'm totally like my father. I do not have my mother's temper or lack of patience, but I still worry about turning out anything like her. And yes, I resent her for it.
I plan on not hitting my kids unless it's absolutely neccessary. And even then it will be a swat on the butt. I plan on time outs, groundings, and hopefully I can just give them "that look".