I have a bump molester in my office.
lilbit923
member
I have a co-worker who has always been nice to me. He and his wife have been having severe difficulty in conceiving. Knowing how difficult and time consuming trying to get pregnant can be, I've been lending stories from my family, words of encouragement, my OB's office number in case she wanted to go to a new doctor, websites to help her chart and where she can get a CBEFM.
Everytime he sees me he makes a mad dash to me and rubs the belly. I laugh because he is the only one who does this other than DH. I've mentioned it to DH and he just smiles, no biggie. So I forwarded a picture of Emma in her first pumpkin to my friends here at the office and he was one of the recipients of that email. Well, he printed the picture out and laminated it. It's hanging in his cube here in the office. If someone asks him who's in the picture he answers "That's Emma!" like they are supposed to know who it is.
Most of the people from our teams went to a farewell luncheon for a co-worker yesterday. No assigned seats of course, but he sits next to me. No less than 4 times during lunch he's rubbing on the belly. He laughs that if I go into labor he'll drive me to the hospital, take my baby and bring him/her back when they are 18 so I can pay for college. Yyyyeah no. Now it's to the point that my girlfriends at work mention "Did you see how Daniel kept putting his hands on 'the sequel'?" (Sequel is what we've nicknamed this baby since this one and Emma are back to back births.)
I am happy he is happy for DH and I about the baby and I know it must be hard for him to see pregnant women knowing his wife is having trouble conceiving but does this seem a bit much? I don't want to be rude or piss him off by saying 'stop it already' but when my friends at work can see I'm trying to be polite, let him touch the belly but then it's like you kinda need to move on. Plus seeing the laminated pic of Emma above his desk kinda creeped me out like maybe he's paying attention to my baby and the belly a little too much.
Do you have anyone at work that is like this? Any ideas?
ETA: We work on opposite sides of the office. He's been known to come over here to chat with me and tries to give my a shoulder massage from time to time....I back the chair up to get him to move and start a conversation.
Re: I have a bump molester in my office.
UGH that sounds horrible and annoying! Don't you wish you could make a suit like Beetlejuice when he gets picked up out of the model and spikes come out?
People are buying "dresses" to give birth in, I bet people would pay money for a shirt that you could press a button and spikes come out of the belly.
Ummmm this is weird. First of all I wouldnt want to be "massaged" by a co worker pregnant or not. Second its weird that a male makes such an effort to laminate and hang your child's picture up. Third he needs to keep his hands off of the baby!!! All of this would just make me super uncomfortable.
Right? When I was pregnant with Emma, I got tired of the belly rubbers coming up to me "Awwww!" yeah I get it, get off me. I growled at one lady, Lol.
I can tell you when this baby starts to domino I will drive myself to the hospital like I did when I ruptured at 36 weeks with Emma. I don't think I will want the co-irker driving me anywhere.
CREEPER!!!! This guy sounds like a complete weirdo, I think you're going to have to say something soon. It's obviously creeping you out or you wouldn't have said anything. He just needs to simmer down a bit.
Him having the picture of your daughter is just too strange!
Exactly. I feel bad for his wife when she sees pregnant women and it's heart breaking for her I'm sure. I wasn't trying to rub it in at all, I was trying to be helpful and hoping he would see there could be other avenues they have not explored yet.
He asked if I was going to have a shower at the office and I said no. He was like 'Why not? We all need another reason to not do anything for half a day at work." Our office parties take up nearly a day, everyone brings a covered dish, we hang out most of the day, it's lots of fun. I just don't think it's necessary since we just had Emma in December and it's bad taste to have another shower again if this baby turns out to be a girl.
This is extremely creepy to me. I mean really who does that...the only one who should be acting like this is your husband! I would distant my self from him because this seems like an obsession and that is dangerous. I would be very careful not to give him anymore information when it comes to you and your family. I would also recommend you stop him from touching your belly, this just reinforces his weird behavior. Oh and the massages are just totally out of line, seriously?
This is not okay and you allowing it is even worse. I would be totally freaked out by this and so would my husband.
I'm not trying to be mean or anything just be safe around him. This would scare me and my family.
GL!!!
Am I the only one who doesn't find this totally creepy? I mean if it were just a co-worker or a random person, he would absolutely get punched. But it sounds like this guy is a friend- you share family photos, he talks to you about his/his wife's struggles, you give advice & info. To me, that sounds like a friend, not just a co-worker. Therefore, I wouldn't have a problem.
I should mention, however, that I LOVED having my belly rubbed (kind of like having my hair played with) so maybe that is why this wouldn't bother me. Well that, and if it's a friend.
That said, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'd definitely tell him.
ETA: The one thing that would bother me is the picture of DD at his desk. I wouldn't even put pics of my dearest friends' kids up. That is strange to me.
Our baby site: Baby Cragg
No, you're not the only one that doesn't (yet) find this creepy. I am the same way in loving having the belly rubs. It sounds like a) this guy is a little more than just a coworker, he's a friend and considers himself such and b) he is like PP said living a little vicariously through you. Yes, his behavior is toeing the line and in some circumstances crossing it, which you should address directly first. He may not even realize what he is doing. If he DOESN'T stop or rein it in, THAT's when I would get creeped out. I do find the pic of your kid at his desk weird though. Granted I have a pic of my BFF's kid at my desk, however it is small (wallet size) and I'm pretty much like an aunt to her. It just seems a little odd coming from a guy though.
EDD 1/31/13, MC May 17. EDD 3/31/13, MC July 26. I miss you so much already my angel loves
This does sound odd and can totally see this would make you uncomfortable. Have you tried actually telling him how this makes you feel? Just be honest, tell him that you really value their relationship at work but that the obsessive belly touching, back rubbing and picture hanging has made it uncomfortable for you. Ask him if everything is okay at home. Maybe there is something going on, maybe he has found out they can't have children and he needs a friend right now to vent to.
I wouldn't make an uncomfortable situation worse by reporting him to your boss, that?s going to definitely make things even more awkward for him and you.
Just tell him the truth in a polite private way. Honesty is the best policy.
I DO think it sounds a little creepy... but everyone is different, and if you haven't been giving him many signals before now that his actions are NOT okay, then it might come over as a total shock to him if you out of the blue stop sending him e-mails or tell him to leave you alone. Especially if he and his wife are having problems, he might be feeling emotionally vulnerable or weird himself (did you know him well pre-pregnancy? How did he act then?)
If you feel up to it, I would suggest bringing it up to him in a conversation. Like the next time he tries to give you a massage say, "you know, it's not that I don't appreciate the thought BUT... I'd prefer that only DH do that" or something. Then go on about the belly rubs (if that's bothering you) etc. You can go to management if it's really a problem, but I don't think it'd be fair to get him in trouble for harassment if you've not been giving him any indication that you're not OK with this (he might not be good at picking up the body language, and depending on how good of a friend/colleague he is you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt). A little communication goes a long way... and if he doesn't stop after you've had a talk, then by all means take it to a higher authority.
I have been totally mean to people who have been wanting to rub my belly and I have been telling them it is just gas. I did not realize how hurtful I have become and how lucky I am to be so blessed. They just want to share in the joy that they have not received yet, or maybe they think it will rub off on them, or they remember the time when they were pregnant.
In your case however, have you not seen the "hand that rocks the cradle"? Talk to him first since he probably does not realize how psycho he is being - maybe he has a bunch of sisters who were pregnant and that was the norm in his family. If he persists, go to your manager and treat it like a sexual harrassment issue.
This thread was made in 2008.
......... I'd really like to see how things turned out.
Mommy Someday: The post started in October 2010, it looks like she joined the Bump in 2008.
Lilbit923- I am dreading when people start taking the initiative to rub all over my stomach. And yes, I am a touchy person. I like to give hugs to friends. BUT, I do think there is a line for someone, especially of the opposite sex, to rub you in any way, stomach, shoulders, etc. and especially if they don't ask first! He is invading your personal space. And I hate to say this because he might be totally sweet and harmless, but if he is getting borderline obssessive, this could pose to be a dangerous situation. Have you ever actually met his wife? Are you sure this is not a story to get close to you? I think the next time he reached for my belly, I would turn the other direction. I don't know, I just don't trust this situation, and as someone said earlier, ALWAYS trust your instincts. ESPECIALLY your mommy instincts.
GL!
This exactly + CREEPY x a million!
CREEPY! Wow. I commend you for trying to be polite but you need to set some serious boundaries with this guy. He sounds as if he is getting possessive or even confused about you, your pregnancy and your DD... he is being more than attentive and is crossing the line into delusional. He is stalker potential. In my experience, anytime you have that nagging uncomfortable feeling means something is way off and you shouldn't ignore your discomfort. Women tend to override their instincts because we've been taught to be polite at all costs. We want to be nice and liked but we also need to speak up. You can set boundaries politely, it's all in the delivery. If he doesn't back off, then you need to be not so polite (not angry, just very no nonsense firm) and if it still doesn't work, then bring in the HR/boss. Although, I might mention it to a higher up now just to keep them in the loop.
Good luck!
I would say that you being nice to him and his wife forged some sort of bond between you, only he has taken the bond WAY too far. I got creeped out reading this.
The problem though is I am assuming you will be returning to work after 'sequal' is born so therefore you sort of have to handle this with 'kid' gloves, because you don't want to offend someone you are going to have to see all the time.
Maybe just let him know that you think it is awesome he is so supportive of pregnant woman and of yourself, but that you are not comfortable with so much attention, and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't touch your tummy as it makes you uncomfortable because it is after all your body that he is touching.
Good luck I don't think I would have been so nice for so long. A woman came up and touched my belly (stranger) in the grocery store and I was like excuse me what heck are you doing that is my stomach!
Would he run up to you to rub your belly if you were not pregnant? I hope not, so why does he think that it's okay to do it now.
it has always been my opinion that there's nothing more tragic than people who want children but can't have them.
that said, i HATED people who rubbed my belly - friends, family members, ANYONE. strangers walked up to me, i stepped behind my husband. family members asked permission, i didn't grant it. my husband, my sister, and my best local friend were the only ones allowed to touch my belly. and i honestly would've told my sister no if i'd thought i could get away with it.
but your situation is tough. i agree w/pp who wondered how the wife would feel. the advice i offer is harsh - but no one's ever accused me of being nice. give him the cold shoulder. NO conversations with him about anything not work related. and when he asks why you're doing it just tell him. "listen, the way you've been acting toward me and my children has crossed the line from sweet funny longing to general overbearing creepiness, and the discomfort is driving me nuts. i don't mean to hurt your feelings, but i honestly don't know how to handle this situation."
and hopefully he'll be man enough to quit, and maybe even apologise.
This! try communicating, and if that doesn't work get help! If it was female coworkers i wouldn't mind so much, but this is, to me, totally unacceptable coming from a guy.
He definitely sounds annoying, but his behavior doesn't seem that creepy to me. I think you're encouraging his attention by sharing news and photos with him, I think if you stopped sharing with him a lot of the unwanted attention and touching would stop.
One of my coworkers, who I consider a friend, gave me a copy of her son's first school photo. I didn't really know what to do with it, so I hung it up at my desk. It was an actual print though, not an email copy.
Disagree. How is it "hurtful" to know your personal boundaries and not want someone to touch you if you aren't comfortable with it?
I don't like having my belly touched, and I really don't give a crap who that bothers. Simply put, if you are struggling with IF, I've been there and I empathize, but that still doesn't make your baby rabies my problem. If you're a doctor, my husband, or my mom/MIL, go for it. Otherwise, I have no problem stepping back and telling you to stop. If I'm having a bad day, I may also take a clue from the baby and just kick you.
FWIW, I have a male froworker in the same situation as OP... he's been nothing but supportive, and not remotely creepy.