I am 26 weeks pregnant and I have been going back and forth about whether my baby should have my last name or her fathers.
Here is the story: We lived together for a year, but when I found out I was pregnant, I moved out and back to Texas with my parents. He is happy to be a father and we are in a relationship. Currently he provides full financial support for the both of us. He still lives in another state, but he plans on being back in TX for the birth. He also says he will stay here after that, but he keeps bringing up leaving again to go contract and make money for "us." Money is not the issue.
I do not want to seem disrespectful by not giving the baby his last name, but we are not married, marriage is not in the near future, who knows when and if we will be living together again, and when he will go out of state again-or even what he will be like as a parent. If I am the parent that is going to be with the child 24/7 no matter what, I think the baby should have my last name to make things easier. I will be the one taking her to the doctor, filling out all her paper work, possibly having to fly her to see her father, etc. I do not want to go through the hassle of proving I am the mother when I am the one who is raising her and dealing with everything.
What do you think? What has your personal experience been?
Re: Should a child have their father's last name if you aren't married?
Sounds to me like you know what you want to do but are affraid that he will not stick around or be ok with that choice.
My son's father told me he would not be able to bond with him if they did not have the same last name. I made my choice, my daughter, myself and my son all would have the same last name.
Turns out he is a true DB and never has formed a bond with him anyways, he is a man of a million excuses.
I'd give him your last name. When and if you and him get married, you can change your child's name then, just like you would change your name. If (God forbid) things aren't to work out, you wouldn't have to go through that hassle.
My dad adopted me when he and my mom got married when I was 4 years old. My last name was changed to the same as his, and we grew up as a same-last-name family.
Thanks for all of the input. I thought about hyphenating, but the last name would be way too long.
I also thought about my name being one of the middle names and then having the father's name as the last name... My mother had my older brother out of wedlock and chose to give him her name. My parents married a year later and they just added on my father's last name as his new last name and to keep it all the same, she also put her maiden name as one of mine and my younger brothers middle names. Then she hyphenated her name, but that too is too long of a name.
I am pretty set on giving the baby my last name, but I do feel bad. I was wondering if I was wrong for it and wanted to hear other's opinions. My boyfriend said that it hurts his feelings and makes him think I don't want a future with him blah, blah, blah. I too do not understand why children take on the father's last name unless the father is the one with full custody. The only reason why children get the father's last name in the first place is because it usually is the mother's last name too!
I was married to my DDs' BF and while my DDs have his last name, I never took it. I have never had any issues with people questioning whether I was my DDs' mother what-so-ever. Recently, I have thought of hyphenating the girl's last names with mine but haven't done anything but that, think.
Perhaps I will look into this further as our divorce should be coming to an end in the next couple months (should being the key word).
That's what I think. If we get married, I will change her last name then, or when she gets older, if she tells me she wants his name, I won't have a problem with her having it. But, I think until then she is going to have my name. I mean his name will be on the BC so it's not like if anything happens she won't know who her father is.
The ONLY thing that makes me question the decision is his feelings and his family's opinion. He didn't understand why I was even considering it-he just thinks children have their father's names and that's it.
This is exactly my point! What are the reasons that the baby should have the father's name over the mother's name or vise versa?
It seems to come down to-who is the parent that will always be in the child's life? Unless I die, it will be me. I will be the one that is always there, that the child lives with, and that, well, just DOES everything.
I don't want to be called Ms. 'bf last name' because it is my child's last name. I would never even think of giving my child another man's last name if I ended up getting married to another man, but I just have a hard time justifying why my child should have his name. If it was a boy, I would completely understand him wanting to carry on the family name, but it's a girl, so it's probably going to be changed one day any way.
Wow, didn't mean to ramble ha ha. I'm sleepy.
I hyphenated my DD's last name, and I really wish I hadn't. Her father and I didn't last 8 months after her being born, and I just think she should have had my last name. At the time I was all "Oh, she should have her dad's, that's the way it works, I don't want her to be weird." But seriously, long term, I'm her primary, always. And I should have given her my last name. hands down.
But, that's just one story.
Baby #4; 7/7/2018