Angry at H all the time... is it him or me? (Really long, but advice wanted)
ablou
member
I don't know how to explain this... I feel like I'm in a constant state of rage at my husband. Everything he does irritates me or makes me angry.
We've been together for six years, living together nearly all that time. He was a total man-boy when we got together, and had a lot of growing up to do. He has grown up a lot, but still has a long way to go. He procrastinates, has a drifting mind, is forgetful, terrible with money (to the point that he's not allowed to touch any money anymore that I don't place in his hand in the form of cash), and quite a bit on the lazy side (in my opinion). I ask him to do something, and he waits until the last possible nanosecend to do it, if he does it at all. I went away for a few days last week and asked him to do a few things while I was gone. They were not done for the most part when I got home, and I was enraged.
He's a kind man who loves me to pieces, loves our son more than the earth and the sun and the moon and the stars, but isn't a very observant man. He can sleep through the baby's screams with the monitor right by his head (this happened this morning for not the first time. Rage ensued).
We both got into our relationship sharing our dreams and our goals - and they were compatible! Now, he doesn't seem to have dreams anymore. I still do, and I don't plan on giving them up.
The horrible part is, I find myself thinking about just packing me and the baby up and going away and making a fresh start. Those are the dreams I'm having when I sleep at night. And they're breaking my heart... but not as much as they should be.
Shorty's post earlier about relationships just about broke my heart... because everyone seems so happy, and I'm just... not. I read in there that anger can be symptomatic of PPD/ PPA. I don't get angry at the baby (quite the contrary. He's the shining light of my life and brings joy to my heart), but my thoughts and feelings of rage and frustration are all directed to my H.
It's literally making me sick. I'm typing this from bed... I have a very upset tummy today. Thank goodness H has the Bean out & about today.
Re: Angry at H all the time... is it him or me? (Really long, but advice wanted)
I was like this with my DH until I switched birth controls. I was even on the same ones as before I got pregnant, but they totally jacked my hormones up after having Emerson. Now I'm fine.
That being said, haveing a baby is hard on a marriage. my advice is to just lay it out there for your husband. Sit down with him & tell him everything you just said (Maybe omit the packing up & leaving part though! LOL) . I had to do this my husband as well & it's 100% better. Granted he is still a man & that will never change...I can only expect so much right! LOL...JK!
For real though, just speak with him. If you think you may have PPD/PPA then talk with your Dr. It just sounds to me, that your frustrated with your husband....
I'm sorry you're going through this! Having a baby can put even the strongest relationship through the ringer.
Have you thought about counseling or even just talking with him about how frustrated you are (during a time that you are calm)?
That was my #1 symptom of PPD. I had no untoward feelings towards the baby but was constantly beyond pissed at my DH and was kind of generally miserable except for my son. I blamed my being generally miserable on my being angry at DH all the time instead of where the blame should have gone.
You should definitely ask your OB for the name of a counselor or at least find some support online.
I could have written the title and bolded parts myself. You're not alone.
We spent a lot of our time arguing and even when we're not arguing, I'm in one room of the house and he's in another. He works weekends, I work M-F.. we're always separated. Could that contribute to the state our relationship is in? I'm sure it could.. but when we are together, he just irritates the sh!t out of me and I'd much rather him not be around.
We fight about the things that irritate me that he refuses to fix. I'm a neat freak, he's a slob.. so I end up cleaning up after him all the time. (Example: The other night he had some candy and left part of the wrapper on the counter, close to the cabinet where we keep the trash can. B/C he couldn't have reached a few feet further and thrown it away? Then the next morning I wake up and the remainder of the wrapper was left on the couch where he was sitting... regardless of the fact that I had already said something to him about the first part of the wrapper. Are you f'in sh!tting me?!) He yells and curses at the Xbox in front of Tooter, which irritates me b/c he's picking up on EVERYTHING. He dismisses it as "You curse too". I do, but only when I'm extremely pissed off... I don't use the foul language he does... and I'm certainly not taking it out on an inadament object. He never wants to do anything as a family. He likes to think he works "harder" than I simply b/c he does labor work and I sit in an office. I could go on and on..
I think about leaving at least once a week............
(c) Holly Aprecio Photography - Oct 2011
(c) Holly Aprecio Photography - Oct 2011
Wow... your husband sounds exactly like mine. As in, I have used all of those adjectives to describe him, good and bad. Our relationship is very strained right now. I feel like I'm constantly angry at him and yelling that WE HAVE A CHILD and IT IS TIME TO GROW UP NOW. I know that part of the problem in our relationship is that we just had the hardest possible year that a married couple could endure, and now we have a new baby, which would be a challenge for anyone.
Do I fantasize about leaving him for someone more stable, mature, responsible, helpful, useful? Sure. But I know that a good bit of my anger is based in PPD (like you, I feel rage at my DH but not at my child) because I loved him before our baby, in spite of his flaws. They didn't just appear out of nowhere, I've known about them since before we got married. I got angry at him after we had a baby, even though he's acting exactly the way I knew he would.
We're starting marriage counseling soon, and I'm hoping it will help him realize what I need from him, as well as help me realize what I can't expect him to change. But you're not alone in this, I know how you feel. I just want to love my husband again, you know?
This is a hard question for me to answer. I've met your DH. Personally, I love him to pieces. I love you to pieces! I want you guys to work out. From my perspective, it seems that you can be hard on him (I STILL LOVE YOU!)
I had never thought about PPD being a possible explanation for you. Seeing it now, it really could be. The lack of patience, the anger, the frustration are all signs of PPD. I was terribly upset with DD before I got on meds, but I needed help in other areas as well. Since being on medication, I have such a better outlook on how Darby is, my relationship with DH, and the relationships have have with K and R. It overall just made a huge difference to me.
I would talk to your doctor and possibly see if medication may help. For now, just try to have patience and lovingly nudge him to do the things you ask.
I love you.
We may have had a sweet begining to our relationship, but that doesn't mean that it is perfect now. A lot of what you were saying is the same with me towards DH. We are talking more and trying to work things out. Part of my resentment towards DH is that we both went back to school in 2003. I graduated in 2006 with a degree in Sociology. To this day he has not graduated, he actually has been failing in school for the last 3 years for the most part. I know his degree is harder than mine (he is a computer science major), but still this is excessive. I have been the primary income source for us for all this time. He has gotten some financial aid to help out, but his GPA fell bellow the cut off for the financial aid and has now stopped. In talking with my husband, it turned out that the procrastination and laziness has been because of depression and anxiety that resulted because we lived with his abusive father for a few years. He is working through it, and has made some major improvements, but I still find myself being bitter and angry at him. Especially recently where I am in danger of loosing my job and it looks like we might have to file for bancruptcy since I don't have the financial aid to assist us any more. I work at a non proffit so I don't make a lot of money, had he graduated by now, we would be more secure, because positions for him will pay a lot more than my job does and they would also be more secure than the social services field.
What I am getting at is you might have some valid reasons to be mad at your husband. Talk with him and make sure that there isn't some reason he isn't fulfilling all of his duties. If you believe it is just you and possible PPD, talk to your doctor.
IMHO, YOU are not the problem. If I remember the old post about the money he gambled away without telling you first... well, that seals the deal for me. Perhaps he has his reasons for doing the things that he does, but Ablou, I don't think that you are the one who has the problem.
I don't think that you have PPD/PPA - do you? Really? If you haven't laid it all out there for him in completely honest terms, then can we really expect him to do what you want?
Let someone watch the Bean, and you and DH have a talk... a real one. About all of the things that you think your marriage should be and how you think it will get there. Ask him how he feels about your marriage as well. Ask him if he's generally happy with his life, and tell him that you are his wife and there to support him in achieving whatever dreams he has left in him. And, tell him that as your DH you still expect him to stand by you as you realize the dreams you still have in you.
Ablou, I talk about you when you say something funny/witty, with DH. We both laugh at your sense of humor. I KNOW you don't want to feel like this all the time, and so Hank and I will be hoping for the best and thinking of you guys!! Please take care!!
I'm jumping over to say ... (sorry, this is going to get long.)
It might be PPD, and you should see someone to figure that out. Or, it might be that when it was just the two of you, you could compensate for his weaknesses -- but now that you have a baby, you need more from him than he's giving (or has ever given, possibly).
I read an article awhile back that sounds a lot like your situation and might be something to explore. Here's a link (sorry, not clicky):
https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/19/attention-disorders-can-take-a-toll-on-marriage/
It's about how attention disorders -- often undiagnosed in adults -- are sometimes behind marital issues. What you're saying reminded me of some of the people they interviewed who dealt with this in their marriage:
From the article, a couple of snippets:
?I felt like he was consistently inconsistent,? she said in an interview. ?I could never count on him. It goes from feeling responsible for everything to just chronic anger. I didn?t like the person I?d become either.? ....
?Initially I think I was a bit of a skeptic about A.D.D. in general,? said a 52-year-old man from Cleveland whose wife of 26 years recently received a diagnosis. He asked that his name not be used to protect the family?s privacy.He described a life of ?crushing responsibility,? of working full time, caring for his children and his wife, and maintaining the household and finances. ?After years of this, I felt I didn?t have two children, I had three children and no one to help,? he said. ?I was always the one who said, ?No, we can?t do that,? or ?Get this done.? I had to be sort of a nag.?His wife?s distractedness was particularly challenging when the children were young. ?She could be in the room but paying no attention to what was going on,? he said.
Anyhow. The web site mentioned in this article is adhdmarriage.com. Of course there's no way of knowing if this really is the issue, but it might be something to think about as a possibility -- and definitely something that needs to be addressed with a counselor.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
I think you need to talk to your husband for sure about what's going on - BUT, I think you should do one thing before you do that. Every day for a week or so, write down one nice thing, or positive thing, that your DH did - every day.
I noticed you listing a whole bunch of things he does wrong, and only like, one thing he does right. I know that I had this problem a while back, where I got upset with DH, and whenever he'd do something, all I could focus on what what he was doing wrong. That's when I started writing down everything he did right - and the list was huge. I didn't expect it to be, but it's because I wasn't ever focusing on it.
Don't get me wrong. It sounds like there ARE definitely things that he needs to work on. The point I guess, is that if you approach him with such a focus on everything he's doing wrong, it will come across exactly like that - like he can't do anything right. (And I guarantee that's not something he's going to want to hear or listen to.)
Try it. What have you got to lose? You might even find that you appreciate him more than you realize.
I love this and will do it. Thank you ALL for all of your wonderful support. I'm really thankful and overwhelmed. Smewchies!!!
Zombie hugs for all!!
And let's have a few of these, too!