When will you "abandon" your child?
There have been a couple threads in the last few days about leaving LO with Dad or a grandmother that have really surprised me about the attitude toward being away from your child. Is it typical for school aged children who have never been away from Mom for a night? I spent the night at Grandmas', cousins', friends' houses for as long as I can remember. I watched my niece overnight a few times when she was an infant.
IRL, I have a coworker who isn't "allowed" (his word choice) to take his 4 mo. old daughter places without her mother. Their reasoning is that it makes breast feeding too complicated. Is this how you end up with a 9yr old who has never spent the night away from Mom?
IMO, these children have had a huge disservice done to them... taking away bonding time with Dad and other relatives, preventing them from learning coping skills, and withholding new experiences. I plan on leaving LO with DH as soon and as much is practical, and with grandmas, etc.
What are your plans?
Re: When will you "abandon" your child?
DS has spent the night once at the ILs without us there. We've all spent the night a couple times together. We don't do it often bc they also have school-age children and I know they need their sleep.
I left DH with DS by himself for the first time when DS was 1 month old. We didn't leave him overnight until he was 14 months old, but that was only b/c we hadn't ever had the opportunity to do so. My ILs have been watching him so that we can go out for day trips since he was 5 or 6 months old though. The same will probably be true for DD as well.
FWIW, leaving DS for any time longer than 2 hours was actually pretty difficult when I was still BFing. I wasn't ever a huge producer, and it was a LOT of work to pump enough milk just to be able to stay out longer than that. DS ate every 2 hours until I switched to formula at 6 months.
Well, my Dh and I are planning a vacation either next spring or next summer. Without kids. Bun will be 6 months-9 months, depending on when we decide to go.
we left alex w/my mother for a few hours when she was a little over a week.
and we left her with my best friend's overnight for the first time when she was 5 months old.
i've also left her with my husband for a few hours at a time since she was born- and now that she's older i'd probably leave her with anyone who offered to watch her. heh.
but yeah. i prefer to be with her (more so when she was "little") but i have no problems passing her off now & again. plus, she's with my mom or MIL all day mon- fri, soooo.
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My DS spent the night with my mom at 10 weeks so we could have a night away before I went back to work. He has had 2 more sleepovers since then, he's 6 months old.
My DH has him alone all the time. It empowers DH and my son loves his Daddy time.
It depends a lot on your child though. We have a very easygoing baby so it's been easy for us.
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OMG I would go nuts if I didn't have breaks!! With my first DS I think I left the house to go shopping around 2 weeks old-DH cared for our son while I was gone for maybe and hour and half. I nursed him before hand and left exprssed BM if he got hungry. We went out on our first day after he was born when he was only 4 weeks! We were only gone under two hours. My best friend watched DS.
The way I feel about it is DH is an equal parent and is just as capable of caring for DS as I am. Breast pumps are a nursing moms best friend! I always had milk either frozen or would pump before I left so I didn't feel tied to home or DS 24/7.
I have no qualms about leaving my kid with her dad or grandparents BUT your coworker's wife does have a point about breastfeeding. If you BF and don't pump, you'll get engorged if you stay away from LO too long (not mention LO will get hungry) . . . and even if you do pump it's a huge hassle to do it away from home. Depending on where I was going, I might very well decide it's not worth the trouble to be away from Betsy for very long.
But I certainly don't plan to BF her until she's nine, so I'm fully confident that eventually she will be spending the night apart from me!
I know early it can be hard with breast feeding. My sister in law has a 3m old and can get really tender. I don't know that she owns a pump, not my place to ask. So I understand that!
Then you have my Mother in law with her 10y old who has never had a friend sleep over and he?s never slept at a friend?s house. His first non-family B-day party was one my husband I planned and threw for him last year. The child is antisocial, shy, and sat on a computer like his dad all summer. What we do even out of love for that child can be a terrible thing later on. I know they love him very much but the coddling has definitely stunted his social growth.
this. i really have no idea what seems reasonable until he's out. i've never had a kid before, so i'll say it depends on the child and the mom. i might be really clingy at first or he might.
but i hope not. we have tickets to see the wall in december.
I wonder if there is a correlation to being easygoing and being accustomed to having multiple caregivers. More adaptability = fewer freak-outs?
The first time we left O was with my mom when she was a couple wks old. We went out for a couple of hours. She never latched, so I pumped before we left and again when I got home. After that we left her every now and then so we could get out, but only with my mom or MIL. At about 9 months old, we found the most amazing babysitter. Our first overnight was at just about a year when we went away for the weekend for our anniversay. We then had a few overnights after that (weddings and such). We left her for a week this past November when we went to Mexico. She has never slept out of our house though. Grandmothers have come here and we like it that way. My husbands stepfather is very creepy and my mom and dad sold their house and moved to a 1 bedroom. I should also add I leave her with my husband all the time.
We plan on doing the same with this baby...
I said it in the other thread and I'll say it again...my relationship with my husband is really important to me....and as result we take vacations/weekends away alone, without DD. It's just "us" time and I think all parents should do it.
Afterall, who do you think created those beautiful children you raise?? That's right...YOU and YOUR HUSBAND.
Haha... this is our first LO, so I may totally be eating my words in 6-9 mos. I know a lot of first time parents think "I would never [blank]" and then end up doing exactly that! I suppose I should reserve judgment until I've been there...
Could be. We have always had lots of people around. We also have had him sleep EVERYWHERE... so he's not addicted to his crib. As he's gotten older he has much more of a pattern for sleeping, but it's easy to replicate just about anywhere.
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Obviously, you know I agree with this 100%! I truly believe relationships suffer when time is not taken to nuture them. I love my child, I love my husband, and I love myself...they all need equal time.
::high five!::
just tinkled a bit!!! Maybe I should call my mom right now to see if this is OK with her. Best idea of the day!
We left DS with my parents over night at 11 weeks. We went to a wedding in LI. We left on a Saturday morning, and came home Sunday late afternoon.
We left DS a few times over night before he was 1. At 14 months we left him for 5 nights to go to a destination wedding. It was hard, but DH and I had fun. And he was great for my parents.
My SIL REFUSED to come to DH and my wedding because she could not leave her 8 month old for a few hours with the baby's father to come. because she was nursing. Crock of sh!t.
I agree with the original poster. it is good for you and your child to be left alone over night and with babysitters. It teaches them to trust other people. The best thing I did this summer was to hire a nanny for DS. he has learned to trust her and that he can trust other people than ME. And he is less reliant on me now!!
I couldn't agree more! Unfortunately, not everyone has the luxury of having family close by.
My mom has already offered to take Micah one day a week so that I can run errands, etc. without having to lug him around. I definitely intend on taking advantage of that as soon as I can! Also, my H has a great work schedule so I'm pretty sure he'll be alone with the baby almost right from the start--just so I can run to the store or whatever.
I think I'm lucky because I've been a baby sitter/nanny for 15 years so I think it's really important to leave LO with others as soon as possible. Also, I've got three beautiful nieces whom I love very much and enjoy doing auntie/niece things with. As soon as I got married, they started sleeping over at our house every other month or so and we often take them for a day to do something fun. I love being on the other side of it so I fully intend to "give my son away" in the same manner.
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You're right and neither did we her first year of life. But even while we were living in Chicago, both sets of parents were in CT & RI, we still did it. We flew to CT for a day and left DD with my in-laws, while we went on a cruise for our anniversary.
It is feasible, if you want it bad enough.
This is my first LO, so I don't really know what I will do, but I don't see any reason why LO wouldn't have alone time with DH. He will be just as much of a parent as I am and it will be good for them (and me).
We just moved to a new town and don't have family here, so I don't really know anyone well enough to leave LO with, but I hope at some point to have people here that I know and trust enough to babysit LO.
It is totally feasible. My Parents have issues and my IL's are always hopped up on the "Q". We are really fortunate to have great friends that watch DD, so we can have our time. I do understand that some people would just rather not leave their children with others.
This! This is one of my big huge things about the baby coming. I have seen too many people close to me getting a divorce because they never took time for their relationship and realized it when it was too late.
Me EDD is November 3rd and I have a weekend trip planned for January for my SO's birthday. We will be gone 2 nights and three days.
By then, I think that we will need the time for us.
When I go back to work after 8 weeks my LO will be staying with his father every single day. And it won't be "babysitting", it will be staying with his dad (he get's laid off in the winter).
Ladies - I agree with both of you. And, to top it off, I have the perfect example: my parents have always, always, always made time for themselves away from my siblings and I - whether they went out to dinner, put us to bed early and had a "sanity dinner" if they were tight on money, or went on vacation. They were fortunate in that my grandparents and my aunt (mom's sister) were more than willing to watch us...and we were good kids then (so we're told lol). This also included my parents going out with their friends separately - my dad with his friends, my mom with hers - and making sure they kept those relationships for their own wellbeing.
My DH's parents, on the other hand...my MIL focused so much on DH and SIL that by the time they were grown, she and FIL were all they had. Her friends are his friends wives, and not even that close, or co-workers. It's sad for me to see this because of how I grew up. Don't get me wrong, DH and SIL are very well adjusted people socially, I just think that by DH's parents not doing anything for themselves and their relationships, they really missed out.
What is your reasoning for not having it be overnight now? Understandable if your father doesn't want a baby who may not yet be STTN, but if Grandpa is willing, why not have a night to yourself?
I plan on getting out. Granted while I BF (assuming it works for us), things will be more difficult, we plan to have either my mom, my sis, or MIL keep LO while we have our date nights. We've also already planned a weekend getaway sometime next spring, during which we'll leave little man with MIL for the weekend--- she's so excited! I think it's really important for him to make the connections with other family members.
I do secretly wonder how hard it will be for me to walk out the door without him for the first time. I'm not a very emotional woman, so I wonder if I'll get all teary or just walk out without thinking about it.
In certain cases, I understand the BFing thing. Especially if you have supply issues. I was never able to produce enough to leave her for any length of time, so until I weaned her on to formula I had to take her with me at all times.
That being said, once we switched to formula, I've left her plenty of times from 3 months on for anywhere from 1 hour to overnight (either with DH or with grandparents, relatives, etc.) with no problems. I think it's important to have little breaks both alone and with DH. We're going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks and I know DD will be totally fine spending the night with my Aunt & Uncle.
Depending on how BFing goes this time around, I have no hesitations to leave both girls with either DH or others to have date nights, run errands alone, etc. - if anything, I'm more laid back about it now since it's my 2nd