Get married before or after the baby is born? (long)
jerseykate84
member
Hey everyone!
My boyfriend and I were talking marriage for awhile before we found out I was pregnant. This was a "surprise" pregnancy. I never thought it'd be a big deal to me if we had a baby while not yet married, but now that I am in this situation, it is! He wants to wait until next year to get married, that way we don't rush the wedding planning and can have "the wedding we want."
But, I fully believe the wedding we "want" can be planned quickly. We want to get married at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. We don't want a huge wedding, just family and close friends.
Here are my reasons for wanting to get married now, and not later:
((DISCLAIMER: My boyfriend is WONDERFUL and treats me great, I have nothing to complain about when it comes to him or our relationship. He's the greatest man I have ever met! We are just simply disagreeing about when to get married now that I'm pregnant)). 
1 -I want to get married while I still have my pre-baby body and will feel beautiful in my wedding dress. This is my first pregnancy, so I don't know how much baby weight I will gain or how long it will take for me to lose... I want to look my best in our wedding photos - I really don't want to look back and see myself looking chubby or dead tired. Besides the act of acutally getting married, my dress is a close second when it comes to what is most important to me.
2 - I don't want to NOT be married when the baby is born. I know that it's not uncommon nowadays to be unwed and give birth, but if we were already planning on getting married before I got pregnant, then why wait? I want to set a good example for our child, and being married when he or she is born is very important to me...
3 - This may sound a little selfish, but I would like our wedding to be OUR day, about him and me. The rest of our lives will revolve around this baby and our other future children. I want people to be gawking at him and me, not our new baby. It's the one day of our lives that is about us, and I want it to be centered around just the two of us... I don't want anything else of my mind except for him... But, if I'm a mom, I know myself and that simply won't be possible... If the baby is already here, the wedding will turn into a "family" thing, not just a day about me and him..
4 - I feel it will be VERY hard to plan a wedding with a newborn. I just don't think I'll be up to it, and then the wedding will keep getting pushed back... 
My bf is two hours taking a training class for a week for his job, and we talked about how I feel about everything tonight. We have had this conversation before, but my feelings are getting stronger and stronger about getting married before the baby is born. He said that "we can't compromise on this, so one of us is going to have to give in," and that it would be him that will "give in."
Okay, so great, right?...
Not so much. Now I feel like I am "forcing" him in a way, even though he says I'm not. It's like I just can't be satisfied right now, and I don't know why.
Am I wrong for NOT wanting to wait? Have any of you been through the same thing, and if so, what did you do (and do you feel that you did the right thing)?
Am I being completely irrational? I'm just so upset about this.
Should we go ahead and start planning or should I just drop it and just wait until next year?
I just really need advice on what to do and how to handle this whole thing...
Re: Get married before or after the baby is born? (long)
I'm in the same situation...if you want to call it a "situation". We're happy and we were planning to get married early next year. Since I'm due in Feb. that puts a whole new spin on things. We thought about getting married in the next couple months, but we decided to wait until about 5 months after the baby is born. There are times when waiting until after the baby is hard for me emotionally (especially with all the crazy hormones), but I think in the long run it will be better. You're definitely not being irrational, so don't think that, but I would just sit down and think about your options. Talk to your boyfriend and discuss everything from traveling while pregnant (unless you live in Vegas), the possibility that some friends and family might not be able to make it because of the short notice, and money issues. Trying to plan a wedding and a baby into the next 6 months of my life just seemed very overwhelming to me, but you might not have a problem with it.
More than anything it's just nice to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with these huge decisions. I hope you have a very happy and healthy pregnancy and an amazing wedding whenever you both decide to have it!
ok. honestly I could not read your entire post because it was too long, But I think I got the jist.
I have a few opinions: You are NOT being irrational! here is my wedding in a glimpse
1.) we were engaged before we found out we were pregnant & planning wedding
2.) after I found out I was pregnant I decided I wanted to get married before I had LO for a few reasons
a. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
b. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
c. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
(that may not be important to some people but it was to me)
3.) I was 7mo pregnant so I did not still have my cute body
4.) I am happy with my decision but maybe we will have another wedding someday when our kids can be involved and I can wear a hot dress
GL to you!
Okay, to the PP, it doesn't matter what your name is at birth, because they put your maiden name on the birth certificate anyway.
To the OP...I will address these as you have them numbered.
1. Caesar's Palace is usually book FAR in advance, and is very very expensive. Also, you'd have to have the family and close friends fly to Vegas, which is kind of asking a lot on short notice.
2. As soon as your kid can do math they will figure out they were conceived before your wedding date, so it doesn't really matter at this point. I mean, if your wedding day is 5 months before their birthday... it's kind of hard to deny that.
3. This concern does sound a little childish, but whatever. However, your thing about wanting friends and close family there seems kind of trite when you say you don't want your wedding to turn into a family thing, and only want it to be about you and your boyfriend. For that, elope now. Just fly to Vegas, the two of you, and get hitched. Save the money for your child's future...
4. Newborns don't take that much energy that it would prevent you from going online, or jotting things down in a wedding planner, making some calls. You may not realize this, but they sleep a TON when they're that age.
If he used the words "give in" it means he's doing it against his will, but will do it to keep you quiet. Men don't want to hear pregnant women screeching about getting married.
Just relax...
My advice, elope. That's not sarcastic... it's my real advice.
Ditto the PP.
Many of us that did plan a big wedding before would recommend eloping to anyone. Seriously. Wedding planning is a PITA.
Find out if him wanting to wait for a bigger wedding is just an excuse he is using to wait on marriage in general.
I definitely understand your dilemma. I've known a lot of people who have been in this situation. Some of them got married before the baby, some got married after.
Obviously there are pro's and con's to both, which the pps have already listed.
I think what it comes down to is whether it is important that you are married before the baby comes. Like others have said, when your LO gets old enough, he/she is going to be able to do the math and figure it out.... so it's already too late to avoid that.
If the wedding itself is more important to you, I think you should wait until after LO arrives. You mentioned that people will be so focused on the baby that they won't care about your wedding, but I don't think this is true at all. The wedding day will still be about you guys. And once the baby arrives, you might feel differently and really feel proud to have LO involved in the wedding.
Either way, you're not going to get exactly the wedding you envisioned. But I think you have to consider what's REALLY important to you, rather than focusing on superficial stuff. Remember, the wedding day is supposed to be about marrying the man you love. Ultimately, when you look back on your wedding day, all you're going to care about is who was there and what the wedding day symbolized.
is there some other compromise that you can make? like buy the dress you want and go to a justice of the peace, then you will still have your figure, and your dress, and your friends and family should be able to come, then after you have the baby then have a giant reception similar to the wedding you actually wanted?
i told my boyfriend a while ago that if we got pregnant before we got married i refuse to go through the big wedding celebration because it wouldn't be that important to me anymore. and he was ok with that and so far my feelings haven't changed.
either way i think you should both be happy in the decision that you come up with.
I'm in the same boat too... this baby is a HUGE surprise and has totally thrown all previous planning out the window. My first impulse was to get married before the LO arrives. 12 weeks into this pregnancy...I'm exhausted and don't have enough energy to wedding plan. I've been married before and planning a wedding is a b*tch.
A courthouse wedding is looking like the way we'll go. All I really want is to be married to the man I love. I don't care how or where it happens. For a few weeks I clung to my idea of a great wedding to celebrate with friends and family, but it's just too much right now. At least it is for us.
Remember there are two of you. The decision has to be right for the both of you. I can't tell you what to do, but I do urge you both to come to the decision together.
To your number 1 concern - unless you get married in the next couple weeks, you won't have your pre-baby body. Mine's already starting to widen...
I wouldn't rush a wedding just because your pregnant, but I've never been in the situation. I can only assume that I would focus on the baby right now and this exciting time and plan a wedding later. If you want to be married before the baby is born, elope or go to the courthouse and then have a vow renewal wedding later with family.
Braydon 1.23.09
TTC#1 Chart
TTC#2 Chart
IUI #1 - #4 (repronex trigger) = BFN
IUI#5 on 10/28/2008 ** BFP 11/10/08 ** EDD 07/21/09 *** It's a GIRL (07/14/09)
med/treatment free BFP 06/28/10. EDD 03/05/11 *** GIRL #2 (02/23/11)
beta#1 @ 17dpo = 1296 .... beta#2 @ 19dpo = 3034
it's the Bug and Baby Belle!
*chuckle* I respectfully disagree on this one. nb's take a ton of energy, even though they do sleep. It's a huge adjustment - but maybe it's just me. I personally wouldn't want to plan a big wedding with a nb - it can be done, but I'd rather just be able to focus on the baby.
If it were me, personally, I'd do something very small and intimate beforehand, and maybe save the big Caesar's Palace shindig until afterward, once things are a bit more settled, perhaps as a 1st anniversary vow renewal or some such. I'd stress that the two of you do need to come to some sort of compromise on it.
It's not an easy situation to be in. I've never been in your position, but I see all of your points. You want the fairytale almost everyone else got to have if they wanted it. The focus on the bride and groom, the traditional parties, etc. I can see how that would be hard to give up.
If you are worried about the impression you may have on your future son or daughter by not being married before conception, you can use your experience to help them understand why they wouldn't want to be in the same boat. You can always tell children no, don't do this. But it always stands stronger when you can say why you don't want them to do something. You can tell them you don't want them to feel like they were cheated out of the ideal storybook wedding possibility.
You didn't mention what your BF's reasons were for wanting to delay the wedding. Maybe he has a good reason.
I would probably do the JOP quickie and then do the formal wedding 6 months or so later (or do it as your 1 year anniversary). Set up the JOP wedding to be in 3 weeks or so, get a dress that has the corset style back so your waist is a little more adjustable. Then you can have time to do a spa day or something for your bachelorette party (obv no drinking!). Then you can throw together a quick registry and depending on your family dynamics and their proximity to each other, you can always look into having a shower. The shower definitely depends on family dynamics - otherwise you could come off as being selfish and wanting gifts, rather than having a natural level of selfishness of the typical wedding events. I tend to be the type of person who would throw a shower for one of my cousin's if they were in this situation...not everyone would do that or think it's appropriate...I just wouldn't want them to feel like they missed out on the traditional things.
If you nix the shower idea, but still have an intimate party about you guys, after your JOP wedding, just have everyone back at your place for a BBQ. Or perhaps one of your friends or a family member is the type to want to host this party for you.
The best thing you can do is think of yourself 10 years from now - what do you really want this year to have been about?
My guess is you are at the same point in life (age tends to be irrelevant in most cases) as any bride to be. 99% of brides to be are in a selfish stage of life. And there's nothing wrong with it. A year or two after a wedding, most people tend to come out of that stage and typically that makes it emotionally easier to have kids (in my opinion). You're just ready to give things up for something or someone else. Once you have a child, the selfishness needs tend to go away in the majority of people. I'm only pg with my first (so take this with a large grain of salt), but several of my friends have toddlers and it's what I've noticed in them. Moving out of the selfish stage is not something that can be forced on you or you may feel robbed of a rite of passage of sorts. My guess is that once you have the baby, the wedding will seem less significant and you will want your child to be a part of it. But that doesn't make you silly or immature for having the thoughts you do now of wanting the storybook wedding - it makes you normal for that point in life.
I hope this helps. If you were one of my friends or family members IRL, I wouldn't judge you one way or another. You've got to do what will leave you with the fewest regrets.
Like a pp said, I would find out really why he wants to wait, make sure you aren't rushing into getting married if he isn't ready. It will be better for your relationship in the long run if you can come to an agreement and neither of you feel you are being pushed into doing what you don't want to do.
I haven't been in your position, but my bff was, and they decided to wait until after the baby was born. She ended up getting to have the wedding she wanted, and it was beautiful, and really focused on her & her hubby, not the baby. But then they got some really cute pictures with their daughter at their wedding too. I also had another friend who did get married before the baby was born, and had a very gorgeous wedding. She ended up wearing a beautiful empire waisted dress and you couldn't even tell she was pregnant, I think she was around 20ish weeks by then.
Good luck on your decision, but make sure you both can agree.
Thank you for your responses!
We talked about it today and he said if it's that important to me to be married before the baby comes, then for me to gather some ideas and we will talk about it on Thursday, which is the first time we'll see eachother in person since he left to travel for work.
I have no doubts about him *not* wanting to get married, we are ridiculously happy and he is the type of guy that wouldn't do something if he didn't want to.
"Giving in" was probably a poor choice of words. He said it's not "giving in" about getting married, but about when to get married.
He understands how I feel, and I think we are going to move forward with the wedding planning. I'm not the type of person that would do a courthouse wedding. It's just not "me." I spent the day with my parents and we talked about the possibility of a wedding at Caesar's in Las Vegas on a weekDAY in Sept or Oct. It will be all family and close friends, therefore a weekday wedding wouldn't really be a big deal. I have always wanted a fairytale wedding, I just don't want a HUGE fairytale wedding.
And a smaller wedding is doable on a weekday. I think so anyway... I bet it's extremely rare, so I don't think we'll have a problem setting a resort.
Our "Plan B" is a destination wedding in the Caribbean. Again, a weekday would be okay, so it shouldn't be too hard to find an open date. We are going on vacation to Punta Cana next week, so if we love it, maybe we'll just get married there...
I'll keep you all updated.
Thanks again for the advice, it made me feel so much better to hear everyone's input and encouragement.
She really means this... because it's ALL BOLDED AND CAPITALIZED!!!! And ridiculously annoying to read. My eyes went all crossed.
Whew! Okay, well, I'm in the same situation.....my boyfriend and I were VERY surprised by this pregnancy - and just can't wait to meet our daughter (in 3 weeks - wow)! Even though we know we're each others "forever" person, we absolutely would not want to get married right now.
Unless you're extremely traditional and appearances are that important to you, I really don't see the point of all the stress of a wedding right now. I'm so looking forward to the day that our lives are established (both with baby and finances), and I can truly enjoy my special day, marrying the sweet father of my child. The only "traditional" thing that is important to me is that LO and I have the same last name by the time she starts to talk. As a previous poster stated, she's already going to know that I got pregnant before marriage - which is something I will have no problem explaining when she's old enough.
Being 8 months pregnant is hard enough - I can't imagine simultaneously building a new life as a newlywed and trying to edify my new husband while working fulltime to grow baby girl. My advice would be to wait: it's only a year, and you'll be even more attached and excited to marry your man after this special year together!
i found out i was pregnant in april & we decided to get married in june. i think my situation was a little easier than yours as i had a few other influences on our decision. neither of us wanted a big wedding, and my pastor was retiring at the end of june. i had a lot of help planning a quick, small wedding and it turned out beautifully. no one had anything negative to say about our decision either. before we found we were pregnant we had discussed marriage, but it was always on the back burner. after we found out it became much more important to me. i wanted to have the same last name (my parents didn't get married until i was 6 & although i never encountered any real problems, i didn't want my child to have any questions as to why we weren't married or why names were different) and i wanted him to be more than what we lovingly refer to as "baby daddy". i was about 4 months pregnant & had found a dress that was perfect for hiding any resemblance of a baby bump (i was already getting chunkier!!) and i think i looked more beautiful than any other day in my life. i agree with doing something small & informal now and then having something big later on. see if he'll agree to a plan like that?
We were also talking about marriage when I found out I was 5 weeks pg. We got engaged a few weeks later and told our families about the engagement and held off the news of the baby. We picked our date and then told our family and friends we were expecting. It sometimes bothers me.....but I started growing around 12 weeks. So we would have had a lot of planning in a short time. Our date is 9 months after the baby is born. I'm very happy with my decision....in reality it would be nice to be married before baby. But think about it....everyone has pre-marital sex. If they say they didn't they are liars or they are those pure people we don't want to be (came from my mom when I was worried about what other's would think of me becoming a mother before marriage.
)
We were in the same situation and I had similiar feelings. We had been engaged for a year already when I found out I was pregnant, but I was very indecisive about what kind of wedding I wanted, so I was dragging my feet planning it. My fiance kept giving me the typical "it's your day, plan it how you want it" response which was really frustrating (he did help me make decisions throughout the process, but he wanted to make sure I was really happy with how everything turned out).
Anyways, I knew it would be hard to plan a wedding while I was pregnant, but in my personal situation, I knew things would be harder to plan after the baby was here. Between being in the military, both of us working fulltime, owning a house, having a dog, and then a baby, we knew the finances werent going to be there either after baby came. In our situation, it was better to be married before our LO arrived. Sure I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and was huge, but our wedding turned out perfect. I had bought a cute white maxi dress (so it would expand to fit baby) and we had an outside wedding and reception with family and friends. It was exhausting and VERY stressful to plan and get things done while being pregnant, but I do not regret it at all. Everyone had a great time, and it turns out even though I didnt know what my "ideal" wedding was going to be, I got it anyway.
Plus, it gave me enough time to have my name changed (it meant a lot to me, even though our maiden name goes on the birth certificate) and to change over our insurance to the family plan before LO arrives. We were already planning to get married, so it wasn't like a shotgun wedding since I got pregnant. We had A LOT of help and support from both our families to get it all ready too, which was really helpful! It all depends on your personal situation and what you feel will work best for you and your fiance. But, I think you need to sit down with him and go over pros and cons together so that no one feels forced to compromise. Good luck!
Good luck and congrats on your marriage!!
I was in this same position. I was told at age 13 I couldnt have children at all. My hubby and I were planning on getting married when we got the best surprise. I'm in my 3rd tri. with our first child and for a great number of personal reasons (my faith, the name thing, wanting to have OUR day [and I think it is perfectly reasonable and alright to be selfish on your wedding day... its YA'LLS wedding day] and some time as a married couple before baby) I went ahead and got married at 4months (found out at 2 mo). I haven't once regretted that decision. I think your concerns are justified but just fyi you will have to make compromises either way ya'll end up taking. Unfortunately due to your surprise you absolutely will not get the ideal day you originally wanted pre-preggo. BUT it can still be your PERFECT day. Mine was.
Either you're gonna have the baby there, or your gonna be pregnant. I went with what was important to me and my husband supported that. We had the big white wedding with almost all my friends and family. I have had super bad morning sickness (still am actually). And I do look tired and not like I would have pre-preggo in the pictures. But I'm ok with that because there are still some good ones of me (and of course my hubby looked perfect the whole time,the jerk). I also got to be the only sober one at the wedding which was not crazy fun, but I still got almost everything else I dreamed of and would not have changed a thing. Plus now we feel we have focused on us for a bit and can now focus on our little girl. Everyone deserves their moment and it doesn't matter when or how you take it, just enjoy it as best you can.
I hope yall have fun planning your day and make it about you two before there is a three, no matter if you decide to have it now or later.
I know how you feel! I am getting married on August 7th 2010....this Saturday! I will be 18 weeks and am already showing quite a bit!. We had been planning his wedding or a few months before we found out about our little surprise, I am loving my "bump", however when i comes to the dress well lets just say not so much. I purchased it before I learned that I was preggo and I can still fit into it, but it's just not the same! I am glad we are going to be married by the time our baby gets here (EDD- Jan. 7 2011), but I just wish we could have waited a wee bit to get pregnant or we had planned an earlier wedding. Oh well, Best of luck to the both of you I hope you can come to some sort of an agreement!
This was my same situation. I got engaged in Dec, with a wedding planned for November 2010. I found out in April I was pregnant--Due December 11. So we moved our wedding date up to July 4, 2010. I was 17 weeks pregnant at the wedding, and didn't show hardly at all. I had a bunch of energy and was so excited. I figured, I didn't want to be swollen at the wedding, and I knew that if we got married after the wedding, attention would be split. I had the wedding of my dreams and wouldn't change a thing!!
I didn't read 90% of your post. I got married at 37 weeks. We laughed the whole time, had almost no one there and went on a short weekend away.
I would have done it sooner. Don't let the pregnant bride thing get in your way like I did. If you want to be married before the baby comes, do it now or in the next few months. Honeymoon sex at 37 weeks is not as fun as it should be.
I am in a similar situation, but thankfully my fiance and I are on the same page. Originially we had talked about getting married after our son is born, but our main reason was just for planning purposes. After thinking and discussing it more, we decided that once LO is born we would like to focus on him and eachother as a family, instead of being caught up in planning a wedding. So now we are getting married at the end of this month (I'll be almost 6 months)! It's amazing how fast you can pull together a great wedding! My mother has really stepped up to help talk to vendors (I'm out of state, so it's nice to have someone there), and I couldn't have done it without her help and my fiance's! I've always wanted a really small, yet elegant wedding... and I've not had to compromise on any of the details. (Side note* We pulled together everything in a matter of weeks, and let me tell you I'm so happy we did. I'd rather only be stressed for a few weeks than be stressed for a whole year while planning!)
I think the most important thing you need to remember is why are you getting married, and what is the purpose of a wedding. A wedding is the starting point of your marriage... it's honestly not about the dress and the flowers and the cake... those are all extras. If you guys are getting married for good reasons you should focus on that, cause in the end none of the little details really matter. More women get caught up in planning their perfect wedding instead of planning their marriage. That's where the focus should be for the two of you... and if it is, compromise on the details will come easy.
I too am in a similar situation. We got engaged in July 2009 and planned our wedding for October 2010 (I have always wanted a fall wedding). Then in February 2010 we found out we were pregnant. Because I am anal and extremely organized I have been planning our wedding since July 2009 so I would no be overwhelmed and it helped to understand what budget we would be looking at. So need less to say we feel blessed we can experience 2 life changing event in one year. We plan to get married October 2010 (I'll be 8 months pregnant) and Baby due in December. I do not feel I will look fat or tired in my dress cause I found one that compliments my belly. I am blessed to be getting married and having a baby.
So to you I know a little different situation since you are undecided on before or after. If it is bugging you that much I'd say before and just give your points to you man. If he's excited about both hopefully he will help to make your dreams come true. Due understand until you resolve this you will be on an emotional roller coaster! My fiance is still learning I am an emotion out break at any point and time, so he just try to comfort and understand. Granted best policy is to communicate! I wish you the best!
Honestly, I really think you're being selfish about this whole thing because you want the day to be about you and your SO, and not about your baby....and you wanna look hot? Hell, I wanna look hot at my wedding too and I'm going to do what I can to look the best I can on my wedding day. If I'm not skin & bones, oh-freaking-well. Life ain't Burger King, honey....you can't always have everything YOUR way.
That aside, I would suggest maybe going through a justice of peace at your county's circuit court to get the legal side of it out of the way, then have a "celebration" ceremony after the baby is born.