MIL vent. Am I overreacting? (long)

maleigh101 · July 2010

A little background (I could go on for days but you are never going to get the full story on her unless you have a few weeks)

I got pregnant in february and had a m/c. Told MIL that we were expecting she said, "Oh, that's nice (insert sarcastic tone) I thought you had other priorities.

Then at 5w I started bleeding, MIL was over and I was crying. She stopped talking on the phone for a second, asked me why I was crying. I told her I was bleeding and she just turns around and continues her convo on the phone. I drive to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do and she drove DH to the hospital (he was painting and had to clean up first) and just dropped him off and went home. Never heard a sorry or anything after the m/c.

We got pregnant again in May. Didn't tell her until around 8 weeks because of her reaction last time plus we had miscarried. Her reaction this time, "Well I hope Maleigh101 is going to finish school." I still have yet to hear a congrats form her. Then proceeds to not tell FIL and when their foster child hears it at school and asks FIL and MIL about it, MIL pretends she doesn't know and says, "Who knows, we're the last to know everything." When DH had already told her, who knows why she kept it from FIL. So that is just a background on how rude she is to me and DH. She has no reason for not wanting us to have a child either. We are married, we have owned our home for 2 years, we both have cars, DH has a college degree and a career and I am finishing college and a SAHW.

Anyways to the point: DH and I have decided to do an elective u/s where we are going to find out the sex of the baby at 16w5d. This place allows 8 friends or family members to come enjoy the experience. We decided to invite FIL and MIL. DH called MIL today and asked her and she said that she would ask FIL if he wanted to go and if he doesn't then she isn't coming. I am so offended. A lot of people don't get the opportunity to experience an u/s of their grandchild and to reveal the sex all together as a family, so it really caught me off guard.

Is it dumb that I am offended by this? If you read all of that thanks I know it was a lot.

andreamarnold · July 2010

I would be offended by the whole thing! Not only does it seem like she doesn't care about the baby, it seems like she doesn't care about your health! What a downer. I'm sorry for your luck in MILs. Sad

maleigh101 · July 2010

So funny that you called her a downer, her name is Debbie, therefore her nickname Debbie Downer.

RileyGrace · July 2010

Sounds like a peach.

Personally, I think it's creepy to have a bunch of people in the u/s with you. I'd rather just show them the pictures or the video after the fact. So, no, I personally would be more offended by having her there.

In your case, I'd be upset because it seems like one more instance of her being a biitch. Honestly, I'd stop including her if she keeps shooting you down.

I'm sorry you're upset.

mjbaby · July 2010

Here's the thing...feel free to be offended, but expect nothing else from now on. The fact that you had such a TERRIBLE experience with her during your first pregnancy (and that is crushing, I'm so sorry to hear about the m/c), she clearly wants little/nothing to do with your new family. How does your husband deal with these reactions from her? If he is clueless and brushes them off, then you need to set the bar REAL LOW and just invite and include her out of courtesy and count on her NOT being a part of LO's life (sad to say, but you can only do so much). If your husband feels the same emotions as you when she lets you down - you guys need to deceide whether or not you want to have a serious heart to heart with her to let her know how you feel - and that she can't be hurt in the future if she chooses to treat your family like this.

Hope that helps-M

pawcall · July 2010

I wouldn't be too offended by this particularly since it seems pretty par for the course with her. I'd just be offended by her in general.

Honestly - why would you even want to share something like that with someone so crappy? Take someone who you know will be happy for/with you.

Congrats, btw

UrbanHippieMama · July 2010

I mean, I would be upset, but then again, I wouldn't have put myself in that position in the first place. What else did you expect from her?

maleigh101 · July 2010

mjbaby:

Here's the thing...feel free to be offended, but expect nothing else from now on. The fact that you had such a TERRIBLE experience with her during your first pregnancy (and that is crushing, I'm so sorry to hear about the m/c), she clearly wants little/nothing to do with your new family. How does your husband deal with these reactions from her? If he is clueless and brushes them off, then you need to set the bar REAL LOW and just invite and include her out of courtesy and count on her NOT being a part of LO's life (sad to say, but you can only do so much). If your husband feels the same emotions as you when she lets you down - you guys need to deceide whether or not you want to have a serious heart to heart with her to let her know how you feel - and that she can't be hurt in the future if she chooses to treat your family like this.

Hope that helps-M

I honestly would not like to include her in anything anymore. She ruins everything for me. My bridesmaids threw me a bridal shower and I asked her who on their side needed to be invited, she gave me a huge list of people I never met. So we invited them, the shower came, and she didn't introduce me to any of those people and she definitely didn't say anything to me the whole shower. Unless you count when I was trying to say bye to people and she started grabbing all of my gifts and yelled at me for not helping to take them into the car. (Duh that is what DH was coming over there for!!)

DH is used to the way she acts. It is so foreign to me though. I come from the most caring family and then I meet his and they are the most self centered and rude people I have EVER met. You are right, I just need to brush it off and exclude them from our lives.

BlondeDutchess912 · July 2010

clearly she is just not interested. I'm sorry but I'd stop ooking to her for any support. Hopefully when the LO is here she'll realize what a meanie she's been.

maleigh101 · July 2010

cdobry01:

I wouldn't be too offended by this particularly since it seems pretty par for the course with her. I'd just be offended by her in general.

Honestly - why would you even want to share something like that with someone so crappy? Take someone who you know will be happy for/with you.

Congrats, btw

I really didn't want her there. I felt like it would have hurt DH's feelings if I didn't say we could invite her. Sometimes I feel like he is in denial about the way she acts towards me and sometimes I just think he is used to it. I feel sorry for him that he hasn't gotten to experience the excitement I did when breaking the baby news to his parents. DH wasn't there when I told my mom, and as you read MIL was just plain rude.

maleigh101 · July 2010

jeffsbride2010:
clearly she is just not interested. I'm sorry but I'd stop ooking to her for any support. Hopefully when the LO is here she'll realize what a meanie she's been.

I have a problem with that though. If you are going to treat me horribly throughout the entire pregnancy then don't come knocking on my door when the baby is born.

Lilena · July 2010

Good lord she sounds like a real winner. >_<

At this point Id be happy she's hopefully not going, who knows what kinda snide remarks she could make during the U/S making the entire day of joy into crap you know?

maleigh101 · July 2010

RileyGrace:

Sounds like a peach.

Personally, I think it's creepy to have a bunch of people in the u/s with you. I'd rather just show them the pictures or the video after the fact. So, no, I personally would be more offended by having her there.

In your case, I'd be upset because it seems like one more instance of her being a biitch. Honestly, I'd stop including her if she keeps shooting you down.

I'm sorry you're upset.

You're right, I think I am going to give up on trying to include them.

maleigh101 · July 2010

Lilena:

Good lord she sounds like a real winner. >_<

At this point Id be happy she's hopefully not going, who knows what kinda snide remarks she could make during the U/S making the entire day of joy into crap you know?

Yes!! I was very worried that is how the day would turn out if she did come.

amjra · July 2010

maleigh101:
Lilena:

Good lord she sounds like a real winner. >_<

At this point Id be happy she's hopefully not going, who knows what kinda snide remarks she could make during the U/S making the entire day of joy into crap you know?

Yes!! I was very worried that is how the day would turn out if she did come.

Honestly, I would not invite her. You need to just not expect anything but rudeness from her. Too bad for her! She is missing out on family time and being included in the lives of her own LO, her DIL and her GLO. Like PP said, just learn to expect it and laugh about it, or if you are going to continue to be hurt - try and have a heart to heart.

And about that elective u/s.. take this for whatever you think it's worth .... from someone who had had a high risk pg.. you can find out all sorts of things during an u/s, it is a MEDICAL event, do you really want people there if they tell you something doesn't look right? I can't tell you the number of ppl who went to an u/s that I know personally, and took their older DD or DS w/ them only to find out something that they hard time dealing w/ w/ other ppl there. Not that anything would happen, but just in case, kwim? Better an event just for you and your closest ppl, like a mother. Not a "and friends" event. You will get a video, that you can even email around to show to that ppl later. They don't need to be there. Just my 2 cents..

amjra · July 2010

Also, we had an u/w at 16w1d and couldn't see the sex. Baby was on his/her fact and when did turn, tech could not get a good enough look. It is a bit early for that. Last time, found the sex at 12 weeks, at the NT scan, anything can happen so be prepared!

maleigh101 · July 2010

amjra:
maleigh101:
Lilena:

Good lord she sounds like a real winner. >_<

At this point Id be happy she's hopefully not going, who knows what kinda snide remarks she could make during the U/S making the entire day of joy into crap you know?

Yes!! I was very worried that is how the day would turn out if she did come.

Honestly, I would not invite her. You need to just not expect anything but rudeness from her. Too bad for her! She is missing out on family time and being included in the lives of her own LO, her DIL and her GLO. Like PP said, just learn to expect it and laugh about it, or if you are going to continue to be hurt - try and have a heart to heart.

And about that elective u/s.. take this for whatever you think it's worth .... from someone who had had a high risk pg.. you can find out all sorts of things during an u/s, it is a MEDICAL event, do you really want people there if they tell you something doesn't look right? I can't tell you the number of ppl who went to an u/s that I know personally, and took their older DD or DS w/ them only to find out something that they hard time dealing w/ w/ other ppl there. Not that anything would happen, but just in case, kwim? Better an event just for you and your closest ppl, like a mother. Not a "and friends" event. You will get a video, that you can even email around to show to that ppl later. They don't need to be there. Just my 2 cents..

I was just stating what the website said. I personally am not having any friends. Just my mother, stepfather, my dad, stepmother. They are also only looking at gender at this. My full on anatomy scan is not until 7/24 where only DH and I will be at.

pepomntpat · July 2010

I would be offended, but not surprised since this is typical of her. Her loss, really.

SarahTx5701 · July 2010

yeah I'd do the ultrasound with just do and dh and whoever else. Tell her you changed your mind and don't want anyone there.

she sounds horrible.

mine is too nosey, and guilts us into crap, oh and has a bazillion diseases that don't exist, but other than that. I do believe she genuinely cares.

I'm sorry you have to deal with her.

hot_tamale · July 2010

I wouldn't be offended, I'd be happy. I think deep down you knew she wasn't going to automatically turn into someone that was nice or supportive. Stop putting your face out there to get slapped. First time shame on you, second time, shame on me. Good luck!

caspian45 · July 2010

Well- I have a SKU'ed view on things....personally, I would never invite my MIL to anything...knowing our history and the fact that we just manage to be civil to each other. I know she's your hubby's mom, but, its your body and you have the heavy lifting during pregnancy, so, I wouldn't have even thought to invite her to it.

RikmarieR · July 2010

I think you should just screw her and enjoy your pregnancy. At the end of the day your immediate family now includes your DH and your new LO. She is just extra baggage. If she doesn't want to be a part of your and your DH's joy, then it's her loss. At the end of the day your LO doesn't need somebody like her in his/her life while growing up. You want somebody who is going to be as excited as you are throughout pregnancy and somebody who is going to really give you a boost when you feel crappy throughout pregnancy, which tends to happen a lot thanks to the hormones! So, if your DH wants to extend a courtesy and invite her to other future events, it's his call because you don't want him to feel bad, but don't really expect anything less than a bitchy attitude from her.

AimeeL85 · July 2010

Dumb?? No way...this woman sounds like a WITCH!! I'm sorry you have to have that for a MIL

ZoeyMarie · July 2010

Being offended is understood. But, maybe it's a blessing in diguise? If she's not there, she can't rain on your parade...

WestCoastMommy · July 2010

I would be offended for sure.

When pregnant with DS we were not on talking terms with DH's family due to a huge family fight that had lasted for a year that just brought to much drama to our lives. When the time came for our elective 3D/4D ultrasound we did not think twice to invite them. All grandparents and our siblings were invited no matter what our current relationship was with them. To me a child should not suffer due to our issues with certain family members. While Dh and I do not like his mom and sisters we still come over for holiday's, bbq's and birthday's and get along for the sake of our children. Your MIL is being selfish!

starrkitten89 · July 2010

Sounds like your MIL and my MIL are related!I am so sorry you are going through this because I know how much it sucks.When DH told them I was pregnant,he got "how the hell are you going to afford that?"because we don't each make a six figure income,but are comfortable.In the same boat as you,DH has finished college and has a career and I am a full time student and do not work.

I have just given up on including them after our last thing.She just let my grandma know that she isn't going to my shower,and she was rude to my gram saying how "doesn't she realize people are busy in the summer and have other plans,you mailed the invites too late,blah blah blah".My grandma was really upset.And she has known the date of the shower since may,so I'm pretty sure she just doesn't want to come.

I try to think of it like this-I hardly have enough time in my life for people who make me happy,so why am I going to waste what little time I have on people who make me miserable?I don't think you are overreacting at all,it makes you feel like total crap!I would just not include her.I'm sorry you have to deal with this:(

Keddy15 · July 2010

We have had a lot of problem's with my FIL and DH's step-mom. She never had kids and just doesn't give a rat's a$$ about the fact that FIL not only has kids but now has grandkids. The worst was on the day of DD #1's naming. She decided that they weren't going to go because "a cat had died outside their house" the night before and had supposedly kept them up all night. DH was furious and yelled at his dad on the phone for a good 30 minutes. Finally FIL decided to go and leave DH's step mom at home. After that we realized that we will never be able to count on them. We are way closer to my side of the family, and just leave it that way.

neurda · July 2010

I don't really understand why you invited her in the first place. If I were you I would let FIL know the news and just keep her completely out of the loop. Like the other poster said just expect nothing and you won't be disapointed.

missmiah · July 2010

You are not over reacting at all! What a better way for her to say "Oh, I don't give a damn about my grandchild. I don't want it around in the first place."

Maybe I'm irrational but my MIL would not be recieving an invitation to the baby shower or anything else.

My marriage isn't nearly as far as devolped as yours and although my family is worried that we don't have a running start they manage to be happy about a new addition to the family.

HOW RUDE!!!

jamiemsmith · July 2010

She's a hag! I can't believe someone would act that way about their future grandchildren! I just wouldn't say anything more to her about it, she's just turning everything to where she's the victim or acting like it's not important. If she asks, tell, but she doesn't deserve anymore effort on your part.

queenbone · July 2010

I'm surprised you'd even invite her to the u/s, but I'd be grateful she's not coming... she'd be sure to ruin it for you.

I'm sorry about the m/c and her awful reaction to it.

Arielle27 · July 2010

Wow! I would definitely be offended! She sounds like quite a witch! What does DH say to all of this??

beautifulsin90 · July 2010

mjbaby:
Here's the thing...feel free to be offended, but expect nothing else from now on. The fact that you had such a TERRIBLE experience with her during your first pregnancy (and that is crushing, I'm so sorry to hear about the m/c), she clearly wants little/nothing to do with your new family. How does your husband deal with these reactions from her? If he is clueless and brushes them off, then you need to set the bar REAL LOW and just invite and include her out of courtesy and count on her NOT being a part of LO's life (sad to say, but you can only do so much). If your husband feels the same emotions as you when she lets you down - you guys need to deceide whether or not you want to have a serious heart to heart with her to let her know how you feel - and that she can't be hurt in the future if she chooses to treat your family like this.

Hope that helps-M

I honestly wouldn't be offended by her reaction seeing as she has reacted the same in other situations. All I can say is leave her out of it and if she wants to come around she should approach you this time not the other way around.

I have the same problem as far as MILs go and like you I have yet to hear a "congrats" or a "how do you feel." I just take it with a grain of salt and let my DH deal with his mother and her problems when ever possible. I hope things get better and you never know she might change when the baby gets here.

BookLover96 · July 2010

Based on past behavior, I wouldn't have invited her. Not trying to be harsh, but once people hurt my feelings a couple of times, I choose to believe that they will do it all the time, and adjust my behavior accordingly to avoid it happening again.

Miki Gottlieb · August 2010

Its so not an overreaction!! i am also pregnant for the first time, and i know that i only want people around me that are happy for us! its such a happy time in your life and you should enjoy it to the fullest. If your MIL doesnt want to take part in the joys of becoming a grandmother, then its her loss! She will probably realize her mistakes when she isnt invited over to see the baby. Dont let her negativity ruin this time for you.

Feel Good!!

viopeach · August 2010

I found it special to find out the sex with just my husband (especially since i got kinda teary when i found out it wasn't going to be a girl- another long story but upshot, in my mom's family every first child has been a girl for 6 generations and I feel left out). I also don't want others in the room besides my husband when I deliver. These are special, life changing and marriage changing events and to savor them with your best friend and husband are a delight.

Yes, the MIL is a horrible person but it sounds like you know that. So stop trying to please her and please yourselves. She will do nothing but ruin the moment the two of you could share.

gbohaczyk · August 2010

Was I reading it right that there is a daughter (other sibling) that they have? In my situation my MIL favors girls more than boys. This might be the same situation for you, I don't know. My MIL favors her daughter more than my DH and her granddaugter (from her other son) more than her grandson (my son). The grand kids are 4 mos apart and any milestone my son reaches is compared to the girl. We even went out to eat and she yelled out, I want to sit by "girlname"!!

When I was in delivery, I explicidly said (twice) that I didn't want anyone in the room until they were called so that my DH and I could have the first moments alone with our son and that it would be immediate family only. But there were all my in laws including my SIL's Boyfriend in the hallway as I was in a gown holding my cathiter bag (I had emergency C-section)

Anyway, I say all of this because I'm just going to focus on my DH and my boy and giving them the best life possible. I'm through trusting them and if I ever have another baby they are going to get the 'in labor' call after the baby is born.

pamster917 · August 2010

Wow...pardon my french...but your MIL is a rude b*tch, plain & simple!!! You are not overreacting AT ALL!!!!

I wouldn't waste my time trying to include her, this is you & your H's special time & you deserve to enjoy every minute of it.

johnparker903 · August 2010

I dont think you are overreacting at all. i can only imagine she has acted this way towards you since you met her...people like that usually dont change. Regardless of if you and your husband are in a position to have a baby or not, its not her place to make a single negative comment about anything. if the FIL is easier to deal with, id let him know what you want and if he chooses to tell the MIL, thats up to him...good luck

wendydodd · August 2010

We had our elective u/s at 16w 4 days and the paperwork you must fill out gives your OB's info and the fact that any medical diagnosis during the exam can be seen-but will not be talked about, only sent to your Doctor. So yes, problems CAN show up during it because it is a more detailed scan that the anatomy scan will be. The anatomy will just check every inch of baby (and tell you in the process) if something is not right.

We invite our parents and inlaws-they both declined. Not because they are not happy-but my parents are always "too busy" and can be extremely self centered and Dh's parents just honestly can't make out ANYTHING on u/s. So it was very nice to just be with Dh and have that special time of finding out we were having a son alone! We both had wanted a girl and had been waiting for weeks to hear the news-but as soon as they said "BOY" I cried and was SO happy-it didnt' matter that he was not a girl-it was a fact I was gonna be a mother to a son and all the wanting a girl went away! Same for Dh....he spent about 5 mins in the car after the elective a bit sad-until he realized all the AWESOME things he could do with a son and he's been just as happy as me ever since!

The grandparents weren't quite as happy when we called them a few minutes later to tell them the news (they all wanted a girl too)...so it took a few days/weeks for it to sink in for them. Which meant it was still best they were not there to find out the sex anyway!

My advice if you have any news you feel the inlaws must know-share it with FIL only and keep MIL out of your life as much as possible. You can invite to show you have a heart and care-but expect to be turned down and be happy you did your part. She's not worth the effort.

I must say I'm APPALLED that she is a foster mom....words can't express how that woman can foster any child!! I say that since my Brother and SIL are awesome foster parents (who are now newly pg after IVF), my Dh was a foster child and Dh and I were in the process to adopt a child for the past 5 years before this pg happened after 9 years of ttcing!

Take care of YOUR family, your Dh and LO and don't associate with her-Debbie Downer has plenty of other people to make thier lives miserable-so it doesn't have to be yours.

Good Luck!

skyler.kayla · August 2010

First, congrats!!! And second, I'm soo sorry you have to deal with an awful MIL.

I can relate - my MIL is awful to me at times, but does it in a way where she seems to others that she's being nice and caring, but it's really controlling and manipulative and just mean when no one else is around. I'm treated as if I'm not actually part of their family because I'm not their blood. Like my baby isn't really my baby, I'm just carrying my husbands baby and her grandchild. Anyway - I have come to learn exactly what has been said before: don't expect much. I try to go in with an open and caring heart each time, so that I have good conscience that I am not at fault for her behavior. And then I can at least feel better knowing that I am not the reason for her behavior - she just is acting that way towards me out of her own lack of character.

It may not get easier with your MIL as time goes on, but keep strong and do what you need to do for YOUR family (husband and baby) first and foremost. Your family is what's most important.

MIL vent. Am I overreacting? (long)

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