So one of my very very good friends called me today
And asked that her husband and I no longer text each other.
I am shocked and hurt and sad and a little angry all at the same time.
We all met as families and have known each other for quite some time. I *thought* that our families were friends but she said that she and I are friends and any plans that need to be made should go through the two of us.
That's how "it's done".
I'm upset because there's a ding in our friendship now. I'm upset because she had to ask her husband to stop texting me and me to stop texting him. What did we text about? "Sup. You and kiddo going to the pool today?" "No, too effing hot. Maybe this weekend?".
Or maybe a joke. Whatever.
I was also asked to send the 8 texts I had on my phone to her.
Because, and this is important, they apparently had some trust issue early on in their marriage and he and I texting makes her question him. That sounds like she thinks highly of me too, no?
The texts on his phone were deleted, which is why she asked for mine.
I'm seriously appalled. I text guys all the time. MH's friends, my friends, or at least I thought this guy was a friend but apparently he's just the husband of my friend, who I'm not allowed to text or, I'm assuming, hang out with at the pool.
I told her I texted another friend's H about various stuff and she said "Does she know about that?" Like it's a secret. Or wrong.
Is there some suburban rule that married women can't be friends with married men?
My feelings are so stinking hurt.
Me with my littlest.
Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today
Me with my littlest.
Wow. ---that is all I have for you.
I am sorry :-(
Me with my littlest.
Wow. Again, if I met them as a family and hung out with both regularly, I would text both and would be upset if she asked me not to. My guy friend is like my brother, and if his wife were to ask me to not text him anymore, I'd be very upset.
If that's the rule than I'm totally screwed. My top 3 most texted people are guy friends. One of them hasn't even been a friend that long and I'm much closer to him than I am to his wife. We take our kids out together alone all the time.
This has nothing to do with your personality but everything to do with hers. I'd get as far away from her as possible. She's not going to make things easy.
My feelings would be totally hurt too.
Oh and your siggy is totally cute. I love goofy pictures like that.
Steph,
I dont think you were wrong, per say, but I can sort of see where the wife is coming from.
I am sad that there is a ding in your friendship, because there will always be an elephant in the room now. And, I am sure it was just as hard for her to ask you as it was for you to hear.
I dont think anyone was wrong, so dont beat yourself up. It is an unfortunate situation.
It makes her feel uncomfortable. If it's nothing (as in, "Yo, what's up") then you can live w/out the texts for the sake of the comfort of your friend.
Not that I'm saying you shouldn't be hurt....because I think I would be. And I would also question her trust in ME....but in the end, when you don't trust your husband, you don't trust ANYONE with your husband. The issue is within their marriage and I think (if you wish to maintain the friendship) it's in your best interest to not read in to this anything more than what it is....a wife who doesn't trust her husband, has insecurities and doesn't want him texting another woman. She is probably one of those women that gets jealous about everything...and this is just one more of those things.
I love how all of you aren't afraid to tell me I'm wrong. Or right. Or whatever.
I need to bounce this off of people who'll give it to me straight because I'm a mess right now.
Not because I can't text 7 times a month with the guy, but because of the elephant factor and that it's changed the relationship, family to family.
Me with my littlest.
Honestly, I see nothing wrong with it, but I have a lot of male friends that I wouldn't hesitate to text, including friends that were MH's friends first. They're still friends of mine...
I agree w/ dnagal that there is likely something going on in their marriage or it's their issue - so try not to feel badly!
She doesn't trust him. It isn't about you other than she is threatened because you two are friendly. I don't think it is wrong if she is okay with it. Clearly she's not and now you know.
Also, I'm sure the fact that he deleted the messages made her more suspect.
I can see why you are bummed but I don't blame her if her DH is not trustworthy.
Eh, I guess I'm in the minority here, but if you are making plans or just having casual banter, than do it with the wife. There is a couple we are freinds with, and while we all do things together, I don't communicate independently with him and she doesn't communicate with DH. I just think it's a boundary thing.
But, I also don't have single male friends that I hang out with without DH, and vice versa.
Bebe, what does MH think of me texting guys? Nothing/doesn't care.
He doesn't know this specific story because it happened today and he's still at work with a rollout.
Me with my littlest.
I just asked MH if he is bothered by me texting his BFF (he and his wife are our couple BFFs) and he said "no I'd actually encourage you to do it more often." HA. He thinks he'd get more time with his boyfriend if I texted this mutual friend more often.
Also, I just thought of this - I am in a fantasy football league with all of MH's friends. They are all married, but I'm the only wife who participates so I regularly email and message them on our yahoo sports board.
I love the siggy.
And this situation is interesting to say the least. Why isn't she addressing this with her DH?
Thank you!!
She did. Had a talk with him about "no texting S". He talks to his mom and her (from her mouth) and would love the added person, but it's not gonna be me. Apparently.
Me with my littlest.
well, you said they had an issue early in their marriage. did you know of this before today? that would explain it all. I'd send the texts, be a friend to her, and leave him be except for when all together. it obviously has nothing to do with you... if it did, she'd probably shut you out 100%. had my husband given me a reason to question in the past, I'd probably have that picking in the back of my mind even if the texts were with a friend. and as another said, you don't know what's going on on his part. were there texts deleted to and from someone else? could be something as silly as a fantasy about you and he was stupid enough to state it? you just don't know.
if you were close to her, be a friend to her. if not, then do what you want... but leave her hubby alone.
A.) I love the sig pic! That is hilarious!
B.) this is clearly an issue b/t THEM and it's unfortunate that she brought you into the situation at all.
Regardless of whether people think it's "appropriate" to text friends' husbands or whatever, the fact that she asked to see the texts, as some sort of proof that what? You aren't having an affair? Or talking about her? would really alter the course of my friendship with her.
I'm so sorry, Steph; I don't generally text my friend's husbands (even those I consider to be my friends, too) just b/c I don't text people very often at all. But I've definitely heard jokes or seen things that I've thought "Oh, ____ would totally laugh at that" and IF I was a big texter, I'm sure I'd have texted it.
Does she not want you to be FB friends, either? I"m FB friends with almost all of my friend's husbands and we interact in that medium quite often. I'd be floored if a friend told me to stop communicating w/ her husband on FB.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Halo, I did not know about the trust issue until today.
And it's statements like "leave her hubby alone" that make me feel like people think it's wrong. We are all friends, or that's what I thought anyway.
Summer, I hid him on FB. We did the FB thing too (as well as the wife and my other friends, I'm not playing favorites), but now I just feel totally awkward.
Me with my littlest.
First - love the siggy.
Second - If I were in your shoes, I would feel hurt/weird. That being said I can she where she is coming from. If she has trust issues with him, chances are she is wary of any and all communication with women that she does not witness herself. And, the fact that he does not have the text messages is just adding to her suspicion. If I were in your shoes I would try and move above it. It will probably be a little weird for a bit, but hopefully you all can still stay great friends. Just remember it really has nothing to do with you - it's them.
Sorry you sort of are caught up in their marriage stuff...that's a bummer.
I would be upset over the ding in the relationship and knowing that my friend thought there was even a chance that I'd do something inappropriate with her husband.
But the more I think about it, the more I feel bad for your friend as well. I can't imagine dragging my friends into my problems with my marriage like that, so the fact that she asked you for those texts means something is *really* eating at her. Whether her being jealous and controlling like that is justified or not ("trust issues" could mean a lot of different things), I feel bad for anyone living like that. Can you imagine the mental torture of having to wonder what your H is doing any time he's on the computer, or wondering if he's really "working late?"
Anyway, I would definitely give her the texts to put her mind at ease. Since it seems they're working some things out in their marriage, I'd probably back off and let her make the next move as far as getting together. With time, this will probably (hopefully) get a lot less awkward. I hope it works out - it sucks to lose a good friend.
You know it is innocent, but she does not. Perhaps there are other things going on in their marriage that makes her not trust her husband the way your husband trusts you.
Don't jump forward and project that you aren't allowed to do anything with anybody who is married. Your feelings are hurt. Ok. But her feelings on the matter count as well. And inside of her marriage, how she feels about something trumps what you feel about something.
This is less about you and more about their marriage. But, if you continue to text him, then IMO, you are making a highly questionable choice.
I get how your feelings could get hurt in this situation, but the reality is, she's having trouble trusting her husband, the man she took vows with and who promised to stay with her in good times and bad, till death did they part- it's only reasonable that she'd distrust you- her friend- as well. I'm not suggesting it's right or fair, but that's simply human nature. If I was in your shoes, I'd honestly step out of the fray and give them some space and time (which they clearly need) to work out their issues. I don't doubt your intentions are anything less than innocent. But the trust issues are there between them regardless, and I personally would want NO part in exacerbating those issues.
pretty much this.
they are having issues. I would try not to see it as a ding. she probably knows, maybe from past experiences, that falling into an emotional affair for him (not you) is as easy as pie and she needs him to focus on her.
(ps: do I think monitoring her DH and forcing his focus will solve their problems? nope.)
Because two of you mentioned it, I thought I'd address it: Of course I won't text him further, or FB him, or anything. I just feel awkward about the whole thing even though, as y'all pointed out, it's not about me.
Me with my littlest.
I didn't say you were in the wrong. you know you were innocent enough. but you don't know what has gone on in the past (or what's going on with him now). if she's coming to you and stating something had happened in the past, her dh is deleting text messages (just yours? others? who knows?) and she cannot help but suspect something ill of her husband, then be a friend to her and respect her wishes. she wouldn't still want to be friends with you if she thought you were not a friend to her, right?
FB is different, she can see what you post to him and everyone. less weird when you're friends with 300 other people many of whom are of the opposite sex. texting can be seen as more secretive, more personal. it's not your fault... it has nothing really to do with you. it's their issue. she has a trust issue. she needs your understanding. if you fight it or question it , you may risk hurting the friendship and her growing more suspicious. try not to be too hurt by it.
do I text friends' spouses? no. just b/c I don't text, but sometimes when I call a close friend and she's busy, I'll shoot the shittake with her hubs just to be nice. how are you, I heard xyz, hahaha... well, tell her to call me later.
again, it's not you! It's THEM! try not to take it too personal.... they have their issues to deal with.
"That sounds like she thinks highly of me too, no?"
I think I knew this girl in grad school. She was a cheater and rather devious, so she projected that on to all of us. We are not friends.
Hope your friend just has this one odd hang up. Oh, and I don't text my friends DH's, unless I have something specific to them, not to the couple. I have learned over the years it just works better.
If you already have trust issues in your marriage and then you find out your hubby is texting your *super hot* friend-yeah, I can see why she's upset (wondering if he was texting a frumpy mom friend she wouldn't be quite as upset)
of course you didn't do anything wrong...try not to take it too personally! It must suck for her to have these issues, though.