WWTTCAL Do? (Sorry long)

ala_1220 · July 2010

My sister is 35 weeks. I've mentioned before how she also has an abnormally shaped uterus (don't know if it's bicornuate or septate yet) and MTHFR...all of which she found out before she got pregnant because she was tested because of ME. She told me at her first shower how she knows exactly what I'm feeling because everytime she goes to the doctor she psychs herself up because if she got bad news or her baby was to not make it, she would be ready for it. She also said "If she doesn't move enough I think she is dying, and if she moves too much, I think she is having a seizure or something." Give me a Fvcking break!!! I kept my cool and didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to ruin her shower. I wanted to say, "I'm so sorry my loss is causing you so much stress!!!"

Well tonight she told me how stressed she is and how much she's worried about her health and the baby's health when she delivers. I asked her what she means by that and why she's so stressed. She got really mad at me and told me how "it's been touch and go from the beginning". WHATEVER!!! Now, she does have to see a high risk OB, take Lovenox injections, but who doesn't!!! I told her maybe because of all the tests and crap I've been through, plus I work in NICU and PICU and see and work in the worst and saddest situations, but I don't understand why she is so stressed and freaking out so much. Her baby is perfectly healthy, growing right on target, and hasn't had any issues.

Well I'm thinking about writing her an email and tell her exactly how I feel. I really just want to write it down for myself, and hopefully get it out of my system. I know I should tell her in person or on the phone (she lives 3 hrs away), but I'm not that strong and know I won't tell her exactly how I feel. But, on the other hand, I don't want to hurt her...But, on the other hand, she has really hurt me.

This is what I've written so far, but may delete it without sending (esp the ending):

I want you to understand how you make me feel when you say things like how stressed you are and "it's been touch and go". It really upsets me when you tell me how stressed you are and how you are feeling the same things I am feeling. You have no idea! You have not had to lay there for 5 days knowing your baby is dead inside of you. Then have to go to a strange doctor to have your baby ripped from inside of you. You have not had bad news every time you've gone to the doctor. I did!!! Then I got the ultimate bad news and I had to see my baby on the monitor not moving with no heartbeat. After my baby was taken from me, I realized I was feeling her move. I had to delete pictures of myself from the weekend before because I couldn't stand to look at myself, knowing what I didn't know and how happy I was...I was starting to look pregnant!!!

Your baby is beautiful and perfectly healthy. I have look at my good friend ___'s baby who was due the EXACT same day as me and think about what I DO NOT have. Everytime I see her daughter I think that our daughter should be her size, have dark hair like her, and going through all of the milestones that she is going through.

I will go through the same things you are going through. A lot of the things you are going through are because you found out things because of me and because I lost my baby. I will also have to give myself injections when I get pregnant and will also be watched extra carefully, I will also have to have a C-secion, but I am also 3 1/2 years older than you, and I have more of an increased risk of having another child with Down Syndrome.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what has happened over the last year. When you have to go through what I have been through or what any of my patient's families have gone through, then we can talk about how stressed you are....until then, you can save it for someone else.

jkm123 · July 2010

Im proud of you for letting your feelings out. You have been through a lot and I know for a fact that people that havent had a loss just dont get it... and they gripe about pregnancy or children they already have and you just want to punch them in the face! she needs to understand where you are coming from.. I would just tell her that you dont expect her to understand how you are feeling, but she needs to be a little more respectfull with sharing all of her thoughts with you, and to never, EVER say she knows exactly what you are feeling... I am so sorry that you are having to do that, and go through all of this with your good friend AND your sister... that would be so hard. She needs to understand that whats she is going through is NOTHING like what you went through, and when you do get pg you will be doing the same things she is, and you will not be griping about it... ((big hugs)) and let me know what the outcome is!

MrsManning10 · July 2010

You know, I think that it is really good that you are talking to her and getting it off your chest. I think that otherwise, the feelings will just harbor and start to cause resentment. I think that what you wrote was really good, except maybe the last sentence. I think that you have a valid point that it is hard on you to hear her kind of downplay your experience by saying that she knows what you are going through.

I would send it if I were you, maybe just change the last paragraph... GL with it. It sounds like definitely a difficult situation. :-)

cutebride73 · July 2010

((((HUGS)))) You are so brave to put your heart out there are say all of the things you said in that letter to your sister. I would never begin to say I understand how hard it must be for you to deal with the things that she is saying and even the fact that she is pregnant and due soon and that everything looks fine in her case, being that she is your sister.

As a counselor I will say that I am not sure that she will get what you are saying to her right now. I do not know your sister, but I think perhaps she will not - especially in her 8th/9th month of pregnancy and hormonal - hear what you are saying and understand how she is hurting you. If you think it will help you to feel better and heal then I would send it, but I would not necessarily count on her "getting: it. It is good to focus on the the "I" messages. I feel ______ when you _______. I need/want you to ___________.

Again, I think you are so brave to write that letter to send your sister. Maybe sleep on it and read it again in the morning. I know that has helped me in the past when I have written letters to people - sometimes a night's sleep and a reread helps me to clarify exactly what I want to say.

ala_1220 · July 2010

cutebride73:

((((HUGS)))) You are so brave to put your heart out there are say all of the things you said in that letter to your sister. I would never begin to say I understand how hard it must be for you to deal with the things that she is saying and even the fact that she is pregnant and due soon and that everything looks fine in her case, being that she is your sister.

As a counselor I will say that I am not sure that she will get what you are saying to her right now. I do not know your sister, but I think perhaps she will not - especially in her 8th/9th month of pregnancy and hormonal - hear what you are saying and understand how she is hurting you. If you think it will help you to feel better and heal then I would send it, but I would not necessarily count on her "getting: it. It is good to focus on the the "I" messages. I feel ______ when you _______. I need/want you to ___________.

Again, I think you are so brave to write that letter to send your sister. Maybe sleep on it and read it again in the morning. I know that has helped me in the past when I have written letters to people - sometimes a night's sleep and a reread helps me to clarify exactly what I want to say.

Thanks everyone!!! I know most of it is for me to get it out of my system and vent to myself. All of your ideas are great. I know she is hormonal and hopefully wouldn't say those kinds of things to me otherwise. But, she has always been a pretty selfish person...even more so now. It's amazing that we grew up in the same house with the same patients.

I will definitely re-read tomorrow and focus more on "I" rather than "you".

swimousey · July 2010

Hi

Your sister needs to know how you feel and how she is hurting you.I lost my son full term at was one week over due do was 41 weeks along his name is Karter and people I know said very very very stupid things to me I was told was once that they have more pain because they lost they uncle and Grandpathere pain is no were close to lossing a child. I would tell people how that made me feel. People or your sister have no right to say what they say to you. If you want to ever chat I am here. My son would be 14 months old so know how painful is when loss a child. I am here to chat

hugs Take Care

WWTTCAL Do? (Sorry long)

Re: WWTTCAL Do? (Sorry long)

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