Baby Showers
Mom Cancelled Shower
Well, after only 1 month of my mother finding out I was pregnant she was already talking about my shower. I thought it was sweet that she was so excited, but knowing my mom and how she tends to be a bit over the top, I wanted to let her know that I really wanted to have it at my house and not for it to be a surprise. Anything else could be up to her. I didn't want a lot of drama and just wanted to keep it low key. I have let my mom pretty much have what she wanted, keeping my wishes to myself for years. She even planned my wedding with my dad. This time around I thought she would understand and respect my wishes. Well, she didn't....and it became a huge crowd that received "save the date" emails from my mom at a fancy inn far from my home. She ignored my wishes and even told me my friends were being selfish after I found that she chose a date to suit the place and not them. Most of my friends could not make the date she chose. I told her that my friends were most important to me. Well, I finally confronted her and she became super dramatic and upset telling me she was giving me everything I wanted, when it was the opposite of anything I had asked. The next day my Dad called me to tell me I got what I wanted and the shower was cancelled, clean slate. She even was going to invite the guys, which would make it super huge and uncomfortable for me since I know many of them wouldn't want to be there. My best friend is now hosting my shower and I am having it at my home. I am hoping my parents will come around so that my mom can still be a part of it, but as of now, they told me I pretty much need to get over it. I just wish they would understand where I was coming from, give me a bit of closure so I can move on. All my life I have been there for my mom, and never asked for a thing. It hurts me that this most important time in my life when I do ask for what I want she makes me feel selfish for doing so. Thanks for listening.
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Re: Mom Cancelled Shower
I can see why your mom is upset...a shower is a gift. A gracious recipient would have been appreciative of anything that was given to her. You chose to not appreciate that. She said fine, don't accept my gift. It is what it is.
It would have been nice of your mom to respect your wishes and give you the party you wanted, but it was not her obligation. Are you going to be mad when your shower guests choose to not buy gifts from your registry because it was what you wanted and it is all about what you want?
Food Allergies to Eggs, Milk, Peanuts, Tree Nuts & Beef
Challenged Soy and tolerated it.
She cancelled the shower and your friend is throwing the shower you want, your should be "over it". You didn't want the shower your mom was throwing and now she's not throwing it, unless your parents are still mad the situation should be over. What do they consider "getting over it" ?
Your story hits home. Thank you for sharing. The thing that I didn't get into, is the relationship with my parents has turned around 10 years ago after they did face a trauma in a car accident where I almost lost my mom. Over the years I slowly lost my parents to their fears. Instead of embracing life, they shut it out, including many relatives & friends. I didn't want to be next, so that is why I have always given them what they wanted/needed. They needed me, and I make sure I am there, putting my wants aside. I became the parent to my mom in a way. That is why this time it was so important to me to ask for what I wanted, because she has been taking me for granted for so long.
BUT, I have some great news! I took the time to really tell her how I felt today and she did understand. She, for the first time, apologized, as did I. It was the best feeling ever and I am so glad I took the hard way to strengthen our relationship instead of bottling it up as I usually do. A huge weight has been lifted! As this is really a lesson that didn't have anything to do with a shower, but respect and understanding from my mom.
It sounds like your parents are the ones who need to "get over it". Yes, a shower is a gift to you, but at the same time, people giving gifts should be considerate to the person they're giving it to.
If you knew someone had a very small apartment and registered for a bassinet rather than a large crib that wouldn't fit, what would you buy them? Buying them a large crib would be a "nice" gesture, but it's not practical for them and puts them in an awkward situation of what to do with the crib.
A gift should be given with a happy heart, not with a lack of consideration for what the recipient openly said she wanted.
Good for you on confronting your parents. Hopefully they'll realize that they went too far and that you need to enjoy the big events in your life the way YOU want to enjoy them, not how THEY want to enjoy them.
I can completely relate. I wanted a very casual baby shower because I have a large family and my husband has a lot of friends he literally grew up with. So I knew a fancy party wouldn't work. My mom freaked when she was how many people I wanted to invite. I have access to a free hall whenever I want through my uncle and I though we would just do it there and ask family to cook. She wanted a restaurant, a smaller party, and much fancier. We ended up fighting, she called me selfish for asking for anything my way since she was throwing the party. In the end we sort of compromised. I invited the most important friends and our families were there. It wasn't how I wanted it to go, but it was beautiful and did turn out nice. Regardless, I had an amazing time and so did everyone else. I guess my advice would be this - if someone wants to throw you a nice party, don't fight 'em. I was going to do a seperate shower for our friends so that I could have what I wanted also, we just never got around to it.
BTW - She also had a lot of opinions on my wedding...that was a bigger challenge but we both won some fight in that one!
I have a similar situation:
My Sister in Law has been planning my shower since I became pregnant. My DH and I are moving this weekend and I contacted my brother to see if he can help us move. I obviously cannot carry things like couches and huge televisions since I am 7 months pregnant. He blew up at me because he doesnt want to help me over 4th of July weekend, even though I told him I only need his help for an hour. He said a bunch of really hurtful things on the phone and I ended up hanging up on him. After I got off the phone and was sobbing from what he said ot me, I texted his wife and told her I don't want her to throw my shower and that the two of them should just forget I exist.
Now I'm not having a shower and don't have anyone to help me move. Great.
It might help you to remember that a shower is a gift to you. Its not a right you have, and it is actually rude for you to be calling the shots. This is probably not the instance that you should have asserted yourself. You do not have to accept every offer someone makes to throw you a shower, but if you do accept, it is their's to plan.
This reply is for TulipsAnd...
Ouch! Your comments show you wouldn't have someone elses best interest at heart either! Yes its a gift, but when its from your own Mom- She should have considered her daughters request and not be surprised and try to turn on her daughter at such an important time in her life.
A shower may be a gift but that does not give someone the right to turn it into and unenjoyable burden. Maybe you are like her mother and that is why you obviously do not understand where she is coming from.
Allowing yourself to be pushed around by a parent is never an enjoyable activity and a baby shower is surely not the time to allow it. It is supposed to be you and the LO special day, not your mothers. She should have respected her wishes and requests.
Don't worry gal! You are not being selfish, your parents are. You can look at this as a wonderful learning experience. Now you've learned that this is not a good way to parent and your learning how to set boundaries both of which will be very important in raising a child, among many other things of course
Don't fall into your parents trap of keeping you feeling that this is your problem. Just enjoy and invite them to join in the happiness that is YOUR pregnancy and how you want it to be. If they choose not too - they are the ones missing out. I know easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself, your baby and your own family right now. Good luck, enjoy your shower, and congratulations on your pregnancy.
You act as if a shower is a given right for every pregnant woman, an no matter what someone should be obliged to throw her one. This is not the case ladies. A shower is not a right, it is a very generous gesture by the person hosting it. It takes time, preparation and money to host a shower.. big or small, modest or elaborate. Unless the host/hostess specifically asks for your input, you should graciously accept, put on a happy face and show up on time. Otherwise, its not your call.
Same goes for a registry. Its a "wish list" not a demand list. If someone would like to purchase something for you that is not on your registry, its their time, money and thoughtfulness and they can give it how they please.
If you'd like to have a party "your way"... host a sip n see after the baby is born.
OUCH! Sorry to hear that this happened to you especially when it's an important issue! She does need to respect your wishes and not just barge ahead with what she wants to do thinking that it's what you want.
In the meantime, good that your best friend stepped in and I do hope that you will get the shower that YOU want.
Hang in there and big hugs!
Sarah
While I agree with you that she could have declined the offer immediately vs going through this headache, I want to point out one thing. In life, we all compromise and one would hope that the mom throwing the shower would ask her daughter what she would like.
Along the same lines, if she allows her mom to babysit LO, does that give her mom free license to feed her cake and ice cream just because she's babysitting? Sometimes, i's just not that black and white.
I am glad to hear that you and your mom have come to an understanding as that is the most important thing- the relationship. I think you did the right thing informing your mom that even though she was giving you this wonderful gift (a shower), it really was not for your enjoyment/benefit. Your mom appears to be the sort of person who was planning the shower as something she would want for herself (who cares what you'd want) or was making it so elaborate to draw attention to herself from everyone attending (wow- your mom must have spent a lot of money; my shower wasn't this grand, etc.).
Plus- you are getting the shower you want (and deserve) from your friend. We can all take a lesson from your friend and your story- a gift should ALWAYS be what the reciever wants/likes/needs. Gifts should never be about the person doing the giving.
Honestly I am amazed at how many people completely missed the point and feel like the author is selfish. I completely agree that hosting a shower for someone is a "gift" and I don't believe anyone here is saying that the time, effort and money involved is not appreciated; however, intentionally giving someone a "gift" that they do not want is completely selfish as well.
Fortunately I have wonderful friends and family who are supportive and WANT to know what I want but I suppose I would graciously decline any parties thrown "for me" if it was felt that my input was not wanted at all.
I'm so glad this all worked out but let's be honest ... she wasn't asking that all of the mini-sandwiches be cut into the shape of pacifiers. She was asking for a casual shower closer to home so that her real friends could join her in this exciting time.
Oh, and my advice for anyone who wants to point out again how selfish she is ... don't throw any showers for anyone. If you do not have the best interest of the recipient in mind then perhaps you shouldn't do anyone any favors.
Oh my goodness! My mom sounds a lot like your mom...maybe we should hook them up for a coffee date!
All seriousness, though...My mom and I have had some serious battles in my 27 years of life. She likes to criticize me for everything, from my voting preferences to my choice of nursery colors. Not to mention, she doesn't like the fact that I use cloth diapers instead of disposables. She likes to micromanage me ALL day long! So, I moved. Now I only have to be near her about once a month or less, and that is perfect for our relationship.
My advice: stop letting her make you feel guilty. Guilt is such a ridiculous (yet effective) tool for bad people to use. It only gives her power over you that she doesn't deserve. You are a grown woman, about to give birth to your own child. It's time for her to let go. And it's time for you to take control from now on and live your life the way you want to. There is nothing wrong with being selfish (to a point).
Good luck, Mama, and don't let other people get you down!
I think our moms could be BFFs.... My husband and I had to deal with the heartache of four miscarriages before we finally had our perfect little boy. While I was pregnant I put aside any past issues my mother and I had and contacted her to let her in on the fun. I mean afterall she was about to have a grandson right? Well because of my history, it was not an easy pregnancy. We found out that we needed to have a c section about half way through the pregnancy. I called my mother and asked her if she could come stay with me for a while since my husband is deployed and the Army would only let him be home for a week. She said she would get back to me and let me know how long she would be able to stay.My mother in law was over the moon when I asked her to come out as well. Well my mother called me back to tell me that she could only afford to come out for two days. I was dissappointed but you can only afford what you can afford right? Well My son was born and my husband was with us that first week, one of my besties was with me the second and my mother in law came for the third and fourth.......The night that my husband had to report back to S. Korea I got a text from my neice in California saying that my mother was spending spring break with them.... So she could only afford two days with me but a week with my sister.......yeah needless to say she is not invited in our lives anymore. Obviously this alone would not cause the permanent split but someone that can be so cold surley has a track record!( and trust me she does) I just read your story and thought WOW I really hope her parents wake up and dont distance themselves so much that they miss out on being grandparents due to their selfishness like mine did.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! You are not a child, and shouldn't be treated as such! Stay strong, and remember what you DON'T want to be like as a parent!
I feel so bad for you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's the most special time of your life and you shouldn't have to deal with this kind of upset. It seems to me that your mother was throwing the shower more for herself than you. It sounds like you have good friends and I'm so glad your best friend is now hosting the shower for you. In the end, it's your special day and make sure you enjoy every minute of it because you can never get that day back. If your parents choose not to participate, it's really THEIR loss not yours.
Best of luck!
It's so sad that your mom acted that way. Please don't listen to the people who say you're being selfish because you asked for what you wanted.
Sure, a shower is a gift, but come on people! She didn't ask for that much. In fact, she asked for less than what her mom wanted to do. There's nothing wrong with saying "this is what would make me most comfortable". It's an important event in your life, something you may only experience once. Her mom was being selfish by insisting on having her way with her daughter's shower. If someone makes a simple request like that, which is fully within your power to grant, it's rude not to do it.
I've been in a similar situation, and it really hurts. I'm glad you and your mom were able to patch things up.
Wow I am really sorry that all this happened with your mom. It sounds like she was trying to serve herself rather than you. Hopefully she can put herself aside and decide to join you for your special day.
By the way, my due date is Nov. 29th so I am right there with you sister!
Your mother sounds like mine. Just keep verbalizing your wishes (likes and dislikes) and at least she can't say she didn't know. Try to even find some special way of involving her in something baby-related, even if it's a little forced/fake. "Gee, I've been comparison-shopping strollers all week and I really can't decide which one I want. Do you think you could come with me Saturday to help me narrow it down between my final three choices?" Crappy example but you get the idea. And be firm on things that really matter to you. For example, my husband and I REALLY hate all the princess stuff for baby girls so I made mention of it several times so my mom wouldn't buy things that said "Mommy's Little Princess" on them. When she had her grandma shopping spree and presented me with all the little clothes she even pointed out proudly that she made sure to avoid things that said princess. I set the parameters, but she still got to make some choices.
Above all, let the grandmothers do what they will, but you get final say in what goes down. You are the mom and that trumps grandmother any old day! They don't have to like it but they do have to respect it. And if not, that is there problem, not yours.
Shower etiquette is understandable, but IMO so are a few wishes from the mom-to-be, esp if the mom-to-be feels very uncomfortable w/ some aspect (ex: having a shower in a restaurant might be a bad idea if smell of cooking food makes mom-to-be sick.) I have a similar mother who actually reserved our wedding date based on the date her choice reception hall was free instead of consulting us as to a convenient date for US to get married. I was a full-time college student at the time of our wedding and had a full day of classes Friday, had the rehearsal dinner at my house Fri night, the wedding Saturday, and took Monday off school so we could have a 2 day honeymoon. My college was scheduled in quarters instead of semesters, and my mom picked a date that was right in the middle of a quarter. It was UNBELIEVEABLY stressful. I even compromised on my wedding dress bc she insisted on paying for it and the one I liked "wasn't traditional enough." I just kept running into problem after problem with her pick of vendors/reception hall. I almost called our wedding off several times.
I am only just finishing my first trimester, and my mom is already planning the shower. I am dreading it. For the wedding shower, we made a registry at Wal-Mart (our choices were WM, Bon-Ton that is mostly clothes, and JCPenny that is also mostly clothes.) Most of our guests didnt have the money to spend on stuff at Bon Ton and our WM has a much larger selection of everything. My mom insisted that I make another registry at BonTon and refused to tell anyone about the one I made at WM. As a result, I got a lot of stuff I don't need/use from BonTon bc our registry there was so small and had a lot of issues taking everything back. I know she will make a big stink about me making a BRU registry, but our nearest BRU is 1 1/2 hours away and most of our relatives are local. Nobody but her is going to drive 1 1/2 hours to buy us stuff off the registry, and nobody in either family really shops online. It doesn't make any sense, but she will insist and we will have a big fight cuz that's what always happens in these situations.
Wow. I can sympathize with you more than you know. My mom gets on those crazy melodramatic kicks too. Its shameful for your mom to act this way too. I am sorry and you may have to do what my sister and I have done. Call her out on it. Explain to her that this is your baby and is about you, your husband and your baby. It is not about what she wants and ask her nicely to realize that you are an adult that is not in charge of and that you would like her to act like an adult.
GL and I will be thinking of you!